2sunny Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I already dismissed one guy who wanted to get married and have kids. That is not something that I see in my future (was married 20 years). Now I am seeing LDR - a really nice guy and get the feeling he would eventually want to marry as well... Do I pursue this - as it seems right with him... but I don't even want to think about getting married - or moving away. I feel torn about continuing because I would never want to hurt him... but I have been honest about my intentions... What to do - you guys tell me...
peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Like the last girl I dated, I think you want to have your cake and eat it too. I really hate it when a girl tells a guy she doesn't want a relationship, then changes her mind. If you say you don't want a relationship, you had better mean it! And some wishy-washy guy shouldn't change that if you really mean it. The guy gets all mentally prepared not to expect something more, then you turn the tables on him when you "change your mind". I realize sometimes people change their mind and they have the right to do so. But I think this happens way too often to chalk it all up to that. Don't mean to be condescending, I just speak from the heart. I just don't get the point of dating if you don't want a relationship. It is a setup for failure. If you think about it, you are only lying to yourself, because you may not label this situation a "relationship", although it really is a type of one.
Author 2sunny Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 I never said I was intending to "change my mind" I asked if it was a position that may make men uncomfortable or rule me out completely...
IpAncA Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I'm not a guy but it would turn anyone off who wants to get married and have a family. But I must ask, what are your intention? Are you looking for a FWBs or what?
peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I'm not a guy but it would turn anyone off who wants to get married and have a family. OMG, I respect your opinion but I think I just figured out what is wrong with relations netween men and women in our society. Everyone lives for the present. And you are "needy" or "desperate" if you desire a meaningful, lasting relationship. Now of course you don't approach ever new potential date as a wife! But to say it's a bad thing strive for a relationship? You are lying to yourself, hun. Wanting a relationship is not a sign of weakness (in all cases). To a respectable woman I suspect it would be a good sign.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I would think a good deal of people in relationships would be put off by "I'm never going to get married" idea, even if they themselves aren't interested in marriage. It can be interpreted not as "I am not interested in marriage in general" but as "I will never love you enough to want to marry you". I guess it depends on the guy, really. If he is secure in himself and your relationship then he won't likely misinterpret your not wanting to marry.
ilmw Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Now for a guy who has never been married I think it would be a turn off for a lot of men. I think we would like that option open... but as only an option. So... if we develop those feelings.. and want to go to the next level .. that option is there. Now for a guy who has been married... it might not be.. as long as the option of a LTR is there. For some people they just live in the moment... which is not all that bad of a thing. But... if you are investing time in someone else... and would like a LTR/Marriage relationship... why would they invest that time.. if they want more. It would personally turn me away.. I'd like the option.. without pressure.
peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Now for a guy who has never been married I think it would be a turn off for a lot of men. I think we would like that option open... but as only an option. So... if we develop those feelings.. and want to go to the next level .. that option is there. Now for a guy who has been married... it might not be.. as long as the option of a LTR is there. For some people they just live in the moment... which is not all that bad of a thing. But... if you are investing time in someone else... and would like a LTR/Marriage relationship... why would they invest that time.. if they want more. It would personally turn me away.. I'd like the option.. without pressure. Agreed. I would also think that would would "weed" out a lot of potential good partners by using this stance. Not saying all guys who just want to "date" are bad, but I am sure a greater percentage of them would also be the ones to treat you badly. Most men who want the option of leaving married open have extra incentive to treat you with respect. Also, if one person in the relationship isn't "sure" about what they want, eventually this leads to long, drawn out conversation about the relationship, which is sure to extinguish any fire.
IpAncA Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 And you are "needy" or "desperate" if you desire a meaningful, lasting relationship. I'm needy and or desperate in wanting a meaningful lasting relationship? Isn't the the point for many or is there some new trend I'm unfamilar with? Guess I'm old fashion. So are you saying that it's not a turn off? So if someone wants to get married and have a family someday, they should date someone who doesn't? Were's the logic is that? That person is an idiot because if they fell in love and wanted to get married, their screwed. And BTW your suppost to live in the present. Who lives in the past or future? Sure it's nice to PLAN for it but you always live in the present IMO.
sb129 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Like the last girl I dated, I think you want to have your cake and eat it too. I really hate it when a girl tells a guy she doesn't want a relationship, then changes her mind. If you say you don't want a relationship, you had better mean it! And some wishy-washy guy shouldn't change that if you really mean it. The guy gets all mentally prepared not to expect something more, then you turn the tables on him when you "change your mind". I realize sometimes people change their mind and they have the right to do so. But I think this happens way too often to chalk it all up to that. Don't mean to be condescending, I just speak from the heart. I just don't get the point of dating if you don't want a relationship. It is a setup for failure. If you think about it, you are only lying to yourself, because you may not label this situation a "relationship", although it really is a type of one. Peacepipe, with respect, 2Sunny has BEEN married, and there is a difference between "not wanting a relationship" and "not wanting to get married". The two aren't mutually exclusive. there is also a difference between "wanting to get married" and "wanting a wedding". alot of people think these are interchangeable too. I know a few people who have been married who say they don't want to again. This doesn't mean they don't want to SEE or BE with people, its just for whatever reason, marriage isn't as important to them anymore. and many people have very legitimate reasons for that. 2Sunny, you obviously have your reasons for not wanting to get married, and you know better about that than I do, I have never been married, so i can't comment on that, but I don't think that it should be held against you. Do you have kids? I think if i was in your position, and didn't want any more kids, I wouldn't bother with marriage either.
Yamaha Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I already dismissed one guy who wanted to get married and have kids. That is not something that I see in my future (was married 20 years). Now I am seeing LDR - a really nice guy and get the feeling he would eventually want to marry as well... Do I pursue this - as it seems right with him... but I don't even want to think about getting married - or moving away. I feel torn about continuing because I would never want to hurt him... but I have been honest about my intentions... What to do - you guys tell me... The married men will love you. You are their ideal women. The single men who have not been jaded by love will not want to mess with you but the ones that have baggage and just want a FWB thing will think your swell.
Author 2sunny Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 The married men will love you. You are their ideal women. The single men who have not been jaded by love will not want to mess with you but the ones that have baggage and just want a FWB thing will think your swell. I am not a gal that "does" married men... or FWB either... just was thinking if I am honest about not wanting to marry again (yes - I do have kids that are almost grown) then I hope it wouldn't be to my demise to say how I feel about the future - ie ruling out nice men. I am probably more independent than most gals and don't mind when I am alone (doesn't mean I am lonely) - so therein lies the difference in the mindset - I guess....
Art_Critic Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I guess it depends on the guy, really. If he is secure in himself and your relationship then he won't likely misinterpret your not wanting to marry. I agree with this.. The tough part will also be that you can find a guy that says he doesn't want to get married and he really means it.. There are guys out there that may fall for you that will agree with you in the hopes of changing your mind in the future.. I dated a girl once that had 3 kids and 2 previous marriages by age 32 and she said she would never get married again.. Deep down I never really believed her.. I really didn't matter in the end because I wanted to be able to have the choice of whether or not I wanted kids and she has already had her tubes cut and tied. We were together about 8 months or so before our incompatibilities really starting showing up
peace_pipe Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I'm needy and or desperate in wanting a meaningful lasting relationship? Isn't the the point for many or is there some new trend I'm unfamilar with? Guess I'm old fashion. So are you saying that it's not a turn off? So if someone wants to get married and have a family someday, they should date someone who doesn't? Were's the logic is that? That person is an idiot because if they fell in love and wanted to get married, their screwed. And BTW your suppost to live in the present. Who lives in the past or future? Sure it's nice to PLAN for it but you always live in the present IMO. No, no, no. We are in agreement, let me explain. I said if someone wants a relationship they are needy and / or desperate. I was being sarcastic, because a lot of people view it this way. I mean, I want a relationship with the right girl, but I have been labeled "needy" because of it. Look at some of the posts here on LS, and you will see that wanting a relationship often creates that reaction, but it makes little sense to me. I am saying that to a guy that is thinking about the future, such as me, it would be a major turn-off. This is why I don't date girls who are just looking for a good time. If she does not at least have on open mind about relationship status, the I see it as a waste of time. Some of my friends and LS don't agree...
Trialbyfire Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Hey 2sunny, I didn't read all the other responses but one way of finding out what he thinks is to broach the topic through discussion about friends who are or aren't married. You could let him know your personal opinion, in reference to your friends' relationships. This way, you don't scare him away with discussions about marriage so quickly.
Ciprian Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 If you are questioning this with him, then you might not want to keep the relationship going, knowing thats what he wants, and you don't. I think that Peace Pipe has made a few valid points. But there are a couple of questions that I have: 1. Are you sensing this or has he been mentioning this to you? 2. Is there chemistry between you both, inside and outside of the bedroom?
IpAncA Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 No, no, no. We are in agreement, let me explain. I said if someone wants a relationship they are needy and / or desperate. I was being sarcastic, because a lot of people view it this way. I mean, I want a relationship with the right girl, but I have been labeled "needy" because of it. Look at some of the posts here on LS, and you will see that wanting a relationship often creates that reaction, but it makes little sense to me. I am saying that to a guy that is thinking about the future, such as me, it would be a major turn-off. This is why I don't date girls who are just looking for a good time. If she does not at least have on open mind about relationship status, the I see it as a waste of time. Some of my friends and LS don't agree... Well you sounded like you were going back and forth on this. I don't think everyone who wants one is needy and/or desperate.
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