ukmale Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 hi people. first time posting on the website. im so glad ive found this cause it is really helping me deal with things and put things into perspective. abit about me and my ex. was together for 4 and a half years. it was a great journey of discovery. emotionally we was very close. our relationship was based on trust. we have basically known each other while we have been getting our careers on track. i finished my studying last year and now in a well paid job, she is about obtain a degree in september. we was so close to having a completely different way of life together, i think that is why i am hurting. the ifs the buts the maybe's. the last year has been stressful, especially on her part being in her final year. the work load was quite high and she used to metally punish herself to try and be the best. it started to show on both of us, i felt neglected, she felt unloved. i suppose we plodded along. communication has never been our strong point, if we argued we would not resolve it and days used to pass before contact was made, mostly my fault, although i have got better. 6 weeks ago we had another petty arguement, left it for a few days for the heat to cool down. i had been considering finishing things for the past few weeks before then, i felt the negatives in our lifes was outweighing the positives. i txt to ask whats goin on. in no simple terms she said she had had enough, she was sick of being blamed for things and said she always thought she was not good enough for me. i took it ok, i wasnt shocked but hurt i suppose, i said if you felt that way then maybe for best, she txt same day sayin dont think you are not loved and missed cause you are, she getting across that she wanted to be on her own to see if we would be happier apart. fair enough. dont think it had hit me. i left it aweek and sent some flowers, got a response but she said at this moment in time its for the best. i sent the odd email over the next few days sayin ive realised what mistakes i had been making etc. she appreciated that ive acknowleged my actions. i left it be, all my friends RE on myspace so i thought i would join, put some pics on and got alot of responces of females, nice ego boost but meant nothin. she obviously came across it and got a txt sayin 'well and truelly over me then, kick in the teeth or what'. i immediately rang her and reassured her that its all harmless, i hadnt replied to no messages. we met the next day then for a walk, it was nice, nothin was talked about jus sayin we miss each other etc. she sayin how she couldnt bare thinking me with other girls etc. got home and she txt me sayin it hurts cause she doesnt know what to think or feel, and that she thinks to much has happend to go back, i sorta agreed. i always felt breaking up was the best thing to do at the time. for me all of this has brought up all these deep feelings of love i have for her. its gut wrenching. i kept in contact for a week or 2 after. i txt her bout 2 weeks ago askin where i stood cause id been goin insane. she said she has alot on with uni and said she copes better if we dont speak or see each other cause it upsets her. made me feel like crap but got to respect that. so overall these 5 weeks of uncertainty of not knowing where i stand i decided to write a letrer so last week i wrote a letter of closure, put my feelings on paper, asking if she wanted me in her life etc. she said her mind is made up, she came round on the nite, im no begger but i did ask for a chance to show what she means to me but she said her heart wouldnt be in it. i said thanks for being honest. it was really emotional, first time i cried in 10 years, she was in tears, jus knowing im never gonna see her again, it is so painful. we talked bout contact and said best have none. this experience has left me shattered. knowing we was so close to another life, its what kept us going i think. we met up on thurs nite to say our good byes, i wake up sunday morning with a txt sayin 'love you'. the last thing i was expecting. i havent replyed nor am i goin to. why would she do that? i have to stick to no contact. thoughout the 6 weeks of all this we only had a few days off without speaking. i feel so messed about with her feelings she has been going threw whether she was doing the right thing etc and also mine. im feelin really low. im learning alot about myself at the moment. i really hope love finds away etc, it hurts like hell but ive got to move on. im heart broken.
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