Time to suck it up. What she REALLY means to say when it's over!

[triplem]

I wrote this for myself, but I figured it might be useful to some of the other folks here. I was the dumpee, I didn’t want it to end. She was the dumper and didn’t flinch. Still, six months later I find myself searching her words for hope, some promise or sign that she’ll soon realize the error of her ways and come back.

 

But who am I kidding? She’s done with me (they’re done with you). I’m old news. I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to someone who left the room a long time ago.

 

As I write this I’m on a family vacation. I sit on a patio looking out over one of the eucalyptus-filled canyons of Malibu. I’m eating an orange I just picked and watching the fog gradually blot out the tan mountaintops.

 

There are a lot of ghosts here. She’s from here and ironically she has chosen this very weekend to move back here with her new lover. What better place to start being honest with myself than sitting here with all of these ghosts, her new life invisible but just over the hill?

 

So here it goes, what she (they) said and the translated truth.

 

What she said, “I just need to be alone.”

Truth, “I have already found somebody else and I can’t wait any longer to start screwing them.”

 

What she said, “I’ve been giving too much of myself and I feel like there’s nothing left.”

Truth, “I’ve been giving my emotions to my new lover and I can’t be bothered wasting any more on you.”

 

What she said, “You’ve been the best boyfriend.”

Truth, “You’ve been adequate. Good try, but I’m still holding out for better.”

 

What she said, “We’ll always have our memories, no one can take those away.”

Truth, “Five years, and this is your cash out. I know you were hoping for dignity, respect or courtesy, but you’ll have to accept memories instead.”

 

What she said, “I just don’t know what I want.”

Truth, “You gave me five years of your life but this other person has given me 5 months of friendship and that’s worth more to me. I know what I want… them.”

 

What she said, “I wish I wasn’t doing this to you.”

Truth, “Nothing is stopping me from being with you. This is an act of free will. If I didn’t want to do this to you I wouldn’t. But I am.”

 

What she said, “I feel as though there is someone better out there for you.”

Truth, “I feel guilty about dismissing you so I am going to convince myself that it’s for your own good, as opposed to my libido.”

 

What she said, “I need to spend some time on me.”

Truth, “I’m feeling stale and you are the most disposable thing in my life. See ya.”

 

So yeah, it sucks. It seems brutal. But this, as most break ups, was an act of free will. My (your) ex dumped me (you) because that’s what (he) she wanted to do, not because (he) she was swept up in forces beyond her control. If she wanted to be with me, she would. If he/she wanted to be with you, they would.

 

They can’t be bothered to waste time on you. I know, it sucks. But given that you were disposable to them, shouldn’t you stop wasting time on them? Love and respect exist only in action, not rhetoric. Whether or not their words say it, their actions have said f*** you. It’s in your (my) best interest to hear that plain language.

[AriaIncognito]

You make some really excellent points in your post. I'm sure some people will read it as harsh, but well, I suppose sometimes, the truth is just that.

 

Excellent post.

[nittygritty]

I agree 100 percent.

 

Great post!

 

So once the dumpee accepts its over what's next?

 

Please post Part 2 soon. : )

[randuff]

Sometimes it takes other people's perspective to look through the fog of our own mind. If they wanted to be with us they would. It is time to move on regardless of how difficult the task may seem or how bleak the future seems. We will all get through this in time and we must remind ourselves of that.

 

Once we come to the true realization of the end we can move forward. We just need to realize it.

 

I have had a difficult time with the realization but reading posts like yours helps me out. Thank you.

[polywog]

Excellent post. I was dumped 5 months ago after 9 years, and he found someone else right away.

 

I hate that though I have made steps in moving on, I am still hopelessly in hope. I guess it's just part of the grieving process for me still. I can't wait 'til it ends. I still have tapes in my head that I can't seem to turn off, that he'll realize that the new woman is nothing compared to me, etc. etc... all fed by other people thinking he was nuts to leave me, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that the new girl is flakey, that he'll come to his senses. But the truth is, he wanted to end it for 2 years before he got up the courage to do it, he was ready to move on, new girl or not.

 

I'm not where you are yet, but it really helped to read your post. Thanks.

[AriaIncognito]

Boy polywog, I sure can related to how you are feeling. Those tapes in the head really do suck, don't they? It's funny I've made all the excuses in the world as to why he just isn't ready for me yet or whatever, but fact is, if he wanted me, he'd be with me. It's really hard to accept. I guess it's just our egos getting in the way, or our hopes/dreams. Sometimes you put someone into that specific role in your dream and then when they walk away, you assume the dream is gone. The new harsh reality is, that dream can still exist, we just need to let it, and that is the hardest part of all.

 

 

Guess I'm feeling a little blue today. I've got a lot on my mind, and nothing to preoccupy me from it.

[lindya]

I've nothing to add re the dumping situation, triplem, but I just wanted to say that I think you have a compelling writing style.

[burning 4 revenge]

Wow. No kidding. I love the way he writes too. Great post.

 

Reminds me a little of NoFoolin.

[Tony T]

Love has a shelf life. Sometimes it lasts a few months, other times it lasts a few years. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime if the people involved have a true and moral sense of commitment that transcends the desire to be with someone new and temporarily more physically exciting and intellectually stimulating.

 

No matter what, no matter who we are, no matter how much we love somebody, there's ALWAYS somebody else out there we can love and often more than the one we're with. Yes, there's always a better deal. But you can spend your life looking for the better deal and finding it here and there and sucking on it until it ceases to be all that great.

 

I don't think someone who might "dump" or leave us is all that bad a person. They are merely exercising their free will to enjoy the sensory aspects of a new person who is seems more exciting at the time. Where males are concerned, there is some explanation. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect I'm sure the same general principle holds true for females.

 

Frankly, I'd rather be dumped and know about it than to have somebody write me off in their mind, mentally, and stick around and live in empty pain for many years. I would never wish that on anybody I loved. I would a thousands times prefer to be dumped than to have my partner come to this forum and write about how miserable they are, how they are wanting to cheat on me, how they wish I were dead. Oh, no, I just want them to GO...the faster the better.

 

If I were married, I would a million times prefer to be instantly dumped than to have my miserable wife some on this forum and write about how much she loved her lover at work and how she wishes she could have the courage to get rid of me. It doesn't take courage, just a good attorney. Do it NOW!

 

Conversely, if I get fired from a relationship and the dumper wishes to return for another "have-at-it," they can kiss my butt and go to H real fast. Second go 'rounds almost never work, they are awkward, many times out of guilt or for lack or someone else at the time and they just aren't right.

 

I see no good point in criticizing what somebody says when they leave. Make it easy on them and just tell them it was nice and show them the door. Grieve it you must and then celebrate that there's a new day and greater love to come in the future, the duration of which is always uncertain.

[Trialbyfire]

While I agree with most of what you said Tony, sometimes you have to bleed the poison. What better place to do so than at the person who deserves it. Sometimes people actually learn something from the "discussions".

 

As well, I will also have to disagree that love has a shelf life. If you think about the love between mother and child, there's no bounds to it. Perhaps you're talking about the "do or die" passionate love, where you can't get enough of each other.

 

Love and relationships are a lot of work. The more you put into it, if you find a like-minded individual, the more you'll end up with that deep, abiding love. Call me naive and idealistic, but this is what I've seen from my parents.

 

I completely agree, in a situation where love doesn't last. Don't let the door hit you in the behind on your way out. Here, allow me help by providing you with some impetus and holding the door for an unobstructed exit.

[Tony T]

While I agree with most of what you said Tony, sometimes you have to bleed the poison. What better place to do so than at the person who deserves it. Sometimes people actually learn something from the "discussions".

 

As well, I will also have to disagree that love has a shelf life. If you think about the love between mother and child, there's no bounds to it. Perhaps you're talking about the "do or die" passionate love, where you can't get enough of each other.

 

Oh, yes, discussions a VERY EXCELLENT but NOT when the person is NOT being forthright and honest as in the examples in the first post of this thread. I guess people would rather just spare the feelings of others. I was trying to communicate that it's best to skip over the BS and get away from someone who truly wants to be away from you. There's no good reason to try to keep them around.

 

Yes, you are very perceptive that I mean romantic love has a shelf life. And even then, it can go from the bottom shelf to the middle shelf to the unreachable top shelf before it's totally out of reach. I'm sorry I can't pick words that everyone readily understands but it seems you got the idea of what I was saying. Very good! I assumed that people would figure out we weren't talking about the love between mother and child in this thread.

[nittygritty]

Oh, yes, discussions a VERY EXCELLENT but NOT when the person is NOT being forthright and honest as in the examples in the first post of this thread. I guess people would rather just spare the feelings of others. I was trying to communicate that it's best to skip over the BS and get away from someone who truly wants to be away from you. There's no good reason to try to keep them around.

 

Yes, you are very perceptive that I mean romantic love has a shelf life. And even then, it can go from the bottom shelf to the middle shelf to the unreachable top shelf before it's totally out of reach. I'm sorry I can't pick words that everyone readily understands but it seems you got the idea of what I was saying. Very good! I assumed that people would figure out we weren't talking about the love between mother and child in this thread.

 

 

What I find the most difficult is when the person who left the relationship wasn't honest and they continually try to keep the OP from moving on, for their own selfish reasons.

 

It is one thing to consciously know that a relationship is over. It is another thing entirely to be able to cut off completely from someone you don't really want to but know you have to in order to move on.

 

I guess what I'm struggling with is creating my own closure.

 

This thread is extremely helpful.

 

Thank You Triplem and all

[polywog]

Boy polywog, I sure can related to how you are feeling. Those tapes in the head really do suck, don't they? It's funny I've made all the excuses in the world as to why he just isn't ready for me yet or whatever, but fact is, if he wanted me, he'd be with me. It's really hard to accept. I guess it's just our egos getting in the way, or our hopes/dreams. Sometimes you put someone into that specific role in your dream and then when they walk away, you assume the dream is gone. The new harsh reality is, that dream can still exist, we just need to let it, and that is the hardest part of all.

 

 

Guess I'm feeling a little blue today. I've got a lot on my mind, and nothing to preoccupy me from it.

 

I hear ya, girlfriend. Everything you said, I'm right there with ya, including the feeling blue today.. The hopes and dreams... sigh.

[Touche]

Love has a shelf life. Sometimes it lasts a few months, other times it lasts a few years. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime if the people involved have a true and moral sense of commitment that transcends the desire to be with someone new and temporarily more physically exciting and intellectually stimulating.

 

No matter what, no matter who we are, no matter how much we love somebody, there's ALWAYS somebody else out there we can love and often more than the one we're with. Yes, there's always a better deal. But you can spend your life looking for the better deal and finding it here and there and sucking on it until it ceases to be all that great.

 

I don't think someone who might "dump" or leave us is all that bad a person. They are merely exercising their free will to enjoy the sensory aspects of a new person who is seems more exciting at the time. Where males are concerned, there is some explanation. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect I'm sure the same general principle holds true for females.

 

Frankly, I'd rather be dumped and know about it than to have somebody write me off in their mind, mentally, and stick around and live in empty pain for many years. I would never wish that on anybody I loved. I would a thousands times prefer to be dumped than to have my partner come to this forum and write about how miserable they are, how they are wanting to cheat on me, how they wish I were dead. Oh, no, I just want them to GO...the faster the better.

 

If I were married, I would a million times prefer to be instantly dumped than to have my miserable wife some on this forum and write about how much she loved her lover at work and how she wishes she could have the courage to get rid of me. It doesn't take courage, just a good attorney. Do it NOW!

 

Conversely, if I get fired from a relationship and the dumper wishes to return for another "have-at-it," they can kiss my butt and go to H real fast. Second go 'rounds almost never work, they are awkward, many times out of guilt or for lack or someone else at the time and they just aren't right.

 

I see no good point in criticizing what somebody says when they leave. Make it easy on them and just tell them it was nice and show them the door. Grieve it you must and then celebrate that there's a new day and greater love to come in the future, the duration of which is always uncertain.

 

Excellent OP, I agree. You really "tell it like it is."

 

I just wanted to address the bolded part of this post. I find that too many times people are willing to settle. I see this all the time. Of course one can't have it all. Of course no one is ever going to find everything they want in

one person.

 

But be careful what you settle for. That's where I think a lot of people make mistakes.

[Touche]

I just wanted to add to my previous post.

 

Sometimes, even when you think you're not settling, you really are. You really have to put some deep thought into whom you decide to give your heart to.

 

On paper, my ex was perfect for me. He was older (back when I only wanted an older man), he was intelligent (genius IQ and graduate degree from an Ivy League School), he was very good-looking, had a great sense of humor. But he was very moody and prone to depression. When he wasn't, he treated me like a queen ("Like the queen I think I am" as my H would say!) but he treated me very well. When he was in one of his "moods" then he berated me, was unreasonably jealous, and was just a downer to be around.

 

Do you think that after six years of being with that man (on and off, admiteddly) that I would know that the bad times didn't make up for the good ones? Ha! No way...I was in love with him and he fit the "profile" of what I had in mind for a husband. So I married him.

 

Boy, was I wrong!

 

And that's where so many of us err. We think because we love them, it will work out. Because they fit some "profile" we had in mind that it will all turn out for the best in the end. Well, no. I've learned that love really ISN'T enough. It very rarely is, in fact.

 

It takes SO much more. And I loved my ex-H like nobody's business. I would have died for him. But even with that fact, after nine years together (we were only married three of the nine years) it became painfully obvious that some people are just not meant to be together. No matter how much they love each other. It's sad and heartbreaking to come to that realization. But it's the truth.

 

That has been the hardest lesson I've had to learn in life. Or one of them, anyway. It's a real tough one.

 

But once you come to that realization, your expectations rise the next time around. At least mine did. And I ended up with the person I was meant to be with.

 

And I wish the same for all my fellow LS'ers who are still looking for the "one."

[Johnny B]

 

That has been the hardest lesson I've had to learn in life. Or one of them, anyway. It's a real tough one.

 

But once you come to that realization, your expectations rise the next time around. At least mine did. And I ended up with the person I was meant to be with.

 

And I wish the same for all my fellow LS'ers who are still looking for the "one."

 

How did you KNOW this man was the 'one?'

[Touche]

How did you KNOW this man was the 'one?'

 

Wow, that's a tough question to answer, Johnny. I don't have a pat answer for it. We only married eight months after we met and that was twelve years ago (next month.) It's the craziest thing. Not something I've ever recommended to anyone. We were engaged only four weeks after we met.

 

It's so hard to say how I knew or how he knew. But if I had to say, I'd say it was a combination of so many things...our past experiences, our compatible temperaments and sense of humor, equal intelligence levels and our readiness for a REAL commitment (after both having failed at marriage in the past.) We also discovered that we could handle conflict and also had the same set of values/morals.

 

We talked about everything and anything. We never tried to hide our weaknesses or ugly sides. It all came out.

 

So I guess in the end, what made me realize he was the one? Acceptance with not an ounce of reservation. I loved, and still do, love him exactly how he is.

 

Also, I realized that the good in him outweighs any parts of him that I'm not crazy about. And there are no sides of him that I absolutely hate. And that's important because if there's a side to someone that you really hate, it only gets to be worse as time goes on. That hate for that side of them tends to take over and it just festers over time.

 

But most importantly for me, to answer your original question, is the realization that he's the only person in the world (including family) whom I not only feel such acceptance and love for, but where it is returned ten-fold.

 

Anyway, I hope I've answered your complex question. It's so hard to tell someone how/when you knew that you met the ONE. That would actually be a good thread starter.

 

Thanks for making me think about that.

[AriaIncognito]

I hear ya, girlfriend. Everything you said, I'm right there with ya, including the feeling blue today.. The hopes and dreams... sigh.

 

I'm so sorry that you can empathize with me today I hope that one day, none of us will be sad. I want us to all find our happiness. :-)

[Johnny B]

No, thank you for the eloquent and honest reply.

 

What you just posted makes complete sense. You describe things that we're all looking for.

 

Personally, I know that I've never found anyone to make me feel that way OR that I can feel that way about. Not even close.

 

I guess that's why I ask so many questions about this topic.

 

Thanks again.

-Johnny

[Tony T]

It's really sad but the very truth is that when you're madly in love with somebody, both hands are tied behind your back in terms of good judgment. Though that's the time when most people make their decision on getting married, it's got to be the worst time. As Touche said plainly and clearly, love is simply not enough...so little so that it's almost irrelevant.

 

In the long run, I think that if you end up with a great friend you are attracted to and very comfortable with through the years you're a lot better off. But most of us fall for the euphoric feelings we have for someone who we would have little to do with absent the chemicals, many times the WRONG one.

 

Oh well, one thread in one forum on the Internet ain't gonna change nuttin'.

[AriaIncognito]

No, thank you for the eloquent and honest reply.

 

What you just posted makes complete sense. You describe things that we're all looking for.

 

Personally, I know that I've never found anyone to make me feel that way OR that I can feel that way about. Not even close.

 

I guess that's why I ask so many questions about this topic.

 

Thanks again.

-Johnny

 

I found someone i feel that way about, but unfortunately, he doesn't feel that way for me. Sucks. And that's why it is so hard to give it up. As someone said, he fit the profile perfectly. Stupid profiles.

[Johnny B]

Tony -

 

If you're right, then on the surface it will feel like settling for me. Maybe that means my whole frame of mind and way I perceive this is all wrong but I really think that's how I'll feel.

 

That's why I continue to ask questions about knowing when it's the one. I think Touche described it very well.

 

I always thought you were supposed to look for that madly in love feeling, maybe that's why I feel like I threw away something good with my last relationship. I didnt have that feeling.. but she fit the bill on all other regards... I should have realized it then.

[Tony T]

Tony -

 

If you're right, then on the surface it will feel like settling for me. Maybe that means my whole frame of mind and way I perceive this is all wrong but I really think that's how I'll feel.

 

That's why I continue to ask questions about knowing when it's the one. I think Touche described it very well.

 

I always thought you were supposed to look for that madly in love feeling, maybe that's why I feel like I threw away something good with my last relationship. I didnt have that feeling.. but she fit the bill on all other regards... I should have realized it then.

 

Johnny...who the hell knows? It's pretty much a crap shoot for everybody. If you watch Court TV at night, you see one program after another about couples who were madly in love at one time and then eventually one kills the other. (It ONLY happens in the human species that way. I guess other animals are free to go.)

 

Ideally, we end up with somebody we're passionate about. But understand that passion stuff is pretty new in the evolutionary cycle of homo sapiens. It hasn't been around a long time.

 

If you examine the customs of many cultures that have mostly arranged marriages, you find they work out so much better and the two people end up loving each other. That's because the parents who arrange these marriages are dispassionate and are looking for good matches in practical areas. Those of us who believe in old fashioned romance are looking for someone who melts our hearts and stiffens our dicks (at least temporarily).

 

Humans seldom think about the long term. If they did, we wouldn't have stock market crashes and real estate busts. Everybody just thinks the good stuff is going to go on forever............................................

[triplem]

It's funny how we seem to think others are doing better than ourselves...

 

My original post was meant to help form a resolve, not reflect one that already steadied my heart. I wrote the post when I was feeling particularly weak and pointlessly hopeful (what a twisted idea- pointless hope). I wrote it in an effort to snap myself out of a moment of weakness, not demonstrate strength.

 

As I wrote that post I sat outdoors in a lawn chair battling tears, hoping no family members would wander from the house. The sun felt good only in that it quickly dried my tears. I felt stupid for missing time with my family. So I sat at the keyboard and splashed a little truth in my face.

 

Poly, Aria, I hear the tapes, too. I wrote the post with the idea that I could re-visit it during low points and at least drown out the wistful thoughts for a few minutes. Here's the funny thing about the tapes... they speak of what we could have done different or what should have been, and yet we were the willing ones. We pushed through to the finish line while our teamates quit.

 

And here's a little more honesty... I haven't completely given up hope. I have just been focusing on the fact that even if there is some future for us, there is nothing I can do to bring it about. Either she will realize what a catch I am, or she won't. There's nothing I can do to influence that outcome.

 

As for folks who thought I might have been harsh, I may have chosen my words a little sharply. My ex was/is a wonderful human being. In fact, she was one of the kindest hearts I have ever met. BUT, she was no longer kind towards me. While she might have treated others with tenderness, she decided I was disposable and unworthy of consideration. My words were not meant to sum up who she was in total, only who she was towards me.

 

Thanks guys, starting this thread helped salvage the rest of my weekend and I'm greatful.

 

P.S. thanks for the compliments on the writing style, it means more than you might have thought. Before becoming a firefighter I pursued a dream of being a writer and I like to dust off the pen on occasion.