Woggle Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Last night I was talking to a childhood friend of mine who is getting hitched this June and he told me that one of the reasons he knows she is the one is the is that she loved him when he was still in the ghetto and stood by him through thick and then so he is honored to share his newfound success with her. He is from the same ghetto and he pulled himself out by recently getting a very good job as a record executive. I have met this woman myself and I get a good vibe from her. She seems genuine. Nothing means more to a man than when a woman sticks by him through the hard times. That is when he knows she is a keeper. It got me thinking about the situation with my ex. She resented the hell out of me for the fact that we were living in the ghetto and she constantly called me a failure. When I finally got us out she still resented me for the past and always said that eventually I would end up back there so she cheated on me and blamed me for everything. After it ended I became more and more successful to the point of almost having my home paid off and she was impressed and wanted me back but my feeling was that she didn't support me through the hard part so why should she partake in the fruits of that labor? What are your thoughts on supporting a mate's dreams.
Walk Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Total agree with you. My ex always resented the fact that I took time away from "our relationship" to take classes. Seemed as if he found every excuse in the book to break in on my studying, he'd pout, sulk, throw fits about it... and I always felt as though he didn't want me to better myself. It was all about what he got from it, and if it didn't immediately benefit him, then it was a waste of time. But if you find someone who actually believes in you, wants you to reach your full potential, supports you in accomplishing those... That is the best feeling in the world. Glad your friend found a woman who believes in him. Seems like society has become so "me" driven that we can't find the energy to help the ones we supposedly love. And that isn't love in my book; that's just selfish.
Author Woggle Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 My ex was the same way with school. She would get mad at me for concentrating so much on it but then complained about us living in a bad neighborhood. She seemed to think that everything would just fall on our laps. The funny is that according to her I was a failure while she only worked 2 days a week at a temp job and spent the rest of her time sitting home watching talk shows.
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 All I can tell you is about my ex-h. He didn't support my career but he didn't not support it. I don't think he cared. In hindsight, it was typically narcisstic where nothing was of interest unless there was personal gain to be had.
nittygritty Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I think that supporting your mate's dreams is an act of love. It sounds like your ex was not emotionally healthy enough to receive and appreciate the love that you had for her. I know it kind of sounds hokey but a person does have to have the ability to love themselves before they can share love with another person, particularly a partner. You have to not let your ex's inability to love you in a healthy way have a permanent effect on your willingness to trust and ability to love again. I think that it is great that you are trying to understand the mechanics of the problems in your past relationship in order to help your current relationship. I have not been brave enough to do that with my last relationship and it has caused me problems in letting it go.
hotgurl Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I think in a relationship you should support each other dreams and ideally have a shared dream as well. That being said the dream should be somewhat reasonable if my dream was to be the queen of England I don't really expect my BF to support that. As for exes not support dreams. My ex did not support my dream at all. When I was in college he was always complaining about my time being taken away studing etc.. and putting me down in subtle ways. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own insercurity about me leaving him and me being better than him. I did leave him because he was a narcissitic a$$.
milvushina Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Wow there is such a trend with those loser/users harrassing people about school. It's like my ex-H did everything to make it harder on me while I was taking classes. And would say things like, You're never going to graduate anyway, how long have you been going to college? etc. Well actually I was only a couple of years behind because I had to work full time and take breaks, while he went months unemployed. Grr, people like that make me mad. Yes Woggle, I think you should help your mate reach their goals. We all need help sometimes. Furthermore it should be a pleasure not a burden to help and if they don't act like it is, then they're not right for you.
allina Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I'm all for supporting a mates dreams. But sometimes people take it to far. Lets say we have a married couple and one day he decides that his dream is to be an artist, he wants to quit his job and turn the garage in to his art studio. Should the wife support this decision? If she doesn't and he says "you should support my dreams" is he right. In the real world dreams can't always be supported. When my SO and I started dating he had a good job but had a dream to work at a specific company. Landing a job there is difficult, we both knew it, but I supported him and believed in him all the way. He now works where he's always wanted to and it makes me so happy to see the pride and happiness his job brings him. Of course this was an easy dream to support, as it had no negative consequences, and I would be willing to support a slightly 'crazier' dream, but there are limits.
bab Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I not only think it's nice to support your mate's dreams, I think it is crucial in a good relationship. My philosophy about marriage (at least mine) is that it's joining two lives, not giving up those two lives to only have one. It's hard to state, but I hope you've got an idea of where I'm coming from. Your relationship should be where you draw strength to accomplish your goals, it shouldn't keep you down. On the other hand, allina makes a good point about things getting out of hand. Maybe being part of really being supportive is also being a reality check. If you know your partner loves you and supports your goals, and is still telling you that whatever you are about to do isn't such a great idea, maybe it would be easier to listen.
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