alasia Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Hi, sorry I had no idea which section to post this in. Please don't judge me but I could really do with some advice. I'm 26 weeks pregnant & found out I was expecting my baby, a week after my boyfriend (father of the baby) and I split up. He hasn't shown any great interest but we've had the odd few times since we split where he's said he still had feelings and wanted to get back together - the last time was a couple of months ago, and he changed his mind 2 days later after a minor row. I haven't had any positive feelings towards the baby at all since I first found out I was pregnant (and just typing that makes me feel so ashamed). I've tried picturing myself in a few weeks or a few months - and even when the baby's much older - to see how life would be, and I just get this overwhelming feeling that I don't want it. I was never one for going out every night clubbing or drinking before I got pregnant anyway, but I just feel like I don't want to have to take care of a baby at my age (I'm 23); I dont want to have to change it, or feed it...everything I imagine doing, baby-wise just makes me feel depressed, then I feel guilty because the baby doesnt deserve a mum that feels like this about him. It's not his fault that he had irresponsible parents that should really have thought things through thoroughly before conceiving him. We talked about having a baby and both wanted it at the time, but we'd only been together for 4-5 months so it was stupid of us to even be considering starting a family so early in the relationship. I want to add though, ever since I was about 14 I've always thought I wanted kids. I've got 4 younger brothers and sisters that I loved helping look after, and always saw myself having a family, so I can't understand why I'm feeling this way now I finally am pregnant. I thought it was the situation with my ex that was making me feel this way, and the fact I'm going to be a single mum. I still have feelings for my ex and he recently said he definitely doesn't ever want to get back together (and we couldn't anyway, because his family now hate me). He's got 3 sons aged 17,19 and 18 months that he never sees but this week he's been saying he's trying to change. The 2 older boys have moved away but he saw the youngest one twice last week and says he's going to continue being a part of his life. He also says he wants to be involved with my baby, come to my next scan (I have a 4D scan booked for the 19th June), be at the birth and he'd like us to try and stay friends so he can be as involved with the baby as possible; but even though I've been waiting for my ex to say this for ages, now he's said what I wanted to hear all this time I don't think it's what I want. I don't think I'll be able to handle being 'just friends' with my ex, and having to take the baby round to his place to see his dad for a few hours...at the moment I can't even imagine spending time with my ex as friends. Everytime we talk and start getting on well, I miss us being together as a couple and it just depresses me, so I'll start an argument (figuring it's easier for me to 'hate' my ex, than for us to be getting on). Then I feel awful, because I'm being so selfish. My baby deserves to be able to see his father and I'd be stopping him because it'd be too difficult for me to handle. I'm also getting slight jealousy feelings towards my exes other son and his mother. The mother and my ex get on well even though they barely see each other and the other day my ex said talking to her was better than talking to his family (which was a big thing for him to say, because he's so close to his family). I, on the other hand, am the worst relationship he's ever been in (he said those exact words to me a few days ago) and I can't help but think that once this little one is born, his elder son by the 'perfect ex' will come out on top - how will he have time to see both children equally? He works weird hours as it is (2pm-00.45, 5 days a week, Sunday is his day off and he works 6am-2 or 4pm on Mondays), so seeing one baby regularly would be difficult enough. I don't want to end up resenting this baby and at the moment, I'm trying to 'get into' the idea of bringing up a child; I've even been looking at baby websites and buying a few clothes but everytime I do I just can't get into it, and end up either being really uninterested in what I'm trying to do, or bursting into tears! Could it be I'm just not ready for a baby, or could it be something more serious like depression? The doctors at my local surgery are Asian and were very disapproving when they found out I was pregnant and unmarried, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about this. My mum accused me of being uncaring when I tried to talk about my feelings and there isn't really anyone else I can confide in.
nittygritty Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I am so sorry that your struggling with what to do. Pregnancy is a very emotional time even under the best of circumstance. I think that it would make you feel more confident about whatever you decide to do if you would speak to a Mental Health Professional. It sounds like there is very little emotional support in your life and the pregnancy hormones make decisions and feelings kind of blurry when your feeling depressed and unsure. Adoption is an option. If you and the babies father decide that is what would be best. Also, I think that you need to realize that your feelings of being overwhelmed and scared are very normal. Once you see your newborn you may feel completely different. I think that no matter what you decide to do, I would recommend you get some Professional Counseling to help you cope during such a difficult time in your life. Take Care
LN99 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Well raising a child is a huge responsibility and doing it as a single mom will probably make it even harder(even if the father is somewhat in the picture). If you are having these feelings and don't feel up to going through with raising the child, there are plenty of couples out there that would love to. Also, as others have stated, you might change your mind once you see the baby. You may still feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities. Maybe open adoption would be the way to go. Then you can at least know how your child is and get to know him/her, and yet KNOW that he/she is being raised well. This is a decision you need to make for yourself and not worry about what others think. You need to think of the baby and what would be best for it. Good luck and please keep us posted.
justagirliegirl Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 You said it yourself, a baby deserves a loving mom and dad. Look into adoption and see what your options are. You would be giving such a wonderful gift to a couple who can't have any children. The ex sounds like a flaky deadbeat dad. I wouldn't expect him to be any different.
Lizzie60 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I wish I could hug you right now... this is terrible. If you don't think you're ready for this little baby, please don't force yourself... I know it's too late for an abortion (I think) so you can always give him/her for adoption... and please don't feel guilty if you think that's what you want. It's your choice... and trust me this little baby will find good parents and will be happy. Could it be I'm just not ready for a baby, or could it be something more serious like depression? It's hard to say, could be one or the other but I bet it is BOTH... You find yourself alone, facing the most important decision in your life...so you need to really think about this. The doctors at my local surgery are Asian and were very disapproving when they found out I was pregnant and unmarried, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about this. No don't talk to them... they won't be objective. They might try to convince you into doing something against your will. You are the ONLY person who can make a decision, based on how you feel and your future. My mum accused me of being uncaring when I tried to talk about my feelings and there isn't really anyone else I can confide in. Oh my gawd... she is sooooo wrong not to listen to you... come here then if you need support. At 23 I had a daughter, almost same story as yours... I was in school... and the father dumped me as soon as he found out I was pregnant... I wanted to die... I was soooo hurt. My parents never supported me. I had no close friends except for one (at that time)... Anyway, I decided to keep the baby... It was hard... very very hard... My baby will be having her first baby this coming November... and I am sooo excited, it is my first grandchild. My avatar shows the antique craddle she bought and I did the linen for it and the mobile... Good luck...whatever you decide will be a good decision. Trust yourself. If you don't see yourself with a baby for now... good parents, who can't have any for medical reasons, are impatiently waiting for a baby... maybe you can make a couple sooooo happy... You are still young, you can have children later, when you are settled and most of all, READY for a baby. Take care... keep posting.. Big hugs...
ConfusedButLoved Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Let me tell you from experience that being a single mother next to a deadbeat dad is NOT an easy route!! I was pregnant at 19 and the "sperm donor" of my child who first decided to be apart of his life decided later he wanted nothing to do with either of us. Don't get me wrong, I love my son to pieces and he is a huge blessing in my life, but when I look back at how hard it has been for us, I know if I could go back in time, I would have done things differently. You have options as a women. There are too many babies being born to those who are not prepared/not interested. And as you yourself said, an innocent child does not deserve that kind of home. I hate the mind frame some women seem to have about being pregnant and HAVING to raise a child they had not planned on. I know because I had the same mind frame. Though things worked out for my son and I in the end, it could have just as easily not worked out and it doesn't always work out for others. Just because you got pregnant doesn't mean you have to be a parent if you don't think its something you are up to or even want to do yet. As someone mentioned earlier there are so many loving couples that want children so badly and can't concieve! There are all kinds of different programs such as open adoptions where you can still visit and be apart of you're baby's life. I would seek counseling by a professional on this matter before you have this baby. Not feeling sure about having a baby is NOTHING to be ashamed about. However, bringing one into an unstable situation is. I hope you all the best!
Aquarius Guy Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Dear Alasia, Preganancy is about hormone fluctuations that make your moods and perspectives difficult to be a good lover. You do not ask for advice on how to manage the mood swings of pregnancy. There is a balance between being an unmarrried mother, and trying to put a relationship together with your child's father. You are not very specific in the details of your ROW or the Worst Relationship. There are philosphies of marriage, that may help you to apply principles of wisdom to your relationship with your child's father. If it is now the worst, simply make it turn into the best. I have studied marriagebuilders, and Intimate Enemy books. I would recommend loveand respect to you. There are books, and a website and DVD's or CD's of the marriage conference. Women do not generally understand the importance of a feeling of Respect that a woman can give to her man, or how important that can be to him. You do not mention any deisre of your man for any aspect of respect. Respect is CHAIRS Conquest, (Work and Hobbies, Interests) How have you expressed admiration for you man's work? His favorite sports team? His other hobbies Hierarchy (His grading of who is more important) How have you expressed appreciatin for his judgement about who in his opinion is more or less important? Authority (Control over certain issues) Are you more concerned with having a father for your child, or with letting your man decide those issues of concern to him? What to have for dinner? What to watch on TV? What time to turn the lights out? What brand of toothpaste to buy? Intuition (His ability to give political and religious opinions) When did you ask his opinion on an election or public policy? When did you tell him you respect his values on Religion? Relationship (Your going with him where he wants to go) When did you offer to go with him when he was going someplace you did not want to go, just to be with him, not saying or doing anything, just supporting him as his woman? Sexuality. Certainly you have some challenges being 26 weeks along. but you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Have you asked your man how he might like some creative accommodations? Have you researched the options together? Make it the best relationship. Simple. Your feeling about your child will probably become more rosy if you can get your man straightened out. Starting fights instead of expressing your fears and feelings is called the crazy cycle, in loveandrespect. Arguing in terms not related to solving a problem makes your partner say thigns that are related to winning or losing an argument, not toward working out loving accommodations. The idea is to get on the energizing cycle, where you are giving respect and he is giving you love. You don't really spell out what love you would like from your man. .
Aquarius Guy Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Dear Alasia, The Love you deserve and probably desire is outlined in loveandrespect as COUPLE Closeness Openess Understanding Peacemaking Loyalty Esteem If your relationship with his family needs improving, you can ask him to make better progress with peacemaking. How can you adapt your sleep schedule so you can spend more time with your man? Have you taken the silvamethod course is controlling your sleep? Any other course? What hours are you working? Can you change your work hours? .
Aquarius Guy Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Dear Alasia, If you are concerned about your image of being a single mother, how about an engagement ring? If you want a relationship with your man, I suggest you start wtih breakfast. Mose women desire a relationship in the evening. Accommodations by a woman at breakfast are important to many men. What time does your man like to eat breakfast? How can you arrange to meet him for breakfast? If you are in competition with other women, then you can probably win easily by improving the accomodations you provide at breakfast time, You seem to be expecting your woman's intuition to guide you in a relationship with your man. There is a nice song, "I did it my way." This implies that your intuition will give you good guidance. One of the basic princples of loveandresepct is that women and men really don't understand each other, and most women have very little idea of how to do simple things to make a realtisonhip with a man work much better. If you want a better relationship with your man, work on the Energizing cycle. .
Phoebe Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I agree with NittyGritty, you should go see a mental health professional. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision but you're feeling guilty about it. You shouldn't feel guilty. This is a very hard decision to make, and it should be purely your decision. Your ex already has 3 children who he's neglected, visiting his youngest child twice in one week does not constitute a change. You can't count on him.
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