Annacabana Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I think that our drives are supposed to change as our relationship changes. The strong sex drive is to help the human race survive. Isn't that what getting married to your mate and having a family is all about. After a woman has a baby her chemical/hormonal makeup changes so she won't have a strong sex drive,to avoid a new pregnancy.If pregnancy happens soon after a previous birth, a mother's milk starts to dry up. The previous baby would be left without milk, unless a wet nurse was available. The availability of formula doesn't change the fact that our babies were meant to drink breast milk. Also later in the marriage, the older we get, our hormonal changes wane, as is less testosterone, less estrogen, which also changes our sex drives. Our bodies change because our baby making years are coming to an end. 35 years old is considered advanced maternal age and a lot of people these days are getting married later in life. Interesting in how that might effect the sexual relationship. That is the physical chemical part. I also think that our baggage,problems we have with our partners can effect our passion towards each other. In the beginning when we are having crazy sex with our partners, there is no past with each other . The other person has not in any way hurt our feelings, taken us for granted, or pissed us off. Over time, which is sad but true, there are hurts and annoyances that effect the way we feel about each other and that does effect our sexual relationship. It makes it harder to open up and share ourselves.
Frances Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 A lot depends on what else is going on in your life. Making time for sex does not seem to be a priority. People working long hours and then when they go to bed they are just fit for sleep. When my kids were younger they went to bed at a reasonable hour and we had time to spend together and we were not restricted to the bedroom and we had more sex. Now they are older sex is only in the bedroom and it is not as often. The problem for having sex less often is down to my h more so than me. He has a bad back that plays him up at times. I do not think it is always because of the women that there is less sex. I still like sex and I am not far of sixty. Perhaps I will have to have an affair!
Krytellan Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 And why ? or why not ? I'm obviously not meeting her emotional needs. You see, treating her nicely, making a far above average living, going on fancy vacations, and arranging life so she doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to gives her an existential "ennui" that leaves no room for sex. You set yourself up to feel helpless if you truly believe that these are the things that matter most t women. For some it does, but they aren't the subject of this post. You express a heavy sarcasm in your comment that suggest that you are spiteful or unrespectful of your wife. Is this true? If so, she would definitely feel it and that would play a role in the sexual dynamic. However, having been in your shoes, I do acknowledge that it always in our control.
Krytellan Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 And why do married men put up with no sex or hardly any at all ? Me I love sex. I can't imagine being with someone and not giving them one of the important things in life.... Yeah, my ex-wife who quickly stopped wanting to have sex with me loved sex too. Everyone loves sex. Drives subside and sometimes go away. It happens. God I hate this topic. Having been in it I feel very strongly about it. It just seems that there's nothing to be done about it and it almost seems inevitable. I see men/women complaining about their partners' lack of desire/sex. It has nothing to do with gender. Men lose interest just as often as women. It sucks, it's a reality, and it's INCREDIBLY depressing.
Krytellan Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 However, having been in your shoes, I do acknowledge that it always in our control. I meant "isn't" in our control
lonelybird Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 But the lean times sexually in my relationships have had a least some fractional blame that I've had to own. My pride, ego, stubborness and unwillingness to be the bigger person have all been parts of the puzzle. It's counter-intuitive for a lot of guys, but it's giving without expectation of return that gets you the most back. Personally, that was a hard lesson to learn. Brilliant!
lonelybird Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 The strong sex drive is to help the human race survive. Isn't that what getting married to your mate and having a family is all about. . :eek: What about spiritual growth? human being is not only group of organs, human being also has spiritual side, that what make human being is different from animal
Krytellan Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 human being also has spiritual side Not me. That's an assumption. Happiness, that's what drives me. Hedonism is what it's all about.
Lizzie60 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Bull. Cheating is rampant and it's almost always because of no sex at home. I've said it before and will say it again... most men cheat... for many reasons, but sex (at home) is the #1 reason, whether it's no sex or boring sex.
cranium Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I think that sexual disinterest in a marriage rarely exists in a vacuum and its causes can't be as one-sided as posters like Scrivdog would suggest. In fact, in true "chicken or egg" fashion, his inability to see her side is probably the main reason for the dysfunctional sex life… Loss of sexuality in a relationship can dull the vitality and create separation, no doubt. I don’t agree that his inability to see her side is probably the main reason for the dysfunctional sex life. Maybe the main reason is she can’t be bothered to see his side no matter how many times he’s explained himself. I know Scriv can be abrasive with his posts, but if he is like me, we’re not talking about an issue that materialized overnight. Perhaps the causes can be as one-sided as he suggests. I know, for me, I would love to be sexual everyday; more than once. My wife is content with once every two weeks. So, how about we compromise to 2-3/week. No, not going to happen. Then, her needs aren’t being met b/c she feels pressured to have sex more frequently than she wants. It doesn't make the wife a bad person, it doesn't make her evil, manipulative, nor does it make her a vampire. It just makes her a basically sexless marriage partner. I think it's OK for a guy to make a reasonable effort at getting things back on track, but I don't think it's OK for him to go to marriage counseling, see doctors, buy expensive gifts more than he would, take over housework, and become some kind of emotional sponge and then still feel guilty because he wants some female attention that his dear wife can't be bothered to give. I’ve never understood how one’s wife benefits from making her husband feel guilty for wanting her? Go figure. Maybe my evidence is purely anecdotal and based on my own experiences. But the lean times sexually in my relationships have had a least some fractional blame that I've had to own. My pride, ego, stubborness and unwillingness to be the bigger person have all been parts of the puzzle. It's counter-intuitive for a lot of guys, but it's giving without expectation of return that gets you the most back. Personally, that was a hard lesson to learn. I guess you can continue to lump your wife in with the "Starbucks shrews". I just don't understand how that helps you get what you what I too know I’ve contributed when I took rejection personally, harbored resentment, became bitter. So, then I’m bitter and frustrated – well, she’s not interested in being physical with someone who’s bitter and frustrated. Viscous circle. Unwillingness to be the bigger person and giving without expectations all the time, everytime??? I’ve tried this approach for years (not days or weeks, years). No, it does not get you the most back. I’m not giving up completely, yet. Maybe Scriv has reached a point of resignation and realizes that it really doesn’t matter what he does/doesn’t do – none of it will help him get what he wants. I've said it before and will say it again... most men cheat... for many reasons, but sex (at home) is the #1 reason, whether it's no sex or boring sex. Most men (and women) would prefer to feel wanted and desired by their partner; an inherent need to feel sexually attractive to your partner. If my partner doesn’t want to be sexual and/or doesn’t recognize me when we are sexual something's amiss. My wife may be fulfilled by being recognized at other times in other ways – words of affirmation, domestic support, whatever it may be. Mine is physical touch and sexual fulfillment and I don't think I differ from other men in that regard. This is what makes A’s appealing. There is a newness and both partners are present to each other, they look at each other, touch each other, desire each other.
Horse Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Maybe my evidence is purely anecdotal and based on my own experiences. But the lean times sexually in my relationships have had a least some fractional blame that I've had to own. My pride, ego, stubborness and unwillingness to be the bigger person have all been parts of the puzzle. It's counter-intuitive for a lot of guys, but it's giving without expectation of return that gets you the most back. Personally, that was a hard lesson to learn. Mr. Lucky Yeah.. I wish it was that easy for me too. I've tried this for years. It is a lot less disappointing when you aren't expecting anything. But it didn't make a difference. Actually I think it might have made things worse. She has been happy with the relationship these past few years. Her needs have been met. The only time there is a problem for her is when I bring it up. And since she is content, and I am not bugging her all of the time it is relatively easy for her to pretend everything is cool. If everything is cool, then there is no reason for her to do anything different. If I had been less patient and more demanding, maybe we could have sorted this out by now.
alphamale Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Are most of the single people you know happy? Are we dealing with the human condition here or is happiness related to one's marital state? some are and some are not....but the single people have many more options available to them...they can decide no not date, they can date many people or they can have serious relationships with one person. the unhappy married couple can stay together (which is bad) or they can divorce (which is even worse) If , as you say, the dissatisfaction rate with marriage is so high, why do most of my single friends wish they could find and actively look for "the one"? maybe they are young and clueless?? maybe they've never been married and have no idea what its like? maybe they're women who have more desire to marry and have kids? I know a bunch of happy single men in their 30s and 40s that date a lot and have a lot of fun and have no desire to marry. In this age range its mostly the women who want to settle down and marry. Screw that I say!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Unwillingness to be the bigger person and giving without expectations all the time, everytime??? I’ve tried this approach for years (not days or weeks, years). No, it does not get you the most back. I’m not giving up completely, yet. Maybe Scriv has reached a point of resignation and realizes that it really doesn’t matter what he does/doesn’t do – none of it will help him get what he wants. I know Scriv can be abrasive with his posts, but if he is like me, we’re not talking about an issue that materialized overnight. Perhaps the causes can be as one-sided as he suggests. I know, for me, I would love to be sexual everyday; more than once. My wife is content with once every two weeks. So, how about we compromise to 2-3/week. No, not going to happen. Then, her needs aren’t being met b/c she feels pressured to have sex more frequently than she wants. Yeah.. I wish it was that easy for me too. I've tried this for years. It is a lot less disappointing when you aren't expecting anything. But it didn't make a difference. Actually I think it might have made things worse. She has been happy with the relationship these past few years. Her needs have been met. The only time there is a problem for her is when I bring it up. And since she is content, and I am not bugging her all of the time it is relatively easy for her to pretend everything is cool. If everything is cool, then there is no reason for her to do anything different. The following is a stripped down version of a conversation I had over and over again early in my marriage: Me: Meet my conditions and I'll love you Her: Love me unconditionally and I'll meet your conditions Not hard to see the disconnect there. My point is simply that you can "quid pro quo" your marriage til hell freezes over and all it will do is raise your LoveShack post count. You'll need to figure out a different way. You see, treating her nicely, making a far above average living, going on fancy vacations, and arranging life so she doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to gives her an existential "ennui" that leaves no room for sex. He is certainly "owed" an awful lot of sex Mr. Lucky
Horse Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 My point is simply that you can "quid pro quo" your marriage til hell freezes over and all it will do is raise your LoveShack post count. You'll need to figure out a different way. Mr. Lucky And. I guess my point is that some of us were able to figure this out early on, but it hasn't helped. I'm glad it worked for you. I'm still working on figuring out a different way.
wellanydaynow Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Do you find this is true ? Big Yes Does your wife give you it ? NO, I have to beg Or less ? way less, left up to her, it would be 0-ZERO And why ? or why not ? She does not feel like it's a big deal now... she would rather yack on the phone or watch TV. And why do married men put up with no sex or hardly any at all ? Well, I guess for me... I take one look at her, remember what she did to me,, and those feelings "go away".
marriedwithtwo Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Fact is, ask almost any guy married for a few years and he'll tell you he hardly gets any at home. It's comforting to think that these guys have brought it on themselves by somehow neglecting or mistreating their wives. It fits in perfectly with some naive sense of fairness and the cleanly laid out natural order we learned from Hollywood and Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. But the reality is that marriage can, and often does lead to a situation where the wife hardly wants to touch her husband's dick anymore while he wants sex three times a week or more. It doesn't make the wife a bad person, it doesn't make her evil, manipulative, nor does it make her a vampire. It just makes her a basically sexless marriage partner. I think it's OK for a guy to make a reasonable effort at getting things back on track, but I don't think it's OK for him to go to marriage counseling, see doctors, buy expensive gifts more than he would, take over housework, and become some kind of emotional sponge and then still feel guilty because he wants some female attention that his dear wife can't be bothered to give. Just understand that there are nice guys not getting much sex from their wives (see Moose) and being downright treated like crap (see H2T), and in many cases there's nothing much they can do to change it. To tell them that there is still more they can do is cruel. It gives them false hope, makes them feel guilty that they failed, and denies them the right to face reality. That the rest of their lives with their current spouse is going to be pretty sexless as well. I agree with most of what you've said. I have it way better than most with sex 1-2 times per week with my wife. However her enthusiasm and spontaneous nature is lacking unless she has had a few drinks. Kids are partly to blame, they take the energy and priority. She simply does not have the interest or motivation for sex, which I TOTALLY do not understand. Sex is enjoyment and relaxing, not a chore. When the man is initiator always, it starts to feel as if he is having to convince her. I also do not agree with the double standard where men have to make everything PERFECT for their wives before they are "ready" to have sex, and even then it can be lacking. What I do not agree with is the cheating thing. I would not and will not every cheat, out of respect for my family if nothing else. If things are so bad, I would tell her what's going on and end the relationship before moving on. I do this partly because I expect nothing less from her.
marriedwithtwo Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I think that our drives are supposed to change as our relationship changes. The strong sex drive is to help the human race survive. Isn't that what getting married to your mate and having a family is all about. After a woman has a baby her chemical/hormonal makeup changes so she won't have a strong sex drive,to avoid a new pregnancy.If pregnancy happens soon after a previous birth, a mother's milk starts to dry up. The previous baby would be left without milk, unless a wet nurse was available. The availability of formula doesn't change the fact that our babies were meant to drink breast milk. Also later in the marriage, the older we get, our hormonal changes wane, as is less testosterone, less estrogen, which also changes our sex drives. Our bodies change because our baby making years are coming to an end. 35 years old is considered advanced maternal age and a lot of people these days are getting married later in life. Interesting in how that might effect the sexual relationship. That is the physical chemical part. I also think that our baggage,problems we have with our partners can effect our passion towards each other. In the beginning when we are having crazy sex with our partners, there is no past with each other . The other person has not in any way hurt our feelings, taken us for granted, or pissed us off. Over time, which is sad but true, there are hurts and annoyances that effect the way we feel about each other and that does effect our sexual relationship. It makes it harder to open up and share ourselves. Sounds typical of all of the "reasons" why a wife will give to not have sex. If you love your husband fully, why wouldn't you WANT to make him happy and fufilled? The list goes on forever of why "not" to have sex: Tired stressed kids were over me all day I have to get up early tomorrow headache can't stop thinking about that bill / repair / weekend / anything the light in the room is too bright and now I'm annoyed bad mood period just about to start period just over sore down there need to shower, don't want to allergy medicine makes me feel funny and so on. Try making a list of all the reasons you DO want to have sex. (glass is half full kind of thing).
marriedwithtwo Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 One more note (would not let me edit my post up above): So why do I stay? Because nothing in life is perfect. You have to pick and choose what is your limit. In my case, the rest of our life and family is just about perfect. Sex is often "enough", so as this to not be one small point for me to lose everything else. Do I want more, yes. Would I call it the #1 issue in our relationship, yes, it is more of an issue than the next 10 things combined. Am I gonna leave, no, it's a problem, but VERY small relative to all else which is good. If sex was perfect, there would be something else that was a problem, and we would be discussing that on another forum I'll bet.
Author Mary3 Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Repairs for No Sex The list goes on forever of why "not" to have sex: Tired Go take a nap and then come back to me stressed Go take a drive and get your hair done and come back to me kids were over me all day Give the kids a nap and come back to me I have to get up early tomorrow Go to bed extra early and then wake me up headache Here take some aspirin can't stop thinking about that bill / repair / weekend / anything Lame excuses the light in the room is too bright and now I'm annoyed Shut it off and rest your eyes and come back to me bad mood Calm down and then have sex with me that will cheer you up period just about to start Go take some Midol and come back to me period just over Go clean up and come back to me sore down there Take a 3 hour break and come back to me need to shower, don't want to Get your arse in the shower allergy medicine makes me feel funnyDon't take them 2 hours before I come homeand so on.
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