peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Hello I have came across the old "I don't want a relationship" line a few times in my day. I am curious, this is mostly for the ladies. Have you ever said this to a guy you were dating or friends with, only to regret it later or when the guy moved on?
Kwo-ne'-she Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Yes. I truly wasn't ready for a relationship, and told someone that. He later moved on, and I was left to wonder what if..... but, at the time, I had no choice, other than to be honest with him. He actually found a great lady, and they are happy together now.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Thanks, I am sure it has happened, but I am just curious how often it occurs.
Tlady11 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Yes, yes, yes, I just recently did this and I want to KICK myself! I just got out of a 16 year marriage and I was extremely commitment-shy. I absolutely did not want a relationship. I played the field for a while and it only confirmed that need--no commitment for me right now, I was happy on my own! Then I met this new guy, gave him the "I'm not looking for a long term" relationship deal, and he was fine with it. We've been dating for about 3 months--we only see each other 3-4 times a month because of distance and life obligations. But now the more I see him and get to know him the more I regret telling him that. He is fantastic. I don't want to see anyone else. He's smart and sexy and has many of the same values I do. I'm sad when I leave his place now because I know it will be at least a week or two before I get to see him again. I'm trying to reel in my emotions. I find myself fishing for information on wether he is seeing someone else, and I try to squash that before he realizes what I'm doing. I'm taking my time with him but looking ahead too and I think I've come across an issue that will allow the conversation to come about naturally in the near future. We'll see.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Thanks for the great responses and good luck the the above poster. I seem to have had this happen to me on a frequent basis. Usually, a day or even up to 6 months later, the girl contacts me or I bump into her and she shows renewed interest. Like " you look like you are doing good..." Like somehow she expected me not to be doing well? The ass kicker is that at this point I have always lost so much respect for the girl that I don't see her as anything more than a piece of ass. Even though I do try not to. I have even had one practically confess her love to me after we ran into each other and had a one night stand 6 months after she tole me "I don't want a relationship". Gawd.... women.... I am doomed.... I do love ya ladies, just so frustrated.
Tlady11 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 There are definitely women who string men along on purpose, or they have couple of men "interested" in them so when they break up with man #1 they will have an alternate waiting in the wings. I want to smack them--women like that give the rest of us a bad rap. Then there are they ones who are "finding" themselves and stomp on their fella along the way. I don't put myself in this category because I'd never stomp on someone's heart that way. If the subject comes up with my guy and he says he's not interested in a long term relationship I'll take my deserved lumps. It's not my intention to mislead him--it's actually a compliment to him. I had NO intention of getting involved with someone, I was only dating because I genuinely like the company of men and I am not a nun. But it took a pretty great man to break through my walls and fears. It wouldn't have happened with just anyone.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 But it took a pretty great man to break through my walls and fears. It wouldn't have happened with just anyone. I see, but isn't this kind of a backwards way of perception? I mean, really what you are doing on a subconscious level is saying: "I am in need of a man's attention, wether or not it is meaningful. ANd if the right guy does come along, I am going to make him wade through all of my psychological baggage to win me over" Does that make any sense? I mean, really what you are doing on a subconscious level is saying: "I am in need of a man's attention, wether or not it is meaningful." - Does this mean you are using men to "validate" yourself? To give you an ego boost, to make sure men still find you attractive? A good man has options, and many decent men would not want to put up with the "wall". Your wall is emotional baggage that you bring into a new relationship.... not good.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 No, I can't say I ever have. I've gone out a few times with, and had sex with guys who were "Mr. Right Now" but would never make it to "Mr. Right". If I know I don't want a relationship with someone regardless of what is going on with us in the present I know I won't change my mind, and I can honestly say I never have nor have I ever regretted it. I guess there was no baggage really preventing me from wanting a relationship - it was just a simple matter of liking someone in the present enough to be together casually but not seeing a serious relationship future there for whatever reason. Not all girls who date casually are looking for a relationship. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, ya know? I've been happy for the guy when he moves on and finds someone else. If nothing else, it lets me off the hook so to speak and don't feel so bad about not wanting more than something casual with him.
Tlady11 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I see, but isn't this kind of a backwards way of perception? I mean, really what you are doing on a subconscious level is saying: "I am in need of a man's attention, wether or not it is meaningful. ANd if the right guy does come along, I am going to make him wade through all of my psychological baggage to win me over" Does that make any sense? I mean, really what you are doing on a subconscious level is saying: "I am in need of a man's attention, wether or not it is meaningful." - Does this mean you are using men to "validate" yourself? To give you an ego boost, to make sure men still find you attractive? A good man has options, and many decent men would not want to put up with the "wall". Your wall is emotional baggage that you bring into a new relationship.... not good. I've never once "used" a man to give me an ego boost. I'm quite content to be alone and I certainly don't need someone else to validate me. I ENJOY men's company. I LIKE them as people. I was married for 16 years and with ONE man my entire life. This is the first time I've dated in my adult life and it has been the most incredible learning experience for me in so many ways. I've learned that there are jerk men out there just like you've learned there are jerk women and I learned how not to take it personally. I've learned what I find attractive in a man and what is intolerable to me. I've learned that with the RIGHT man can make me want to throw caution to the wind and persue a relationship for the second time in my life. EVERYONE has baggage of one kind or another. My guy never had to wade through any baggage, because I was up front about my needs. Your words would make sense if I said I did want a relationship, then acted cold and distant and he had to work to break through that. I'm certainly not distant and cold with him. I've never been more affectionate or vulnerable with anyone, my ex-husband included. I give of myself more than I thought I could. If he decides to take me at my word and he does not want a commited relationship with me, than it's my problem. I DID tell him I didn't want a relationship. He's made me feel otherwise.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 I DID tell him I didn't want a relationship. Proof of how indecisive women can be. When you say that to a man, you had better mean it! Your situation makes a little more sense, I imagined you being cold and playing games to go along with the "I DID tell him I didn't want a relationship." Good fo you.
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