mister-ess Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I am a professional 38 year old male. 7 months ago i met a woman at a party and right away i felt something that i have never felt before, and so was she. I have dated few women in the past but falling for someone this easy was something new to me. The bad part, she's a married woman of 21 years with a teenage daughter. We started talking on the phone as friends, but we both knew from the very beginning we both have a very strong feelings for each other. We tried to stop, many, many times, but the more we stop, the more we want to talk and see each other. And then, a relationship started. In my heart, i know that i love this woman more than anything. And i know that she loves me too. She kept telling me that she doesnt know if she will get mad or happy that i am 20 years late. That she is very thankfull that i came into her life. But, still, i am in this situation that hurts me so much, but makes me happy as well. (according to her close cousin, who's a friend of mine),she had been loyal to her husband, served him like a king. He controlled her life and not let her be with any friends or even go out to have a good time even once in a while. Her husband screams at her most of the time if things didnt happen his way. Pretty much, coming from her mouth "I am a prisoner in my own house". Her husband hit her 3 times, and asked her why is she still stayng with him? The only answer she gave me , " i only have one child, and she means more than anything in this world to me and i dont want to hurt her". Everytime she say this, it breaks my heart.....specially everytime i hear her say that she love me so much...and things are not fair..... and just waiting for her daughter to pass that critical teenage years and she will leave her husband. Her daughter is 15. We do both love each other so much, and i have to admit that evrytime were together, we both feel that vey strong bond that we both never felt before. I have no one to ask, i cant even open up to my friends. Whoever is reading this and maybe have time to think and give me an honest advice.....please....i'd really appreciate it. thank you!
NearlyThere Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Welcome to LS. I can tell you are having one of the internal struggles that most of the Other People have in this kind of R. The R hurts you but conversely the person who is hurting you is someone that you enjoy being with. Also its not an easy situation to extricate yourself from once you have all these feelings and emotions tangled together, i've been the OW for just over 18 months now and believe it is no bed of roses, all I can say is each day I get closer to the door to leave, thanks to Riobikini for that analogy in a thread from a long time ago, but I still remember vividly. You can't be her emotional support for her, it will drain you, there was a poster on here, I'm sure it was Bonehead, he said he didnt want to use the term cake eater, but Emotional Vampire, I have to say that is more appropriate sometimes. Plus you have to remember what she is telling you might not be 100% the truth, not neccessarily a lie, but an exageration (sp). I can't tell you what to do, however, I can say the longer the A goes on the more difficult it will get. Try and keep yourself busy doing other things, dont sit at home just waiting for "her" to call and tell you she can spare you some time. Try and put yourself in the frame of mind to be available for dates, even if you dont feel like it. Do a search on the threads started by Oyster and Ratingsguy, they will give you a good indication of how things can turn out. Look up the term exit affair, this might be what it is in your case. Come on here to vent and just talk. You will soon get the hang of how it all works. NT
bigblueeyes Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Mr S, my heart goes out to you and your MW. It is such a tragedy when two people like you meet and it is clear that you should be together. However, she is the one who decides to stay even if there are so many reasons she shouldn't - one being it is not very healthy for a teenage girl to grow up in a abusive relationship and her mother should know better. And as long as she wants to stay, there is nothing you can do, and you will end up being drained emotionally from carrying all her bagagge on your shoulders. Now in a normal relationship, you are expected to help and support each other. The problem with an affair, is that it is usually one person who ends up providing all the help and support and that is the OM/OW. And when you need help, a shoulder to cry on, you are often on your own. Or like in my situation, you end up being on your own as your friends grow tired of listening to you make the same mistakes over and over again. Trust me, where you are heading now will only end in tears. And you will be crying on your own.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 By being her knight in shining armor, and the guy who 'treats her right' - you are basically making her marriage tolerable - the things lacking with her husband are no longer problems for her since you are filling that gap - so she can continue the day to day operations of her marriage indifferent to him in those aspects, and there is very little chance she will leave this guy. She gets what she needs from you, and she gets what she needs from him. I expect she needs both equally, and as long as she can get them with no consequence there is a zero chance she will be willing to give either up. Why stay with him when you are offering her happiness? She may not be in the best of marriages, but what she has with him: legacy memories of happier times family history longevity they know each other as intimately as two people can the have 21 years worth of stuff together they share bills they share mortgage they want to have an intact home for their child security heirlooms each other's extended family they support each other, and don't have to support themselves alone status quo family vacations With you she has: love sex How do you think that balances out? Do you have any idea how traumatic it would be to have to sort through 21 years worth of stuff - stuff in the attic, stuff all througout the house, stuff that has had its place for a long time - and move it out into a new place? What it would be like to disengage not only from the husband, but demote yourself down to a part time parent, and say goodbye to extended relatives and friends of the family? What it would be like to give up 20+ years of what you know for something that isn't a 'sure thing' yet? Not to mention the legal nightmare of separation, divorce, alimony, alienation of affection (if your state has that), splitting the bills, the property, the financial obligation to their daughter (college expenses, etc), visitation, figuring out which parent lives in the school district so that the kid doesn't have to switch schools, etc. Then there is finding a new place, moving all that stuff and finding a place for 20+ years worth of stuff. Then, of course there is facing all those people who know that you walked out on 20+ years, your family, and your parenthood for another man. Some people don't care about stuff like that. Others do. She would be giving up everything she knows. I can tell you this: as long as her marriage is tolerable, she will not leave it. It is just entirely too much trouble to leave when the marriage is tolerable. It may be unhappy, but its all she's known for more than twenty years. Now, that said... sometimes the marriage isn't tolerable, and the person will leave. They won't use the "wait til the children are older" excuse, either. They will find that they simply can't stay married anymore and will move on with or without the OP. These are the ones who wanted to divorce in the first place, not the ones who met someone and the idea of divorce only came up as a result of the relationship with the OP. Often the OP gets dumped not long after the divorce, since their services as an 'other person' aren't needed anymore. Sometimes the 'other person' only works in the context of being the 'other person' and will never be considered for the 'only person'. This is called an 'exit affair'. You'll need to find out if you can if she really wanted to divorce in the first place, or if the idea of divorce is just another part of her fantasy relationship with you. That will be tricky, because she will tell you pretty much whatever you want to hear in order to keep the affair going in the ways that work for her. When you give someone a drink of water in the desert, they will say and do pretty much anything to keep that water coming: even if it may not be the truth.
bigblueeyes Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I would not stay in an abusive relationship with a control freak - not for all the crap in the world. I'm sorry LB. But sorting out 21 years of stuff can be done very easily. You just pack your things and leave and let him sort it out. I did it myself and it saved my life - mind you, my bf had tried to strangle me a week earlier, so I sorta knew I had to get the hell out of there. I left with practically nothing, but I was alive! Now I know this situation is not that bad, except this woman is not happy. And to restate my point from earlier what kind of example is she setting for her daughter. I grew up in an abusive home, which explains why I ended up with a bf who broke my nose, slept around, drank like a fish and almost killed me!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I'm sorry LB. But sorting out 21 years of stuff can be done very easily. You just pack your things and leave and let him sort it out. I did it myself and it saved my life - mind you, my bf had tried to strangle me a week earlier, so I sorta knew I had to get the hell out of there. In a case like that, I expect it is easy to do. Your life was on the line.
bigblueeyes Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Actually LB, it was not easy. Leaving an abusive relationship never is. Why do think I stayed after he broke my freaking nose! Even though the cops and the doctors tried to persuade me to report him. I guess that fearing for my life did make me see sense, but I took a lot of abuse before I finally figured out that he one day might kill me in one of his fits. But you cannot imagine the fear as I was packing what little I could while he was at work, constantly staring at the watch to make sure I was out of there before he came home. Scary stuff at 21!
4whatItsWorth Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 BBE, I think LB tried to say that if the woman WANTED to leave her marriage she would have done so already - like you said, no woman wants to stay in an abusive relation. Sorry to say, I don't think your MW will leave because if things were so abusive then she'd left him years ago...
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 It sounds like a typical "knight in shining armor" story to me. The AP is going to make you feel that she was abused or abandoned by her husband and she re-writes the marital history to justify having a relationship outside her marriage. However, this is rarely even the case. The lies in the affair just keep getting bigger and bigger and out of control. And by involving the kid it creates even more sympathy and drama for herself and they get off on the attention. Its sickening, but it is common pattern in cheaters. By telling you that her husband is abusive is to scare you from confronting him with the affair. At thirty seven years old you should know better, but you are looking at it with your eyes closed because you are emotionally too close to the situation. If you were smart, you wouldnt get yourself physically involved in other peoples lives.
lonelybird Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 If she divorce her husband and can marry you, will you TRUST her? Honest is a charactor, not according to environment Now she is in her marriage, that means you are outsider, you didn't enter into a covenant, but they did. If she wants to be with you, she needs to divorce her husband first. then begin to cheat with you, I mean date with you. You could end up with nothing but a hurting heart and ego, will you like to pay the price?
NoIDidn't Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 What I don't understand is why a woman that claims to be getting beat by her H would risk getting a worse beating when he finds out that she is cheating? I am sure that he hit her for less. That's why I have a hard time believing that the woman is actually being beat up. I know it happens, but you gotta be completely without common sense to take that risk to me. Let's see. He beat me for putting the wrong crease in his work pants, so maybe he will be rational when he finds out that I have been sharing his cookies. Its not a risk worth taking. To me.
annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 It sounds like a typical "knight in shining armor" story to me. The AP is going to make you feel that she was abused or abandoned by her husband and she re-writes the marital history to justify having a relationship outside her marriage. However, this is rarely even the case. The lies in the affair just keep getting bigger and bigger and out of control. And by involving the kid it creates even more sympathy and drama for herself and they get off on the attention. Its sickening, but it is common pattern in cheaters. By telling you that her husband is abusive is to scare you from confronting him with the affair. At thirty seven years old you should know better, but you are looking at it with your eyes closed because you are emotionally too close to the situation. If you were smart, you wouldnt get yourself physically involved in other peoples lives. ....... or maybe she really is unhappy in an abusive and controling relationship.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 If she really is in an abusive relationship, which is really doubtful, then she needs to get help from family services and counsellors, not a boyfriend.
bigblueeyes Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 RT, it doesn't sound like you have ever been in an abusive relationship and good for you. But until you have, don't even think that you can imagine what it is like or think you can start to dish out advice. I sat with a broken nose in an emergency room, surrounded by cops and doctors, who pleaded with me to report by abusive bf. And what did I do? I smiled and stuck to my lame-ass story about slipping on an icy pavement I wore a turtleneck in the middle of summer to cover the bruises on my neck when he tried to strangle me and still lied to all my friends and family about the abuse even though it was obvious. No way in hell was I ready to see any family services or counsellors. I was so ashamed of being so worthless that it was necessary to beat me up. So there is a lot of weird psychology going on in an abusive relationship than perhaps meets the eye, which you should think of before saying what this woman should do.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I agree with you, physical abuse and mental cruelty is a secret and most often kept in silence, but then again so are affairs. The difference is that abused women don't trust anybody, men especially, nor would they tell anybody (or testify to) such private information about themselves, and thats where this story goes wrong. A real abused person wouldnt tell because they live their lives in constant fear. So if she were abused, she'd have considered the consequenses of an affair, like Noididnt said. I would think a person who is abused would be walking on eggshells and completely (emotionally or physically) beaten down into submission by her so called abusive husband. Of course this also endears the OM to her. The abuse story has it's benefit for her and she gets the attention she needs/wants by making up these horrible stories about her husband. Also if he was so concerned, why doesn't he report it to the authorities? Sorry, not trying to create a conflict here, this is just my opinion and given the situation of the affair, it sounds like a bullsh*t story to me. I've seen a lot of people who like to make up these dramatic stories for attention, to demonize their BS to justify having an affair. So they feel less guilty being with their AP's. I think the OM here should beware of this MOW, because this is also the kind of opportunistic person who would likely make false reports on men without even thinking about it. What if she were caught and said the OM forced himself on her? Things could get really bad for this knight in shining armor and mess up his life and his career all at once. Keep in mind that you cant trust someone you are cheating with 100% because of the simple fact that they do sneak around and lie, so they know how to hide and deny things very easily. Sometimes without any conscience whatsoever. Why shouldnt that be true for the OM? It would seem natural that the constant lying and affairs go hand in hand.
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