thats_so_not_cool Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 my boyfriend and i have been together for about 3 years now. we've lived together for brief periods, but the larger portion of our relationship has been long distance. when not living together, we managed to see each other about every 2 months (i'm in fl-he's in ny). the last time i saw him was this past christmas '06. he had recently moved out of his parents house-and gotten an apt with his best friend. not long after moving out, the partying began. there were always people over his apt drinking, but he assured me none of them were girls. by end of january he was already distancing himself. all the signs were there. come the weekend he wouldn't answer his phone. he stopped being so diligent about returning my phonecalls. he suggested an open relationship. he also took every opportunity to start arguments. about mid-march we got into an argument about god knows what. we had just bought plane tickets to see each other-and i told him i wasn't coming. his response to me was, "fine! and by the way, i've cheated on you a bunch of times!" he proceeded to tell me that he had kissed another girl. later on, by pretty much stalking his friends' myspace pages, i learned that she had actually spent the night a few times. i felt completely betrayed and ended the relationship. he said he was sorry, but really made no effort to remedy the situation. from my understanding, she spent the night one more time after we broke up. for whatever reason, him and this girl eventually stopped speaking. one month later-he calls me crying-saying how sorry he is-what a huge mistake he made-and how much he loves me. he blames our long distance relationship and alcohol for what happened. now he says he's willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. since then he has moved out of his friend's apt-and has bought a plane ticket for me to come see him. he's 100% accountable for where he is and who he's with. i really don't know what to think at this point. i want to forgive him, but my mind just won't let me. i keep thinking back to all the **** he did. i picure him hanging out with her in front of all his friends-telling this chick that he doesn't have a gf-laying in bed with her... it kills me. anyway, should i be more lenient given that was long-distance? also, i don't know if this is relevant, but i actually have cheated on him. i never told him though. i acknowledged that it was a mistake, and unlike him, never felt the need to throw it in his face. in the end, it actually made me appreciate him even more. so with that being said, is this a simple case of what goes around comes around?? is there any hope for us?? should i forgive him, or is it simply only a matter of time before he does it again?? :(
justagirliegirl Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 He did seem a bit mean in how he did what he did and now that things didn't work out with her, now he is sorry. I wonder how he would respond if you said you had cheated on him? 3 years is a long time. I would say if there are no plans soon to be together in the same place, it might be best to end it.
InsanityImpaired Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Don't do it. Trust will always be a big issue now; and he did even tell you with sheer malicious intent that he cheated. My guess is it simply did not work out with this girl, and you are his current best bet. The fact that you cheated is irrelevant, as he does not know (yet). For him there does not seem to be a trust issue. For you trust could always be an issue, as he has lied numerous times, sought fights, avoided you et cetera. The open relationship may suggest more was going on as well .
lindya Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I think the likelihood of partners sleeping with other people is far higher in a distance relationship where the two of you don't get to see eachother very often. How do you deal with it? By being open and saying "this isn't going to be a monogamous relationship - not while we're separated by such distance..." or by just saying nothing, quietly sneaking in and out of other people's beds? Either way, it's a problem - particularly for the time (presuming there is a time) when the two of you actually manage to live in the same place. If there's been open non-monogamy then that might leave the non-monogamous party (or parties) with a long term sense of entitlement about sleeping with other people. One that doesn't change, even when they're living with their long term partner. If quiet sneaking around has been going on, then there's a lack of honesty in the relationship...and it seems to me that lack of honesty is a close cousin to lack of respect. Given that he's bought you a ticket, if you're so inclined I think you should pop out and see him. Have a chat about what happened and what it means for your long term future together. If you can it's generally better to discuss the likely consequences something like this has for your relationship, rather than just using such a discussion for an opportunity to express your anger - especially when the other person is already well aware that you're angry.
DOA Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Forget about him. Cheating is cheating. Just because you can't always be physically together 24/7 doesn't give him leeway to do whatever he wants, nor does it soften/lessen the effect his actions have on you. LDRs are hard enough without the odd doubts and insecurities once in a while. Can you imagine being in one where you constantly felt the paranoia of whether or not your boy was out getting it on with someone else while you were across an ocean pining away from him?
lindya Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I saw this after I posted (tried to edit my post but was too late - damn this restrictive editing policy). about mid-march we got into an argument about god knows what. we had just bought plane tickets to see each other-and i told him i wasn't coming. his response to me was, "fine! and by the way, i've cheated on you a bunch of times!" There's a certain vindictiveness, lack of respect and immaturity about that comment which would make me seriously question his overall character. Not just his potential for fidelity.
Trialbyfire Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 To add to the existing advice given, you are the other 50% of this equation. Historically, do you forgive easily? Also, if you've "forgiven" someone previously, do you completely let go by not bringing the issue(s) back, in the next argument?
norajane Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 No, I don't think it's more forgivable just because it's long distance. But maybe, for you, it could be more forgivable because you cheated on him, too, so you have a basis for understanding how he might have done the same. How do you think he'd react if he knew you had cheated? Would he want to be with you anyway? If you think the answer would be no, then you'd best move on.
progressioncity Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I'd say the distancing behavior plus the cheating means he's not serious about a relationship with you. I personally don't think it's any more forgiveable in a long distance relationship and that's my own value system speaking.
Author thats_so_not_cool Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 i really appreciate all of your comments thank you
Curmudgeon Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 As far as I'm concerned, cheating is cheating regardless of the physical distance involved. To argue that it may be more acceptable in a long-distance relationship is tantamount to saying that it's semi-OK for the spouses, SOs and girlfriends/boyfriends of members of the military to cheat when they're partner is deployed elsewhere. This old soldier says it isn't!
lonelybird Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 You both cheated. If you don't forgive him, how can you forgive yourself? Unless you want to apply double standard here. LDR is not a reason for cheating either, honest and trust is most important in a relationship.
Lizzie60 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Cheating is not 'more acceptable' when it's LD...but it is way more predictable or inevitable, IMO. I don't believe in faithfulness in a couple living together so I think it's impossible in a LDR for a long period of time... He cheated on you...and admitted it... you cheated on him...but never admitted it... so what is the big deal? Why are you soooo offended that HE cheated on you? This is double standard... plus I think you're even more to blame here because you're still lying about it.
Love2share Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 It doesn't matter what the situation is. Cheating is never okay! You have to decide how being cheated on makes you feel. If you feel badly, then you shouldn't continue the relationship. Forgivness is more for you than anyone else. I think we should always forgive no matter how long it takes us to reach the point of forgiveness. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to keep them in your life. It's more about giving yourself the right to be free from whatever they did to you. Be free to move on to happiness.
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