oppath Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I'm kind of dating a girl -- I say kind of because she just got out of a relationship a couple weeks ago and it's kind of a rebound/turn to a friend to heal thing, no sex and nothing romantic -- which I'd avoid entirely except I'm healing in a lot of areas in my life and only in town a couple months. Well, last night she told me I seemed really jittery the first few times we hung out; the thing is, I don't recall feeling nervous AT ALL because I have nothing invested in her and I wouldn't date her seriously, not quite my type (which means I need to assert a boundary with her pretty soon). Her jittery comment really got to me. Now, I have suffered from anxiety and depression most of my adult life, and I know I used to be very TENSE and uncomfortable on the first few dates. I thought I got over it. I guess not. Some things are habit. I've always been a fast talker (since I could talk) and an animated person (lot's of gestures) and those are automatic behaviors, even when I'm feeling confident and not insecure in my life, but I can see where those behaviors could really turn a woman off. At the same time, this girl told me I was one of the most laid back guys she'd ever spent time with and one of the best conversationalists. Credit where credit is due. However, other women surely notice the jittery behavior and are turned off. I'm willing to bet I've not gotten second dates for this reason (and I admit, I'm not all that confident at the moment, I'm working through some issues). Any advice on how to change this behavior? I have 24 years of habit here to break. All I can think of is try to think slowly, and thus speak slowlytry to be less animated.Or maybe this is something I just need to accept for the moment; I am working through anxiety issues and depression, and perhaps I just need to accept this is one area that will take patience to work through, but I will get through it. I just feel like many women would be turned off by this, and it's seriously something I was not aware of.
polywog Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Don't worry about how you appear to her. Just be who you are, what more can you do? Maybe she just does not get you, or it's her projection/problem.
Author oppath Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Actually, she is cool with it! I was worried about other girls, but your advice is spot on...be myself!
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I agree that you should just be yourself in this instance. One of my assistants is jittery, yet also very laid back. It's something about how the way her mouth moves when she talks, and sometimes her hands. I believe it's just her body's nerves or something - hard to explain. It's certainly nothing she can control, and I'd be hard pressed to understand how/why that behavior would turn anyone off (and it obviously hasn't - she has men chasing after her left and right). Relax.
Author oppath Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 You're right . Nothing is wrong with being energetic and passionate about certain topics of conversation. Nothing is wrong with being animated. Those are attractive qualities. She wasn't insulting me or expressing disinterest, she was commenting positively about me, actually. I don't shake or twitch . I think I'm at a stage where I'm letting go of the ex and feeling more confident in myself, and I'm being a little hard on myself, analyzing myself too much.
Tropical_Mango Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I think find 1st date nerves or the jitters are quite cute and endearing! Theres nothing worse than an arrogant over-confident guy! As for the fast talking and stuff, id call that a "quirky trait" and i loves me a quirky trait lol. My boyfriend has a slight lisp and i find it to be all part of his cute package. Fast talking or not, its all you and someone should just love you for you, and they will, dont worry about it.
polywog Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I think I'm at a stage where I'm letting go of the ex and feeling more confident in myself, and I'm being a little hard on myself, analyzing myself too much. YES, you're just kind of vulnerable still, and self-conscious about your anxiety issues. And I agree, you are being hard on yourself. Stop It ! I know, I know, not as easy as it sounds.... but just be especially kind to yourself. And remember how many people there are who just don't get us... any of us, even tho they are nice. Don't take it personally. You remind me of a thoroughbred racehorse, in a good way. As my mom always said about us kids, "my children are 'high-stringeder' than most"...I think it was a line from a Truman Capote story (her favorite author).
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