ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 does any of the advice given on here actually help? or do you mostly come on here to talk about the one thing that the majority of the time you have to keep to yourself? so in other words are you using L.S. as a form of release or taking the advice given on board reason being is i'm pre-affair, so to speak, and i know what i'm about to do is wrong and karma is going to bite me on the ass - but i can't help it can someone explain to me why i can't help it?
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Because you're thinking short term and in the heat of the moment. You're not thinking ahead of all the pain that you're gonna feel and the fact that you're going to help your MM cheat on his wife and betray his whole family. MANY OW have said if only I knew then what I know now, they would have walked away. I suggest you go and read many of the threads in this section and see what you're up against if you CHOOSE (because it is a choice) to involve yourself with a MM. And, read some threads in the infidelity section so you'll see the other side of the aftermath when affairs are found out about. Read how families lives are turned upside down and blown apart, the pain and devastation... Think of it this way, if you were married, how you would you feel if an OW had an affair with your husband? The MM may be looking for some fun on the side, don't you think you're worth MORE than that?? More than his side dish? The chances of him leaving his wife are really slim to none - And, even if you two do have an affair, and it leads to something more (say he leaves his wife) could you really trust him 100%?? Knowing that he cheated on his wife, the one he said vows to infront of his family and friends??? What makes you think he couldn't lie and cheat on you?? (All this is a big what if, ofcourse...) This MM isn't up for grabs, so I hope you do some thinking and decide not to pursue this impending affair. You deserve much more! Like a single man who can offer ALL of himself to you, not just stolen moments. Good luck.
Lizzie60 Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 does any of the advice given on here actually help? or do you mostly come on here to talk about the one thing that the majority of the time you have to keep to yourself? so in other words are you using L.S. as a form of release or taking the advice given on board reason being is i'm pre-affair, so to speak, and i know what i'm about to do is wrong and karma is going to bite me on the ass - but i can't help it can someone explain to me why i can't help it? It's to give advices; to get some; to share my life experiences; to know about others; to share my secret life (cause I can't share it with people around me)... I don't believe in karma so it's not a problem for me. My only advice, I don't know why you are doing this...but if it's for 'physical attraction' or because you are craving love and attention, just DON'T fall in love... because you might be in for some pain and frustrations.
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 thanks, I appreciate it and i understand and have thought through everything you've just said for two years now and I'm still left in the same postion, wanting this probably out of pure selfishness... see it doesn't help that the MM and I work together, he's my boss, how cliché.....and I have a boyfriend who at times can put so much pressure on me i feel like I'm going to explode - now in saying that we get on fantastic, but maybe its friendship not love - i'm still figuring that out....well it must be friendship if I'm looking somewhere else right? I'll take your advice and have a read around - hopefully that will help, I'll cop on and probably have to leave my job!! thanks again
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 its a physical/mental attraction, sometimes the way he talks to me through emails, text etc it feels like he's the one who could possibly fall in love more so - i know this is an awful thing to say but i think a relationship with a MM might be better for me, less demanding.... edit: but then, everything "wonderful" he's saying is probably a load of s*** just to get me into bed!It's to give advices; to get some; to share my life experiences; to know about others; to share my secret life (cause I can't share it with people around me)... I don't believe in karma so it's not a problem for me. My only advice, I don't know why you are doing this...but if it's for 'physical attraction' or because you are craving love and attention, just DON'T fall in love... because you might be in for some pain and frustrations.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 ... see it doesn't help that the MM and I work together, he's my boss, how cliché.....and I have a boyfriend who at times can put so much pressure on me i feel like I'm going to explode #1 He's MARRIED. #2 He's your BOSS. #3 THINK of your boyfriends feelings! Break up with him first. To inflict that type of pain on your bf is really selfish and cruel. He doesn't deserve that! This has to be the worst combo. So, if you want to ruin your career, your reputation and be the office gossip, you better think about it even more! The MM Boss, you have a crush on, sexual attraction, whatever...It isn't love, it's LUST! Let it go and just leave things as they are... Your MM boss though is a stupid man for even pondering crossing the lines with you, not only cuz he is a MM, but because HE is in a position of POWER being the boss! People lives get ruined at work because of workplace affairs between employees and employers. Double the drama! If your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs, talk to your boyfriend, don't go looking for what you're missing in the relationship for your married boss!
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 edit: but then, everything "wonderful" he's saying is probably a load of s*** just to get me into bed! Yes, keep thinking like that. And, do you think you're the first OW he's hit on? My guess is no. Rise above it and stop crossing the lines with him, it's unprofessional. It's just so wrong to be doing that stuff with your boss either way!
bigblueeyes Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I come here to vent my sadness, my anger, my frustrations, to get advice and dish it out Some advice really helps and I've even tried to follow some of it. But to be honest, we all know that no matter how much good advice you get, sometimes you still decide to go ahead and do the "wrong" thing. As said, you need to think really long and hard about why you would want to get involved with a MM or your boss for that matter. And in respect to the latter, I believe that it is never a good idea to dip your pen in company ink, if you know what I mean. It sounds like you are unhappy in your relationship and that could be why you are attracted to you boss. But if you are unhappy in your relationship, then perhaps it is better to first deal with that, BEFORE getting yourself involved. I was in an unhappy relationship when I got involved with MM. I left my ex, but fell in love with MM and am now in a very sad situation, loving a man who is not mine and most likely never will be. If you just want a no-strings affair, then you probably know that there is no such thing as no-strings unless it is a one-night stand. But it doesn't sound like you are just looking for a one-night stand. You will do whatever you want to do. But please think long and hard about why you are looking for another man when you are in a relationship. Think about why you are attracted to this man in particular. Is it because he is different from your boyfriend, is he exciting because it is forbidden? All the answers you need are there inside of you. But finding them can be hard. Trust me, been there, done that and all I got is a lousy t-shirt
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 you're right you're right whichwayisup, it's laughable how much this sounds like something from a problem page in some tabloid newspaper "ask vera" i've tried sorting out the problems i have with my bf but they just keep on happening over and over again. Everything goes swimmingly for weeks and then he gets drunk and tells me he's not happy with some random thing and at the worst possible time! the last time he did i had just been in a car accident and then told the next day my uncle was ill - then my boyfriend springs on me "i don't get to see you enough, things have been weird lately" - it's like f**k off, stop being so self-involved!!
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 First off, then end it with your boyfriend...To go and cheat on him is only going to make your life turn into a rollercoaster. There's no excuse to cheat on him, even if he is selfish and inconsiderate. Take control and DO something about if you're that unhappy with your bf. you're right you're right whichwayisup, it's laughable how much this sounds like something from a problem page in some tabloid newspaper "ask vera" Sure, it's funny now, but fast forward 2 months and I doubt very much you'll be laughing. Spend time with your girl friends, family and have fun. Forget the MM Boss, that's just a stupid situation you don't want to get into... Also, if you ward-off the MM boss, you will have so much more respect for yourself as a woman! To know that you didn't allow yourself to become the OW, to fool around with another woman's husband!
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 ok - work tomorrow, I'll let you know how i get on - my bf is away for a few weeks so that might help me clear my head a little. if it doesn't, its the nunnery for me
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 you're still with him? I was in an unhappy relationship when I got involved with MM. I left my ex, but fell in love with MM and am now in a very sad situation, loving a man who is not mine and most likely never will be.
bigblueeyes Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 With MM? Yes, for a year now. And trust me, it is very, very difficult. On good days, I am confident he and I are meant to be and will spend the rest of our lives together. On bad days, I feel like the world's biggest fool for falling for all his empty promises and gestures. But I am still with him.
bigblueeyes Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 MisBHaven, if you want a glimpse of what it is like being with MM, then read the thread I started today. Ask yourself if you want to be in a similar situation a year from now and bear in mind I consider myself lucky as I have a super-job, really good friends, a very nice home and lots of other good stuff going for me
HennyPenny Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Hello, my situation is similar to yours. I come here to read these stories and talk some sense into myself. And (not to insult the regular posters here) almost none of these people are in positions I want to be in. The ones that say they are happy, well, I have a hard time believing them. Even if many of them start these relationships claiming to like the nature of it, sooner or later that seems to change. I even have trouble believing the success stories sometimes. Even if they end up "winning" the married lover, I can't imagine trusting that person to remain faithful. My issue isn't a rotten boyfriend, but a rotten ex. I seriously don't want to have another man so prominent in my life or my home. The problem is, at least in my situation, there are strong feelings involved. He has let me know of his feelings for me, and reminds me continuously through his words and actions. He's very sensitive to my needs and attends to them with such care and kindness. I find myself weakening at times for these reasons, and I feel like I'm falling completely into his trap. I know at this time he is not making any plans to leave his wife, and my feelings for him are too strong to be able to share him. Please start distancing yourself now. My heart breaks every day when I realize how perfect we'd be together, how well we get along, how explosive we'd be in bed. He tells me everything I want to hear. He makes me feel loved and adored. Did I mention he's drop-dead gorgeous? Sparks fly like mad whenever we're together, and this is being noticed by co-workers. Not good. I am way too emotionally invested in this man and I certainly didn't plan to be - ever. I am very proud to say that even though he's continually working on me in his own sexy, subtle ways, I haven't weakened. When I find myself thinking on dangerous terms, I come here and read. It's depressing, but it's helping. Even if you feel that you can keep an emotional distance, it's probably not a chance you want to take. Trust me, someone's feelings will be hurt. If not your or his, then his wife's - who is completely innocent in all this.
norajane Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Your MM boss is not the escape to your bf problems that you might be thinking he will be. You'll just have new problems to add on top of the old ones. If your bf isn't right for you, then end it. Why continue in a relationship that makes you feel bad? End it, clear your head and heart for a while, and then open your eyes to other men around you. The world is not limited to you your bf and this MM. So why limit yourself to two bad options?
scaredinlove Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I come here to vent, get advises and try to help other people in similar situations and understand mine better. I am a OW, MM was my boss ,I became the office gossip and left the job because i was tired of little laughs behind my back. He was almost got fired and left too. His W found out, I told my exH and wnt thru hell and back. I am still with MM but some voice in the back of my mind is starting to scream, "Walk way and never look back!!!", maybe one day I will listen to this voice. Bottom line if you like drama, go ahead ! If not ,turn around and find someone else. You know what?Walk away you don't need the drama!
My_Other_I Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 does any of the advice given on here actually help? or do you mostly come on here to talk about the one thing that the majority of the time you have to keep to yourself? so in other words are you using L.S. as a form of release or taking the advice given on board reason being is i'm pre-affair, so to speak, and i know what i'm about to do is wrong and karma is going to bite me on the ass - but i can't help it can someone explain to me why i can't help it? Yes, it does help. If your reading of the stories on here haven't stopped you from wanting to have an affair, than you might just be a non-believer who needs to hit the ground and find out for herself. I, personally, had no idea about affairs until mine ended. I thought it was special and just a bad timing of our 'love'. That is until I came here. Half of the stories on here were extremelly similiar to what I had experienced; the stories MM come up with, the special love, the neverending cycle.... I am not gonna tell you not to go ahead and find out for your self, but I am going to tell you to think it over and read more stories. You might experience a short term happiness and a great sex but you are more likely to suffer a great heart ache and regrets. Take it from someone who's been MM free for few years now. It took longer to recover than the actual A. Please, be careful.
Author ms.b.haven Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 see this is the sort of thing that is happening at the moment - and people are noticing I'm sure of it, it doesn't help that i can't control myself from flirting with him when we do talk. I promised myself I'd completely ignore him today but he just seems to wheedle his way back in.... you know this has been going on for more than a year so if I can keep him at bay for that long i can continue doing it. lets hope i don't have another weak moment (yes I've kissed him already, nothing more and so long ago i can't remember it) I've told my bf i don't know what i want anymore - taking a few weeks to get my head around things now - it might help if i could take a few weeks off work too Sparks fly like mad whenever we're together, and this is being noticed by co-workers. Not good.
Ripples Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 - taking a few weeks to get my head around things now - it might help if i could take a few weeks off work too That sounds like a good plan. It'd be a really good idea to invest some time and energy into you while you have this space. Come to the realisation that the best way to start a relationship is when you're in a position of not needing one. Take some time out and get that 'woman of substance' thing going. Its not hard Also, always remember that a relationship can only work if both parties are non-dysfunctional and a married man wanting an affair is hardly that
2sunny Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 listen to your conscience... it will help steer you in the RIGHT direction...
hardcase Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 does any of the advice given on here actually help? or do you mostly come on here to talk about the one thing that the majority of the time you have to keep to yourself? so in other words are you using L.S. as a form of release or taking the advice given on board reason being is i'm pre-affair, so to speak, and i know what i'm about to do is wrong and karma is going to bite me on the ass - but i can't help it can someone explain to me why i can't help it? Because you are one of the many types that are not suitable for marriage or a committed relationship. And yes, it will come back to bite you in the ass...and a well deserved ass biting at that.
hardcase Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 That sounds like a good plan. It'd be a really good idea to invest some time and energy into you while you have this space. Do you think she wants this "space" to do the classic psycho babble "searching for oneself"....or do you think she wants to do it so she can be guilt free when she winds up in bed with this other guy since her and her bf will be on a break? I think it is the latter and she wants to pull a Ross Gellar.
frannie Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 does any of the advice given on here actually help? or do you mostly come on here to talk about the one thing that the majority of the time you have to keep to yourself? so in other words are you using L.S. as a form of release or taking the advice given on board reason being is i'm pre-affair, so to speak, and i know what i'm about to do is wrong and karma is going to bite me on the ass - but i can't help it can someone explain to me why i can't help it? I am responding before I read the thread. So. Does the advice on here help? No, not right now. In the past I've listened and taken on board comments, but at the end of the day, I've just been looking for back-up or some magic way to talk him into leaving these past two years. Or looking for ways to convince him that HIS best action is to leave... all pointness. And in recent months all I've seen is people telling me that affairs are wrong and that I shouldn't be in one. Being as most of those comments come from people who have no clue about me or my relationship... no, I cant' say that posts here help me. In fact they're just antagonistic and laughable most of the time. Do I come here to talk about something I can't talk about in real life? No. I don't talk about the ins and outs of my relationship here. I have friends in real life who have actually met him and know me, and for one reason or another are in a far better position to talk about it than people on a message board who have their own fish to fry on affairs. Why would they be better people to talk to than real life friends..? The rest of your post I can't see as related to the first half. So you 'know' about karma, and doing wrong, and you can't help it and blah blah blah... what is that about..? If you want to be in the situation then you go into it, if not, then you don't... what does that have to do with friends, and internet boards..? And if you really feel the way you're talking, then don't you think it's more about the experience than anything to do with him and who he is as a person..? Is he someone you want to be with, and you really feel some good things coming from this, then what is with all the other questions..?
hardcase Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 And if you really feel the way you're talking, then don't you think it's more about the experience than anything to do with him and who he is as a person..? Is he someone you want to be with, and you really feel some good things coming from this, then what is with all the other questions..? Whats with all the other questions?...because believe it or not, frannie, some people have a sense of decency. I just hope decency isn't something that she is void of and does the right thing. I know you can't understand that.
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