It is really obvious to do, but....

[bigblueeyes]

(SORRY TITLE OF THREAD SHOULD BE: IT IS REALLY OBVIOUS WHAT TO DO)

 

I have more than once broken it off with MM only to get sucked right back in. Actually, it is so many times that neither he, I nor my friends take it seriously anymore when I say I've had enough.

 

But this time it is different.

 

I've met someone. A really nice SINGLE guy, who is sexy, smart, kind, caring, basically just what any woman would want.

 

So on a weekend away with MM, I said it was over and that I wanted to move on and get a life. That resulted in loads of messages on my phone, but I was determined that this was it.

 

I met New Guy for a drink, and he was asking about my weekend away and I tried to avoid the subject, but ended up saying there was a story to it that I would tell him at a later stage.

 

MM refused to respect NC, and caught at a weak moment, and started talking about telling his friends about our relationship and inviting me to go away with him on a weekend trip next month where we would go together with friends of his as his wife has gone away with the kids for the summer.

 

Idiot me thought what a significant gesture, he must be serious about us - until I realised that we would be going with a friend of his, who had an affair (therefor would keep his mouth shut and not rat out MM to his wife), and that I most likely would feel really uncomfortable going as the OW, knowing that everyone else would know I was the OW, and basically I would be worrying myself to death about what these people would be thinking of me being the OW.

 

So much for gestures

 

Anyways, to make a long, very boring story short. I really like this guy I have met, but every time I see him, there is a message from MM that sends me spinning. I cannot seem to break his hold over me. But I really want to. I want him out of my life. I want to have a normal relationship and I think I have a really good shot with this guy, I've met.

 

Maybe it is too soon, maybe I'm not done with MM.

 

But I can see how MM is manipulating me with his drama, empty promises or empty gestures.

 

What should I do?

[Not_That_Innocent]

(SORRY TITLE OF THREAD SHOULD BE: IT IS REALLY OBVIOUS WHAT TO DO)

 

What should I do?

 

Stop allowing him access to you. Delete his messages, don't answer your phone, don't talk to him! I know how hard it is to do, but the fact that you have met another guy should make it easier. I am currently trying to get over someone and sometimes I wish that I could find someone else so I could get my mind off of him. Consider yourself lucky that you have found that and move on. Don't let MM ruin your chances of a good relationship with a "sexy, smart, kind caring" man.

[bigblueeyes]

I really try. But everytime I pull away, MM is right there pulling me back.

 

This morning, we spent two hours on the phone and he told me how he is realising what went wrong in his marriage, how he in therapy is realising why he is with me and why he is so happy together with me.

 

All I do is ask, whether he is ready to make some difficult choices, which he isn't.

 

To make matters worse, I have missed my period and am worried I could be pregnant with MM, which is makes me dependent on him.

[broknhearted]

if you have a chance to be with a single guy you obviously like, grab him and go... MM has nothing to offer you and you have a chance at happiness now, i'm sure you know how hard it is being the OW, think of how nice it would be not having to deal with MM and his excuses.

[GreenEyedLady]

Take an early pregnancy test right away...It will tell you whether you are pregnant and then that worry will be gone...

 

As for single guy, if you like him, go out with him and don't take MM calls...Just as a warning though, you should feel rather strong about your attraction to him and how much you like him or else you'll probably be back in MM's arms when it doesn't work out...A good indicator of not liking him that much is constantly comparing him to MM and he doesn't measure up...

 

If you're really sick of being in an A, you need to end it and not go back unless he changes things that you want changed...and stick to it...or if you love him and you're willing to stay an OW, then you need to find ways to accept the way things are or you will never be happy...but the constant turmoil and back and forth really take it's toll...

[bigblueeyes]

but the constant turmoil and back and forth really take it's toll...

 

Tell me about it. My sister cannot stand me talking about MM anymore and she is usually very patient with me. Hell, I cannot stand myself anymore.

 

And yes, I will take a test.

[norajane]

I really try. But everytime I pull away, MM is right there pulling me back.

 

First, you have to see that you are allowing him to pull you back. You are giving him that option, you are making that possible, every time you listen to his messages, read his emails, or talk with him.

 

This morning, we spent two hours on the phone and he told me how he is realising what went wrong in his marriage, how he in therapy is realising why he is with me and why he is so happy together with me.

 

This is what I mean - why are you spending 2 hours on the phone with him if you've told him it's over? That's fine that he's in therapy, but until he makes a choice to end his marriage and be with you, it's just words, and YOU are acting as his therapist as well by listening to him ramble on and on about HIMSELF and HIS needs and HIS wants and HIM, HIM, HIM.

 

All I do is ask, whether he is ready to make some difficult choices, which he isn't.

 

Right - what about you?! A relationship shouldn't be all about him. It's time for you to make some difficult choices for yourself. You're the only one who can do what's best for you - he's going to do what's best for him, as he's shown you all along.

[Seen_It_All]

And yes, I will take a test.

LOL - you ask how to avoid this loser? Being pregnant with his kid is ONE way to get rid of him real fast. In fact, he'll leave skid marks.

[justagirliegirl]

LOL - you ask how to avoid this loser? Being pregnant with his kid is ONE way to get rid of him real fast. In fact, he'll leave skid marks.

 

That is what I was going to suggest.

 

If she really wants to be rid of him she should tell him she's knocked up by either him or another man. Doesn't really matter. Oh and tell him she plans to tell his wife everything if he ever contacts her again. Let's see, she could tell him she has an STD.

 

So any of those or all of the above will work.

 

I don't think she is trying too hard to get rid of him though.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

The way to stop feeling reeled in? To embrace a new relationship with someone who is single and can give you the time you deserve.

 

Single Man + Lots of dates + Undivided attention + Able to call you at anytime + excitement of a new fresh relationship = happy bigblueeyes

 

Married Man + rubbish gestures which still keep you in the shadows + divided attention + jealousy and control and no respect for your wished = unhappy bigblueeyes

[sadbuttrue]

good post je ne. bbe, i totally agree with everyone. you should definitelly pursue this single man. you have to avoid contact with MM or he WILL pull you back, that is what they do. you must be strong and not let him take advantage of you anymore. he is making no plans to be with only you. this single guy IS making himself available to you. not the other way around like with MM.

 

be happy, get out once and for all.

[whichwayisup]

Only thing is, she 'likes' the single guy and "loves" the MM.

 

Just be honest with the single guy, tell him you're FRESH out of recent relationship and you need to take things slowly. Last thing you want to do is lead on or hurt the single guy...

[bigblueeyes]

Many thanks.

 

That was exactly what I needed to hear. As if waking up crying this morning wasn't sign enough that being involved with MM sucks!!!!

 

I have been totally honest with the new guy I 've met and said I need time to recover from a messy relationship. He is very cool about it, even guessed it involved a MM, but he clearly wants a lot more than I can give him right now, so I feel like crap about even talking to him as long as MM is haunting me like an evil ghost from the past.

 

I'm seeing MM this week to discuss setting a date for D-Day and whether we should be in contact in the interim period. I really want to wait and see what he decides. On the other hand, we have been involved for a year now, and if he hasn't been able to make his mind up during that period, then why now? And why not now?

 

The thing is that as selfish as MM is, I understand where he is coming from and that the situation isn't straightforward. He had resigned himself to living in a marriage void of intimacy, passion, and emotional connection until he met me.

 

So unlike some other men, who know that the marriage is bad and that they want out, he knew something was missing, but had accepted it.

 

He is in marriage counselling now and individual therapy and is realising as I said that he met me for a reason and that his relationship with me is offering him so much more than what he gets from his marriage.

 

Just so you know, this is not a Wednesday afternoon, backseat of the car affair. He and I practically lived together for four months when we first met as our respective partners lived in different cities from us. On weekends, we would go back home until to be back together Monday to Friday.

 

We sometimes joke that if I hadn't left for a job somewhere else, maybe this would have been resolved much quicker, because we would have continued to be together every day.

 

However, as it has been pointed out, it is also true that it is all about HIM. And that he in the course of the last year has done nothing to satisfy my needs, done nothing to try to meet my needs, and is still far from doing anything for me.

 

As I said, it is obvious what to do, but then again it is not. If it was I wouldn't start my day crying and I wouldn't be here, now would I

[NearlyThere]

Many thanks.

 

That was exactly what I needed to hear. As if waking up crying this morning wasn't sign enough that being involved with MM sucks!!!!

 

I have been totally honest with the new guy I 've met and said I need time to recover from a messy relationship. He is very cool about it, even guessed it involved a MM, but he clearly wants a lot more than I can give him right now, so I feel like crap about even talking to him as long as MM is haunting me like an evil ghost from the past.

 

I'm seeing MM this week to discuss setting a date for D-Day and whether we should be in contact in the interim period. I really want to wait and see what he decides. On the other hand, we have been involved for a year now, and if he hasn't been able to make his mind up during that period, then why now? And why not now?

 

The thing is that as selfish as MM is, I understand where he is coming from and that the situation isn't straightforward. He had resigned himself to living in a marriage void of intimacy, passion, and emotional connection until he met me.

 

So unlike some other men, who know that the marriage is bad and that they want out, he knew something was missing, but had accepted it.

 

He is in marriage counselling now and individual therapy and is realising as I said that he met me for a reason and that his relationship with me is offering him so much more than what he gets from his marriage.

 

Just so you know, this is not a Wednesday afternoon, backseat of the car affair. He and I practically lived together for four months when we first met as our respective partners lived in different cities from us. On weekends, we would go back home until to be back together Monday to Friday.

 

We sometimes joke that if I hadn't left for a job somewhere else, maybe this would have been resolved much quicker, because we would have continued to be together every day.

 

However, as it has been pointed out, it is also true that it is all about HIM. And that he in the course of the last year has done nothing to satisfy my needs, done nothing to try to meet my needs, and is still far from doing anything for me.

 

As I said, it is obvious what to do, but then again it is not. If it was I wouldn't start my day crying and I wouldn't be here, now would I

 

Hi BBE

 

I just wanted to say, I feel for you really, your right it sucks BIG time, I know and understand exactly what your saying and feeling. Your with a person that makes you very happy but the R makes you unhappy, the scales on mine are gradually tipping more towards the unhappy. I was trying to get this huge pile of ironing done today and my eyes kept filling with tears and then me berating myself saying stop being so pathetic, pull yourself together woman.

 

Its all very well when its obvious what to do but its the following thru thats the difficult bit. I had this convo last week with MM and we said we both know what the right thing is to do but neither of us want to take that final step and say goodbye, I just cant imagine never seeing him or speaking to him again, however, that is what I am going to have to do as he is the one who has still resigned himself to staying in a M void of intimacy, passion, and emotional connection, like yours had.

 

Good luck to you this week with your meeting with him, I hope you get some kind of firm decision from him either way as I think thats what you need. If he is not going to leave tell him to be upfront, if he is, tell him you want a firm date. If he says the first one you have your answer, the second one, then tell him only then will you consider taking up with him again. Either answer you can continue to see SG. If your really want to be shot of MM's control over you why not change your mobile number, it might give you a piece of clear head thinking time.

 

NT

[bigblueeyes]

NT,

 

many thanks for your reply. I do hope I might get closer to some answers when I see MM this week, but I doubt I will get any.

 

Part of me wants to tell him to go to hell and take all his problems with him. Another part wants to stay and help him get through this experience. His life has really been turned upside down from meeting me and he has been on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

He has changed so much in the year I have known him. He was so uptight and had so many feelings bottled up, so many dreams he did not dare to speak of, so much passion and excitement about life that was held back.

 

It is not easy when something happens in your life and you are forced to question everything you are and everything you have in your life.

 

I know this may sound really silly, but I just want him to be happy and if that means staying with is wife and working on their marriage, then so be it.

 

And truth be told, he is not a bad guy. He is a really good guy, whose life is just pretty ****ed up in part because I happened to appear in it. At times, I think he is weak and pathetic for being so confused, but I cannot blame him. I would probably be institutionalised by now if I was him.

 

You may ask, where am I in all of this? And I sometimes wonder as well.

But he has given me something that I desperately needed when I met him. When we meet I was in a very unhappy relationship with a man, who didn't accept me for who I was, who made me feel unattractive and unwanted.

 

MM made me feel like a woman again after 5 years of unhappiness and I will always feel grateful for that. He gave mne back my belief in myself as a smart, attractive and desireable woman. And hell, that is really important to me.

 

The problem is of course that at the end of the day, I am always left wanting more in my relationship with him, and that is no good. And then there's the implicit rejection and all the other crap that goes with being the OW and wanting to be with MM.

 

Sorry, if this is a bit of a rant, but as said, these things are never straight forward.

[Mistaken Identity]

Have you been honest with the OM and told him you met someone else? Why can't you keep seeing the single guy? You may not feel great about it, but that could change tomorrow. Why take a chance on losing a guy that's everything a woman could ask for? Also, I don't see why you think it was a significant gesture that your OM invited you on a trip while his wife is out of town. You're grateful that he's willing to sneak away with you? I would think a significant gesture would be a divorce. You're not thinking clearly. You need to think long-term.

[bigblueeyes]

MI,

 

I think I made it clear in my post that I saw through his not so significant gesture

 

And I agree, I should be thinking long-term, but that could also mean that I should stick to MM and help him through this situation for the sake of our future together.

 

No, I haven't told him about the New Guy, because I fear that would force MM to make decisions. And a forced decision is never a good one.

 

If you asked me right now, I would probably do the most stupid thing and stop things with New Guy before it gets serious.

 

But as another posted pointed out, while I like New Guy, I am still head over heels in love with MM and I guess that is all it boils down to.

[NearlyThere]

NT,

 

Part of me wants to tell him to go to hell and take all his problems with him. Another part wants to stay and help him get through this experience. His life has really been turned upside down from meeting me and he has been on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

He has changed so much in the year I have known him. He was so uptight and had so many feelings bottled up, so many dreams he did not dare to speak of, so much passion and excitement about life that was held back.

 

It is not easy when something happens in your life and you are forced to question everything you are and everything you have in your life.

 

I know this may sound really silly, but I just want him to be happy and if that means staying with is wife and working on their marriage, then so be it.

 

And truth be told, he is not a bad guy. He is a really good guy, whose life is just pretty ****ed up in part because I happened to appear in it. At times, I think he is weak and pathetic for being so confused, but I cannot blame him. I would probably be institutionalised by now if I was him.

 

You may ask, where am I in all of this? And I sometimes wonder as well.

But he has given me something that I desperately needed when I met him. When we meet I was in a very unhappy relationship with a man, who didn't accept me for who I was, who made me feel unattractive and unwanted.

 

MM made me feel like a woman again after 5 years of unhappiness and I will always feel grateful for that. He gave mne back my belief in myself as a smart, attractive and desireable woman. And hell, that is really important to me.

 

The problem is of course that at the end of the day, I am always left wanting more in my relationship with him, and that is no good. And then there's the implicit rejection and all the other crap that goes with being the OW and wanting to be with MM.

 

Sorry, if this is a bit of a rant, but as said, these things are never straight forward.

 

You know to all of your statements above, I can say, snap, exactly the same word for word.

 

Your right it is not straight forward there are so many feelings and emotions all tangled that are very hard to separate. I can still remember that feeling of having this incredible connection with him, and it cant have been only because of my situation in a crap R, because I talk people continually in my line of work, day after day, and suddenly bam there he was. I dont believe in soul mates, but I do believe there are certain people you meet in life who click with instantly and form a close bond with. I think this can happen with women except they become close friends. He made me feel like Scarlett O'Hara, I joke with him, when he kissed me for the first time, he literally swept me into his arms. I dont know if I will ever come accross another person like him to make me feel that way, its taken me 40 plus years to find one. lol. Hence i'm finding it so difficult to extricate myself.

 

NT

[norajane]

If you asked me right now, I would probably do the most stupid thing and stop things with New Guy before it gets serious.

 

But as another posted pointed out, while I like New Guy, I am still head over heels in love with MM and I guess that is all it boils down to.

 

Well, you weren't head over heels with MM right away. It took a lot of time and energy for you to get where you are with him, to be so invested in this relationship, to be so head over heels you would put your life and your future on hold for him.

 

So, maybe, if you give New Guy the same kind of energy and time, you'd be head over heels for him at some point, too. But you'll never know if you continue to devote so much energy to MM.

 

You may ask, where am I in all of this? And I sometimes wonder as well.

But he has given me something that I desperately needed when I met him. When we meet I was in a very unhappy relationship with a man, who didn't accept me for who I was, who made me feel unattractive and unwanted.

 

MM made me feel like a woman again after 5 years of unhappiness and I will always feel grateful for that. He gave mne back my belief in myself as a smart, attractive and desireable woman. And hell, that is really important to me.

 

Maybe MM helped you find yourself as a woman again, but now his role in your life is done. Maybe New Guy is here to give you something you desperately need - to help you get out of this destructive affair relationship and find yourself as a person who deserves a whole man, not a part time one.

[bigblueeyes]

Norajane,

 

I have thought a lot about what you say about where I was when I met MM. I was in a different country, alone and miserable with a BF far away and a long-distance relationship that wasn't very happy.

 

It is also true that I perhaps did not immediately recognise my feelings for MM. But they were there from the start BIG TIME. Another joke between us, is that it was there from the beginning and we should have seen it coming that fateful night when we looked at each other and a bolt of lightening hit us both, which was 6 weeks after we met the first time.

 

I hated the city I was living in and my job, even if I did have MM, which is why I after a year moved back as single to the town where I lived with my BF. I have a much better job, a great apartment, wonderful friends and am in a truly happy place.

 

So why keep up the relationship with MM? Well, read NT's post and you will understand why.

 

I have never felt like this with another man. We connect in a completely different way than I have ever done with anyone else and the fit is just so good. We have a lot in common and what we don't have in common, compliments what we have individually.

 

And while there is misery, it is the affair and the whole situation that is miserable, not what he and I feel for each other.

[bigblueeyes]

Okay, your input is really needed now.

 

As you can read from this thread, I tried to end with MM, only to get sucked back in. How did he do it?

 

By sending me a text this weekend that he was being thrown out by his wife late at night. I didn't see until the next morning, immediately texted him to ask if he was okay. He said yes, apologised for the drama, which I have told him was getting too much for me, and that he was still at his house.

 

I told him it was drama to send a text about leaving his home when he didn't and that we could talk about it later. We spent two hours on the phone, talking about his situation, how he feels about me and us, his wife and his marriage, I gave him my two cents and that was that.

 

So today, he sends me a message saying that he and his wife are talking all day about what to do next. I don't hear anything from him until now, when all I get is a message about trivialities from his day and that he will call me tomorrow!!????!!!

 

Now, I know I told him no drama, but I do expect him to let me know how he is doing, especially when I know things are rough for him.

 

Instead I get blah blah, and it made me think, maybe he knows he has me back where he wants me to be, waiting by the phone, thinking of him all day.

 

IS HE MANIPULATING ME OR AM I JUST BEING PARANOID??

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Okay, your input is really needed now.

 

As you can read from this thread, I tried to end with MM, only to get sucked back in. How did he do it?

 

By sending me a text this weekend that he was being thrown out by his wife late at night. I didn't see until the next morning, immediately texted him to ask if he was okay. He said yes, apologised for the drama, which I have told him was getting too much for me, and that he was still at his house.

 

I told him it was drama to send a text about leaving his home when he didn't and that we could talk about it later. We spent two hours on the phone, talking about his situation, how he feels about me and us, his wife and his marriage, I gave him my two cents and that was that.

 

So today, he sends me a message saying that he and his wife are talking all day about what to do next. I don't hear anything from him until now, when all I get is a message about trivialities from his day and that he will call me tomorrow!!????!!!

 

Now, I know I told him no drama, but I do expect him to let me know how he is doing, especially when I know things are rough for him.

 

Instead I get blah blah, and it made me think, maybe he knows he has me back where he wants me to be, waiting by the phone, thinking of him all day.

 

IS HE MANIPULATING ME OR AM I JUST BEING PARANOID??

 

It sounds like he is manipulating you. He's creating drama to reel you back in, check that he's okay etc. Then, he cant sustain the drama so he has to say that some sort of "talk" will occur. But then he cant go into details about the "talk" because the talk most likely either never happened or ended with a positive conclusion (positive for him and his W, but not positive for you).

 

I feel really frustrated for you, the SG must be looking a lot more attractive now...

[GreenEyedLady]

It looks as if he is not going to leave his W ever...all this back and forth and having "talks" etc. where is it really leading to? A back and forth between the two women in his life...

 

I think that you should tell him that you've met "someone" and you're going to pursue it as you are tired of his indecision and drama...

 

Then see what he says...

[bigblueeyes]

GEL,

 

but if I say I've met someone else just to see how he reacts, am I not then being just as manipulative as MM?

 

To be honest, I must admit that me "trying to leave" MM in the past may be have been my way of subconciously manipulating him to take action and as a result he has manipulated me right back with different acts from his side.

 

I don't even think he is aware that it is manipulation, as I haven't been in the past.

 

But now that it is starting to become a pattern in our already not to healthy relationship, it has made me think and made me realised what I saw as drama is in fact manipulation and it has to stop.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL,

 

but if I say I've met someone else just to see how he reacts, am I not then being just as manipulative as MM?

 

To be honest, I must admit that me "trying to leave" MM in the past may be have been my way of subconciously manipulating him to take action and as a result he has manipulated me right back with different acts from his side.

 

I don't even think he is aware that it is manipulation, as I haven't been in the past.

 

But now that it is starting to become a pattern in our already not to healthy relationship, it has made me think and made me realised what I saw as drama is in fact manipulation and it has to stop.

 

How is it manipulative? You are thinking about going out with SG are you not? Or did I misunderstand?

 

And I think you two need a break period...Your MM needs to know that you mean business and that you are UNHAPPY with the current situation...

 

If you're sick of the situation, you need to change it...