SummerBreeze Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Hi, and thanks for reading my post. I'm hoping to get some feedback on my situation as I can't seem to figure out what to do at this point. I've been married for 6 1/2yrs. We have 2 kids together, ages 5 and 2 1/2. Without going into too much background, the gist of the story is that I'm not in love with him anymore because he doesn't (or can't) meet my emotional needs. We don't communicate. We don't spend one-on-one time together. We don't share interests or hobbies. We don't have a lot in common, etc (Not for lack of trying on my part) As a result I feel lonely, neglected and bitter a lot of the time. You may ask why we got married in the first place and to be honest I've been wondering the same thing. We loved each other but our relationship was never that strong. We fought a lot. It was a classic case of opposites attracting. But I expected it to get better once we were out on our own and had more time alone together...how naive of me (I was 22). Fast forward to now. Despite the lack of romantic love, we get along fairly well and are both great parents but we're basically like brother and sister at this point. We haven't had sex in 4 months because I'm so bitter that he doesn't do anything to bring us closer and I'm tired of doing all the work. This has been an issue for a long time and my husband knows it bothers me but doesn't seem to care much. He's a workaholic and spends an great deal of energy on his business. I see the focus and dedication he has when it comes to work and I've got mixed feelings about it. It's almost like the business is the 'other woman' in his life. Everything else comes second. I've spoken to him numerous times over the years about how I feel, most recently about a month ago. I told him I could feel myself becoming indifferent towards him and it scared me. I said we needed to spend more time together, with no interruptions. No killing two birds with one stone (he thinks going to Costco for groceries without the kids is quality time). He agreed. His response was "we can work it out". But he hasn't done anything to show me he's trying or to suggest a plan of how we're going to do this. He's actually acting like nothing's wrong again and it's driving me crazy. I'm sick of being neglected. I've done everything I can think of to build the connection between us over the years - reading marriage help books, printing off pages from the internet to show him, planning dinners/outtings/activities, buying lingerie to spice up our sex life, etc, etc, etc. He does nothing. I know he loves me, but knowing's just not enough anymore. This type of a marriage may be ok for him, but it's killing me. To complicated things even more I recently found evidence on his computer that he may have a membership to Ashley Madison (a dating site for attached adults). I don't think he's physically cheating, but there could be some cyber-"whatever" going on. I installed a key-logger on his computer so I'll find out soon enough. Bad, I know, but this isn't the first time I've found strange pictures, erotic stories and curious things on there. Not "professional" porn pictures....pics of regular women. Some clothed. Some topless. Definitely from a dating site or something. The first time I found things he denied everything. It was obvious he was hiding something but I was so shocked I just dropped it. I didn't want to deal with it at the time. This time, I wasn't shocked at all...surprisingly I didn't really care. So anyway...I'm at a point now where I really feel like I need to make a decision about the rest of my life. I'm only 29 years old. I honestly don't think my husband will change at this point and I can't compromise my needs anymore. So do I stay in this unfufilling relationship for the next 50 years just because of the kids, guilt, fear or failure, fear of what people with think, fear of losing security? All I want is a meaningful relationship. Or........ do I want to roll the dice, go out on my own with the kids and try to live a more authentic life with someone who can appreciate me, find me interesting and who values our relationship enough to want to invest time in it? Does that make me selfish if I do?
notspiritual Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 We haven't had sex in 4 months because I'm so bitter that he doesn't do anything to bring us closer and I'm tired of doing all the work.Are you punishing him by withdrawing sex? You say he doesn’t meet your emotional needs but it seems that you also do not meet his needs.
sumdude Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Sometimes it only takes one person to break the cycle. Over time the other might actually take notice and make adjustments. Takes tine and patience and a consitent change in behavior.
polywog Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Sometimes it only takes one person to break the cycle. Over time the other might actually take notice and make adjustments. Takes tine and patience and a consitent change in behavior. This is true... It sounds to me like your husband is clueless over how to be your partner. It sounds to me like he wants to make it work, but just doesn't know what steps to take. How about marriage counselling? Or taking a look at marriagebuilders.com (Not sure I got this right). I can understand why you are frustrated, but it sounds like your husband needs lessons in how to be a good husband/spouse. Just my thoughts.
mammax3 Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I agree. Marriages go up and down they cycle through 'easy' times and hard times. Part of what will make a marriage/relationship successful is toughing out these hard times. I think marriage counselling or marriagebuilders.com are great resources. I don't think your husband knows how serious you are, nor what he can do to make the changes you need. Men really need to be told what to do and how to do it until they can anticipate your needs - and there's a lot of repetition involved (that's a huge generalization, I know now.)... I know you're close to the end of your rope, but I'd give it some more chances, if I were you.
sumdude Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I think marriage counselling or marriagebuilders.com are great resources. I don't think your husband knows how serious you are, nor what he can do to make the changes you need. Men really need to be told what to do and how to do it until they can anticipate your needs - and there's a lot of repetition involved (that's a huge generalization, I know now.)... I so agree with this. I didn't know just how serious my wife was until she actually left me without warning. After which I tried everything but too late. She sent up smoke signals, flares and all sorts of other messages. But I don't have a copy of the 'Women's guide to non direct communication." We guys literally need you to tell us in no uncertain terms what we're dealing with. Just tell him how you feel.... Don't use statements like YOU never .... You always. Don't attack, try to explain instead. Just say I feel like _____ because _____ and if things don't change I will ______ .
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I agree ~ I didn't have a freaking clue ~ until she walked out and handed me my azz as she was leaving!
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Are you punishing him by withdrawing sex? You say he doesn’t meet your emotional needs but it seems that you also do not meet his needs. I'm not withdrawing it intentionally. He doesn't ask and I don't offer. It's very hard to get in the mood with a person who you consider more of a brother than a lover...especially when he does nothing to try and get me in the mood.
Author SummerBreeze Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 I so agree with this. I didn't know just how serious my wife was until she actually left me without warning. After which I tried everything but too late. She sent up smoke signals, flares and all sorts of other messages. But I don't have a copy of the 'Women's guide to non direct communication." We guys literally need you to tell us in no uncertain terms what we're dealing with. Just tell him how you feel.... Don't use statements like YOU never .... You always. Don't attack, try to explain instead. Just say I feel like _____ because _____ and if things don't change I will ______ . But I've done that. Short of drawing up flow charts and graphs...I've been pretty specific in telling him what I need and what will happen if I don't get it. I love him, but I can't live like just a "buddy" anymore. I don't know what his problem is? I can understand him being a bit confused as to what emotional intimacy was in the beginning, but it's been YEARS now. If he really wanted to change why haven't I seen him actively reading a relationship book, seeking out counselling, or how about simply making more time for us? Ignorance is not an excuse I'll accept anymore. Counselling sounds like the next logical step for us. I just hope it's not too late.
polywog Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 But I've done that. Short of drawing up flow charts and graphs...I've been pretty specific in telling him what I need and what will happen if I don't get it. I love him, but I can't live like just a "buddy" anymore. I don't know what his problem is? I can understand him being a bit confused as to what emotional intimacy was in the beginning, but it's been YEARS now. If he really wanted to change why haven't I seen him actively reading a relationship book, seeking out counselling, or how about simply making more time for us? Ignorance is not an excuse I'll accept anymore. Counselling sounds like the next logical step for us. I just hope it's not too late. It sounds as if maybe he's just too comfortable with the way things are, maybe. It doesn't sound too late to me, since you are motivated to try it, and he doesn't want the marriage to end. Go for it, and best of luck. PS- you say you told him what you want... but I stand by my post, above, that the guy just can't figure out how to do it... needs specific instructions. Sounds wacky, I know, but some guys are just like that, need to have it spelled out.
Curmudgeon Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Counselling sounds like the next logical step for us. I just hope it's not too late. It's only too late if one or both of you has given up!
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