Would you love to tell?

[Meaplus3]

Just wondering how many OW out there would love to let the W know about your A? I so want to tell her for many reason's but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am not saying it's right, however with me telling my H about my A and having to live nextdoor to MM and wife. I think it's time to come full circle here and let full exposure be known. Imput please.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Your H should be the one to tell, not you. Or, both of you tell together. Make sure you and your H are completely on the same page about this and also show a united front if you choose to do this.

 

If you DO decide to create a D-Day for MM and his wife, just be prepared for the backlash and fallout that will happen. Either way, it's going to be very unpleasent and uncomfortable...My guess is, either you two will have to move or they will. (And, don't forget the neighbourhood gossip....)

 

Another thing, think about the effect this will have on ALL the kids. Do they deserve it????

[Lizzie60]

Just wondering how many OW out there would love to let the W know about your A? I so want to tell her for many reason's but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am not saying it's right, however with me telling my H about my A and having to live nextdoor to MM and wife. I think it's time to come full circle here and let full exposure be known. Imput please.

 

AP:)

 

from what I understand...you told your husband about your affair and now you're dying to let the W knows about her husband?

 

Why? I am sooo against 'kiss and tell'... if you want to come clean with your husband, fine...but the other couple is not your business IMO...

why hurt other people... revenge? frustration? bitterness? jealousy?

 

I, sometimes, wish the W would know that their husbands are cheating... but I certainly would never tell them...

 

and sometimes I wish they would know they are cheating with me... I know it's crazy...

[Curmudgeon]

...and sometimes I wish they would know they are cheating with me... I know it's crazy...

 

It's exciting, exhilirating and empowering to let the women know that he prefers you to them, or is at least shared by you.

 

Yeah! It's crazy too; perhaps narcissistic, ya think?

[Meaplus3]

from what I understand...you told your husband about your affair and now you're dying to let the W knows about her husband?

 

Why? I am sooo against 'kiss and tell'... if you want to come clean with your husband, fine...but the other couple is not your business IMO...

why hurt other people... revenge? frustration? bitterness? jealousy?

 

I, sometimes, wish the W would know that their husbands are cheating... but I certainly would never tell them...

 

and sometimes I wish they would know they are cheating with me... I know it's crazy...

 

Thank's for your reponse. I need to realize that from what my therapist has told me "she probably know's, and doe's not care to a certain extent." He's home with her at night and that's enough! BOY! That would not be enough for me. My H might be mean but he's not a "Skirt Chaser" so to speak. Where am I in this whole "A". just lost again, I guess.

 

AP

[serial muse]

Thank's for your reponse. I need to realize that from what my therapist has told me "she probably know's, and doe's not care to a certain extent." He's home with her at night and that's enough! BOY! That would not be enough for me. My H might be mean but he's not a "Skirt Chaser" so to speak. Where am I in this whole "A". just lost again, I guess.

 

AP

 

Whoa, gotta say, that's highly irresponsible for your therapist to say. How on Earth would s/he have any idea whether his wife "probably" knows, and whether or not she would care if she did?!?

[frannie]

Thank's for your reponse. I need to realize that from what my therapist has told me "she probably know's, and doe's not care to a certain extent." He's home with her at night and that's enough! BOY! That would not be enough for me. My H might be mean but he's not a "Skirt Chaser" so to speak. Where am I in this whole "A". just lost again, I guess.

 

AP

 

AP I'm struggling here because I don't have the best memory, but hasn't this come up before... and he's given her some line about you having inappropriate feelings for him..? Or is this completely another person's story?

 

I just don't think there's a lot to be gained (and what do you want to gain?) from it all being out in the open with them too..? Not every couple wants to have all this in their face, not every wife wants to 'know' details she'd rather not confront. I just don't see a positive outcome here if she's told. Because I kind of agree with your therapist... I get the feeling your neighbour already knows 'something' has gone on. Now if she's ok with that, and he's moving on with his mess of a marriage, and you're doing something positive (?) with yours... then what is to gain here..?

 

I suppose I'm lost as to why you want to do this, unless you're not being totally honest with yourself...?

 

Not meaning to be mean here, just questioning the reasoning..?

[sadbuttrue]

AP, i understand the wanting to tell. i did tell MM's W in a round-a-bout way. of course, it did not go very well for me, and i really dont think there would be much good to come of it.

 

you are done with him? i think you should let them get on with their lives without further involving yourself.

 

just wanted to say that i do understand the wanting to tell feeling though i think W's should know what their H's are doing behind their backs, but some either dont want to know or dont really care when they do find out. the H's are usually good at turning things around to make it sound like you are the crazy deranged woman that has been chasing him and he is totally innocent. just something to think about.

[Meaplus3]

AP I'm struggling here because I don't have the best memory, but hasn't this come up before... and he's given her some line about you having inappropriate feelings for him..? Or is this completely another person's story?

 

I just don't think there's a lot to be gained (and what do you want to gain?) from it all being out in the open with them too..? Not every couple wants to have all this in their face, not every wife wants to 'know' details she'd rather not confront. I just don't see a positive outcome here if she's told. Because I kind of agree with your therapist... I get the feeling your neighbour already knows 'something' has gone on. Now if she's ok with that, and he's moving on with his mess of a marriage, and you're doing something positive (?) with yours... then what is to gain here..?

 

I suppose I'm lost as to why you want to do this, unless you're not being totally honest with yourself...?

 

Not meaning to be mean here, just questioning the reasoning..?

 

Hi Frannie, Thank's for your imput. Back in mid Dec when the "Blow Up" between MM and I occured I had threated then to tell his wife everything, but didn't, that's when MM told me he told his W that I had "inappropriate" feeling's for him". Two weeks later we all were at a Christmas party together and MM's wife was chating with me like I was her best friend. Now if you were a woman who has just been told by your H about the girl nextdoor having those feeling's whould you be so sweet, kind and chaty with her? I don't think so. So, I know he probably lied to me when he said that. If he did say that to her, that makes it look like I am the guilty one here, and he did not a thing wrong, that's my struggle because I think that's such BS and for me to look like the "ea" was all my fault is a very hard pill to swallow when you have to reside directly nextdoor to someone. W is the type that makes everything look so peachy. She's not the type to ever show that she is sad or unhappy. It's like the two of them put on this "act" to show everyone and make everyone around them look like their Marriage is so perfect, I am not the only one that has noticed this other neighbor's have made comment's about them. I guess I should just realize that I know the truth about their R and leave it at that. I should let her find out some where along the line that her husband is less than faithful to her, because I am sure he will do this again and perhap's will be caught. As I have said many times before I wish I had never become involved, but it's far to late for that. Just expressing my feeling's.

 

AP:)

BTW- I am doing much better over all, but some day's I back slide and those day's are far less than what they used to be.

[justagirliegirl]

What I can't understand is why not tell? The sneaky rat gets his butt covered always.

 

Not that I am ever stupid enough to have an affair but if I were stupid, I most certainly would tell. It would be funny.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, neither an OW or OW even consider telling while the affair is hot and heavy, but as soon as it ends and people want to tell.

 

If anything, AP's husband should be the one to tell MM's wife. Otherwise if she tells, it's all based on revenge and payback.

 

Not that I am ever stupid enough to have an affair but if I were stupid, I most certainly would tell. It would be funny.

 

It wouldn't be funny to the betrayed spouse, or to their kids. Sorry, I don't find the humour in it at all.

[dignityback]

WWIU is right.

When the affair is newish and things are hunky dory, then the last thing on the OW's mind is telling the bs. That would most probably ruin things for the OW.

 

When/if it all ends in tears then some OW think "why should that bast**d xmm get away with it and resume his happily married life while I am suffering. I'll show him".

 

DON'T TELL. It is an act of revenge and if she already has an inkling she might well think that her husband is well shot of a vinictive person like you.

If there are children, they may get embroiled in the aftermath and why should thy suffer?

All OP are the outsiders in the relationship and should leave it as quietly as they entered it (by the back door). At least you get to keep your dignity.

[justagirliegirl]

I guess those are the consequences of him not keeping his pee pee at home where it belongs.

 

Why is everyone so moral and concerned about the BS and her kids if they have any after the fact? Neither one was concerned during the affair were they. Now all of a sudden it would be mean and vindictive to tell? Hogwash. Not any meaner than getting involved with a married person in the first place. If he/she knew then they could make an informed choice on that they want to do.

[Meaplus3]

The thing is, neither an OW or OW even consider telling while the affair is hot and heavy, but as soon as it ends and people want to tell.

 

If anything, AP's husband should be the one to tell MM's wife. Otherwise if she tells, it's all based on revenge and payback.

 

 

 

It wouldn't be funny to the betrayed spouse, or to their kids. Sorry, I don't find the humour in it at all.

 

Whichway, I do agree that if telling takes place it should come from my H. If it were to come from me it would very much look like a payback. I am sure we will just let it all slide and keep it quiet, however I can't help but wonder how she would react if she knew just how the "Perfect" little husband in her eyes, was acting behind her back. Watching her put on the "Our life is so perfect" facade really does eat at me inside. If she only new how dishonest he really is. Perhap's one day it will all come out in a round about way. Who know's, guess I should not dwell on it.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

AP, the best revenge is to fix your marriage and build upon that. Be happy that the MM isn't in your life anymore....Living well and being with those who really do love and care for you. Your family!!!

 

WHO cares about the MM and what happens to him!! He'll get his own one day, don't worry about that. Karma has a way of making an appearance when one least expects it!

 

So, BE the bigger person and move on, don't look back. What goes on between MM and his wife really isn't your business. Just know that you have moved past it. Make sense?

[Seen_It_All]

Now if you were a woman who has just been told by your H about the girl nextdoor having those feeling's whould you be so sweet, kind and chaty with her?

Answer, it could quite possibly be her attempt at that old saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I could see a wife attempting to befriend someone she feels is a threat, perhaps in an effort to make friends with you so you might re-think pursuing her husband now that you're 'buddies.' It might be a very subtle form of manipulation on her part.

 

Can't say I'm surprised that good old MM lied his a*ss off to his wife and made YOU look like the bad person. Why am I not surprised about that? Oh yea, because they ALL do it, pathetic little ball-less weasels that they are. He's also pretty stupid. If he DID tell his wife that YOU'RE pursuing him, why on EARTH would he admit that to you? If he really DID tell her that, why admit it to you and make you feel bad? And if he didn't tell her anything, a better lie to have told YOU would have been, "I admitted to my wife that we flirted inappropriately a few times, but that was it, I swear!"

 

These guys are dumber than dirt. I guess that's what happens when you're not thinking with your big head.

[Meaplus3]

AP, the best revenge is to fix your marriage and build upon that. Be happy that the MM isn't in your life anymore....Living well and being with those who really do love and care for you. Your family!!!

 

WHO cares about the MM and what happens to him!! He'll get his own one day, don't worry about that. Karma has a way of making an appearance when one least expects it!

 

So, BE the bigger person and move on, don't look back. What goes on between MM and his wife really isn't your business. Just know that you have moved past it. Make sense?

 

Whichway, I hope I can fix my marriage. I have been in therapy for month's now and H has started one on one session's. I think it's time we try joint counseling and see if that will help. Someday's I feel so lost and alone. Running to MM like I did with problem's in my marriage was just about the worst thing I could have done. I was not in this "A" for kick's, I was hurting and needed someone's support, that's why I think my A started. Do you realize how hard it is for me to see that MM used me for the purpose of his personal entertainment, and now I get to sit back and watch him in his so called "Happy Life". It's suck's and it hurt's to think I allowed myself to sink so low. This MM really fooled me that he "Cared". I am a sensitive person and alway's try to see the good in people. Call me gullable if you will. Sorry to ramble on.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Answer, it could quite possibly be her attempt at that old saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I could see a wife attempting to befriend someone she feels is a threat, perhaps in an effort to make friends with you so you might re-think pursuing her husband now that you're 'buddies.' It might be a very subtle form of manipulation on her part.

 

Can't say I'm surprised that good old MM lied his a*ss off to his wife and made YOU look like the bad person. Why am I not surprised about that? Oh yea, because they ALL do it, pathetic little ball-less weasels that they are. He's also pretty stupid. If he DID tell his wife that YOU'RE pursuing him, why on EARTH would he admit that to you? If he really DID tell her that, why admit it to you and make you feel bad? And if he didn't tell her anything, a better lie to have told YOU would have been, "I admitted to my wife that we flirted inappropriately a few times, but that was it, I swear!"

 

These guys are dumber than dirt. I guess that's what happens when you're not thinking with your big head.

 

Seen it all, I just re-read what you posted here and you might be very right . Suppose she does know a thing or two about the A. If that's the case by continuing to be nice to me would send a message that I am NO threat to her. If she were to all of a sudden not be nice than that would be a sign that I am a "threat to her marriage" and it would look like I got the best of her. And YES, I too believe that these married men are pretty much all dumber than dirt, LOL!

 

AP:)

[mopar crazy]

Personally, I would want to know but I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW unless I was the one that confronted her. Which I did, and she lied every single time I spoke to her. H said he lied b/c he wanted to protect my feelings. I think OW lied b/c she knew H didn't want me to know and if she would of spilled the beans she would of probably pissed off H so much he would of broke it off. I know she wasn't going to risk letting that happen, not after she had finally got him where she wanted him after three years of trying.

 

 

If you want to tell the BW just to hurt her then that is the wrong reason to tell. If you feel the need to tell her, do it anonymously.

[lessonlearnt]

What I can't understand is why not tell? The sneaky rat gets his butt covered always.

 

Not that I am ever stupid enough to have an affair but if I were stupid, I most certainly would tell. It would be funny.

 

 

And you would think it "funny" would you if the bs harmed herself. You need to grow up.

 

I know of an OM who thought it was OK to tell his MW's husband in order to force a decision.

Two days later the husband was found swinging from the apple tree at the end of the garden. The wife wanted nothing to do with the OM and the kids are completely messed up.

Still find it amusing do you???

[GregsBad]

. I am a sensitive person and alway's try to see the good in people. Call me gullable if you will. Sorry to ramble on.

 

AP:)

 

Not from anything you've written in this thread! I see you building a case against MM's wife. Where's the good you see in her? Listen to what you're cooking up against her. You've figured out her motives for shining things on. You've got your mental green light to rat on him, you're husband will do it for you - apparently because that's gonna look better than if YOU do it? All you need now is a good enough reason to do it to her.

 

You've given no sign that you want to help her in any way.

See the good in everybody??? You're telling us that, but why?

 

Look - you did what you did. As evil as your MM was, you consented.

You are going to deal with it - You confessed? Good. I admire that.

But now you're itching to be a neighborhood moral cop?

 

So far - everthing you write is revealing an agenda of your own.

 

Why not work out your own problems, and leave MM and his wife to theirs. You're not qualified nor righteous enough to decide that they have to do or know anything.

 

Nobody likes a perfect person deciding how others must think and act.

Nobody likes an imperfect person doing it either.

 

Please - just leave them alone - take care of yourself.

[GregsBad]

And you would think it "funny" would you if the bs harmed herself. You need to grow up.

 

I know of an OM who thought it was OK to tell his MW's husband in order to force a decision.

Two days later the husband was found swinging from the apple tree at the end of the garden. The wife wanted nothing to do with the OM and the kids are completely messed up.

Still find it amusing do you???

 

LL is making a good point here.

 

You have no idea of how you can screw things up.

Much MORE damage on top of what you already did with the affair.

 

I think it's sick to be obsessing over letting the MM's wife know.

I think it's sick that one of your responders suggested to do it anonymously.

[Meaplus3]

Not from anything you've written in this thread! I see you building a case against MM's wife. Where's the good you see in her? Listen to what you're cooking up against her. You've figured out her motives for shining things on. You've got your mental green light to rat on him, you're husband will do it for you - apparently because that's gonna look better than if YOU do it? All you need now is a good enough reason to do it to her.

 

You've given no sign that you want to help her in any way.

See the good in everybody??? You're telling us that, but why?

 

Look - you did what you did. As evil as your MM was, you consented.

You are going to deal with it - You confessed? Good. I admire that.

But now you're itching to be a neighborhood moral cop?

 

So far - everthing you write is revealing an agenda of your own.

 

Why not work out your own problems, and leave MM and his wife to theirs. You're not qualified nor righteous enough to decide that they have to do or know anything.

 

Nobody likes a perfect person deciding how others must think and act.

Nobody likes an imperfect person doing it either.

 

Please - just leave them alone - take care of yourself.

 

First of all why on earth would I see the good side of her after the thing's that MM has told me about her? Second, Mental agenda? The only mental agenda I have is to continue to explore all my feeling's from the aftermath of my A. Many here on LS has been of great help to me for many reason's and I am thankful to have found this site to share my feeling's regardless of how silly they may sound. I don't see how a post like this is helpful or constructive in any way.

 

AP:)

[Hugh_950]

First of all why on earth would I see the good side of her after the thing's that MM has told me about her?

 

Second, Mental agenda? The only mental agenda I have is to continue to explore all my feeling's from the aftermath of my A.

AP:)

 

But you did say that you try to see the good in everyone.

Can you really trust your MM's version of his wife?

Can you trust ANYTHING he says?

 

Exploring you feelings from the aftermath and healing will not be helped in anyway by telling her about the affair.

[GregsBad]

First of all why on earth would I see the good side of her after the thing's that MM has told me about her? Second, Mental agenda? The only mental agenda I have is to continue to explore all my feeling's from the aftermath of my A. Many here on LS has been of great help to me for many reason's and I am thankful to have found this site to share my feeling's regardless of how silly they may sound. I don't see how a post like this is helpful or constructive in any way.

 

AP:)

 

You can't trust him with what he says about her.

 

I'm trying to help you too.

You asked for opinions on telling the wife that you had an affair with her husband. I gave you mine.

 

I think you'll do more damage - beyond what you've already done.

 

I don't mean to be rude and I'm speaking from the POV of a man who has deeply hurt another betrayed man. My understanding that he was an a**hole, did not make what I did OK.

 

I stil say LL made a good point above.

It's hard to ignore what she said?