Ruby Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Ok I am going to make this as short as possible! I have been dating a guy for nearly a year ... It is a serious relationship and we see alot of each other. He has met my child and they get on great and my child sees as much of him as I do. I have 2 problems 1. When he has his kids every other weekend I get thrown out like yesterdays rubbish. Me and my child are not included in his plans and i have yet to get to know his youngest son (age 5) as he thinks he is too young to meet me and spend time with me as it may upset him! I know this is not the case as I have seen him 3 times (for a total of 5 minutes) and he was fine every time. 2. I have fallen out of work and for the first time I am so broke. He keeps asking if I need any money and I say no even though I dont have any money at all after bills and food. If it was me I wouldnt ASK. as it is like asking someone who has told you they have not eaten for a week if they are hungry! I will not begger myself to him or to anyone but if he needed money (as he has in the past) I would not ask him I would just hand him money. He comes and eats here often enough and even though I dont expect him to give me money I would help him if he needed it and I have in the past. I am so angry woith him right now as I feel like he is tramping me off - He knows I have the hump and he is on the phone telling me he spent loads on betting and blah blah blah - Its like he is rubbing it in my face! What do you guys think?
curiousnycgirl Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I don't know what to say about #1 - so I'll leave that for others. As far as #2 goes - you are expecting him to be you, but he's not you. Men do not do things the same way women do. To some degree men need solid direction/facts (no intent to insult the guys) - women will think they see a need, and meet that need - men need confirmation before they will do so. The need is met in either scenario - one saves more face than the other, however the results are the same. If he offers you assistance, and you do not take it - then you have no right to be angry with him. I completely understand position here, and I've often been angry with my own b/f for similar things, but as an outsider looking at this with an unbiased view, I am able to be rationale and say what I've said above. Good luck!!!!
Author Ruby Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I know what you are saying but he knows me, I am proud and would not ask for help ... he knows I nee3d money and yet I feel as if he wants me to beg for it, I wonder if it is a control issue?
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Ruby, I think you are expecting too much from this guy. He has asked you if you need money (that's sweet and kind, I think) and you have said "No". He is taking you at your word, and you are wanting him to read between the lines. I'm not blaming you, I'm just pointing out how it looks to me. As for his child, maybe he has just compartmentalized his time with his child in some (sorry guys) very male way. Maybe he has had some "rules", or maybe he and his ex spouse have some rules about introducing their kids to new partners. Have you ever told him that you'd love to get to know his child, and that you feel left out, in a non-confrontational way to hear him out? Maybe he has never thought about it, and does not know the depths of your feelings on this matter. Don't harbor anger, give the guy a chance and communicate with him in a way that you can hear each other out, not bickering or accusations.
Author Ruby Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I agree with what you say BUT I feel like he is asking me a stupid question when he KNOWS the answer! If you told me you didnt have any money I wouldnt sak 'do you need money? do you have money?' I am very proud and have always been self sufficiant and I would NEVER make him feel like a begger! Regarding his son I have told him exactly how I feel - I have even told him i feel like he is 100% in my life and my childs and yet I feel he does not think I am good enough to be in HIS sons life! He told me he does not see it like that and that he just does not want to upset him! This guy has asked me to marry him yet he wont let me meet his son?
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I agree with what you say BUT I feel like he is asking me a stupid question when he KNOWS the answer! If you told me you didnt have any money I wouldnt sak 'do you need money? do you have money?' I am very proud and have always been self sufficiant and I would NEVER make him feel like a begger! OK, it sounds like he should be saying "I know you're broke and I want to offer you some of my money" Instead of asking if you need money, which you obviously do. I think he sounds like he doesn't know how to appraoch it, and the question is pushing your buttons. A miscommunication. Regarding his son I have told him exactly how I feel - I have even told him i feel like he is 100% in my life and my childs and yet I feel he does not think I am good enough to be in HIS sons life! He told me he does not see it like that and that he just does not want to upset him! This guy has asked me to marry him yet he wont let me meet his son? This is more baffling to me. Why don't you ask him "Why exactly would be so upsetting for your son to spend time with me? I don't understand, please explain it."
Author Ruby Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 Has anyone else been in this position regarding the kids?
Richard_J Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Has anyone else been in this position regarding the kids? Yes Ruby, I have. I'll tell you my situation - just in the spirit of being honest with you. I have children and grand chidlren. I'm close to them. I've had a few girlfriends that I have lost over this issue. I was crazy about them and always happy to be with them. But I kept them compartmentalized from my children and grandchildren. If it were to come to a point of marriage the I would have brought the g/f into that circle. But NOWAY until I was sure. There was even TALK of marriage but that's all. I had very personal reasons. It hurt their feelings as it does yours. They jumped to the conclusion that I must not care ENOUGH. They were partially right, but I had other issues that kept me from bringing them close to my children. One dumped me for it. I had to dump the other for it. I was an a**hole, but would have preferred to be thought of as a poor guy with issues. That's all clear for me now so I'm past that. I get to not be an a**hole anymore. My point to you is that I don't think he seriously sees you that way yet. I know you said he's spoken of marriage. But Ruby, men do wierd sh*t like that. Get all emotional one minute and say the M word, but aren't really ready to back it. Right now you seem to suspect he's kind of an a**hole too. He won't agree, of course, but I agree. He's kind of an a**hole. At least right now. Why would a guy let you get that close when he can't follow through? Duh But girls do that too. Anyway ... he might yet bring you in to that circle. He might never. You must decide to take or leave it or wait for it. Now ... about the money. And I'm very opinionated on this. Anytime a man has some money and hears his g/f is broke, but doen't pull out the money ... HE's CHEAP! You're NOT being a gold digger. He's CHEAP OK - CHEAP. He asks "Do you need money?" You answer "no" He thinks "Wheeew" - because he's cheap. Then why does he give $$$ to his stepdaughter? Because she knows how to say (repeat this Ruby) - "Can I have some money?" You're too prideful but that's not the point is it. Or is it? Is you child really going without? You child is going without because he's cheap AND because you've got too much pride. Ask him again and take his money. There's more happiness in giving If you can get enough, then he won't have any for the step daughter and she'll be pissed!
Art_Critic Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 1. When he has his kids every other weekend I get thrown out like yesterdays rubbish. Me and my child are not included in his plans and i have yet to get to know his youngest son (age 5) as he thinks he is too young to meet me and spend time with me as it may upset him! I know this is not the case as I have seen him 3 times (for a total of 5 minutes) and he was fine every time. You know Ruby.. if I had seen this thread and read it before your other one I might've given you slightly different advice on that other thread.. After reading your number 1... I would be really pissed off myself it that was happening to me in the same fashion as it is happening to you. Treating you so belittling is horrible..and he is also treating your own child in this same disrespectful manner as he/she also plays into the role as the family unit. I would make a ZERO tolerance rule with him and lay down the law.. either you are in the picture and part of the group as a couple and are moving forward as if you are going to be a couple in the future or I would absolutely break up with him.. Don't let him disrespect you and your child in this manner ever again.. If you had just started to date I would think differently and think that he has an absolute right to protect his kids from you but you are not newly dating and at this point he needs to either shiot of get off the pot. Remember to emphasize that you MUST be starting to operate as a family unit when he has his kids..
Art_Critic Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 This guy has asked me to marry him yet he wont let me meet his son? Don't marry a man like this.. he will always treat you like a second class citizen.. If he can't respect you and your kids while courting you he will not magically start being respectful to you and your kids after he marries you..
halfarock Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Beginning when my kids were 1 and 2 I raised them as a single father. Early on I decided not to subject them to a step mother. Even though I had a few women friends with whom romantic interludes erupted, I never seriously pursued a relationship until my kids were in their later teens and less needing of my constant attention. I think that even “the experts” would agree that children, especially younger ones are better off not having to deal with their parents’ boy/girl friends. Nonetheless your boyfriend still seems a bit insensitive to you.
nicki Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I've been in your shoes. Sorry, you are going through this! It's a very painful and confusing situation. You are probably frustated by his lack of actions. It doesn't matter what he says at this point. He's not acting like a man who wants to marry you. I completely agree with Richard J. on his entire post, especially the money thing. My boyfriend was just like your guy. We dated for several years, and the first two were the worst. He also had two children that he never let me see the first two years of our relationship. His excuse was that it was "upsetting" to the children -- but mostly to his estranged wife. And he didn't have the stones to stand up to her. So our relationship suffered and didn't progress, even though he professed great love and wanted to marry me, too. I patiently waited and waited for his actions to match his words. As for money, he gave his ex every dime he made. In fact, she rountinely sent him ALL of her bills to him to pay. Amazingly, he did. (I understood him taking care of his children, of course, but I couldn't undertand why he let HER take advantage of HIM to that extent, especially when she cheated on him repeatedly and caused the end of the marriage.) I was also a struggling divorced mom with children. Up until that point, I had never taken money before from anyone, for anything. So I understand your philosophy. My boyfriend offered to help me fix my car when it broke down. I refused based on principle. I cried and told him that I found it very hard to accept help, especially money from anyone. I would have been hurt if he hadn't tried to help me....and thank goodness he did keep offering until I said yes. It's not really about money, it's about offering whatever help you can to someone you love. It's about making sure that they are taken care of, even if you have to force them to take the money because they are too proud. So, he helped me out. And I helped him out in every way I could. That's love. But in the end, his divorce was taking too long. He wasn't standing up to the ex for whatever reason. He did let me spend more and more time with kids, but only when he figured out that I was quickly disengaging myself from the relationship. I wasn't going to beg to make things progress. At some point, I just started doing what was right for me. Even though, he tried very hard at the end to keep me, I no longer wanted to put the effort into it. And I was worried that his effort wouldn't be long lasting anyway. He only seemed to put attention on something when I was upset about it. Never on his own because he knew it was the right thing to do. I think there is a natural progression for a relationship. If it gets blocked for too long, then it will end. Talk to him. Tell him what you want to happen. He should show you with words and actions that you mean the world to him. After dating for a year, you have the right to expect more contact with the children. If you had been dating him a few months, I'd say chill out a bit. But, after a year and a quasi-marriage proposal, you should expect things to be moving along towards you being an important part of their lives, and them an important part of yours. Hopefully he will care enough about how you feel and what you want. If it's in-line with what he wants, then he should do whatever he can to make things right. If he can't do that, then you have more to think about. But, you are thinking clearly about things and right on track with your concerns.
Walk Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Different view point: (take it or leave it) I understand how you feel about not asking for money Ruby. I'm the same way. But... I've been on both sides of the coin on this one. The one in need, and the one offering. I can't ask for money even if I'm starving to death. However, if my partner needs help, then I will only ASK if they need my help. I don't force it on them. Shoving money in your pocket after you've said you don't need it would (in my mind) be insulting to both of us. I would be dishonoring your feelings on the subject. I'd be treating you like a charity case, and showing that I don't believe in you or your ability to make your own decisions regarding what you do (or don't) need. If you don't tell me you need the money, then my putting money in your pocket would in essence imply that I don't believe you know whats best for you. It would show I don't trust your own judgement. It would show that I see you as a child who's incapable of making their own decision in life. That's just how I see it. Not necessarily how others do. But I've never asked someone if I could help, had them turn me down, and thought "whew". I feel sad about it. That they couldn't trust me enough to show vulnerabilities. That they felt so insecure around me that they refused to show weakness. That they thought I would in any way take advantage of their weakness to harm them...... It made me feel sad they didn't trust me, when I honestly only wanted to help make things easier for them. By telling your bf no, when he obviously see's you struggling, it sends the message that you don't trust him. It implies that you feel he'll take advantage of you if you show weakness. It sends the message that you would rather starve, then lean on your partner (the one your supposed to be able to trust completely) for help. The point here... You don't know how your bf thinks about either of these topics. You haven't asked. You assume he thinks something, and stop questioning him about his true thoughts. It seems to me that he gave you surface level replies that required more discussion on both your parts. But neither of you thought to take it there. Which might be a partial reason as to why he isn't quite ready to let you into his life completely. Most people aren't bad people, each individual won't think exactly the same way about something. Why not ask him how he thinks on the subject of money and kids. Have an indepth discussion about both your views. Why make assumptions right now? Talk to him, ask questions, gather as much information as possible, and then make your own decision. His responses will either show the two of you are compatible in your views, or you aren't. But to me, it seems like you have a quarter of the information, and you want someone other than your bf to fill in the gaps for you. This is just my view of things... probably off base on it. LIke I said, take it or leave it.
nicki Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Walk, I see what you are saying. It's true! A person needs to show their vulnerability and accept help. From my experience though, hard to do until you know the other person really wants to help, and not just saying it out of a social sense of obligation. Once I knew that my boyfriend really meant his offer of help, I could accept it. I knew that I had to meet him halfway by exposing my vulnerabilities, but it was so hard! Some people can't yet do that. Once my sister couldn't pay her electric/heating bill. She was too proud to let me give it to her. I knew from the way we were raised why that was. She would rather starve and freeze to death than ask for help. So I called the electric company and paid it for her. I didn't mean to treat her as a child, but rather, to show her that her wellbeing was more important than pride. And that by letting me help her she was allowing me to be there for her in a way that no one else had been before. By taking the decision away from her by paying it myself was the only way to initially get her over that emotional hump. After that, she asked for help when she needed it. But, I never would have accepted someone's offer of money the first time. It took a lot of insistence initially. Now, I really do understand how important it is to open up and receive love and help from people.
Author Ruby Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Wow your responses have been so helpful and I thank you all for taking the time to reply to me with such heartfelt honesty! There is an update I sent him a text (because he told me he didnt have 5 mins to talk) the text said ...... If you was sitting indoors with no money I would help you without even asking. Your layalties obviously lie with (ex's name) and her daughter so maybe you should get back with her? I have helped you out so many times and never made you feel like a tramp. Maybe when you needed help I should have offered you odd jobs? (he offered me $20 to do his ironing) You even knocked me for the money you owed me in the week. I also sent him this text later on as I had to express my feelings and text was the only way as he wouldnt talkto me - It said I have spoken to you in the past about how you push me out when your son is around. You ask me to marry you and have your baby but you wont introduce me to your son. How do you think that makes me feel? I wont carry on like this. My son is as important to me as your son is to you and I have allowed you in my life 100% and all i expect is the same in return. I think I am worthy of that. Just be honest with me and if things are not going to change then let me know as I know I love you but I cannot carry on feeling like this. ANYWAY .... This morning he rings me and says in a very grumpy voice 'can you pack my trousers in a bag as I need them' I said yes and progressed to pack everything he has left in my house. He came to the door and i gave him the bag and his tool box and he gave me the money he owed me in the week. I told him to keep the money as he obviously needs it more than me. He left it on the floor and said 'Fkn telling me I knocked you I cant believe it' He has decided to get mad as he felt bad - He is not a tight man he is very generous as a rule, I am shocked he has done this to me as I have helped him so many times with no guilt attatched. I am guessing that I hit a nerve and his first form of defence was attack. So now I am at my house mad and sad and he is at his house iwth his kids and he is mad at me for what I have said. I am thinking of just breaking up for good as I cannot carry on like this.
Lishy Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Hmmmmmmmmm I can see why you are upset! If you are in a relationship you would expect that person to help you when it is needed. I too am proud and understand why you find it hard to accept financial help when you are used to being self sufficiant! Has he called you since he left you house?
Walk Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I think you should've waited til you could talk to him one on one. Text messages, email, letters, can be misinterpreted, seem harsher, more critical, then what was really meant. Why was it so life shattering that you absolutely couldn't wait a day to talk to him? Anyway, your text message sounded really harsh to me. It sounded like you were calling him an ungrateful, uncaring arse who walked all over you. And yeah, you may have felt that way... but that type of message will get one type of response.. it's going to piss the person off. Its going to make him defensive, angry, and the person will withdraw completely. You killed communication with him by telling him "Your layalties obviously lie with (ex's name) and her daughter so maybe you should get back with her?" What outcome did you expect from your text?? THat he would cry and beg your forgiveness? That he would immediately understand that you were hurt, and want to jump hoops to make everything better? Pull your head out of your arse girl. That was an imflamatory text message, and it pissed him off. You assigned motives to his actions, and didn't allow him to express his thoughts. It was a one sided discussion in which you vented your anger. If you had honestly wanted to work through the problem, then you should've given him the benefit of the doubt, discussed with him (back and forth sharing of thoughts) how you felt about his actions, and given him the opportunity to understand why you felt that way. And YOU should've attempted to hear and understand how he felt/thought. The worst part... And I would hate to have it done to me... is you assigned motives to his actions that were negative in context. This man who you supposedly love, and you automatically assume the worst without even asking him. You don't seem to love him. You wanted someone there... but there wasn't a back and forth sharing of thoughts in your relationship. It was a bunch of assumptions, miscommunication, and two individuals sharing a bit of time together. You are as much to blame as he is for the break down of your relationship.
Author Ruby Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 I have not heard from him and I do not expect to - I have to seriously think about what I want and if I want him in my life! Walk with all due respect you are used to be downtrodden by the man in your life but I will just not accept this behaviour! I meant to sound harsh in my text as he is impossible to talk to and remember he could not even take 5 minutes to speak to me when I asked him. I want him to feel pissed, mad and angry at me becuase that is how I feel and I think he should have a taste of it! He is only willing to discuss a problem when HE is ready and I have had my fill of one way relationships. I have told him him the past that I have to discuss problems before I can move on and he is never willing to unless HE is ready! I DO love him but not enough to feel pushed out and not helped when I am in need. Please remember that I help him out all the time and never ask him for anything.
Walk Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Walk with all due respect you are used to be downtrodden by the man in your life but I will just not accept this behaviour! That was uncalled for Ruby. And if I was less of a downtrodden piece o' shyt, then I'd bytch you out and tell you what a God damn a**-holish thing you just said was. And you would react extremely negatively, communication would break down because your defenses would be up, and we would NEVER come to any type of acceptable understanding of our respective views. THAT is how you reacted to your bf. You blew up. There can't be a back and forth sharing of ideas when either person is angry. You were angry and lashed out. Now he's angry. Neither of you can talk rationally now. You should've sent one text telling him it was over, and been done with it because real communication at this point isn't going to happen. But YOU were the one that said you weren't sure if you wanted to break up with him or not. I did NOT say to F'ing grovel at his feet. If you're sooo over his "unacceptable behavior" then Dump him. But you didn't say that... you implied you wanted him to understand where you were coming from. You implied you wanted a positive resolution. I pointed out that the way you approached it wouldn't result in that. And you attack me. I'm done with you. Have a nice life.
Author Ruby Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I am sorry walk, I really am I did not mean to jump on you. That was uncalled for and you took the time to answer me and give your opinion on my problem. Sorry! I am going to break up with him as his behaviour is not acceptable to me. I feel so important in his life one minute and just pushed out the next. There is obviously alot more to me and him and because I know how hard he is to communicate with I get so frustrated with him. I did send that text with intent on making him feel as bad as I feel. You are right I should have just sent him a text saying it is over! My problems lay in my past relationships and how I was treated and I just refuse to be treated this way by anyone! You too will feel this one day Walk as you are in the same sort of relationship that I was in. It makes you not tolerate being mis-treated and I know i get highly strung but I spent so long being in an unhealthy relationship and the truth is I see very selfish signs in this guy and I dont want that! Why should he be in my life 100% and I cant be in his? I have put up with this for long enough now and i need either all or nothing. Sorry again Walk I really am!
InLimbo2 Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Just some thoughts here ok? For background -I've been in really horrid relationships where I was walked over -and now am in a fantastic, healthy relationship and ecstatic. I've been through the stuff you talk about. This guy you are seeing - he may be an A-hole, he may not be. I haven't read enough of your posts to know. But I don't need to know to say what I have to say to you. I see a whole lotta baggage in you - I would know, just jettisoned the last of my own When I got with the man I'm with now - although I was optimistic, in the back of my mind was every rotten thing every man in my past did to me and my kids. That's normal - we are a product of our experiences. When my guy would make a mistake or there was a misunderstanding - I'd be ready to jump/pounce. I used to be the type that had to talk things out NOW - all had to be settled NOW. I loved this man, and always my first gut reaction was to think the worst of him. Cuz - well - that'd been my experience with every other man - over and over - multiple times, even within same relationships. We've been together over a year now, and yes we've decided to get married in a few years. And it took a LONG time for both of us to work through the baggage we brought to the table in the beginning. Now when things are in conflict, he goes off to his 'cave' to think about them - with my blessing - before we discuss them. Now when he missteps, I don't automatically think the worst - I give him time to back up and try it again. And I communicate with him in clear concise ways - no extraneous stuff - not couched in negativity. And he meets my needs - he always comes back from 'the cave' within 24 hrs to discuss things, if I need him he's available, he gives me the same freedom to discuss things with no fear of reprisal or judgment. We usually don't know how we feel about an issue until we discuss it and find out as we go along. We are very open and honest with each other - even with the bad stuff. What you are doing with the text messages - in medium or content - is not helping the situation -and never will. No one will hunt for a compromise or solution to a problem when they are under attack. You have to ask yourself - is your goal to 'win'? or is your goal to have a peaceful loving co-existence with this man? Bottom line, you can't change him - only you and how you react. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So - YOU change. When I was trying to save my marriage,there was only one book in all the books I tried that helped at all - it's called Divorce Busters or similar. It's all about changing your reactions and behavior. I'm not giving you a cut - I know all too well how easy it is to lash out in frustration at people. Part of being mature is knowing our own weaknesses, and tho nobody is ever perfect, knowing ourselves and our own flaws so we can compensate for them is a gift. Your reactions are not getting you anywhere with this man - so STOP. Create new reactions. Stop and think about how you want to act and behave - in a healthy mature way - and then do it. Will he come around? Maybe - maybe not. But even if he doesn't - you are behaving as a healthy mature adult, rather than sinking to a lower level. That in itself will help you walk away if that's truly what needs to happen. And, you are modeling good adult mature healthy behavior for your son. just my .02 cents I am sorry walk, I really am I did not mean to jump on you. That was uncalled for and you took the time to answer me and give your opinion on my problem. Sorry! I am going to break up with him as his behaviour is not acceptable to me. I feel so important in his life one minute and just pushed out the next. There is obviously alot more to me and him and because I know how hard he is to communicate with I get so frustrated with him. I did send that text with intent on making him feel as bad as I feel. You are right I should have just sent him a text saying it is over! My problems lay in my past relationships and how I was treated and I just refuse to be treated this way by anyone! You too will feel this one day Walk as you are in the same sort of relationship that I was in. It makes you not tolerate being mis-treated and I know i get highly strung but I spent so long being in an unhealthy relationship and the truth is I see very selfish signs in this guy and I dont want that! Why should he be in my life 100% and I cant be in his? I have put up with this for long enough now and i need either all or nothing. Sorry again Walk I really am!
nylah Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I am sorry walk, I really am I did not mean to jump on you. That was uncalled for and you took the time to answer me and give your opinion on my problem. Sorry! I am going to break up with him as his behaviour is not acceptable to me. I feel so important in his life one minute and just pushed out the next. There is obviously alot more to me and him and because I know how hard he is to communicate with I get so frustrated with him. I did send that text with intent on making him feel as bad as I feel. You are right I should have just sent him a text saying it is over! My problems lay in my past relationships and how I was treated and I just refuse to be treated this way by anyone! You too will feel this one day Walk as you are in the same sort of relationship that I was in. It makes you not tolerate being mis-treated and I know i get highly strung but I spent so long being in an unhealthy relationship and the truth is I see very selfish signs in this guy and I dont want that! Why should he be in my life 100% and I cant be in his? I have put up with this for long enough now and i need either all or nothing. Sorry again Walk I really am! you are very rude, and mean......and it sounds to me like you are the one getting "dogged".... what relationship do you feel "important" in? certainly not this one. judging from what I just read, the guy doesn't even "like" you. But I've got a pretty good feeling that you already know that.
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