Author ShoeGirl Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 How big a city is it? I live a few blocks from my ex in a fair-sized city, it's been a year, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of him. He also happens to live between my place and my current bfs place, so I go by there A LOT. Just turn around and go in the other direction if you see him out and about. It's a big city, about 5-600,000 people, but the neighborhood that we are both going to be living in is small and very friendly, there is only one main grocery store, and a few restaurants with in a few miles of my place, so chances of running into him are pretty high. If neither of us wanted to see the other it wouldn't be a problem, but I have a pretty good idea that he will be wanting/trying to see me all the time, and will be on the lookout for me, which is why I don't want him to know where I live.
alphamale Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 , but I have a pretty good idea that he will be wanting/trying to see me all the time, and will be on the lookout for me, which is why I don't want him to know where I live. of course he will SG....why do you think he's moving right next to you? something weird is up.
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 of course he will SG....why do you think he's moving right next to you? something weird is up. Unless he is truly stalking me there is no way he could have known I was moving there. There were only a few people who knew I signed a lease there before I heard he was moving in down the street, and he doesn't know any of them. The only way he would know where I was looking is if he was literally following me around, and according to his roommate he was 300 miles away from me until this morning. I know something weird is up... I just don't get what he is holding onto, I refuse to get back together with him, and he knows it very well. I don't understand why he is so fixated on me, the only possibility is that his parents are convincing him to try to get back together with me because they love me like a daughter, they have said that since the first time I met them almost 5 years ago and are still saying it now.
LoveLace Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 When I was in college, I made friends with a sorority sister and we were cool, so I started inviting to go to my hometown with me for my friends' parties on the weekends. She got on everyone's nerves though, including my own. But I was still dumb enough to be her roommate for a year, and we constantly argued but remained friends even after that. I graduated a semester or 2 before her and moved back home fast. Then SHE graduated, and moved to my hometown also. She got her own place, but she constantly called and constantly wanted to be with me and my friends. She ended up saying she only moved there because of me!! She was depending on me for a social life...I felt very annoyed and pressured. But after a blow-out we stopped talking for a while and she ended up making her own friends, finally. We tried to be friends again, but yet another blow-out occurred and we still don't talk, yet again. But I know how it feels and if you don't find a way to be honest and tell him what's up, it'll only get worse because unless you say something, he's going to think it's ok to bug you. It'll drive you crazy to the point where you'll wanna kill 'em..
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 I am going to talk to him, I know he won't listen to me over the phone so I am going to have to do it in person. He called me earlier while I was at work and wanted me to come to dinner with him and his parents, I declined the invitation and told him I needed to talk to him alone later. He said they could just drop by my work and say hi on the way to the restaurant, I told him I was off work in 20 minutes so I wouldn't be there when they got there, and that I had a date downtown after work (I can go one a date with my best friend right?) He finally agreed to call me when his parents leave, which won't be until next week so we can get together and talk. I am guessing I will hear from him a few more times before they leave because I'm sure they want to see me (they still call me the daughter they never had, and I'm not sure what to think of that). He has been here one day and he is already calling me, I think he is going to drive me insane! I think I need to start a list of everything I need to tell him so I can make sure I say everything I want to when I meet up with him. I have a feeling it will be a long list!
alphamale Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 He has been here one day and he is already calling me, I think he is going to drive me insane! I think I need to start a list of everything I need to tell him so I can make sure I say everything I want to when I meet up with him. I have a feeling it will be a long list! make sure you add to the list that you need to tell him if he doesn't leave you alone after the warnings then theres a good chance you'll go to the cops and get a restraining order.
nicki Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I'll just add that the simplest thing to do is to NEVER EVER hang out with him or meet him for lunch, dinner, drinks, etc.....not even once. And don't listen to him when he calls for emotional support. Better yet, never answer the phone. If he does catch you off guard, then be distant and get off quickly. Don't worry about being rude. Be nice, but firm, and make sure your behavior supports what you say. So, you are only meeting him to tell him how you feel? That's good. Then it's about you, not him. Keep it short and sweet, and then don't let him weasel his way back into your life. I'm sure he'll try. I've had it happen with exes. They call and say "Please meet me just this once. My dog died. I'm having a horrible day." or they call you with some bad work news and try to suck you in that way. Don't ever be there for him for any crisis or situation. Be cold to him. Offer him social civility (like you would an aquaintance.) But refuse to engage emotionally. The easiest way is to avoid a situation is to never let it develop in the first place. Good luck!
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 17, 2007 Author Posted June 17, 2007 make sure you add to the list that you need to tell him if he doesn't leave you alone after the warnings then theres a good chance you'll go to the cops and get a restraining order. That was one of the first things I wrote down, thanks!
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 17, 2007 Author Posted June 17, 2007 So, you are only meeting him to tell him how you feel? That's good. Then it's about you, not him. Keep it short and sweet, and then don't let him weasel his way back into your life. I'm sure he'll try. I am only meeting him because I know he won't listen to me over the phone, he will tune me out. I am planning on being there long enough to get out what I need to say and make sure he understands it, then I will leave with some excuse of why I have to go, or have my friends call me to give me a reason to leave. He won't weasel his way back into my life, I won't let it happen!
alphamale Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 I am only meeting him because I know he won't listen to me over the phone, he will tune me out. I am planning on being there long enough to get out what I need to say and make sure he understands it, then I will leave with some excuse of why I have to go, or have my friends call me to give me a reason to leave. He won't weasel his way back into my life, I won't let it happen! I don't know about meeting him IRL, SG. I think the phone or email should be adequate. I know that from a male perspective when an ex agrees to meet in person he will get the wrong idea. If you keep it to electronic communication that is much more impersonal. If he still doesn't understand then you need to tell his parents also.
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 17, 2007 Author Posted June 17, 2007 I don't know about meeting him IRL, SG. I think the phone or email should be adequate. I know that from a male perspective when an ex agrees to meet in person he will get the wrong idea. If you keep it to electronic communication that is much more impersonal. If he still doesn't understand then you need to tell his parents also. I understand your reasoning behind not meeting him IRL, but you don't know him and how stubborn he is when it comes to hearing things that he doesn't want to hear. If I email him he won't take the time to actually read it and the if I talk to him on the phone he tunes me out when I start saying anything he doesn't like, which will be everything I need to talk to him about now. He has selective hearing, he does it to everyone, every time someone says something he doesn't want to hear he just doesn't comprehend it and it goes out of his head like it was never there. I have thought about it a lot and I think I need to talk to him in real life, I will be careful about it and I will not let the conversation go off topic. If I don't talk to him about how he is acting and making me feel then he won't stop, because I am sure that in his head he isn't doing anything wrong. I think if I tell him that he is bugging the crap out of me he will feel guilty and stop bugging me all the time, and actually start his own life here. I had to move here alone a few years ago and start my own life and I survived, so I'm pretty sure he can do it too. I don't know how he will get the wrong idea, he is gay, he has admitted it to me, so I don't see how he can think that a relationship between us could ever work. I could see possibly being friends in a few years when he fully admits who he is and stops clinging onto the hope that he will marry me. What good will telling his parents do?
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I am planning on meeting up with him next week sometime, I told him on line that I think we should get together and talk soon and he agreed. I am thinking I am going to go through with the coffee shop plan I talked about earlier but I am starting to wonder if that is the best idea. I don't know how he will react since I haven't actually talked to him face to face in about 9 months. I am not sure what I am so afraid of except that I hate hurting people's feelings and I am guessing that I am going to crush him when I tell him everything, based on how he has been acting this last week. Alpha- What will telling his parents do? I am confused at what you were getting at.
underpants Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Shoe Girl, It might just be me, but I find it rather suspect that in a city that large he happens to find a place so close to you. Are you sure the roomate or other mutual friend didn't tell him? Did you post on myspace or a blog somewhere a clue to where you would be moving? I just find that the coincidence a little odd. I get the feeling he is trying to worm his way back into your life. That sucks, sorry. You have reason to be wary given your history with him and his tendancy to be manipulative. Do you have to meet with him? I guess if he only hears what he wants to hear on the phone or online, then how will a real life meeting deter his future contact? Tread carefully as he might turn the meeting around as reward for all his efforts. He got you to meet with him, so in his head he must be doing something right....I don't know how ....unbalanced he is. If you do meet him. Be sure to keep it short and to the point. Don't divulge any personal info or agree to see him again. Just wish him well and tell him that you are in a new relationship and out of respect to your new boyfriend you cannot keep a close friendship with an ex. Out of respect to him (your ex) you are meeting him this one time to let him know. Then say you have to go as you are late for meeting someone. That might be harsh, but it lays it out there. Gosh, the whole situation is a little strange. Be careful and good luck Regards, Unders
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Hi Shoe Girl, It might just be me, but I find it rather suspect that in a city that large he happens to find a place so close to you. Are you sure the roomate or other mutual friend didn't tell him? Did you post on myspace or a blog somewhere a clue to where you would be moving? I just find that the coincidence a little odd. Hi Underpants! There is no way I can think of for him to have known. His roommate is one of my best friends so I have told her a lot since him and I broke up and nothing else has been said to him so I doubt she would tell him this. I haven't told any of our mutual friends where I am moving to, all that they know is that I am going to a new apartment in the same city. I have checked on myspace and there are no comments about me moving, let alone where I am going to. GRRRR, it would make me feel better knowing how he found out so I could prevent him from hearing more. I get the feeling he is trying to worm his way back into your life. That sucks, sorry. You have reason to be wary given your history with him and his tendancy to be manipulative. I am sure he is trying to get back into my life, but why? What does he want from me? Do you have to meet with him? I guess if he only hears what he wants to hear on the phone or online, then how will a real life meeting deter his future contact? Tread carefully as he might turn the meeting around as reward for all his efforts. He got you to meet with him, so in his head he must be doing something right....I don't know how ....unbalanced he is. I don't particularly want to meet with him at all but I am afraid that if I don't meet with him he won't see anything wrong with calling/texting/emailing/etc me all the time like he is now. I posted new pictures on my myspace the other day and he left comments on 19 out of the 24 of them, most of them said how much he misses me and how much he still loves me. 19 comments is ridiculous and a little excessive no matter who you are! If you do meet him. Be sure to keep it short and to the point. Don't divulge any personal info or agree to see him again. Just wish him well and tell him that you are in a new relationship and out of respect to your new boyfriend you cannot keep a close friendship with an ex. Out of respect to him (your ex) you are meeting him this one time to let him know. Then say you have to go as you are late for meeting someone. That might be harsh, but it lays it out there. I have every intention of sitting down and telling him everything I need to and getting up and leaving. I am not worried about being too harsh, he needs to hear it. Gosh, the whole situation is a little strange. I agree, I have no clue how I ended up in this situation to begin with, he was totally normal when we were dating then everything came out and he has completely changed, I hardly recognize him in his myspace pictures. Be careful and good luck Thanks
Author ShoeGirl Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 I finally got to say everything I wanted/needed to say to my ex. I ran into him unexpectedly at the mall on Saturday and basically said hi and bye and kept walking. He called me a few hours later and left me a message saying that he thinks I deserve a better explanation of what happened and that he wanted to sit down and talk to me. I called him back on Sunday and agreed to meet him for coffee at a coffee house fairly far away from my house. He came in and apologized for everything he did to me and everything he put me through. He came clean about lies that he was telling when we were together and that he continued after we broke up. And the best part... he finally admitted flat out that he is gay, not that he is bi or gay on the weekends, that he is gay. I was so glad to hear that he is finally admitting it. Everything that he said matched up with what I knew from other sources so it seems like he is finally being honest with me. After that I told him everything that I needed to say. He took it so much better than I thought he would. He said that he understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. In the end he said that he would like for us to be friends and I told him that the only way that would ever work is if he stops lying to me for good and that I can't handle hanging out with him right now but that it might change over time.
alphamale Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I finally got to say everything I wanted/needed to say to my ex. pretty heavy stuff SG... In the end he said that he would like for us to be friends and I told him that the only way that would ever work is if he stops lying to me for good and that I can't handle hanging out with him right now but that it might change over time. being "friends" is a bad idea SG. and I think you know that already.
Author ShoeGirl Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 being "friends" is a bad idea SG. and I think you know that already. Why "friends"? I'm confused.
alphamale Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Why "friends"? I'm confused. it'll just give him more opportunities to treat you badly
Author ShoeGirl Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I am not planning on being friends with him any time soon... in a few years that might change but it is not going to happen now. I know how he is and I am not going to put myself in that situation. I was confused why you put quotes around friends...
alphamale Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I was confused why you put quotes around friends... the quotes meant fake friends...as in being friends in name only
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