ShoeGirl Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 My ex just called me to inform me that he got a job a mile away from where I live. He currently lives in a city 300 miles away, a city that he has lived in his whole life, he can't handle change at all so I am honestly shocked he even looked for a job here. He is moving here in 2 weeks, AAAHHHHHH! He only knows two people here, me and my best friend, so I am guessing that the second his parents leave here he will be calling one or both of us for support when he starts freaking out. It irritates me even more that he would not even consider moving here when we were dating, if I mentioned it at all he would completely freak out and get mad at me for even bringing it up. But now that we are broken up he actively started looking for jobs over here and is now moving here. I thought I was getting away from him and his craziness by staying here and not moving back home after college. I am definitely going to need to set boundaries with him or he will be calling constantly.
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Weird. Who ended the relationship, you or him? Any chance he's clinging on to hope?
Author ShoeGirl Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 The end was mutual, although I was more adamant about ending it and he was not wanting to but agreed that it was best. He is really messed up right now. He is gay but won't fully admit it and tells everyone that his being gay is a phase and eventually he will be straight again and marry me and have a family. I don't know how he expects that to work but that is what he says. I have told him many times that I am never going to get back together with him.
Pyro Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 My ex just called me to inform me that he got a job a mile away from where I live. He currently lives in a city 300 miles away, a city that he has lived in his whole life, he can't handle change at all so I am honestly shocked he even looked for a job here. He is moving here in 2 weeks, AAAHHHHHH! He only knows two people here, me and my best friend, so I am guessing that the second his parents leave here he will be calling one or both of us for support when he starts freaking out. It irritates me even more that he would not even consider moving here when we were dating, if I mentioned it at all he would completely freak out and get mad at me for even bringing it up. But now that we are broken up he actively started looking for jobs over here and is now moving here. I thought I was getting away from him and his craziness by staying here and not moving back home after college. I am definitely going to need to set boundaries with him or he will be calling constantly. That graduation party you went to was 300 miles away?
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 The end was mutual, although I was more adamant about ending it and he was not wanting to but agreed that it was best. He is really messed up right now. He is gay but won't fully admit it and tells everyone that his being gay is a phase and eventually he will be straight again and marry me and have a family. I don't know how he expects that to work but that is what he says. I have told him many times that I am never going to get back together with him. Well, it sounds like he wants to hang out with you and your friend when he moves, and it sounds like way too much drama. He's clinging onto hope, I think, plus avoiding being gay, maybe. Send him the links to "manhunt" and any suggestions of gay bars in the area if you're up for that. Otherwise, I'd say no thanks to hanging out with him. Poor guy.
Author ShoeGirl Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 That graduation party you went to was 300 miles away? Yeah. I didn't drive all the way there for him, it was mother's day weekend and that is the only weekend of the year that all of my siblings are in the same place, so I was in town for mother's day and went to his party for a little while.
Author ShoeGirl Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Well, it sounds like he wants to hang out with you and your friend when he moves, and it sounds like way too much drama. He's clinging onto hope, I think, plus avoiding being gay, maybe. Send him the links to "manhunt" and any suggestions of gay bars in the area if you're up for that. Otherwise, I'd say no thanks to hanging out with him. Poor guy. I know he is way too much drama, I learned that the hard way dating him for more than 2 years! I also think you are dead on thinking that he is avoiding being gay, however if he decides to admit that he is gay this city will be a great place for him, we have a very big gay/lesbian community and in many areas there are more gay bars than there are straight bars. Poor guy is not the case, he is good at manipulating everything to make him out to be the victim, when in all reality anyone who knows what he did to me and to another one of his SOs recently would agree that we were the victims.
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 IPoor guy is not the case, he is good at manipulating everything to make him out to be the victim, when in all reality anyone who knows what he did to me and to another one of his SOs recently would agree that we were the victims. Oh, ick. I take back my "poor guy" comment, then. And it makes me rethink his relaocation to be near you. Now I say stay away, let him find the bars on his own. It sounds like he draws victims into his battle with his sexual ambiguity problems, a selfish thing.
Author ShoeGirl Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Oh, ick. I take back my "poor guy" comment, then. And it makes me rethink his relaocation to be near you. Now I say stay away, let him find the bars on his own. It sounds like he draws victims into his battle with his sexual ambiguity problems, a selfish thing. Part of me wants to keep track of him so I can warn his next victim, but I know I can't and shouldn't do that, but I want to because I feel bad for whichever guy or girl he does this to next.
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Part of me wants to keep track of him so I can warn his next victim, but I know I can't and shouldn't do that, but I want to because I feel bad for whichever guy or girl he does this to next. I understand, but that would be getting drawn into drama... you have better things to do, and maybe he was put on earth to teach people a good, if painful, lesson.
Author ShoeGirl Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 I have a feeling that I may never escape his drama unless I stop talking to everyone that is also connected to him. His current roommate is also one of my best friends, that friendship won't be so bad once he moves here because he knows she doesn't necessarily support what he does to the people he dates (mainly what he did to me) so he probably won't talk to her too much. I have no intention of keeping track of him once he is here, I have my own life and don't intend on changing anything once he gets here. He called earlier but didn't leave a message, he has called me more in the last 2 days than he has in the last 6 months. This is going to be an interesting summer...
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 My lease is up at the end of this month so I have been searching for a new place to live, I finally found one that is about 5 miles from where I am living now and signed a lease last week, my new place is pretty far away from my ex's new job (I thought that was the best part). I talked to his current roommate (one of my best friends) last night and she asked if I knew where a certain street was, and yes I did, turns out my ex found a place yesterday on the same street less than 2 blocks from me, and had someone his parents know over here pay the deposit today. I have no intention of telling him where I am going to be living but chances are he will see me around there soon enough. I was hoping to be far enough away that I could easily avoid the drama that comes with him. He has been calling me and sending me messages on line for the last week and I have yet to respond to him. I don't know what I am going to do and it is really stressing me out. I just wish he was out of my life already!
Pyro Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 My lease is up at the end of this month so I have been searching for a new place to live, I finally found one that is about 5 miles from where I am living now and signed a lease last week, my new place is pretty far away from my ex's new job (I thought that was the best part). I talked to his current roommate (one of my best friends) last night and she asked if I knew where a certain street was, and yes I did, turns out my ex found a place yesterday on the same street less than 2 blocks from me, and had someone his parents know over here pay the deposit today. I have no intention of telling him where I am going to be living but chances are he will see me around there soon enough. I was hoping to be far enough away that I could easily avoid the drama that comes with him. He has been calling me and sending me messages on line for the last week and I have yet to respond to him. I don't know what I am going to do and it is really stressing me out. I just wish he was out of my life already! Is there any way that you can back out of your lease? You are just going to have to face him because you are bound to run into him. Tell him via phone or IM that you would appreciate it if he stopped trying to contact you, or you can just wait until you do run into him..
alphamale Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I am definitely going to need to set boundaries with him or he will be calling constantly. I assume you dumped him....time to go into total and unadulterated NC. And be ready to notify the authorities if he starts stalking you. And start keeping a written log of every time he contacts you. And get a dog if you don't have one already.
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Is there any way that you can back out of your lease? You are just going to have to face him because you are bound to run into him. Tell him via phone or IM that you would appreciate it if he stopped trying to contact you, or you can just wait until you do run into him.. I can't back out of my lease, I wish I could but I signed everything and paid first, last and deposit already. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but I know I need to make him stop contacting me, I am afraid to talk to him now because I want to wait as long as possible for him to figure out I live there. Luckily I will have a roommate so just because the lights are on won't mean that I am home.
Pyro Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I can't back out of my lease, I wish I could but I signed everything and paid first, last and deposit already. I'm not sure what I am going to do, but I know I need to make him stop contacting me, I am afraid to talk to him now because I want to wait as long as possible for him to figure out I live there. Luckily I will have a roommate so just because the lights are on won't mean that I am home. You know that you are going to run into him. You are going to have to face your fears. Just be nice, but firm about it. You have to tell him to leave you alone. Like I said, do it now, or wait until the day when you do see him, but the problem with option 2 is that you may not be prepared for it.
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I assume you dumped him....time to go into total and unadulterated NC. And be ready to notify the authorities if he starts stalking you. And start keeping a written log of every time he contacts you. And get a dog if you don't have one already. Our break up was mutual, but I wouldn't get back together with him when he decided a few months later that he missed me and wanted a relationship again. I am already in NC mode, he calls and messages me but I haven't responded in months. The only person who I talk to who is connected to him is his roommate, but she is one of my best friends and hates him for what he did to me, I know there is no way that she would tell him what I'm up to. She is glad he is moving out and is pissed that he is moving to my city at all. I will start keeping track of when he contacts me, I still have some messages on my phone as well, so I will start transferring them to my computer so I can keep them. Oh, and I can't get a dog, but I have an attack cat
alphamale Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Our break up was mutual, but I wouldn't get back together with him when he decided a few months later that he missed me and wanted a relationship again. then it really wasn't "mutual"...you dumped him in the end. I will start keeping track of when he contacts me, I still have some messages on my phone as well, so I will start transferring them to my computer so I can keep them. good idea... Oh, and I can't get a dog, but I have an attack cat domestic felines are worthless when it comes to personal safety
LoveLace Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Having a roommate could work in your favor, too. You could that your roommate doesn't do well with guests, or something stupid like that (if he attempts to visit you). If he asks you to do social things, you always have other plans already. You are so busy that you barely have time to answer the phone anymore. You have a boyfriend that you like a WHOLE lot....I'm just preparing you for the art of excuse-making, cuz it sounds like he's bugging the crap out of you already. But ultimately, you should just be honest and tell him you want as little contact with him as possible, ok none at all. Tell him since he's from your past, that you just wanted it to stay that way. But it sounds like he's expecting to depend on you emotionally. He must be desperate or very unsure of himself. Not cool!
alphamale Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 You have a boyfriend that you like a WHOLE lot.... who is also 6'7" and 270lbs and is police officer
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 You know that you are going to run into him. You are going to have to face your fears. Just be nice, but firm about it. You have to tell him to leave you alone. Like I said, do it now, or wait until the day when you do see him, but the problem with option 2 is that you may not be prepared for it. What do you think of this? He has ADHD (really bad) so it is hard to keep his attention on the phone especially if it is something he doesn't want to hear... so I am thinking a few friends (who he won't know) will come with me to a coffee shop that I don't go to normally, where I will meet him. I will tell him that I am not going to be his support here, he chose to move here and he needs to figure it out for himself, etc. My friends will be my escape plan, when things are either getting uncomfortable/out of control or I want to get out they can leave and call me to get me out of there. I have two friends in mind who know the whole story of what happened who would be more than happy to do this. If you have other ideas let me know, I'll take any suggestions
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 domestic felines are worthless when it comes to personal safety very true, but I can't have a dog so my attack cat will have to do Having a roommate could work in your favor, too. You could that your roommate doesn't do well with guests, or something stupid like that (if he attempts to visit you). If he asks you to do social things, you always have other plans already. You are so busy that you barely have time to answer the phone anymore. You have a boyfriend that you like a WHOLE lot....I'm just preparing you for the art of excuse-making, cuz it sounds like he's bugging the crap out of you already. But ultimately, you should just be honest and tell him you want as little contact with him as possible, ok none at all. Tell him since he's from your past, that you just wanted it to stay that way. But it sounds like he's expecting to depend on you emotionally. He must be desperate or very unsure of himself. Not cool! I am a pro at excuse making, thanks for the tips. He is expecting to be very dependent on me for everything, I have talked to his roommate and every time she asked him what he will do if... his answer is "call ShoeGirl." He has never lived outside of our small hometown and is 23 years old, so him moving here to the biggest city in the state is going to be a huge change for him, and he doesn't handle change very well at all. who is also 6'7" and 270lbs and is police officer I was telling a friend of mine about my ex moving here, and he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend whenever I want, he'll take me to dinner or out for drinks whenever I call especially if my ex will be near by. This guy and I dated for a while, so it won't be hard to pretend to be his girlfriend. And he is 6'3" and at least 220lbs, and really muscular, my ex is 5'9" and 160ish so this guy will scare the crap out of him
Pyro Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 What do you think of this? He has ADHD (really bad) so it is hard to keep his attention on the phone especially if it is something he doesn't want to hear... so I am thinking a few friends (who he won't know) will come with me to a coffee shop that I don't go to normally, where I will meet him. I will tell him that I am not going to be his support here, he chose to move here and he needs to figure it out for himself, etc. My friends will be my escape plan, when things are either getting uncomfortable/out of control or I want to get out they can leave and call me to get me out of there. I have two friends in mind who know the whole story of what happened who would be more than happy to do this. If you have other ideas let me know, I'll take any suggestions That actually sounds good. Whatever works best for you. Sometimes you have to get tough in order to get your point across. Good luck.
Aloros Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 How big a city is it? I live a few blocks from my ex in a fair-sized city, it's been a year, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of him. He also happens to live between my place and my current bfs place, so I go by there A LOT. Just turn around and go in the other direction if you see him out and about.
Author ShoeGirl Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 That actually sounds good. Whatever works best for you. Sometimes you have to get tough in order to get your point across. Good luck. Thanks, I am going to try to be tough but I can be too nice for my own good sometimes, one of my friends that I want to go with me will help me stand my ground just by being there. I'll have to wait and see what happens.
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