StartingOver07 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Thanks in part to Gregsbad and Anabelle, I am going to see Mr. Hot/Cold this weekend and do as they suggested -- confidently lay my cards on the table and somehow simultaneously put the ball in his court. This sounds great in theory but if anyone has spme specific coaching ideas, I am all ears. Or eyes, as the case may be. Greg suggested walking up to hinm slowly, telling him how I feel and then telling him to quit kidding around. Sounds great but then what -- do I walk out? In the movies, of course, the guy would look deeply into my eyes and declare his love but I have a feeling real life won't play out like that so I am a bit stumped as to how my part of the script should go. Help, please!!!
polywog Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 It would help if you gave us a link to your thread about Mr.Hot/Cold so we know the lay of the land, so to speak.
Star Gazer Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I obviously don't have any idea what to tell you, but I'll be watching this thread carefully.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 It would help if you gave us a link to your thread about Mr.Hot/Cold so we know the lay of the land, so to speak. Sorry. Here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120264/ And here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119918/
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I obviously don't have any idea what to tell you, but I'll be watching this thread carefully. I'm not sure I agree with that -- sometimes it's a lot easier to see clearly when it's not you. And I have seen you give some pretty good advice. So maybe you will reconsider.
Ruby Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 All you can do is see how he reacts to what you have to say to him - I dont have any history for you but I guess he is hot and cold and that is so frustrating in itself My advise is to really think about what you want and edont settle for less! Tell him how you feel and what you want and expect from him and if he cant offer it then I guess you will have to walk or what will be the point to 'The Talk'???????? Good luck xx
annabelle75 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 My advice is to be strong. Above all else DO NOT fall apart or cry. I have a nervous habit of crying in stressful sitautions. I really have to keep it in check becasue guys can't handle it and will say anything to make it stop. You don't want him making promises out of guilt or obligation. Just lay it all out there. Don't beat around the bush and hope he understands. Assume that his mind is incapable of understanding anything that isn't completely and fully explained to him. And lastly, expect nothing in return. If you walk into it hoping he'll declare his undying love to you, you'll be disspointed and it won't end the way you want it to. Make your intentions known and then tell him you want him to really think about what he wants and he can contact you if he would like to continue dating you. At that point I would say good bye in a friendly manner and leave. Don't be upset if he doesn't chase after you. He will probably need time to digest what you have said. I can only see this as a win/win situation. Either you'll find out that he really does want to be with you and you'll be able to clear up your misunderstandings or you'll have closure on the situation and know that he just isn't the one. Try to look at this as taking control of the situation. It can be very empowering.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 My advice is to be strong. Above all else DO NOT fall apart or cry. I have a nervous habit of crying in stressful sitautions. I really have to keep it in check becasue guys can't handle it and will say anything to make it stop. You don't want him making promises out of guilt or obligation. Yes, I know this. I fell apart ona previous occasion and he was ready to say or do anything just to get me to stop crying. I will definitely keep that in check. And lastly, expect nothing in return. If you walk into it hoping he'll declare his undying love to you, you'll be disspointed and it won't end the way you want it to. Make your intentions known and then tell him you want him to really think about what he wants and he can contact you if he would like to continue dating you. At that point I would say good bye in a friendly manner and leave. Don't be upset if he doesn't chase after you. He will probably need time to digest what you have said. Really? Since we've had this conversation inthe past, albeit without closure, and he knows that we're about to have it again, is it still unreasonable to think that he won't have an answer then but will need yet more time to think? I don't want to rush him but on the other hand it seems to me that we've been dancing this dance for a long time. It seems time enough to stop. I can only see this as a win/win situation. Either you'll find out that he really does want to be with you and you'll be able to clear up your misunderstandings or you'll have closure on the situation and know that he just isn't the one. Try to look at this as taking control of the situation. It can be very empowering. I hope you are right. This one really has a hold on me in a way no one has in quite some time.
GregsBad Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Yes, I know this. I fell apart ona previous occasion and he was ready to say or do anything just to get me to stop crying. I will definitely keep that in check. Wait! Maybe you're on to something here ... you could cry I'd instinctively hug you! With your feelings boiling as they are ... you'll have a look in your eyes ... If he misses that ... then he's not for you. BTW I replied in your other thread before I found you here. I probably shouldn't write it all again here. But I think you should go for it ... risk a flame out ... take the gamble. You'll learn something in the process and learn a little more of the woman power that you have. You're the cat ... he's the crippled mouse! Why am I helping the other team?
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Ok, I did it. I don't think I used the exact method Greg suggested but something fairly close. I just told him he'd been giving me mixed messages and to cut it out. Decide whether he wants this or not and to let me know. I went to leave after saying that but he didn't let me. I think he was actually mustering the strength for an "I love you" (which would have really shocked me)... unless you think it's natural for someone to interrupt passionate pre-sex kissing to say "I love.... your humor." LOL! So far, so good. But the proof will be in the pudding, i.e., will he start taking the lead and not go though another cold spell. But today was lovely. Thank you to all who helped. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
GregsBad Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Ok, I did it. I don't think I used the exact method Greg suggested but something fairly close. I just told him he'd been giving me mixed messages and to cut it out. Decide whether he wants this or not and to let me know. I went to leave after saying that but he didn't let me. I think he was actually mustering the strength for an "I love you" (which would have really shocked me)... unless you think it's natural for someone to interrupt passionate pre-sex kissing to say "I love.... your humor." LOL! So far, so good. But the proof will be in the pudding, i.e., will he start taking the lead and not go though another cold spell. But today was lovely. Thank you to all who helped. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'll be checking in to see how it goes.
annabelle75 Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Ok, I did it. I don't think I used the exact method Greg suggested but something fairly close. I just told him he'd been giving me mixed messages and to cut it out. Decide whether he wants this or not and to let me know. I went to leave after saying that but he didn't let me. I think he was actually mustering the strength for an "I love you" (which would have really shocked me)... unless you think it's natural for someone to interrupt passionate pre-sex kissing to say "I love.... your humor." LOL! So far, so good. But the proof will be in the pudding, i.e., will he start taking the lead and not go though another cold spell. But today was lovely. Thank you to all who helped. Keep your fingers crossed for me. NICE !!! I'll be looking for update sin the future. I hope he proves himself.
Author StartingOver07 Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 So we had our Sunday and it was nice. We then hung out at his place on the following Tuesday (last Tuesday) and watched a movie. I invited him to the watch the movie (it was one I'd rented), he suggested the day. To my surprise, he asked if he could see me Thursday. He told me it was because he was going away from Friday until Monday so he wouldn't be seeing me over the weekend. I thought this was somewhat promising. Thursday night he called and cancelled because he was sick. I believe he was sick (i could hear it in his voice). He told me he'd "touch base" with me over the weekend. On Friday, he sent an email from work (he hadn't left yet) telling me he felt awful and that if he didn't die over the weekend, he'd see me next week. He hasn't called and he comes back tomorrow, although I don't know when. Odds are, I will get an email from him Tuesday morning when he's back at work. He doesn't have a computer at home so, if he doesn't call, his only other choice is to email from work. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to have called me at some point over the weekend? He's visiting his family and so I wasn't expecting a long conversation, but I thought a 5-minute call to let me know he's thinking about me might have been in the cards. Then I think, maybe he's busy, maybe he's sick. But my biggest worry is: maybe we are just headed back to where we've been so many times before. Thoughts?
Walk Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Does he have a cell phone? Just curious.. I would feel wrong calling my bf long distance on my parents phone while I was specifically there to spend time with them. I got the impression that he wasn't planning on calling you over the weekend. He said said he would see you next week. Letting you know that he does intend to reconnect with you after the weekend, but probably not going to be available to talk over the weekend. I think if you expected a call from him, then you probably should have asked for one before he left. I think you have every right to be a bit concerned about his actions and what they might be saying, but on this one... I think you're over reacting.
GregsBad Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I think you've given him enough chances, even a jump start. He might like you and all that, but he sounds like a big blow up doll filled with cooked oatmeal. He sounds boring compared to you. You need someone exciting who would have made all the first right moves, or then responded better to your gambit. I vote for - hold out for better - you deserve it.
Author StartingOver07 Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 Does he have a cell phone? Just curious.. I would feel wrong calling my bf long distance on my parents phone while I was specifically there to spend time with them. Yeah, he has a cell phone. He's a grown man (in his 50's) and he's visiting his son and his wife and child. He's got the means... it's the motivation he lacks, I'm afraid.
Author StartingOver07 Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 I think you've given him enough chances, even a jump start. He might like you and all that, but he sounds like a big blow up doll filled with cooked oatmeal. He sounds boring compared to you. You need someone exciting who would have made all the first right moves, or then responded better to your gambit. I vote for - hold out for better - you deserve it. I know you're right. When I think about this, I can see so many reasons why there is nothing to keep me with him. But my heart is irrationally attached. I need an un-love potion.
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 A guy that blows hot and cold has issues. Whether it's a power game, disinterest or whatever, they're usually not worth the heartbreak. You have to remember though that if you put the ball in his court, you gave him wide-open skies to react without any real assurances that he would act in the manner that you wish. If you have the opportunity to discuss things with him again, set some clear guidelines of what you want but get him to discuss his side of the issues. Ask him why he's blowing hot and cold. It's not worth it for one party to lay it all on the line without knowing the other side's issues and then sitting back and waiting for him to meet something he maybe unable to do for a number of reasons, some of which even he is unaware of.
Recommended Posts