hpnutter Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Hi! I've posted on here before as a guest but figured I may as well register as I use the forums quite a bit! The thing is I'm really confused about the way I feel and could use other people's opinions and experiences. I'll try to be succint! I'm nearly 21 and in my first relationship. We've been together for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend is 38. I never expected to get into a relationship with someone so much older but it just happened and we have a lot in common and get on very well. I've posted on these forums before because for the last 6 months I've been really struggling with retrospective jealousy, mainly over his last two girlfriends. It's not as bad as it was and I have recently started counselling to help me get over it, but it is constantly there and sometimes gets really bad. This post is really because I'm confused about my feelings- whether I want to stay or want to leave. I do love him and I know he loves me- he often talks about a future with me in and marriage etc. There are times when I'm not feeling jealous or insecure and just feel love for him and want to stay forever. Then when I get jealous or spend some time away from him I get doubts. The other day I found photos of him and his ex who really bothers me and I got upset. He agreed to shred them. I felt really guilty about asking him to get rid of them although he reassured me and said I should know him well enough by now to know he'd never do someone he didnt want to. Part of me however felt glad because I've been struggling with this jealousy for 6 months and have been depressed about it, it wears me down sometimes and I am trying to deal with it, and this is the first time he's had to do anything to try and help. However, I felt more guilty because I dont know that I can keep going with this relationship if I cant deal with the jealousy and I'd feel awful if I'd made him destroy his photographs only to turn around and say I was leaving because I'm too immature to deal with his past. I just do not want to spend the rest of my life getting upset because he's my one and only and there were several others in his life before me. I think a large part of it is that I'm just about to finish uni and I feel really unsettled. I hate change and I have loads of big decisions ahead of me that I feel are pressuring me into making or breaking commitments. Basically the main thing is I have to choose where to live- I can stay in my uni town and live with him, but that is such a big commitment, at the same time it both pleases and terrifies me. Or if I go elsewhere I face disappointing him and possibly suggesting that our relationship wont last. I feel like I'm practically having to decide here and now whether I'm going to marry him or not. If I stay here and move in with him, its like I've agreed to stay forever, which is what he wants and may be what I want but I cant tell. I love him and dont want to waste our relationship, but I also dont want to wake up in 10 years and wish I'd dated around instead of sticking to the very first guy I met. I also wonder whether the jealousy I feel about his exes is also due in part to envy- I never got to play the field or try other people. I just dont want to waste his time if he wants marriage and I dont, especially as he is so much older than me, and I truly cant bear to hurt him, especially when he's doing everything he can to prove his love to me. I really love him and he is my best friend but I feel so pressured and am not sure what I want. I'm scared to leave him only to find out that he really was the best and that I was lucky enough to find my perfect guy straight away without having to waste my time on other guys and have my heart broken. How do you figure out what you want? How do you know if you truly do want to break up? Is it just because of the pressure and the change that I am feeling unsure? I have no other experience, no teen romance or anything to give me a clue, please help me!
ocset Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 I was in a very simular situation, I was 21 when I first dated, it didnt last for long but we stayed good friends. Then when I was 26 I had my first serious relationship. As it happened when I had doubts, I didnt know what to do - I didnt want to hurt her and she was the only girl to ever express any interest in me, would i find someone else??? As time went on things got worse, but i was harder to end it. Finally (and thankfully) I did end it, and Yes it was difficult, but it was the best thing I could have done. I wish I had done it 15months before hand. Like you I had my doubts about not dating others and was at a crossroads. I'm not saying that you should break up with him, but you do need to figure out what you want (eaiser said than done). Maybe take a short hol away from him, and have a think and feel what its like without him. I wouldnt say play the field as that would be something I think you would regret if you do decide to continue. Good luck
JaneInVegas Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 When I was 20 I hooked up with a guy who was 42. I was crazy jealous over his ex's, and looking back I realize how immature I was. The relationship fizzled out in about a year, but jealous feelings aside, I'm glad for that experience, I learned a lot about life from Jim. You're in a somewhat bad situation, because you have jealousy issues, and you care about someone who has a past. Someone his age most certainly has ex's. Some women your age can handle it, a lot of others can't. You should never expect him to shred old pictures. I can tell you're not doing this to be mean or spiteful, but would you like it if someone asked you to shred a picture of the guy who took you to the prom? I'm not trying to cap on you sweetie, really I'm not, but you do have to be able to put things into perspective. You need to temporarily put your feelings for this guy to the side, and concentrate on whether or not you can conquer the jealous feelings you have. Life is too short for both of you to be unhappy. I know you're obviously crazy about the guy, but maybe you'd be better off with someone younger who has never had serious committed relationships. Good luck to you!
green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I also struggle with these feelings of retrospective jealousy. I know exactly how you feel, and I'm nearly twice your age! So it's not just an immaturity thing. What I can tell you, from the benefit of my maturity and the mistakes I've made, is that you're probably going to struggle with this issue in other relationships too. I don't think I've *ever* had a relationship where this hasn't been an issue for me. It could be a self-esteem issue or a lack of trust, but whatever it is, good on you for getting professional help. That's the way to go, because few people really 'get' the whole retrospective jealousy thing.
Author hpnutter Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Green eyed, did the fact that you yourself had a past not help to put things into perspective? How can you get over it? I cant stand the idea that I may never get rid of these feelings, no matter who I'm with, whether my current boyfriend or someone else. Things have been going better this last week or so, but today little feelings of jealousy have been popping up. I've decided to go home for the summer because I'm going to Greece in July and Japan in September and I really need to save money, it'll definately be cheaper to go home than get my own place or stay with my boyfriend. I'm hoping that maybe the time apart will help me get my head sorted. I'm going with him and some other people to Japan and when I get back I really need to know whether I want to move in with him or back to that area at all or just move on. We were apart for the summer last year and it was fine, I felt no jealousy at all and we managed to keep the relationship working. I think a large part of the jealousy is low self-esteem. I cant help but compare myself to his last two girlfriends, especially cos he's obsessed with all things oriental, especially Japan, has been since he was 6. His last girlfriend was Korean, and obviously thats completely different from Japan but its still oriental and I'm not at all, he's not interested in my culture or language or anything (I'm half english half greek). He says he doesnt compare me to anyone but I cant help it, I do it all the time with everything, I always have compared myself to other people my whole life. It just really bothers me that he's been with other people, especially sexually, although I know it shouldnt and even if i'd gone out with someone my own age they probably would have had exes. It may be stupid, but I kinda feel angry that he expects that its fine for him to have had sex with loads of people in the past and me to only ever know him. I'm fine with not having a massive list of sexual partners, I dont care, I dont need it and quite frankly dont really want it, but I wish that he hadnt either. If I stay with him, I'd never cheat and he'd be the only man in my life for my whole life, whereas I would continually have to cope with and accept that he's been with others, that he was able to have fun with other women than me, that he was able to be turned on and pleasured by others and those memories are in his head. I feel selfish for feeling this but I cant help it, I want him all to myself. If he's my one and only, then he's incredibly special, the only guy to ever get this close to me, know me so well and also be sexual with me- but I dont feel like I can be all that special when he's done it all with several other people than me. It's just all the same things all over again only with someone else. I cant do anything with him thats new or that he cant say yeah I did it with this other girl once and I liked it/hated it. I just dont want to struggle with it anymore. I wish I could just flip a switch and turn it off forever! I really feel like it could be a deciding factor in whether I end up staying or leaving, but I hate to think that I could leave an otherwise great relationship just to get involved with someone else and start the jealousy all over again. And by the way, I felt SOOO bad about the photos thing, I was so ashamed I couldnt even tell my counsellor about it. But although he said he never looked at them, they were in the bedroom, a couple of feet away from where I've slept and it would have driven me crazy having photos of my boyfriend with his arms around another girl with a big happy grin on his face because he was with her so close to where I sleep. I feel bad still, but surely if his relationship with her had ended and he's dated me a lot longer and still is, I should be more important than her? I just dont want to be a crazy psycho jealous bitch! Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd never got involved but had dated someone my own age who wouldnt have had nearly so much history, then I'd never have got so close to him and be in this dilemma. The thing is, I still care so much, I love spending time with him, I miss him so easily when he's not around. We have reached the stage where the honeymoon period's over and we argue more and get annoyed with each other more, but we're still really close and I can talk to him so easily about anything. I can even talk to him about my jealousy cos he experienced it too when he first started dating so is really understanding. It just seems so stupid to let women who arnt even in his life anymore get to me so much and threaten our relationship. I wish I could erase both our knowledge about them so neither of us would ever think about them or care. Thanks for reading this, I know its long, and thanks for your input too.
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