My not so happily ever after...kind of long

[lawyer83]

I'd like to apologize in advance for the length of this diatribe. I have always been a very prolific writer, and I can't seem to help myself.

 

I am seriously considering breaking my engagement with my fiance.

For those of you interested there are a few background posts on the OW thread.

But the issue right now is that I am fed up with overlooking everything he does. I'm tired of pretending that I agree with everything he says and does, and I have felt powerless. For the duration of our relationship he has been very controlling, and I have allowed it because I didn't want to have to break-up with him. I mean I can't even wear my hair how I want because he has an opinion on that. I'm African-American with natural hair, and he discourages me from getting my hair pressed or coloring it because in his words "straight hair is white girl hair." This coming from a white guy. Maybe the hair thing isn't that major, but there are numerous other examples. Five examples of him being manipulative are listed below.me:

1. I can't get a tattoo (not that I want one) because then he would have to rethink the kind of person he was in a relationship with.

2. We can't have a pet because a pet is a deal-breaker in his opinion.

3. I can't go to the grocery store on my own without him commenting about how I must have won the lottery. He likes for us to shop together so that he can pay for everything.

4. I can't wash dishes anymore because "it's seems like it's easier for him to do it," and "I use too much water." I can admit that I am a bit of a clutz, but I'd only broken 2 things in a 1 year time period; and I replaced both things.

5. 6 weeks ago I had to get an abortion because he wasn't ready for kids. He's 38. When we first got engaged he told me that he wanted children. Hell, we even picked out names, but when we accidentally got pregnant he didn't want the baby. Anything other than abortion was simply not up for discussion. This guy did his best to show me how displeased with me he would have been had I chosen to keep the baby.

And, he wouldn't even consider the idea of adoption. When I broached the topic of adoption he got this stricken look upon his face like he was going to be ill. He told me again, and again that I didn't have the right to make him a father without his consent because then he'd be responsible too. We had a lot of heated arguments about this, but eventually I caved in and did what he felt was best. Now I regret my decision, and I resent him so much. I feel like a total idiot, and every time I see him around kids I want to scream at him. I totally plan on working on my apparent need for approval because he couldn't hold this kind of power over me if I didn't let him.

6. When I wanted to discuss birth control after the abortion he suggested that we abstain from sex. The rationale behind his suggestion was that that any sex could result in an unwanted pregnancy, and we already knew that I couldn't be trusted to make the right decision (i.e. have another abortion) Therefore, since he wasn't about to have a vasectomy the only other choices I have are to get an IUD, or forgo sex with him. I had been on birth control for over a year when I got pregnant. Since the abortion, he also seems to think that I am pro-life. I have always been pro-choice, but because I thought about keeping the baby when I was pregnant he now considers me to be a pro-lifer. Apparently, pro-choice doesn't include the right to choose to carry a pregnancy to term.

 

He's also very clingy. Every time we go somewhere, we have to hold hands. I don't know if it's a sign of ownership to him, or what; but if I don't want to hold his hand he gets upset and acts hurt.

 

I also think that he cheated on me last year because one of his condoms went missing last spring, and this was after I had gone on birth control.

I went on birth control for him because he didn't like to wear condoms. The first time we had unprotected sex b/f birth control he told me that all of his condoms had expired, later on when I checked I found out that he had been lying because he didn't want to wear condoms. I know that I could have, but I chose not to make a big deal about the lie.. When the condom went missing last spring I didn't say a word about that either.

I feel like I have been acting like a contortionist, bending myself every which way just to keep this relationship going. I'm not dumb, although, you probably won't agree based on what I've written here. I consider myself to have been a fool for love, and now I just want it to be over.

I want to be free. I want my life back. So how does one break off a 2 year, live-in relationship?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[sb129]

You have done the hardest part, and that is realising the R is unhealthy and going nowhere.

Now you need to extricate yourself from his life as quickly as possible so you can start No Contact, because once you leave he WILL try to get you back using every manipulative controlling trick in the book.

[norajane]

Wow, I have no idea how you lasted this long in this relationship - what a jerk!!

 

To get out:

 

- find an apartment and sign a lease

- arrange for movers/friends to help you move out

- when it gets close to your move date, tell your fiance you don't believe you are right for each other and want to end your engagement - make sure you have someplace to go that night in case he gets angry and out of control

- move out

 

If you are afraid of his reaction, you may want to plan the move date for a time when he will be at work and just do it. Then tell him you are ending things.

[Tomcat33]

My suggestion is that you should have posted this in another section. What does this have to do with being and OW/OM? Are you contemplating on cheating?

 

Are you a lot younger than your man? he sounds like a complete nightmare. It's only going to get worse once he marries you, he will think he "owns" you and then you will NEVER be free from his abuse. Good call on having second thoughts..

[lawyer83]

It's in the OW/OM category because I was once the OW. He and his wife were separated, and living in different states when I first met him. He filed for divorce, and proposed to me a month after it was final. So although I am not technically an other woman anymore, I was one when this relationship started. I was an OW for the first year of our relationship, b/c that's how long it took for his ex to sign the paperwork.

[lawyer83]

I think he knows that I'm about to break-up with him.

This morning he offered to pay off all of my school loans, if I agreed to give up my job and move out of the country with him. He's been planning a move to the U.K. for the past 6 months.

[Impudent Oyster]

This guy is a major control freak, get out before it's too late.

 

Just tell him what you've told us, that he's controlling everything you do and even how you look, and that it's not acceptable, then go.

[sb129]

He is trying to buy you. Do NOT move to the UK with him. Moving to a foreign country is bad enough without having to deal with a nutcase for a partner, and you won't have a support network.

 

You just gave me a vision as to what my life might have been like if I had stayed with my exMM.

 

 

Fingers crossed yours moves to the UK without you.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think he knows that I'm about to break-up with him.

This morning he offered to pay off all of my school loans, if I agreed to give up my job and move out of the country with him. He's been planning a move to the U.K. for the past 6 months.

 

I don't even know why you are here posting about this...you should be moving your stuff as we speak...

[Tomcat33]

It's in the OW/OM category because I was once the OW. He and his wife were separated, and living in different states when I first met him. He filed for divorce, and proposed to me a month after it was final. So although I am not technically an other woman anymore, I was one when this relationship started. I was an OW for the first year of our relationship, b/c that's how long it took for his ex to sign the paperwork.

 

 

Oh I see. Thnaks for the explanation

[lawyer83]

Thank you all, especially those of you who were supportive. I am not moving out of the county with him. Right now I am in the process of finding a new place. I plan on telling him that it is over on the day of my move. I don't know if I should even attempt to discuss our problems before then as he is not very receptive to those types of conversations. I have known that this relationship was unhealthy for a while now, but I kept pretending for him. I have also asked him to go to counseling with me numerous times within the past year, but he told me that he didn't think that he was the one with the problem. He kept putting it all on me. So, now I'm off to deal with my problems. He can be perfect all by himself because I'm done trying to please him.

 

Although I don't think that he is going to turn violent when he finds out, I really don't know how he will react to the fact that I'm moving out. I feel very bad about this. He already has low self-esteem, and I don't want him to hate me, but I know that I can't stay in this relationship. If I stay, then I'll have to become someone who I hate and I'll have to keep pretending that things are fine when they aren't.

[movinon05]

You can feel bad for him all you want, but you would feel worse if you stayed. There comes a time when you have to put yourself and your needs first. This is definitely one of them.

[justagirliegirl]

He sounds terrible!

 

You don't know if he will become violent or not so it is probably best to protect yourself as if he were.

 

I would find a place and arrange to have everything and I mean everything that is yours moved while he is gone at work.

 

Then if you feel like discussing the situation afterwards you can do so without worry of being locked out, your items held hostage, or other such nonsense.

 

Good luck!

[polywog]

I agree with justagirliegirl. I think he could get scary from how you've described him. Good Luck with it all.

[4whatItsWorth]

Its great to hear that you will soon have found a place to move on! Best of luck to find a guy who isn't a control freak! (No wonder his wife signed the papers...hope she finds someone better too!)

[scaredinlove]

I felt bad about may exH when we broke up ,but after being on my own for 7 months I feel great!!!!!.The guilty will stop when you realized you are better off on your own.

 

What I learned latelly is that "WE should not try to make other people happy we should be happy with them!".If you have to sacrifice yourself that much than it is times to leave. To do a little sacrifice in a relationship is OK, but it has to be meet half way. Use this as a experience and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve. Good Luck and stay safe!

[sb129]

I have known that this relationship was unhealthy for a while now, but I kept pretending for him. I have also asked him to go to counseling with me numerous times within the past year, but he told me that he didn't think that he was the one with the problem. He kept putting it all on me. So, now I'm off to deal with my problems. He can be perfect all by himself because I'm done trying to please him.

He already has low self-esteem, and I don't want him to hate me, but I know that I can't stay in this relationship. If I stay, then I'll have to become someone who I hate and I'll have to keep pretending that things are fine when they aren't.

 

Lawyer, that statement is word for word how I was last year.

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

Getting out was the best move I ever made.

My life has been nothing but moving on up since....

 

Good luck!

[NoIDidn't]

Lawyer83

 

I don't know how you stayed as long as you did. That's my biggest problem with MM and cheaters in general. They set you up to be something you are not, all to make them happy.

 

If he is that controlling, I wouldn't tell him where I was moving to. Don't do any of the calls for the movers from the home phone. Do it at work if you can. These kinds of guys "snap", if you know what I mean.

 

But don't waste any more time. Hire the movers now. They will be ready to snap to action once you have found a place.

[lawyer83]

Thanks for your support again. I like really need it right now.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still love him. A part of me wants to try and stay and work things out, but I know that we're beyond that point now. I keep feeling bad about all of this. I don't like lying to him. I want to tell him that it is over; but I feel that I have to be smart about all of this.

This morning he asked me if I was happy with him. He said that lately he feels like he has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now I know why he's been on his best behavior lately. Even though he's been trying, it's just too little too late. Should I still wait until I find a place to let him know?

 

Just this morning he told me that my hair wasn't long enough yet. He said this while on his best behavior. He totally has a hair fetish for black women with natural hair. His T.V. crush is Rachel True, and he admits that it's just her hair. So, he's been encouraging me to grow mine out for the past year, and this morning he actually said that it (my hair) was almost long enough. Apparently, pretty soon my hair will be cute enough to compete with Rachel's. W.T.F.?

[NoIDidn't]

lawyer83

 

As another black woman with natural hair, I feel you. My hair is down my back before I press it, so even natural its pretty long. But if my H constantly hounded me about my hair in comparison to his TV fantasy woman, he'd be sleeping on the couch or in his car!!!

 

He feels you pulling away from him. I will give him a week before he is telling you that he is sorry about the abortion. He needs you around for his own ego and support. I don't know if you ever got to know his previous W, but I bet she would tell you of similar stories.

 

I say, leave him BUT if you really love him and want to be with him tell him why you are leaving him and if he has a chance to make things right. Honestly. Not to string him along or make him jump through hoops because of your resentment for things in the past.

 

And you don't have to lie to him. Tell him the truth from a distance. Make sure you have the things that you really like and want out of the shared residence (shoes, clothes, purses, hair products - we natural gals NEED those). Eventually you will need to face him. Leave him with some dignity intact for both of you (you with yours, and him with his).

 

Sometimes this is what it comes down to.

[lawyer83]

NOIDIDNT,

 

You give sound advice. I'm moving either way. What I was asking is if it would be better just to tell him now, or to wait until I've moved. I feel like I'm lying to him because it's like I'm still pretending that everything is okay. But, we both know that things aren't right. I do love him, and I wish that I could be with him. I wish that things were different, that we were both different...but we're not. We each have a lot of work to do before we can have a healthy relationship with each other, or with other partners. I plan on seeing a therapist and working on my issues for myself. I'm kind of hoping that my main problem is that I have bad taste in men. =)

[NoIDidn't]

lawyer83

 

Its good that you are looking for a therapist. It will help you in ways far beyond the type of men that you have dated.

 

I just wanted to say that I am sorry about the abortion. I just get the sense that that really bothers you. Please tell the therapist about it. I hope this doesn't change the nature of your thread. It just seems like you are having a hard time with him because of it too and that the rest is compounding those feelings.

 

I don't know if you have an EAP with your employer, but if you do they have 24 hour hotlines that you can call when you need that in-the-moment clarity. I have advised many of my personal friends to use theirs and they were helped greatly in those odd times when you just don't want to tell your friends *everything* that's on your mind. Plus its completely confidential and nonjudgmental.

 

I don't mean to assume anything. So I apologize if my assumptions offended.

[lawyer83]

You didn't misjudge me at all NOYOUDIDNT.

I think that if I hadn't had the abortion, I might have put up with his behavior indefinitely. Things have been different for me ever since the procedure. I realized how out of control I am because I'm the one who did it. I didn't want to. I even told myself that I wouldn't, but I went through with it anyway. I had the procedure for all the wrong reasons. He was so unhappy about the pregnancy, and he made certain that I knew that he didn't want a child. When I asked him how he could reject his own child when he was still helping his ex-wife support her daughter, he said "it wasn't like he was bearing the full brunt of financial responsibility for supporting her daughter." He also said that "I didn't have the right to make him a father before he was ready," and that "I couldn't make this decision for the both of us because then he would have to be responsible too." (Those were his exact words.)

I asked him how he could ask me to do this to our baby when he was always coming up to me to tell me about how he'd seen someone who looked mixed, the way our children would probably look. He would often come home and say "I saw the cutest mixed kid today. He/She was so cute, just the way our kids will look." I asked him what had changed because during our first six months together we had picked out names for our children. He wanted the first one to be a girl. He responded to these questions by telling me that he enjoyed the pretense. He said that lots of people like to fantasize about what it would be like to have kids with the person they love. The only problem with all of this was that I hadn't realized he was just pretending with me. I guess I must be daft because I thought that we were really making plans for the future. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, I thought that we were going to make the most of the situation; bad timing and all.

 

Yet, when it came down to it, I ended up having an abortion to make him happy. Now I'm dealing with the reality of the situation. I've been thinking about what kind of person all of this makes me. I'm not so much concerned with what other people think, I'm more concerned with how this makes me look to myself. And, yes, I admit that he is a complete jerk; but right now I'm more concerned about the direction my own life is taking. It's like I realize how short life is, and I don't want to take it for granted. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable, and cowardly. I want to learn how much is too much to sacrifice for the one you love. somehow I think I missed that lesson. Hell, I put my whole life on hold for him. I was going to move to a foreign country with this man, and put all of my plans on hold. I didn't apply to graduate school here in the states because I wanted to be with him. I put everything else on the shelf to build a life with him, and now I don't think that any life I could have with him would be worth having.

 

Sorry, I know that my emotions come out when I write.

I just read this and I think that it's completely raw.

[NoIDidn't]

I am so sorry. Don't apologize for your raw emotions though. It helps to get them out. Holding them in will only make you numb.

 

If you can, do think of calling a hotline. What you are feeling is not out of the ordinary or wrong. They will be able to tell you that and more.

 

Again, I only wrote about it because you sounded like you were hurting and trying to hold it in.

 

I am so sorry to see that you are in pain. I mean it.

 

(((((((((lawyer83)))))))) Hugs.

[lawyer83]

Thanks.

 

Do you have the number to any hotlines?