lawyer83 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I am seriously considering breaking my engagement with my fiance. For those of you interested there are a few background posts on the OW thread. But the issue right now is that I am fed up with overlooking everything he does. I'm tired of pretending that I agree with everything he says and does, and I have felt powerless. For the duration of our relationship he has been very controlling, and I have allowed it because I didn't want to have to break-up with him. I mean I can't even wear my hair how I want because he has an opinion on that. I'm African-American with natural hair, and he discourages me from getting my hair pressed or coloring it because in his words "straight hair is white girl hair." This coming from a white guy. Maybe the hair thing isn't that major, but there are numerous other examples. Five examples of him being manipulative are listed below.me: 1. I can't get a tattoo (not that I want one) because then he would have to rethink the kind of person he was in a relationship with. 2. We can't have a pet because a pet is a deal-breaker in his opinion. 3. I can't go to the grocery store on my own without him commenting about how I must have won the lottery. He likes for us to shop together so that he can pay for everything. 4. I can't wash dishes anymore because "it's seems like it's easier for him to do it," and "I use too much water." I can admit that I am a bit of a clutz, but I'd only broken 2 things in a 1 year time period; and I replaced both things. 5. 6 weeks ago I had to get an abortion because he wasn't ready for kids. He's 38. When we first got engaged he told me that he wanted children. Hell, we even picked out names, but when we accidentally got pregnant he didn't want the baby. Anything other than abortion was simply not up for discussion. This guy did his best to show me how displeased with me he would have been had I chosen to keep the baby. And, he wouldn't even consider the idea of adoption. When I broached the topic of adoption he got this stricken look upon his face like he was going to be ill. He told me again, and again that I didn't have the right to make him a father without his consent because then he'd be responsible too. We had a lot of heated arguments about this, but eventually I caved in and did what he felt was best. Now I regret my decision, and I resent him so much. I feel like a total idiot, and every time I see him around kids I want to scream at him. I totally plan on working on my apparent need for approval because he couldn't hold this kind of power over me if I didn't let him. 6. When I wanted to discuss birth control after the abortion he suggested that we abstain from sex. The rationale behind his suggestion was that that any sex could result in an unwanted pregnancy, and we already knew that I couldn't be trusted to make the right decision (i.e. have another abortion) Therefore, since he wasn't about to have a vasectomy the only other choices I have are to get an IUD, or forgo sex with him. I had been on birth control for over a year when I got pregnant. Since the abortion, he also seems to think that I am pro-life. I have always been pro-choice, but because I thought about keeping the baby when I was pregnant he now considers me to be a pro-lifer. Apparently, pro-choice doesn't include the right to choose to carry a pregnancy to term. He's also very clingy. Every time we go somewhere, we have to hold hands. I don't know if it's a sign of ownership to him, or what; but if I don't want to hold his hand he gets upset and acts hurt. I also think that he cheated on me last year because one of his condoms went missing last spring, and this was after I had gone on birth control. I went on birth control for him because he didn't like to wear condoms. The first time we had unprotected sex b/f birth control he told me that all of his condoms had expired, later on when I checked I found out that he had been lying because he didn't want to wear condoms. I know that I could have, but I chose not to make a big deal about the lie.. When the condom went missing last spring I didn't say a word about that either. I feel like I have been acting like a contortionist, bending myself every which way just to keep this relationship going. I'm not dumb, although, you probably won't agree based on what I've written here. I consider myself to have been a fool for love, and now I just want it to be over. I want to be free. I want my life back. So how does one break off a 2 year, live-in relationship? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
curiousnycgirl Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I think it is wonderful you are rethinking this relationship before it goes further. First of all about his being controlling - you have allowed that, and now you want to change the rules. You have every right to change the rules, but you need to understand that he may not want to accept that. Best to have this reality check before you marry him. If you are feeling resentment, and suspicious of him now - I really don't think it will get any better once you are married. Sounds to me like you will feel trapped. You need to think about whether or not you can get over the fact that you felt forced to have an abortion (I don't know that anyone can force this - but I understand your perspective) - if you can't get over it then you will allow this to grow to all proportions. You also need to think really hard about why you allowed him to have total control, while you gave up all of yours. As you said, he did not do this alone - you let it happen. If I were in your shoes - I don't think I would have the courage you are showing to even think about ending the engagement - however since you are (and therefore much stronger than I am) - I have to tell you - from the limited amount you posted, I think you need to end the engagement go NC and take a hard look at yourself before starting anything new (or returning to the old) Best of luck to you
riobikini Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 re: lawyer83: " I want to be free. I want my life back. So how does one break off a 2 year, live-in relationship? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated." Makes me wonder about your chosen screen-name -makes me wonder what you learned as a lawyer..... Anyway, -you asked, so here goes in the simplest, most succinct way I can muster: Just step out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; You don't have to be coy, Roy -just set yo'self free.... (Words of a song from eons ago.) But great advice, if you're not paying for it. (Smile) -Rio
Author lawyer83 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I think he knows that I'm about to break-up with him. This morning he offered to pay off all of my school loans, if I agreed to give up my job and move out of the country with him. He's been planning a move to the U.K. for the past 6 months.
Sheba Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 If the poster is a lawyer, she knows what her legal rights are - therefore I wonder if she is really certain she wants to be free of this man. lawyer - you want to be free of this man. He is far too controlling, and I think it will only get worse. His about face on the children thing alone is enough to make me feel you two are not suited for one another. His proposal that you have "no sex" as birth control is, in my view, ridiculous. Get out, get out now. Pack your bags and move to a friend's or back home temporarily. Tell him that you and several large male friends/ relatives are coming to get larger items on a specific date and he can choose to be there or not. Be kind but firm. Just go.
Author lawyer83 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 lawyer83 is just my screen name. I'm not a lawyer. Not even in law school.
riobikini Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Okey-doakey. But the advice remains the *same*. -Rio
Author lawyer83 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Thanks Rio. I probably needed a bit of tough love. I had been acting like I'd gone completely insane.
Sheba Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Speaking as a person with great fondness for many lawyers, it is hard for me to understand why someone would choose "lawyer" as their screen name - it is probably the most maligned profession, second only to taxman. In any case, I don't think you need to be a lawyer or to speak with one if it is merely a common law relationship with no joint assets or debts. You should be able to part company easily, taking with you only what belongs to you. If you have joint accounts, credit cards or property, you may need some help sorting those out. In any case, you can sort financial details out from another address. Get away from this man. He sounds sort of scary to me. Think "Sleeping With The Enemy" if you are old enough to have seen this movie.
LakesideDream Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Wow, there must really be an advantage to being an old fart! I can see from your post that you have identified way to many problems in your relationship to even consider marriage. When you look at a sea of red flags, with one yellow one in the center, do you ignore the red flags and consentrate on how appealing the single yellow one is? No person will undergo a complete personality change once married. What you see is what you get. From where I sit (behind my keyboard) it doesen't appear you are getting much from this relationship.
progressioncity Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I'd advise you not to move to another country with this person. It's bad enough on your home turf but trust me, once you're overseas you will have no support system and it is HARD. Good luck, this sounds like a tough one.
sb129 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 If the poster is a lawyer, she knows what her legal rights are - therefore I wonder if she is really certain she wants to be free of this man. lawyer - you want to be free of this man. He is far too controlling, and I think it will only get worse. His about face on the children thing alone is enough to make me feel you two are not suited for one another. His proposal that you have "no sex" as birth control is, in my view, ridiculous. Get out, get out now. Pack your bags and move to a friend's or back home temporarily. Tell him that you and several large male friends/ relatives are coming to get larger items on a specific date and he can choose to be there or not. Be kind but firm. Just go. Sheba is right. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to go. When you are liberated you will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders... Your story is similar to how mine was last year. I got out, and never looked back.
Bree Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I understand completely what your going through and i'm sorry your having to deal with his horrible behavior. I know you wanted that baby and i'm sorry you felt you had to give it up, one good thing though at least he won't be father when you do have a baby at least i hope not. anyway get out while you can and if you can't right now then save until you can!
Author lawyer83 Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 Thank you all, especially those of you who were supportive. I am not moving out of the county with him. Right now I am in the process of finding a new place. I plan on telling him that it is over on the day of my move. I don't know if I should even attempt to discuss our problems before then as he is not very receptive to those types of conversations. I have known that this relationship was unhealthy for a while now, but I kept pretending for him. I have also asked him to go to counseling with me numerous times within the past year, but he told me that he didn't think that he was the one with the problem. He kept putting it all on me. So, now I'm off to deal with my problems. He can be perfect all by himself because I'm done trying to please him. Although I don't think that he is going to turn violent when he finds out, I really don't know how he will react to the fact that I'm moving out. I feel very bad about this. He already has low self-esteem, and I don't want him to hate me, but I know that I can't stay in this relationship. If I stay, then I'll have to become someone who I hate and I'll have to keep pretending that things are fine when they aren't.
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