how could they do this to me?

[jcster]

Do you have any female friends? You haven't mentioned one yet. If not, get some.

 

Amen to that. I spent a lot of years not having many female friends - and it showed. Once I made and started hanging out with the girls, my self-esteem rose 100%. Your girlfriends have been there too, and you'll be able to vent about this loser with people who've been there and understand.

[my body is a cage]

Do you have any female friends? You haven't mentioned one yet. If not, get some.

 

Hahaha, I do in fact have MANY female friends, believe me, and most of them are intimidated (and with good reason, I suppose) by his crowd. I have a lot of friends in a lot of different crowds, but the last few months I've been hanging out with this crowd almost everyday...

 

Yesterday I went sake bombing in the city with four other girls and the lack of testoserone was sooo nice.

 

But yeah, yesterday the guy who had the party the first night called me to chill, so I went over to his house and we talked, watched a movie, etc, no big deal because as you pointed out I do have a lot of guy friends (not only these pricks). Of course FWB's friend calls me, askswhat I'm doing and I tell them. I ask why are you calling me? And they say we wanted to chill but, NEVERMIND.

 

2 minutes later he calls back and says (my name is Leonora) "if youre ****ing luke, we need to call you leoWHOREa!' and hangs up. I try calling them back to bitch them out, they dont answer, so i sent a text message saying, "i'm not ****ing anyone, you guys are ****ed up, stop calling me.'

 

Granted, my phone ran out of batteries, but I havent heard from them since that and I'm glad.

 

Also, its all his one friend who has always had a bitch attitude that is doing all of this. I sort of wish I knew where FWB stood, but his friend is definately out to get me.

[CaliGuy]

The funny thing about FWB relationships is for the most part, they never respect you. Respect precedes love so without respect love really can not blossom. That is why I always say "Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?"

 

If you have feelings for someone and all they want is sex then you know the feelings aren't even remotely mutual. Someone who really cares about you will wait and not pressure you for sex.

[lindya]

2 minutes later he calls back and says (my name is Leonora) "if youre ****ing luke, we need to call you leoWHOREa!' and hangs up.

 

What a delightful little sh*t.

 

When people get together and form a group, they seem to very much gravitate towards the view that "the group" is right about everything - the group's view generally depending upon the opinions of its strongest members.

If you're in frequent contact with a group that you often feel at odds with, and feel judged by, then you need to distance yourself from it in order to maintain your own integrity. Groups often function very badly, and make poor assessments of individuals - and rather than making good decisions, their emphasis is often on creating dynamics that allow certain individuals in the group to get a false sense of superiority over others.

 

It sounds as though this is a particularly malfunctioning, unpleasant and judgemental group to be wasting any of your time on. Actually being able to turn your back on these people for once and for all might not be easy, but if you can do it I'm sure your self esteem will leap up purely from the fact that you've been healthy and mature enough to reject people who aren't nearly good enough for you.

[crazy_grl]

Hahaha, I do in fact have MANY female friends, believe me, and most of them are intimidated (and with good reason, I suppose) by his crowd. I have a lot of friends in a lot of different crowds, but the last few months I've been hanging out with this crowd almost everyday...

 

That's cool. Seems like it's time to start spending more time with those other groups of friends.

 

2 minutes later he calls back and says (my name is Leonora) "if youre ****ing luke, we need to call you leoWHOREa!' and hangs up.

 

Wow. They're not predictable or anything. As soon as you mentioned being at another guys house, I figured they'd say something like that.

 

I try calling them back to bitch them out, they dont answer, so i sent a text message saying, "i'm not ****ing anyone, you guys are ****ed up, stop calling me.'

 

Pretty good response. They're just going to keep doing this sh*t though. Next time, don't answer the phone. Don't read their texts, and don't respond to anything they say or do.

 

Also, its all his one friend who has always had a bitch attitude that is doing all of this. I sort of wish I knew where FWB stood, but his friend is definately out to get me.

 

He's letting his friends do this to you and he's being quite the jerk himself. That's all you need to know. Maybe he's madly in love with you, but is this how you want a guy to treat you? If he was at all good enough for you, he'd tell his friends to leave you alone and stop taunting you with things like asking for your friends number when he knows it bothers you.

[my body is a cage]

What a delightful little sh*t.

 

That made me laugh

 

When people get together and form a group, they seem to very much gravitate towards the view that "the group" is right about everything - the group's view generally depending upon the opinions of its strongest members.

 

Yupp, its called 'group polarization,' as we learned in psych class. I've seen them do this to people before, and I didn't speak up but thought, 'Wow, this really insn't necesary and there actually isn't anything wrong with these people.'

 

Since I sent the text message, no phone call. FWB called me from his house, but I didn't pick up, and that was it.

 

I chilled with brotherly friend and some other kids yesterday, and he didn't mention anything about the situation at all, except that he said FWB makes me go crazy. Which is marginally true.

 

I don't know. I never want to chill with the whole group again, ever, but I want to continue chilling with brotherly friend, and I do miss FWB a little ...

[my body is a cage]

So, yesterday I caved and chilled with them...

 

Bitch friend called me to offer an ipod and I couldn't resist, as mine had been stolen. I went over there and he was like, 'Are you chilling?! I havent seen you in forever!!' :confused: and was altogether really friendly?

 

So I stayed, and I ended up chilling with brotherly friend, FWB, and some others. At one point they said to me, "We stopped calling you!" and I said no you didnt, and they were like yeah, *** called to talk **** but thats it, but the thing is thats not true because FWB called me as well but I did not answer. Brotherly friend told me that he told them not to call me while I still liked FWB, because I just cause drama.

 

In general, FWB was acting aloof. He said he never played me and it was my own fault for being stupid and 'falling in love with' him because he never said he liked me. My birthday is on Friday, and he was like, 'oh happy birthday because I probably wont be seeing you, right?' which was sort of harsh considering we used to chill everyday. When he left he said, "I'll see you when I see you, unless you wanna chill tomorrow in which case just stop by."

 

He also randomly started talking about his girlfriend and how he was so lucky that he was dating her. Which also hurt a lot. Because honestly, shes less attractive than me, everyone has stated that, she has NO personality, shes completely passive, stupid, 15 years old, etc. It just hurts that he would find her so much more appealing than me and make a point to make it so clear. When he was going on about it I didn't say a word and he said, "YES LEO, I do regret cheating on her."

 

Basically, I dont think he even likes me as a person anymore. Before I knew he was attracted to me and liked me as a person so it was like wtf, why doesnt he like me as more? But now I just feel hostility coming from him.

 

I also feel weak for chilling with them after they were such asses, but honestly, everyone (except FWB) was a lot nicer to me/ treated me with a lot of respect compared to what they usually do. I'm confused about everything, basically, and I don't know if anyone is even going to read this but it helps to get it out in blog style.

[jcster]

I don't think you're over your infatuation with FWB guy. If you were, you wouldn't keep putting yourself into the "crosshairs" to be shot down by this guy. If you don't put some distance between him and the rest of his posse, you're in for more demeaning crap. And that's all I can say on the matter - the rest is up to you.

[crazy_grl]

He also randomly started talking about his girlfriend and how he was so lucky that he was dating her. Which also hurt a lot. Because honestly, shes less attractive than me, everyone has stated that, she has NO personality, shes completely passive, stupid, 15 years old, etc. It just hurts that he would find her so much more appealing than me and make a point to make it so clear. When he was going on about it I didn't say a word and he said, "YES LEO, I do regret cheating on her."

 

He's saying all that to screw with your head. Maybe he's just a twisted little bastard. Maybe he has feelings for you and is too childish/proud/whatever to just tell you. Or maybe you're damaging his inflated ego by not crawling on your hands and knees begging him to be with you instead of his gf like he exptected.

 

There are two options if you want to stop this drama. Either cut him and his buddies out of your life (I know, easier said than done, especially if you still have feelings for him) or have a face to face talk with him to try to sort things out. Based on what you've said about him so far and how he and his buddies have used private conversations to 'get' to you, I don't know if he's mature enough to handle the type of talk you'd need to have.

 

By asking him to talk, you open yourself up to more of his abuse. Just walking away is the safer bet. But if you really can't do that, you can try talking to him.

[my body is a cage]

Yeah... at this point I don't want to have much to do with his crew at all. That little bitch friend who sold me the ipod is trying to start **** again because he told the girl whose ipod it was (I didn't know it was hers when I bought it) that I bought it to spite her. She doesn't like me, and although the bitch friend is the one who stole it, so she is threatening to beat ME up.

 

Appearently when they called and invited me to that party it was because four girls, three of which I don't know at all, have never spoken to, wanted to beat me up.

 

So, appearently I am an emblem of hate in this group. Brotherly friend and I discussed how everyone gangs up on me for no reason, how everyone talks mad ****, how bitch friend creates ALL the drama and we really dont like him, and how all those girls are hypocritical because theyre nice to me to my face. At this point I don't take any of this seriously, or care.

 

I've never been a controversial person before in my life. My entire life I've stayed under the drama radar, and I'm a pretty shy person. This is soooo unlike anything I've ever dealt with.

 

FWB has been acting more detached than usual. He still interacts with me, such as throwing this bracelet we found at me, engaging in a flicking war with me, we were walking across these spaced out train tracks and he offered me his hand but I denied it. HOWEVER, at the same time, hes just not as warm towards me/ doesnt smile at me/ seem excited to see me in the same way.

 

I have gotten over him a large deal, but I feel like I ****ed up when I bugged out with him. Maybe with normal rational people that reaction would be acceptable, but it didnt accomplish anything in this situation. All that has happened is that a group of people scorns me and I lost a close friendship with FWB.

 

Therefore, there is NO reason to have a talk with him. At all. I'm just going to keep my distance.

[oppath]

Your reaction was normal and it was rational! When someone is hurt, and insulted, and belittled, it is normal and rational to express anger. What is irrational is that other people aren't saying "you know, you did lead her on a little, we've been kind of mean to her, we should apologize to her and drop it."

 

You have been an adult about this EXCEPT you keep putting yourself in a bad situation; your only irrational reaction is allowing these people to have more power over you. You should be hurt, and you should be upset. You reacted just fine. Someone hurt you and insulted you and you told him off. Good for you. That takes strength. It's not aggression, it's assertiveness, and if you learn to always apply that skill before a dicey situation can arise, you'll be wise well beyond your years.

 

I've faced similar concerns from a mutual group of friends of my ex's. They think I went irrationally immature when she dumped me. How so? She lied about the reasons for the breakup -- I knew that much -- and I ASSERTIVELY asked for space 2-3 times, saying "don't contact me, we can't be friends unless several months have passed and I've healed. Please do this for me, not because of you. Respect the fact that I can't be your friend right now. It would be nice if we can in the future, but to do that I need my time and space to heal." Her response was "I understand. Would you be willing to be friends with benefits?"

 

Is the rational response to just say "no thanks." I was insulted and deeply hurt, I loved this girl, she led me on big time, and her reasons for the breakup were full of false hope and obviously cowardly copouts. I responded crassly, which is perfectly adult and normal in that situation. She belittled me. "When you broke up with me, you broke up with my cock. We both know I deserve more than friends with benefits, and that's not going to change 1 week or 1 year from now."

 

Her response "I was just joking." That really set me off, and I regret it, but the worst I did was tell her she was selfish, cruel, and insensitive to my feelings and that she didn't respect me or my request for space, and that the reason she gave me for the breakup were obnoxious and cliche lies and it would have been much easier on me if she didn't give me bs false hope and stopped ****ing with me head. I told her that if I were to breakup with a girl who wanted a serious relationship with me using the "it's not you, It's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself. I'm not emotionally ready to keep making you happy" I'd be a cowardly ass, and that if I then asked her to be **** buddies I'd be a douche, and that while I'm not saying she was those things, she made a big mistake by not being honest and respectful because it hurt like hell.

 

Now, how irrational was that? Not irrational. Someone insulted me and I expressed anger in return.If I could do it over again, I would have handled it much that same way, only I would have called her on the phone and reamed her out instead of leaving an email she could forward to her friends who didn't know the full story (actually, they probably did know the full story, I was the one in the dark about what was really going on in her head).

 

I faced some of the same criticisms as you from her friends, who were my friends before this. I took all the blame, all the responsibility, telling myself it was my fault the bridges were burned and that I was no longer welcome, that I acted really immature. Those negative thoughts are BS! I was close to someone, they insulted me and disrespected me and were dishonest with me, and I expressed anger and honesty as a result.

 

The normal, adult response would have been similar to mine, especially the first time going through something like it. Have I learned a lesson? Yes. I would react again. I would deflate her ego. But I'd do it in a way that made it appear she had less power over me. But the only irrational one was her. Her insulting me to begin with was irrational as it was opposite my assertion for space. Her not apologizing was irrational. The lightbulb should have gone off in her head.

 

If her friends had any sense, they'd be coming to me for validation. They'd be coming to me and asking "what's your side of this story?" some of them have, and they are my friends, and I will not hang out with the others on their turf.

 

Stay away from these people. They are the immature ones. The mature, rational response from your FWB would be "you know, I'm sorry if I did or said anything that led you on. You are a lovely person but I wasn't interested in a relationship and I thought I made that clear. I can see where I did a few things that would make you think otherwise. I apologize if I act snotty towards you now that I have a new gf and haven't been a true friend. Perhaps we need some space to distance our drama so a friendship may be possible later."

 

An assertive, mature person would act like that, not demean you. Just like with my ex...and assertive, mature person would have taken my crass response to her friends with benefits request to mean "oh crap, I hurt this guy. I'd better apologize." She was immature and passive-aggressive (just like people in your group).

 

You are absolved. You did nothing wrong.

[my body is a cage]

hmmm

 

So in the last two weeks I've chilled with all of them once, this Friday.

 

FWB for some reason was back to being really nice to me. Guess he noticed my absense.

 

Everyone else was a complete prick, due to the fact that my friend sent a message to one of the girls who wanted to beat me up (without me prompting him) and of course that message got forwarded to everyone. I dont even know what it said, but I have a feeling it said something along the lines of they pick on me because theyre insecure and have no balls. And although sending the message wasnt very tactful on my friends part, I couldnt care less, because its true and I'm really done with this group as a whole (even brotherly friend was a dick.)

 

The only thing that saddens me/ confuses me is why is FWB still calling me every day when I'm trying to distance myself? And why does he still flirt with me and tell me im beautiful? Yesterday he made me breakfast, and gave me a CD.

 

Does he just like having me around for show? Does he actually care about be somehwere deep down, or does he just want me to think he does?

 

The other thing that hurts is that he is acting very affectionatly towards his girlfriend. Although he has cheated on her, in other senses he is very sweet.

 

It just hurts me that he could reject me so completely, string me a long, and act as if she is more worthy than I am. I cant believe it has lasted this long.

[Phoebe]

The only thing that saddens me/ confuses me is why is FWB still calling me every day when I'm trying to distance myself? And why does he still flirt with me and tell me im beautiful? Yesterday he made me breakfast, and gave me a CD.

 

Does he just like having me around for show? Does he actually care about be somehwere deep down, or does he just want me to think he does?

 

He's doing it because he can. I had a FWB from when I was 17 too. He liked to play head games and only saw me when he wanted sex. Basically you're the back up girl to stroke his ego. He knows that you'll always be there for him to pick up whenever he feels like it. He has no real feelings for you. You need to get some self respect, the longer you let this go on the more of a hold he will have over you. I don't say this to be mean, but because I've been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Get some self respect now before you spend the rest of your life with losers who treat you like crap. You deserve better!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just keep looking to the future. I expect that within a semester of being off at college you'll be seeing this whole mess a lot differently.