how could they do this to me?

[my body is a cage]

I was FWB with a good friend of mine since January, but I had developed feelings for him because his best friend kept telling me that my FWB had feelings for me. However, I never really acted on it because this guy is known to be a player and I didn't trust him.

 

Then, suddenly, for the first time in his life he got a girlfriend (she is completley passive and would put up with all of his ****). 6 days after having the girlfriend, he cheated on her with me. I didn't want to at first, but he was persuasive and I did still have feelings for him, so I caved.

 

I know he wanted to do it at the time, but all of his friends gave him a lot of **** for cheating so he told everyone that he only did it to prove a point that I still liked him even though I said I didn't.

 

After that he continued to be very flirtatious, such as saying 'I love you ---" kissing my forehead, hugging me, wrestling me, etc. However, when his friends joked about him liking me, he would say, 'Nahh, I have a girlfriend."

 

Then, the other day, my "friend" visited from another town. Now, not to sound arrogant or mean, but this friend is not attractive at all. This IS relevant to the story, because my FWB is superficial and cares about appearence and only met her that day. She ended up getting piss ass drunk and hooking up with him. While he still had his gf.

 

Now he is telling everyone that he actually likes her, and keeps asking ME for her number, which is hurtful in the first place. No one really believes him because she wasnt attractive, wasnt very bright, and was so drunk she was falling all over the place, but either way he persists.

 

The other day I saw him and I could NOT contain my anger/ hurt. I started acting really passive agressive, which is a bad habit of mine, just cutting him off when he talked to me and making little bitchy comments.

 

Finally he was joking around saying "I like to rip their hearts out throw them on the floor and stomp on the-" and I couldnt help but say , "--- youre disgusting." Then he started talking about getting that girls number and I said, "Youre also full of ****."

 

This all evolved into a screaming match, where I told him he lead me on. He said did you ever believe that I actually liked you? Which is mean to say in the first place. Then he said I wasn't mature enough to handle something that was purely physical. I told him he didnt care about my feelings whatsoever, and he said he cares about my feelings more than anyone else in the group of friends (which may be true, he does get upset when people are mean to me, but at the same time he doesnt care about my feelings with the way he plays with my heart.) He basically denied ever liking me, or leading me on, because he never TOLD me he liked me. I told him there are other ways to lead people on and he tried to make me specifically name them but thats awkward so I didn't. I also asked why he didnt stop his best friend who was ADAMENTLY trying to persuade me he had feelings for me for at leaast a month, and he said because he doesn't tell people waht to do.

 

After all of this, I said, "If you dont see how you have lead me on, then I don't see a reason to ever speak to you again," and pushed him and started to walk away. He said bye to me and I said 'Go to hell!"

 

Then his friend came running outside and was like WAIT!! NO!! STOP. and calmed me down (I've had similar tantrums before and hes always the one who talks sense into me... hes like my big brother.) Hes told me many times that I'm beautiful, smart, interesting, my parents are well off, etc, and I'm wasting my time on someone who is cold and evil on the inside. I told him I love him but I can't be with group anymore because I can't control my anger and he said I NEED to control my anger and show everyone that I am over this kid or no one will ever respect me, because they cannot fathom why someone like me likes him. He said every time I cause a scene and get mad, this kid wins because he has such power over my emotions.

 

I haven't seen much of them since then, which was a few days ago, whereas I used to see them every day. Last night this kid called me at 11 PM. At first he said, "Hey whats up! How are you? Oh yeah? What did you do today?' so I knew that my absense was felt. And then he threw on, 'Ok yeah thats nice. Can I get your friends number again?"

 

Ouch.

 

Basically, I wish I were more in control of my emotions. Liking this guy and being prone to anger bouts are two issues with my emotions that I need to control. I really want to conquer this, but he has hurt me so much. I don't beleive that he neverliked me at all, because you can tell when someone likes you, you know? I just feel like theres no way I can win/ regain my dignity.

[nicki]

Your emotions are your friend. The are screaming a message at you.

 

You had every right to get pissed off at him and at his outrageous behavior.

 

You have every right to be mad at yourself for continuing any contact with this guy. It will hurt you. He's a loser. You deserve better.

 

You shouldn't be anywhere around him and this group. Your emotions don't need to be handled, they need to be listened to.

 

Avoid him. Avoid his friends. Don't take any calls from this guy ever again. Your heart may feel something for him, but it is a dysfunctional connection that you must break.

 

Love never hurts another on purpose. This guy is a user, not a lover.

 

And it's all on him. It's nothing about you. You are obviously lovely and smart!

[Diamonds&Rust]

I've had similar tantrums before and hes always the one who talks sense into me... hes like my big brother.

Except that you didn't have a tantrum. You acted with an inordinate amount of self-respect, and you should stick by what you said.

 

Don't talk to this creep again, you were right the first tantrum. The thing about a friendship with benefits is that it should be a good friendship also, and this guy doesn't give a crap about your feelings, in fact, he outspokenly delights in mistreating you and others.

 

By the way, the nice friend that you see as a big brother is actually the one who likes you.

[nicki]

Yes, Diamonds and Rust, I agree. The nice guy who tries to calm her down is the guy who likes her. He sounds like a keeper.

 

(From your screen name, I'm guessing you are also a big fan of Joan Baez. Diamonds and Rust is my favorite song of hers!)

[my body is a cage]

Yes, Diamonds and Rust, I agree. The nice guy who tries to calm her down is the guy who likes her. He sounds like a keeper.

 

No no no no no. Believe me, this guy doesn't like me. He did at first, but now he basically thinks I'm a mess/ in need of a lot of help because of how upset I let his friend make me. He's said things like, "This is bad. This is really bad. I haven't had a case like you before."

[curiousnycgirl]

How can you call this guy a friend? He is an manipulative SOB.

 

Perhaps the brotherly guy likes you, perhaps not - but I think his advice that you need to continue to hang out with these people is dead wrong. Who cares what they think? If this group of people truly value you, they will turn their back on the idiot you were sleeping with, and pull together around YOU. If they don't, they are not your friends either.

 

I do not understand how anyone can make excuses for the behavior this guy is exhibiting. He has a girlfriend, yet continues to sleep with you. Then he sleeps with one of your friends, and pursues YOU to give him her number?! That is beyond ridiculous and hurtful to me. There is no excuse for this and the fact that the entire group of friends seem to think you should just get over it is absurd.

 

If you did anything wrong here it is 2 things - 1. you continued to sleep with him - happens to the best of us when we start having feelings. 2. You had your tantrum in public. I think your tantrum was totally warranted, but don't think doing it in a bar surrounded by HIS friends was the wisest move.

 

Bottom line - I would avoid these people like the plague! If they want to continue a relationship with you, let them call you and see them one on one (although definitely not the guy you slept with, kick him to the curb - total NC). Do not go out with the group unless and until you can trust that he will not be there too.

 

My heart is breaking for you. You don't seem to have a lot of self confidence - you need to build that. You don't deserve the BS these people are putting you through. You are better than that.

[oppath]

First, expressing anger is HEALTHY. We are raised to believe something is wrong with expressing anger, that is is an unhealthy and immature way of communicating. WRONG! Sometimes ANGER is NECESSARY. When someone really hurts you, throwing a tantrum is MATURE! You have to let it out. All psychologist agree that anger is a healthy emotion, and expressing it is a healthy action.

 

No, you don't want to always express anger, especially at small things, but this guy was a douchebag. He was inimical to you. He deliberately did and said things that he knew would be hurtful to you. You had every right to express anger. You did not lose dignity in doing so, you maintained your dignity and self respect.

 

I've battled the same emotions as you with my ex. She led me on big time. She dumped me in an immature and disrespectful way. Then she asked me if I was willing to be FWB! I crassly told her no, that I deserve better and she knows it, and her response was "I was just joking." I went off on her for it. Then, it turns out her ex proposed to her 1.5 weeks before the breakup! She didn't tell me this, I learned from a friend, and yes, I went off on her again. I've sat here for 3-4 months feeling like I lost all dignity and self respect and can't go around her group, which overlapped with my group.

 

Well, if they had any sense at all they'd ask "why the hell did you ask him to be FWB? You should apologize, I would be hurt by that." And "why didn't you tell him about your ex proposing? He's a good guy. You should have been honest."

 

Some of her friends made me feel I lost dignity, that I crossed lines and burned bridges. Well, no, I didn't. She did. Did I lose respect in her eyes? How could I if she didn't respect me to begin with. She's a loser and a user.

 

It's ok I expressed anger, and it is ok you expressed anger. How you reacted was HEALTHY. If any of his friends are worth a damn they'll seek you out and be your friend on your turf.

[Diamonds&Rust]

No no no no no. Believe me, this guy doesn't like me. He did at first.../quote]

Yes yes yes yes yes. Believe us, he does.

[polywog]

Cage, you got great advice here. I agree with All of them. Just wanted to chime in and add my "get him and those people out of your life, now and forever!"

 

Also would like to add that you've learned a lot from this, I'm sure. You won't make that mistake again. Repeat that phrase, and think about what this experience has done to you. You deserve a man who loves and respects You.

 

Hang in there through the pain and disappointment part, you'll be OK sooner than you think.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with the other posters, but I also agree with your jerk-'friend' only to the extent where he said you're not capable of handling a purely-physical relationship. You're not, but there is NOTHING wrong with that. However, to call him a FWB and use the phrase "leading me on" in the same sentence is incongruent. A true FWB has no impact on your heartstrings whatsoever. I think you were misleading yourself by thinking he had feelings for you...his behavior after the fact proves this.

 

He's a jerk.

[serial muse]

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone calling this guy a jerk, and saying that your best course of action is to avoid him, and his crowd, altogether. That includes the brotherly guy, I think - I agree that he probably does still like you, despite what you said...but he's part of the poisonous atmosphere of that group that is reducing your self-esteem, and it's best for you to get away from them altogether.

 

That said, I just want to add that the way the jerk guy, your FWB, tried to tell you that you're not "mature" enough to handle a purely physical relationship is part of his overall act to control you. Not wanting a FWB with him has nothing to do with maturity. He just wanted to hurt you, and he did. He's done it in many ways, too, it sounds like, and you have every reason to turn your back on him for it. He says and does things specifically because he knows they get your goat (such as asking you for your friend's number). Basically, some part of him needs to know he's still got a hold over you, and he's using it without regard for how it makes you feel. It's selfish and cold, and indicates that he is not only immature, but incapable of empathy for your feelings.

 

Cut him off. You do have power over him - the last thing he wants is for you to be indifferent. That's why he keeps calling and saying hurtful things. But I'm sure you don't want a relationship with someone whose idea of intimacy is to hurt your feelings to know he can still get to you. Right??

 

Your emotions are your friends, as a previous poster said. Trust them - he's very, very bad for you, and you know it. Perhaps you don't need to get angry in front of others, but it doesn't matter what they think of you, despite what the brotherly friend said (which is why I say you should probably not hang out with him, either - he is entrenched in that group, it sounds like, and places a higher level on their importance than you should be). You can do better, and you just need to believe it. Free yourself.

[polywog]

I]That said, I just want to add that the way the jerk guy, your FWB, tried to tell you that you're not "mature" enough to handle a purely physical relationship is part of his overall act to control you.

 

I'm glad you brought that up Muse, because that struck me as well. It's not only a lack of empathy, it's downright abusive, very cruel, and controlling.

[my body is a cage]

Yeah, it has occured to me before that he has tried to make me insecure in order to control me. Once one of his friends said something to me like, 'Youre afraid of a lot of things you shouldnt be afraid of, such as ---- leaving you. You know hes not gonna, right?"

 

PS. My scene was not at a bar, it was at the brotherly friends house. I'm only 17 (18 in a week tho

 

But anyway, yesterday they were total pricks. I don't know if it was his fault this time or not.

 

This guy was having a party and he had been texting me a lot for two days straight. Then someone called me from my ex FWB's phone, I called back, his brother answered and said hm I wonder who called you. Then his friend called back, and said "Hey! We're not going to that party, its not on, were going to (this other kid)'s house, you should come! We're going at 8. And we're picking your friend up (the one he hooked up with.) Oh and, I don't know what this means, but --- says he doesnt accept your apology and youre irrational."

 

(I apologized for saying I would never SPEAK to him again, I said something like 'I still agree with everything I said... but we can still talk.... if you want....)

 

So I was like ok whatever (not really caring or intending to do anything with them) and went to another friends house. This friend was like are you going to that party with those kids? And I was like what? I thought it was cancelled. He said nope. I called my friend to see if they were really picking her up (she lives far away) she said heeeeeell no, what are you talking about?

 

So I basically called them and said I DON'T want to chill, I'm doing something else anyway, but I'm just calling to let you know that I know youre actually at that kids house and not where you said you were going, and that youre not picking up my friend. I'm just calling you because you called me and told me to call you back.

 

--- picked up the phone and said he wasnt aware that his friend called and said they were going somewhere else. I said I'm sorry if you dont accept my apology, I do want to be friends but if you dont want to be thats alright. And he was like who said I didnt accept it? I accept that ****. And I was like oh. ok. bye then.

 

10 minutes later he called back and was like, "so are you coming to our party?" and I said , "no I'm going to another party' and he said 'what you dont want to come?' and i was like 'uuuuuh maybe later-' and then someone else picked up the phone and was like, 'you dont want to come? **** YOU!" and kept going and I hung up.

 

Then someone who was at that party called me at 12 AM ad 2 AM.

 

bleh.

[LucreziaBorgia]

One day you will have had enough, and you will walk away and not look back. What is good about this is that you are young, and will one day meet someone who will make you thank G_d every day that you got away from this guy. This guy is doing nothing but preventing you from finding a guy who will love you and treat you with love, respect, kindness and all that good stuff.

[my body is a cage]

One day you will have had enough, and you will walk away and not look back. What is good about this is that you are young, and will one day meet someone who will make you thank G_d every day that you got away from this guy. This guy is doing nothing but preventing you from finding a guy who will love you and treat you with love, respect, kindness and all that good stuff.

 

Yeah, I'm trying to walk away, but its just a little hard because I like the feeling of belonging to a group, and I'm not completely over him.

 

One thing I also feel a little stupid about is as StarGrazer said, I was just fooling myself in thinking that he had feelings for me, so he didn't really play me because he never promised me anything. HOWEVER, at the same time, he did know I had feelings for him and continued to hook up with me.

 

Also, it hurts because he's acting like I'm sooo undesirable and he would NEVER have feelings for me because of my personality and he would for this ugly 15 year old burnout that doesnt say a word? And my friend who he met for a day?

 

AND that whole group freaks out whenever I get pissed about anything, even though they make fun of people and are terrible all the time, but the fact that his friend said ---- doesnt forgive me means that he told everyone about what happened and they probably had a good hearty chuckle about it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand where you are coming from.

 

When I was 17, I was in love with this guy Chris. I had a crush on him from the time I was 13 (and he was well aware of this), and the summer after I graduated from HS he and I finally hooked up. I was so happy! I look back now though, and I can plainly see that it was about the sex. We did it often, and everywhere. I was blinded to the fact that he saw it as a FWB thing, and took his affection for me to mean more than it actually did. Like you, we belonged to the same circle of friends, and I too liked the feeling of 'belonging'. I don't know many people that age who don't like that.

 

Well, we stayed together for a while - he expressed interest in girls he wanted to actually date and call 'girlfriend' and somehow I convinced myself that because he kept coming back to me, that I meant more to him on some level than the other girls. Boy, was I wrong. I was right where you are now emotionally with this guy, and I can remember how painful it was to be trapped by my own emotional attachment to him. I have full clarity now of the situation, but it took a long time to get over him. The only thing that worked was that I moved away, lost contact with him and didn't see him again for many years.

 

I saw him not too long ago, actually. I was picking my kid up from school and this guy said... "LB?! Is that YOU?!" and it was him picking up his kid (who by chance happens to be a good friend of my kid)! It had been nearly twenty years since that summer, and the only thing I thought was ... thank G_d I didn't end up with him. As for the circle of friends? Vanished and replaced with all new people I felt a sense of belonging with.

 

I wish that I could magically fast forward you to a time where you are looking back on this and seeing it with objective clarity, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. You have to suffer the present to enjoy the future, I guess.

 

I have no doubt that you will find somone else, and find yourself happier than you ever would with this guy but it will take time. The only solution is to distance yourself as best as you can. Spending time with him is only going to prolong your pain.

[my body is a cage]

Yeah... that sounds exactly like the situation that I am in.

 

Am I right to be pissed that he continued a FWB with me even though he knew I had feeling for him and he didn't return them?

 

Luckily I'm going to Wesleyan University in the fall and hopefully I will find a lot of like-minded, good, intellegent people there. I just can't wait until I get to leave this town.

 

And I am already trying to branch out, a guy in our distant group of friends who is responsible, mature, an orphan with his own apartment at 18, who works, does art, has a job, is interesting, etc, randomly invited me over to his apartment to smoke a bowl with him a few days ago and has been texting me nonstop since then. I'm a bit wary of his intentions though after how badly I've been treated so I want to be careful.

 

FWB just called me and I didn't even answer. **** him.

[jcster]

These people are not your friends. You've given them a lot of power over you, which is why they like to have you around. FWB guy is an absolute jerk and will get his eventually (trust me, guys like that get their comeuppance). Nice "brother" guy might like you, but he's manipulating your feelings for FWB guy to keep you around. That's sick. Take the summer off to do things you want to do with people who like you - go to college in the fall and let this ugly rat's nest of people that you call friends be a memory.

[justagirliegirl]

I agree with jcster.

 

Unfortunately many guys and I am going to say most around your age are horny little toads looking to get some action.

 

They have sex to have sex because it feels good, not because of any emotional feelings for the girl.

 

I bet you had sex with the jerk guy because you liked him and were hoping that by having sex with him and he wanted to with you, eventually he would like you back as a girlfriend.

 

Make a guy wait to have sex and I don't mean a week either. Several months. If he won't wait then you know what he is really interested in. Don't have sex until you are in an exclusive relationship with a guy. Make the guy prove he is worthy of enjoying your body.

 

Good luck at your new school!

[my body is a cage]

FWB will get his eventually (trust me, guys like that get their comeuppance).

 

I wish I could believe that.

[my body is a cage]

OH and also...

 

if I really wanted to piss this group off people off/ completely ostracise myself from my ex FWB and them.....

 

I could always send his girlfriend a friendly little message telling her what he has done to her with me and my friend.

 

However, this could backfire if I ever want to be friends with them remotely again, if she doesnt believe me, or if she doesnt care and they stay together and their relationship is strengthened.

[justagirliegirl]

Chances are she wouldn't believe you. He will show his true colors to her in time.

[my body is a cage]

Chances are she wouldn't believe you. He will show his true colors to her in time.

 

yeah, or I could get my friend who lives far away to do it.

[jcster]

Even though it's tough to not want vengeance on this guy, it would be in your best interests if you just went no contact on him. Remove yourself from the sick little game -trust me, he'll take bad attention over no attention - you're still just feeding his ego. Remember, he's getting a rise over hurting your feelings. Put all the energy you want to spend getting back at this guy into yourself and you won't care after very long.

 

These guys do eventually get burned. They either knock some poor girl up and end up paying child support for 18 years, or they find themselves in love with someone just like them (like attracts like) and they end up here all heartbroken.

[crazy_grl]

Then he said I wasn't mature enough to handle something that was purely physical.

 

Don't believe this. Maturity has nothing to do with being capable of having a "purely physical" relationship. The fact that you developed feelings doesn't mean you're immature. It means you have feelings. Getting into one in the first place is a little immature, but now you know better.

 

Tell this loser to f*ck off. The longer you have anything to do with him, the more him and his little buddies will screw with your head until you blow up again and come off looking like a nutso.

 

Do you have any friends that are not also friends with him? It sounds like all your friends are also his guy friends... who happen to be mostly *ssholes. Ignore these losers from now on. There's not much time left before you go to college and you're right, there will be lots of intelligent, more mature people to make friends with.

 

Do you have any female friends? You haven't mentioned one yet. If not, get some.