Do you ever get asked why you reconciled after your WS infidelity?

[Lynna]

Thanks. Good luck to all of us dealing with our individual situations, whatever they are!

[Melissa277]

I just started reading this thread. I ignored it for quite a while because it is very painful for me since every single person in my hometown found out about H's A and I was totally humiliated and mortified.

 

When D-day happened, as most of you know, I left that very minute and went home to family and "friends." I didn't tell anyone about A other than my immediate family (kids, sister, sister's hubby, two brothers and H's mother). I didn't want any of them to hear it through the so-called grapevine. We're from a very small town and as I said, everyone eventually found out. They gossiped about his A for weeks and some people even used it for their own selfishness ... two MM we had been friends with called me asked me out, can you imagine? My family was very supportive of me after their initial shock. Kids (four grown daughters) said they would support whatever decision I made. Both brothers wanted me to kick his sorry *ss to the curb and my sister, to whom I am very close, ended up being somewhat sympathic to H because they were friends before we got married and the jerk called her and apologized to her for what he had done! Since we have reconcilled, my family has not treated him any differently, but they are a very loving group so I guess he's lucky in that regard.

 

As for our so-called "friends?" A couple who we were best friends with before we moved called me when they heard (God, don't people have anything better to do than talk about my marriage?) and invited me to their house to talk and have a couple of drinks. Keep in mind this was like four days after D-day. I went and felt good about going ... I needed to talk to them because we had been so close to them. Man, was I wrong. Although seemed sympathic to me, I found out that three days later they hoped in their car and drove five hours to "comfort" him! I was so p*ssed. I mean, are you kidding me? I haven't seen either of them since that night. H has though so I guess I found out where I stood with them. Anyway, W called last week and wanted to get together with us the next time we're in town. Yeah, I'll get right on that.

 

And of course I had the "well meaning" relatives ... husband's uncle (he's in his 60's) who actually said to me "You can't let a little sex on the side ruin your marriage. All men do it" and H's great aunt who is 89 (God love her) and has never been married said "You should take him back. At least you know what you've got." True, but as I said to her, do I really want what I've "got?"

 

Now back to the original question which if I remember right was why do people ask why you chose to stay with WS and what do you tell them. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but not one person has asked me. Not one.

[Lynna]

Don't presume to speak for others. You and your friend either did not know your own personalities very well, or lacked the backbone to follow through on your true wishes in the event of adultery. Not everyone is as confused and/or weak-willed as you two. Some people actually mean what they say, and follow through on it.

 

So far, every relationship I've had that's ended, has been ended by me over something much less than cheating. So, I have no doubt whatsoever that I would immediately dump someone for fooling around with someone else. If I can break off over an argument, different views, annoying behaviours in my gfs, then I can surely break off if they sleep with someone else.

 

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]If you break off a relationship over just an argument or over different views, then you are right, you would never survive something like this. When you love someone so much that you can't imagine living without them, then you will know what love is. When you truly love someone you don't break up over a simple argument or over having different opinions. And sometimes you don't even break up over infidelity. Your "my way or the highway" approach seems pretty me-centered and not very we-centered in my opinion, which makes a true relationship pretty hard to come by, but hey, it is your life and your choice.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]People are beings who change and grow over time. We may think we will do something in a certain situation, but until/if we are ever in that situation you can NEVER be 100% positive what you will do. How we react may be different depending on many many uncountable factors. Even once you are in that situation it may take a VERY long time to figure out what you are going to do. And you may change your mind a ways down the road. That is NOT wishy-washy, nor is it lacking backbone. It is simply being human!!!!![/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Staying in a relationship where there has been betrayal takes a LOT of backbone, maybe even more than walking out though that again depends on the details of each individual situation. When you stay in the relationship you have to deal with the memories of that event for the rest of your lives together, you have a daily reminder looking you in the face each day when you see your spouse. It takes A LOT of strength to move through that. If you can move through that together and build a stronger marriage then all the time you invested together has been worth it. Remember the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vows? Well, this is pretty extreme on the worse side for sure, especially since your spouse ignored the "forsaking all others" part. Hopefully, this worse will be balanced out by an equally extreme better down the road if you are able to reconcile.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Lynna]

Also, when you stay together in your relationship you have to learn how to fix the things that went wrong in your marriage. When you leave, then you don't get that chance. Learning how to fix problems makes for a stronger marriage, which if the marriage was strong enough in the first place the affair MIGHT not have happened. So if you don't learn how to fix relationship problems, then you can easily have similar problems in later relationships.

 

While the spouse who had the affair is DEFINITELY in the wrong and should NEVER have done that to someone they loved, the wounded spouse MIGHT (and I only say MIGHT) have been able to do something to help fix the marriage before the affair started. As they say, it takes two to tangle. Now this is certainly not true in every case, but maybe in more cases then we want to admit. I am the wounded spouse in my case and since we started working on our marriage I have recognized things in retrospect that I should have seen before, and that I DESPERATELY wish my spouse had talked to me about rather than have an affair, but we are now growing and learning as a couple, and I hope that we always continue to grow and learn together.

[Melissa277]

Don't presume to speak for others. You and your friend either did not know your own personalities very well, or lacked the backbone to follow through on your true wishes in the event of adultery. Not everyone is as confused and/or weak-willed as you two. Some people actually mean what they say, and follow through on it.

 

So far, every relationship I've had that's ended, has been ended by me over something much less than cheating. So, I have no doubt whatsoever that I would immediately dump someone for fooling around with someone else. If I can break off over an argument, different views, annoying behaviours in my gfs, then I can surely break off if they sleep with someone else.

 

God, after reading that BS, no wonder you haven't had a lasting R. You sound self-centered and immature. How old are you, twelve? I hope you find someone that's as perfect as you as you think you are ... but I highly doubt it since your opinion of yourself is so high there is no way any human being will ever be good enough for you.

 

What'd you doing right now? Correcting the encyclopedia? Just so you know, I looked up the spelling of encyclopedia so as not to offend you with something so trivial as a misspelled word.

[shellys-trying]

mental_traveller...Don't presume to speak for others. You and your friend either did not know your own personalities very well, or lacked the backbone to follow through on your true wishes in the event of adultery. Not everyone is as confused and/or weak-willed as you two. Some people actually mean what they say, and follow through on it.

 

MC's middle name is backbone, so don't presume to think she has none. Neither is she weakwilled.

Since your words show that you've never been in a R long enough to actually feel emotions then it's really wasted for you to give advice, isn't it?

I think you run away from committment, MT. Ya get hurt, sure, if you love but, it's better than running away everytime things get rough.

[mopar crazy]

Thank you Shelly, Melissa, and Lynna, you said practically everything I would of told MT.

 

As for having no backbone. No, I didn't the first 10 years of our M. I was a doormat. When I finally put my foot down my H didn't like it one bit so he found someone else who would worship him, if that is how ya would put it.

 

The week my H said he wanted a D I told him to pack his things and get out. He asked if he could have a couple of days to find a place. The next day two of my friends told me that him and the OW were having an A. Their H's worked w/ H and the OW and seen inappropriate behavior between the two. I confronted H, he denied it. I knew differently. Two days later he moved out. The next night he called and said he thought he made a mistake, maybe we could work on our M. He asked if he thought we could do it or if he should go ahead and file. I told him " Do what you want, but the longer you wait to file the longer it will be that our M is over so we can start our new lives over." He said "Ok, I will file then."

 

Over the course several weeks he would continue to talk about working on our M. I never once begged or pleaded w/ him to work on our M. Even though I was hurting like hell I never once begged him to reconsider ending our M. If I didn't have a backbone I would of been begging and pleading him to stay.

[believinZ]

Your BIL sounds like a total a**hole. I'd disown him too. My H's brother is a dumba** too. Plus, a dopehead. He has no brain cells left to learn to be a decent human being. LOL

My H's aunt told me if I was going to cry about H cheating to do it on my own by myself, not infront of H. It might make him feel bad or uncomfortable. Yeah sure.

This froma woman who, upon hearing H had cheated on me called the whore "H's GF". The thoughtless biddy!

H's family just acts like it never happened. That's when we go around them. I only do that for a funeral. LOL

We had to associuate with them(H's family) earlier this year for a funeral of H's cousin. I ignored all of them that I could without being rude.

I hate dealing with them, too. All I think of is that half of them look at me and think of H cheating on me.

Wow... where have you all been over the last year. I should have thought of this sooner!Your words are so refreshing.I'm really not alone.I have felt like the daughter-inlwas bi$%h for so long now.Everyone says I am the best thing to happen to my H, but they it is very clear who they support and as form my BIL he is the family golden boy, so he can do no wrong the jerk.It is all my fault it seems that things are not back to the status-quo.Thank you for validating my need to just be out of the loop.I feel guilty when I dont want to go to family functions I guess I dont have to eh :-) thank you for the affirmation.I have so much to say, but don't want to take up so much space.Do you ever feel like all you do is complain and deal with your emotions about the A and your H and reconciliation (do it or dont do it).I looked at apts. this past friday, then had a great weekend w/my H and our daughter camping.We have a wonderful time as a family, but when it is just him and me... i dont feel connected emotionally. I think of the OW and him almost everyday and look at him and just knowing he actually touched her, had sex w/her... did things to her that he and I discovered over our 19 year marriage... I trained him to be a good lover how dare she step into MY turf. Does that sound weird... am I weird for thinking this?And who the he!! does she think she is messing w/me and my emotions. AND who the he!! is he for making me fell this low and broken... and how dare ME to allow this in the name of "saving my marriage". I have fought so hard for so long to save my marriage and this is what it took for him to realize he doesn't want to lose me and that he loves me... WTFWTFWTF!!!! sorry... getting angry again... I just want to cry and scream. I've become a major work-a-holic...keeps me busy you know, but my shrink says I need to learn to be more selfish and do things for MYSELF...and how the heck does that work? I seriously have to FORCE myself to just relax... I can't get my brain to shut up. Okay, so now everyone knows Z is depressed and on the edge.The wild thing is... I'm the one that ALWAYS kept crap together...I am the stable one... go figure... I guess we all have our breaking point eh...

[believinZ]

I'm sorry you have to feel this kind of pain. Isn't is just irritating when ppl give the cheating H/W "sympathy"... I mean really. Maybe I am just cold hearted (never something someone would have said about me) but healing from an A does things to a person. I can absolutley understand how hurt and betrayed you might have felt after finding out the "friends" drove even to support him... my family is very supportive of my H also and I am thankful as I know he is, but they also just keep pushing me to work it out..."he's a good man"..."he does love you..."... REALLY... that's all I can every say to those comments... having an A is one heck of a way of showing goodness and love... i know it is not how I have shown my morality and love and respect and I continue to do the best I can. I guess that is all we can do... do the best we can at that moment in our healing... and please know in your heart... it is a healing process and a grieving process... you have to allow yourself the steps and the time you need and not compare your timeline to anyone elses... or how you deal w/it or who you talk to or choose not to talk to... this is an assault on the most intimate levels, so it only stands to reason that we as individuals would deal with it in our intimate way... does that make sense? :-)

[shellys-trying]

I have more of a problem with H's family and their whole attitude after the A than H now.

He atleast acknowledged his wrong in having the A, they act like they did nothing wrong.

[Melissa277]

I have more of a problem with H's family and their whole attitude after the A than H now.

He atleast acknowledged his wrong in having the A, they act like they did nothing wrong.

 

Well, at least they didn't tell you that "a little sex on the side shouldn't ruin a marriage" ... freakin old fart anyway! No wonder his wife stays in their "winter" home year round ... she's probably had a gut full of his "sex on the side." LOL!

 

I just realized that I never mentioned my mother-in-law's reaction to her wonderful son's affair. You know what, she was the absolute best! I even stayed with her for a few weeks after D-day. She got me drunk, took me shopping, took me to a casino, went to some bars with me and mostly listened and agreed while I b*tched and p*ssed and moaned about what a freakin cheatin, lyin, SOB he was. He would call and I would tell her to tell him I either didn't want to talk to him or that I wasn't home. She actually did that for awhile, but then she fnally told me that if I didn't want to talk to him, I would have to tell him myself. She said he was still her son and no matter how big of an ******** he was, she didn't like lying to him. Looking back, I don't know how she stood it. But we are very, very close. Still are, thankfully.

[believinZ]

Well, at least they didn't tell you that "a little sex on the side shouldn't ruin a marriage" ... freakin old fart anyway! No wonder his wife stays in their "winter" home year round ... she's probably had a gut full of his "sex on the side." LOL!

 

I just realized that I never mentioned my mother-in-law's reaction to her wonderful son's affair. You know what, she was the absolute best! I even stayed with her for a few weeks after D-day. She got me drunk, took me shopping, took me to a casino, went to some bars with me and mostly listened and agreed while I b*tched and p*ssed and moaned about what a freakin cheatin, lyin, SOB he was. He would call and I would tell her to tell him I either didn't want to talk to him or that I wasn't home. She actually did that for awhile, but then she fnally told me that if I didn't want to talk to him, I would have to tell him myself. She said he was still her son and no matter how big of an ******** he was, she didn't like lying to him. Looking back, I don't know how she stood it. But we are very, very close. Still are, thankfully.

My MIL and I used to get along fantasticly. This A has made it very clear to me that she loves me... I dont doubt that... BUT, her sons are her sons and I am family, but I am the outsider... however, a lot of that coul be my own doing... I just dont feel comfortable w/ my H's family anymore. I have a very difficult time sitting at family dinners hearing small talk and expected to participate in small talk when all i want to scream is HEY YOU ALL HAVE ISSUES AND YOU HURT PPL... but then again... dont we all have issues? Maybe I should just be more understanding about their inabilities... maybe my expectations are just too high... so I live w/the guilt of not wanting to be a part of the "family" anymore and i put on my good little wife smile and become the daughter in law, sister in law... that everyone expects me to be... blahblahblah... all because I am afraid if I really start talking I will tell them how hurt I am by their lack of loyalty towards in this A crap and how I can't just get over it like they seem to want to happen... i dont want the old status quo and I'm not even sure I still want to be married to their son... and I certainly do not want to have anything to do with my brother in law and I dont want any of them influencing my daughter... they have moral issues and my 14 year angel doesn't need that kind of moral fiber...

[shellys-trying]

In laws like that, which sound alot like H's family, are unique aren't they? (that was meant sarcastically)

 

I can hardly stand to be around them. We've been invited to bbq's already this season and I refuse to go. My H just dreads get them. He doesn't wanna go. He just ignores them and doesn't even give them a courtesy of saying no, just ignores it.

He despises his brother. The guy is a nightmare. A drug induced one. And so is the guy's W.

When my dd started working earlier this yr, BIL came into the store and asked her if she partied and invited her to their home to party.

My dd was so revolted. She said she didn't party with old people. LOL

 

H's aunts are nosey biddies, unless it's about "the A" then they avoid that like the plague. If I had been the one who cheated, I would have been run out of the family on a rail!

I can say now tho', they've done me a favor. I don't have to show them any respect or have them darken my door. They know why I don't invite them over to my home.

I think they have issues in their own midst they need to deal with. I'm just glad I didn't take their advice and I worked my M out in OUR own way, H & I.

[Melissa277]

I had to go to H's neice's graduation party a couple of weeks ago. I was dreading it! I didn't want to see any of them, but went out and bought a new outfit and walked in there with my head held high. After all, he cheated, he lost his job, etc., why the hell should I feel guilty?

 

BIL is great and has been throughout this whole ordeal. He has called a few times so see how we're doing, how I am, etc. He's such a sweet guy. He really understands b/c he cheated on the love of his life a year after they were married. She divorced him and he was devastated. He went and got counseling, read a bunch of self help books and basically became a different person. I never knew why they got divorced until MIL told me when me and H were separated. No one in the family knew he had cheated except his parents. He is now remarried and has three kids and is very happy. At the grad party he said to me "You know, he didn't love her. Believe me, I know." He doesn't know that I know about his cheating, so what he said did make me feel a little better. Of course, sisters-in-law never said or asked anything (they were the ones that called me after D-day and said they felt bad for me, but he is their brother). I made the usual small talk with them but steered clear of them the rest of the party. They are very strange anyway, always have been.

 

Another thing that bothers me about H's side of family is that they are so damn paranoid about his grandmother finding out what he did. They lied and told her that I wasn't happy where we were and wanted to move and so he quit his job. It p*sses me off to no end, but what am I gonna do, send her into cardiac arrest? The woman's 94 for God's sake.

[shellys-trying]

Another thing that bothers me about H's side of family is that they are so damn paranoid about his grandmother finding out what he did. They lied and told her that I wasn't happy where we were and wanted to move and so he quit his job. It p*sses me off to no end, but what am I gonna do, send her into cardiac arrest? The woman's 94 for God's sake.

 

H's grandmother died 2 months after dday. She never found out.

H's mom, who's not all there, if ya know what I mean, she still doesn't know. her mind comes and goes. It wouldn't matter if she did know. She'd just forget it.

H's family has a history of adultery so it's not surprising. His mom and dad both were cheaters, always trying to one up the other. it's really sad.

 

He has an uncle (related by M)who cheated on H's aunt. I didn't know it till after dday, but H's uncle did it once and after that he never did it again. I don't know all the details of it, but they are very happy now. it must have happened over 10 yrs ago or something.

So, cheating can be a one time thing. No matter what some people might say.

The case of Once a cheater always a cheater isn't always the case.

[believinZ]

I had to go to H's neice's graduation party a couple of weeks ago. I was dreading it! I didn't want to see any of them, but went out and bought a new outfit and walked in there with my head held high. After all, he cheated, he lost his job, etc., why the hell should I feel guilty?

 

BIL is great and has been throughout this whole ordeal. He has called a few times so see how we're doing, how I am, etc. He's such a sweet guy. He really understands b/c he cheated on the love of his life a year after they were married. She divorced him and he was devastated. He went and got counseling, read a bunch of self help books and basically became a different person. I never knew why they got divorced until MIL told me when me and H were separated. No one in the family knew he had cheated except his parents. He is now remarried and has three kids and is very happy. At the grad party he said to me "You know, he didn't love her. Believe me, I know." He doesn't know that I know about his cheating, so what he said did make me feel a little better. Of course, sisters-in-law never said or asked anything (they were the ones that called me after D-day and said they felt bad for me, but he is their brother). I made the usual small talk with them but steered clear of them the rest of the party. They are very strange anyway, always have been.

 

Another thing that bothers me about H's side of family is that they are so damn paranoid about his grandmother finding out what he did. They lied and told her that I wasn't happy where we were and wanted to move and so he quit his job. It p*sses me off to no end, but what am I gonna do, send her into cardiac arrest? The woman's 94 for God's sake.

Oh my gosh my in-laws are the same way... noone wants Gram to find out anything either... personally, i think she is the smartest of the bunch and already knows. She tells me she loves me all the time and makes it a point to talk with me one on one. I respect the family's ways of doing things... maybe that's wrong I dont know... I guess i am playing the game still myself... but I dont involve myself much anymore. I'm not sure about father's day this year though... they want us to ocme over for a BBQ...I'm not sure i'm in the mood to deal with BIL or his wife... I am feeling a bit catty so might not be a good thing to go...