shellys-trying Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Oh great, I have 5+ more years to go... If you can find humor in it after only one yr after dday (am I right? or is my math off?) then you are doing pretty good. I've found that a sense of humor can come in handy in even the most awful situations.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 If you can find humor in it after only one yr after dday (am I right? or is my math off?) then you are doing pretty good. I've found that a sense of humor can come in handy in even the most awful situations. It's been less than one year but then, I had a lot of support and went through therapy. I was damned if I was going to allow anyone to drag me down.
shellys-trying Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 The only therapist I had was The Man Upstairs, so it's been a long hard haul, with me miserably fighting all the way to stay miserable and woe is me, but it's alot better. I had some family and friends who were supportive. Mostly, I did it all by myself. I have a strong sense of survival. My kids helped a whole lot and my H, of course.
Scrivdog Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think you're right on. You'll get flamed to no end for this, so my hat's off to you for your courage Call me weird, but... I think an affair can bring a new thrill in a marriage (currently I know I would dump his ass, but I am trying to see all the sides). The husband you were bored with, the one that you could take or not, the one that you stopped looking at when he undresses, whose jokes you don't appreciate anymore, cuz you've heard them all... suddenly becomes interesting to another woman. And you go like "Well, well... let's see what do we have here... I ain't giving it for free to any woman." It's like somebody finding an old coin in your attic and offering you a $100,000 for it. You won't keep it in the attic anymore, now will you? You take it out and put it in the most precious box in your bedroom - now it has a value for you. You don't want to sell it, you don't really need it or want it, but now you KNOW it's expensive... then somebody tries to steal it and you fight for it. The same coin that you forgot you had. Just one perspective...
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Call me weird, but... I think an affair can bring a new thrill in a marriage (currently I know I would dump his ass, but I am trying to see all the sides). The husband you were bored with, the one that you could take or not, the one that you stopped looking at when he undresses, whose jokes you don't appreciate anymore, cuz you've heard them all... suddenly becomes interesting to another woman. And you go like "Well, well... let's see what do we have here... I ain't giving it for free to any woman." It's like somebody finding an old coin in your attic and offering you a $100,000 for it. You won't keep it in the attic anymore, now will you? You take it out and put it in the most precious box in your bedroom - now it has a value for you. You don't want to sell it, you don't really need it or want it, but now you KNOW it's expensive... then somebody tries to steal it and you fight for it. The same coin that you forgot you had. Just one perspective... Well, I gotta say that I disagree with you in many ways, but especially with the first line. An affair does not bring a "thrill" into a marriage. At least not a positive thrill. Murder is thrilling when you watch it in a movie, but when you experience it first hand, you're just dead. As far as your comparison to the old coin. . . I think the person who is all of a sudden finding value in what they saw as worthless is the betrayer rather than the betrayed. It seems most often that what renews the marriage is the realization on the part of the betrayer of what they are losing when the wife leaves due to the discovered infidelity. Just another perspective. . .
Author mopar crazy Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 I agree with mc, RP. There's nothing sexy or thrilling about a man that cheats. For me, when D-day arrived, it literally made me sick to my stomach enough to vomit. After that, the thought of him ever touching me intimately again was enough to make me nauseous. I kid you not... I know. I couldn't eat. And when I did I just got sick. Like Shelly I lost a lot of weight the first month or two when I found out about his A. The thought of him sleeping w/ another woman after we had been together 13 years (M 11) made me feel sick also. The thought of him having his hands all over the OW, having sex w/ her made me nauseated. I hate to admit I used sex as a weapon to try to win him back. Even though we were separated he spent most of his nights w/ me. On the weekends though I went back to my hometown to spend w/ my parents or my sister. I couldn't handle just sitting at home bawling my eyes out all weekend long so I needed the company and support of my family. I had the worst nightmares about them having sex. One dream I felt like I was right in the room watching them and heard her moaning his name. I woke up wishing it was all just a dream and it wasn't. Again, the tears started falling. I couldn't take it anymore so I went and seen my doctor to prescribe me some anti-depressants and sleep medication. It was the worst pain I had ever went through. I never knew my heart could hurt so much as it did when he was having an A. It was hardly a thrill.
shellys-trying Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I hate those kinda dreams! I have one about once every 3 or 4 months. I don't know what triggers the dreams either. I had a dream last week where I actually sat down and had a peaceful convo with the skank H cheated with. I was nice. She was nice. Then H walked in and acted like he was happy to see her. It was awful, even in the dream. Ugh! I woke up soon after and my day was just shot. H always knows when I have a nightmare like that and he asked me and I told him about it. He always feels bad because I still have the occasional dream. This time I tried to brush it off by jokingly asking him why can't he have nightmares about the slut.
believinZ Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I hate those kinda dreams! I have one about once every 3 or 4 months. I don't know what triggers the dreams either. I had a dream last week where I actually sat down and had a peaceful convo with the skank H cheated with. I was nice. She was nice. Then H walked in and acted like he was happy to see her. It was awful, even in the dream. Ugh! I woke up soon after and my day was just shot. H always knows when I have a nightmare like that and he asked me and I told him about it. He always feels bad because I still have the occasional dream. This time I tried to brush it off by jokingly asking him why can't he have nightmares about the slut. Well, I am new here and I am certainly glad to know that I am not crazy, but other ppl who have been cheated on have dreams too. It has been just over a year since my husband had an affair and he's real good at compartmentalizing things. I really don't know where to start right now... I just registered so I didnt' feel alone and crazy about how I feel and these "triggers" that ... well hurt really is all I can say. I too lost a lot of weight, feel a lot of resentment and (I was reading the earlier pgs of this stuff) did indeed talk to my friends. I was disgusted to read harley chick/girl whatever's responses on page 1. I'm guessing she/he doesn't have friends to really talk to in the first place... how very sad. I'm sorry I have not reached a place where I could actually have sympathy for someone who cheated...as far as I am concerned it is a cowardly thing to do. Yes, I am still w/my husband of now 19 years... off and on we are right now on... somewhat... sorry, I am rambling... I just wanted to say thanks for making me know my dreams are valid and I'm not insane (and yes we are in counseling). anyhow... thanks
Author mopar crazy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Posted June 9, 2007 Well, I am new here and I am certainly glad to know that I am not crazy, but other ppl who have been cheated on have dreams too. It has been just over a year since my husband had an affair and he's real good at compartmentalizing things. I really don't know where to start right now... I just registered so I didnt' feel alone and crazy about how I feel and these "triggers" that ... well hurt really is all I can say. I too lost a lot of weight, feel a lot of resentment and (I was reading the earlier pgs of this stuff) did indeed talk to my friends. I was disgusted to read harley chick/girl whatever's responses on page 1. I'm guessing she/he doesn't have friends to really talk to in the first place... how very sad. I'm sorry I have not reached a place where I could actually have sympathy for someone who cheated...as far as I am concerned it is a cowardly thing to do. Yes, I am still w/my husband of now 19 years... off and on we are right now on... somewhat... sorry, I am rambling... I just wanted to say thanks for making me know my dreams are valid and I'm not insane (and yes we are in counseling). anyhow... thanks Yea, HG was pretty harsh on her opinion about the BW telling her family and friends. I even found it hard to believe she is a BW even though she said she is. All ppl handle problems differently and HG believes telling ppl about the WS A is wrong. If that is her opinion then that is fine, but she didn't have to be so harsh about it. She had a lot of venom to spew about it. No, you are not crazy. I'm sorry you found yourself in this position. I wish I would of found this site during the time of the A but like you, I didn't find it until almost a year later and then started posting. I bet I would of done a lot of things differently if I had this place to come to during the A. I'm glad you are in counseling. WH and I were separated 90 miles apart so it was kind of hard to go to counseling appt together. We both did IC for a few months, should of done it longer but like Shelly, I look to God for guidance. Shelly, I know what you mean about the dreams. I have them occasionally and it sucks. I haven't had one in awhile and I don't know what triggers them to happen. The one you had is just weird. I wonder what the meaning of it is? Maybe you have actually forgiven the xOW. I have forgiven the xOW share of the A. I still don't like her, but I don't feel hate towards her as much as I did at first.
believinZ Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Yea, HG was pretty harsh on her opinion about the BW telling her family and friends. I even found it hard to believe she is a BW even though she said she is. All ppl handle problems differently and HG believes telling ppl about the WS A is wrong. If that is her opinion then that is fine, but she didn't have to be so harsh about it. She had a lot of venom to spew about it. No, you are not crazy. I'm sorry you found yourself in this position. I wish I would of found this site during the time of the A but like you, I didn't find it until almost a year later and then started posting. I bet I would of done a lot of things differently if I had this place to come to during the A. I'm glad you are in counseling. WH and I were separated 90 miles apart so it was kind of hard to go to counseling appt together. We both did IC for a few months, should of done it longer but like Shelly, I look to God for guidance. Shelly, I know what you mean about the dreams. I have them occasionally and it sucks. I haven't had one in awhile and I don't know what triggers them to happen. The one you had is just weird. I wonder what the meaning of it is? Maybe you have actually forgiven the xOW. I have forgiven the xOW share of the A. I still don't like her, but I don't feel hate towards her as much as I did at first. Thanks for the response. I'm trying to get used to the acronyms :-). I have a family who is very close to God and I do get a lot of advice about how to look to God for help in all of this. I have off/on. I remember when I was a little girl I had a lot of faith. This, and my marriage in general, have taken me down so many roads that I have questioned my faith often. I question it now because I know forgiveness is something I should do. I can't. I know that forgiving is something I do for myself. But, I can't. I still have so much resentment and anger. The other woman is the next door neighbor to my brother in law (who happens to have been the one to set the two up... he denies it... long story). So so so many lies. I am totally resentful of in-laws and at one time we were so close. I am 40 and have spent over half of my life with this family. I feel like it is all just dead to me now. I have a lot of serious anger. I am also in "IC" for my own issues and depression. This has also made me suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and some issues from childhood abuses. Basicly, it seems that if you have morals and expectations you get scr*wed. I know this isn't true in my logical mind... but, my heart is totally shattered and the healing takes time... one thing my H says he wants to give me, but the reality he doesn't. He's moved on, he loves me, he wants the marriage, but he doesn't want to talk about my feelings, dreams, trust issues etc. SO, basicly, I hear him telling me to get over it or deal with it on my own, but if I for one second make him feel unappreciated... who is to say he won't go back to her or someone else... that was his original reason for straying in the first place... even though for years I told him I felt that way and begged him to go to counseling w/me. Guess it didnt' matter then... afterall those were just my delusional feelings (sorry... can you hear the resentment in my tone.... :-S). We have a 14 year old daughter... this makes leaving difficult... not to mention that I have been this one and only man married for 19 together for 22. I'm scared to death to not make this work, and I'm miserable trying to make it work YET AGAIN... thanks for letting me vent! Z.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Posted June 9, 2007 Thanks for the response. I'm trying to get used to the acronyms :-). I have a family who is very close to God and I do get a lot of advice about how to look to God for help in all of this. I have off/on. I remember when I was a little girl I had a lot of faith. This, and my marriage in general, have taken me down so many roads that I have questioned my faith often. I question it now because I know forgiveness is something I should do. I can't. I know that forgiving is something I do for myself. But, I can't. I still have so much resentment and anger. The other woman is the next door neighbor to my brother in law (who happens to have been the one to set the two up... he denies it... long story). So so so many lies. I am totally resentful of in-laws and at one time we were so close. I am 40 and have spent over half of my life with this family. I feel like it is all just dead to me now. I have a lot of serious anger. I am also in "IC" for my own issues and depression. This has also made me suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and some issues from childhood abuses. Basicly, it seems that if you have morals and expectations you get scr*wed. I know this isn't true in my logical mind... but, my heart is totally shattered and the healing takes time... one thing my H says he wants to give me, but the reality he doesn't. He's moved on, he loves me, he wants the marriage, but he doesn't want to talk about my feelings, dreams, trust issues etc. SO, basicly, I hear him telling me to get over it or deal with it on my own, but if I for one second make him feel unappreciated... who is to say he won't go back to her or someone else... that was his original reason for straying in the first place... even though for years I told him I felt that way and begged him to go to counseling w/me. Guess it didnt' matter then... afterall those were just my delusional feelings (sorry... can you hear the resentment in my tone.... :-S). We have a 14 year old daughter... this makes leaving difficult... not to mention that I have been this one and only man married for 19 together for 22. I'm scared to death to not make this work, and I'm miserable trying to make it work YET AGAIN... thanks for letting me vent! Z. You're welcome. Your WH sounds very familiar to mine on the situation. He also feels the way your H does about the A. He always kept telling me to get over it and move on. It's not that easy. And we were ones that had the A would they just get over it and move on? NO! In fact I think my H would of made my life a total he!! if I had an A. I think a part of him would be hurt but I think 90% of it would be total anger and disgust that I had an A. For me, it was mostly hurt. I couldn't believe he would cheat on me and put me through that kind of pain. For years he would accuse me of stepping out on him and then he was the one that did it. I couldn't go out w/ my friends w/o getting asked a bunch of questions. He would always ask me who I talked to, who I flirted w/, who bought me drinks. It was to the point where I didn't want to go out anymore b/c I knew I would get asked all those questions. This makes me believe he was the one that has the self esteem issues even though he acts conceited, deep down he is insecure when it comes to our M. My parents are both Christians. They both told me that God does not like D but if there is infidelity in an M He gives us permission to get a D. God does not tolerate infidelity in an A. I know God wants us to forgive, and I believe we should. But I don't believe God would disapprove of a D b/c of infidelity. My mom gave me a Bible verse to look up on infidelity. I wish I could remember what it was. I am so very sorry that your own BIL set your H up w/ the OW! That is just awful! What a jerk for doing that to you! How does your sister feel about his behavior? Keep going to the IC,, I think that is great. I should have went longer than what I did.
Lynna Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 [COLOR=black]Well, this has been a really interesting post. Took me awhile to read it all! I have been faced with this question too, but from myself. I have to admit, that I myself do not feel comfortable telling any of my friends about my husband's affair. But that has left me with no one to talk to about it. I am glad that I finally found LS and have people to share with who know what I have been through.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I personally do not want to talk to any of my friends about it because I don't want them to treat my husband or us as a couple differently. It would be embarrassing to me. My husband had his affair because of self-esteem issues. When a young, sexy woman found him attractive, he succumbed. I don't want to explain his insecurities or my inadequacies to our friends. I don't want their pity. And I don't want my female friends to attack him, which I am sure would come as they tried to show their support for me.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I will admit though, if I had wanted to end things, or ESPECIALLY if he had been wanting to end things as a result of all this, I would feel completely different about it all. If my marriage were completely ruined by all this, through no choice of my own then I would be telling our friends about it in an instant! And I can imagine that I would want him to feel at least some of the emotional pain that I was going through. So I can see both sides of the story.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I never stopped loving my husband despite how much it devastated me when I found out about his affair. I too was physically ill and still fight the thoughts of them together, wonder whether he compares us, etc. I am still fighting the depression too. And I have had dreams, and yes, they are AWFUL. In this regard it helps me to try to think of her as I do his ex-girlfriends, from before he ever met me. They were always there in his memories too, I can't get rid of them. Granted, the situation is WAY different, but if I want to move forward in our life together, and I can't bear the thought of living without him, then I CAN'T allow her (or the thought of her) to control my emotions and thoughts. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I do not give her, or my husband my consent to make me feel inferior about thier affair.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]To me, personally, telling my friends about the affair would be giving that consent, I would be allowing him, her, and them to make me feel bad about the whole thing. Yes, I need to talk about it and resolve my feelings about it, but I will do that with the help of a therapist and my husband.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]But we are all different, as many people have said. Each of us has to deal with our personal situations in our own way. We can share our thoughts and experiences here on LS to help us cope and to give us new insights into our own situation. That is why I have shared my thoughts here. Everything that you all have said has helped me consider and reflect on my situation. But in the end, we each must make the decision that seems the best for us personally. Sometimes we may later regret that decision, sometimes not. There is no one, single, right answer that applies for us all. We must respect that and respect each other.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Sorry this ended up WAY longer than I had planned![/COLOR]
shellys-trying Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I guess people handle their WSs different than others.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 [COLOR=black]Well, this has been a really interesting post. Took me awhile to read it all! I have been faced with this question too, but from myself. I have to admit, that I myself do not feel comfortable telling any of my friends about my husband's affair. But that has left me with no one to talk to about it. I am glad that I finally found LS and have people to share with who know what I have been through.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I personally do not want to talk to any of my friends about it because I don't want them to treat my husband or us as a couple differently. It would be embarrassing to me. My husband had his affair because of self-esteem issues. When a young, sexy woman found him attractive, he succumbed. I don't want to explain his insecurities or my inadequacies to our friends. I don't want their pity. And I don't want my female friends to attack him, which I am sure would come as they tried to show their support for me.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I will admit though, if I had wanted to end things, or ESPECIALLY if he had been wanting to end things as a result of all this, I would feel completely different about it all. If my marriage were completely ruined by all this, through no choice of my own then I would be telling our friends about it in an instant! And I can imagine that I would want him to feel at least some of the emotional pain that I was going through. So I can see both sides of the story.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I never stopped loving my husband despite how much it devastated me when I found out about his affair. I too was physically ill and still fight the thoughts of them together, wonder whether he compares us, etc. I am still fighting the depression too. And I have had dreams, and yes, they are AWFUL. In this regard it helps me to try to think of her as I do his ex-girlfriends, from before he ever met me. They were always there in his memories too, I can't get rid of them. Granted, the situation is WAY different, but if I want to move forward in our life together, and I can't bear the thought of living without him, then I CAN'T allow her (or the thought of her) to control my emotions and thoughts. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I do not give her, or my husband my consent to make me feel inferior about thier affair.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]To me, personally, telling my friends about the affair would be giving that consent, I would be allowing him, her, and them to make me feel bad about the whole thing. Yes, I need to talk about it and resolve my feelings about it, but I will do that with the help of a therapist and my husband.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]But we are all different, as many people have said. Each of us has to deal with our personal situations in our own way. We can share our thoughts and experiences here on LS to help us cope and to give us new insights into our own situation. That is why I have shared my thoughts here. Everything that you all have said has helped me consider and reflect on my situation. But in the end, we each must make the decision that seems the best for us personally. Sometimes we may later regret that decision, sometimes not. There is no one, single, right answer that applies for us all. We must respect that and respect each other.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Sorry this ended up WAY longer than I had planned![/COLOR] I do understand your reasoning for not telling anyone about your WH infidelity. If my H and I were NOT getting a D then I would of been quiet about it myself. Like you, I wouldn't want ppl treating us differently as a couple but then again, I don't think they would. One of the guys had an A w/ one of my good friends and no one treated him and his W differently. Our (well mostly H's) group of friends are wonderful ppl and I really enjoy hanging out w/ them, I don't think they would of treated us any more differently. My friends and family, now that is a different story. They were extremely upset at my H. But, it didn't matter at the time, we were going through a D. When H wanted to R they were there for me to support me and said they would stand by me in whatever decision I wanted to make. It took my sis and BIL a few years to accept him back into the family and forgive him for his A but they eventually did. My brothers were pissed at him, but they didn't treat him badly.
shellys-trying Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Ya know, it was different with my family. After H cheated and they found out, they didn't really treat him any different. They all acted like it didn't happen, like it wasn't any of their business and they weren't making any comments because the whole thing was between me and H. personally, I would have liked some support from my family. I had one aunt who told me not to let him disrespect me. Umm, too late. I was hurt at my family. I feel like they condoned it by not atleast standing up for me. Not that I can't stand up for myself, but it would've been nice to have someone have my back. That was really hard standing alone. The only person I remember who really was on my side was my H's cousin. She wanted me to move on and take care of myself and the kids. She'd recently been thru a D and it hit home for her, so I appreciate her support. My own mom made out like H's cheating was something I had contributed to happening. That was very hard for me to get over and forgive her for. A person can forgive something someone they care about does to them, but forget? That's near impossible.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Ya know, it was different with my family. After H cheated and they found out, they didn't really treat him any different. They all acted like it didn't happen, like it wasn't any of their business and they weren't making any comments because the whole thing was between me and H. personally, I would have liked some support from my family. I had one aunt who told me not to let him disrespect me. Umm, too late. I was hurt at my family. I feel like they condoned it by not atleast standing up for me. Not that I can't stand up for myself, but it would've been nice to have someone have my back. That was really hard standing alone. The only person I remember who really was on my side was my H's cousin. She wanted me to move on and take care of myself and the kids. She'd recently been thru a D and it hit home for her, so I appreciate her support. My own mom made out like H's cheating was something I had contributed to happening. That was very hard for me to get over and forgive her for. A person can forgive something someone they care about does to them, but forget? That's near impossible. Shelly, it had to be hard to have your family, especially your own mother, treat the A that way. I was shocked when you first told me that she somehow blamed you for the A! I don't care how bitchy a W is, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. If the W if a bitch (and I'm not saying you were) the H needs to talk to his W, seek MC, instead of having an A.
shellys-trying Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 It's easy to become bitchy with a H who didin't know how to show the woman he M he loves her, in words and deeds. I once watched a movie that spoke about if you weren't shown love only silence, you just withered away until there wasn't anything left. I think this happened to me. I just waited and waited and prayed and waited for H to show he cared about me, I just got bitter. There was no one to defend me, but me. What was I supposed to do when I'd spent year after year of not getting anything but some lip service "ILY's"? Continue to roll over and act like I was just the happiest W? yeah, I could've D'd, but I believed in him and our M that someday he would turn around and look at me and see me and say ILY and really mean it. I have always been a romantic at heart. I believed till dday he would change. He did change and he did see me, but only after cheating on me and seeing how it crippled me emotionally. I remember asking him after he told me about the A, do you know what you've done to me? I would only wish that kind of pain on the homewrecker who cheated with H.
believinZ Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I understand your position 100%. We have several things in common. My family has been wonderful and supportive for both me and my H (they really want it to work out because my H and I were "the couple" for years) his family (and it was his brother who set him up w/the OW: I'm an only child) his family treats it like the giant elephant sitting in the middle of the room no one wants to acknowledge. For this, I have really taken myself out of the "family" picture... this is my choice for my own sanity and comfort level while I am healing. I seem to see everyone in a different light now... I think I had rose colored glasses on...I tried so hard to be "right"...I grew up w/ a small family and fell in love w/my H's family as much as I did him. However, the way they have really just my brother in law off the hook for his part in this... hurt me drasticly. My BIL also was ruthless to me.. saying that "his brother deserved to be happy" and really made it out like I did something to deserve this. I get panicy when I have to do "family" things w/my Hs family. I just really dont' know I should try.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ your H's brother who introduced the OW to him. His brother deserves to be happy but he went about it the wrong way! What an *********! As for the family functions, if it were me in this situation I would tell my H if his brother is going to be there I refused to go. I just couldn't do it. I would want to punch the living daylights out of him!
shellys-trying Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I understand your position 100%. We have several things in common. My family has been wonderful and supportive for both me and my H (they really want it to work out because my H and I were "the couple" for years) his family (and it was his brother who set him up w/the OW: I'm an only child) his family treats it like the giant elephant sitting in the middle of the room no one wants to acknowledge. For this, I have really taken myself out of the "family" picture... this is my choice for my own sanity and comfort level while I am healing. I seem to see everyone in a different light now... I think I had rose colored glasses on...I tried so hard to be "right"...I grew up w/ a small family and fell in love w/my H's family as much as I did him. However, the way they have really just my brother in law off the hook for his part in this... hurt me drasticly. My BIL also was ruthless to me.. saying that "his brother deserved to be happy" and really made it out like I did something to deserve this. I get panicy when I have to do "family" things w/my Hs family. I just really dont' know I should try. Your BIL sounds like a total a**hole. I'd disown him too. My H's brother is a dumba** too. Plus, a dopehead. He has no brain cells left to learn to be a decent human being. LOL My H's aunt told me if I was going to cry about H cheating to do it on my own by myself, not infront of H. It might make him feel bad or uncomfortable. Yeah sure. This froma woman who, upon hearing H had cheated on me called the whore "H's GF". The thoughtless biddy! H's family just acts like it never happened. That's when we go around them. I only do that for a funeral. LOL We had to associuate with them(H's family) earlier this year for a funeral of H's cousin. I ignored all of them that I could without being rude. I hate dealing with them, too. All I think of is that half of them look at me and think of H cheating on me.
shellys-trying Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ your H's brother who introduced the OW to him. His brother deserves to be happy but he went about it the wrong way! What an *********! As for the family functions, if it were me in this situation I would tell my H if his brother is going to be there I refused to go. I just couldn't do it. I would want to punch the living daylights out of him! I tell my H he's more than welcome to go see his family anytime he wants to. I refuse to go. I don't owe those people anything or any respect. That's especially how I feel about H's brother and wife, both known dopeheads. They'd sell their souls for a dime bag or a snort. Losers!
Lynna Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 That is just horrible when family does not stand up for you! I am so sorry for your situations. It is bad enough that you have to live with it, and then to have them treat you like that when it was not YOUR fault! I don't know if it helps, but some of us out here in cyberspace at least are on your side! I guess in one way that is why I know I never want my family of my husband's family to find out, because I am pretty sure that on both sides they would be on my side and they would make his life miserable! He has been in a few bad relationships before and his family all think I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I think his brothers would kill him! But my choice to not tell anyone, friends or family has its toll too, because I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. I am so glad that I finally found LS! Everyone's words of support have helped a TON! And most people are pretty accepting of different view points and stories, we all know it helps just to vent and get some validation for our feelings!!!
shellys-trying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Where I might have needed to tell, you might not. There may come a time when you may want to talk to his or your family about it.
Lynna Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Good point Shelly. Who knows what will happen in the future. Never say never, right?
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