Do you ever get asked why you reconciled after your WS infidelity?

[mopar crazy]

It really bugs me when ppl ask BS "Why did you take them back?" Or "Why are you staying w/ him/her if they cheated on you?"

 

I have been friends w/ a woman for about 2 years. As we became friends I told her of my WH infidelity. She said she could never stay M to her H if he was unfaithful. She asked me how I could do it? How could I take him back and work on our M after what he did to me. I explained why, I told her, unless it happens to you, you will never know what you would do, stay or leave the M.

 

FF to a year later...guess what? Her H had TWO A and she is still w/ him.

 

 

They are still together and I can tell her positive attitude about her H and their M has gone downhill. I feel so badly for her. I hope they can mend their M and he doesn't do it again.

 

Even my dad said he wouldn't know what he would do if my mom ever cheated on him. You don't know what you would do unless it happens. I always thought if my H had an A I would kick his cheating a$$ to the curb, and even told him that. Well, I didn't. I took him back when he came crawling back to me, asking me to try reconciling the M.

[harleygirl92156]

Why would you tell a friend about your husbands cheating???? What good does it do you marriage when you are out doggin' him to your friends and airing your dirty laundry to others.

 

That is something private between husband and wife and a marriage counselor hopefully.

 

Does it make you feel like your better than him when you tell your friends what a terrible thing he did to you? Take your victim hat off if you really want to work on the marriage and stop putting your hubby down to others.

 

Did you stay because you love him and want the marriage to work or did you stay because it gives you the upper hand in the marriage and you can continue to wear your "oh poor me" hat?

[Trialbyfire]

Why would you tell a friend about your husbands cheating???? What good does it do you marriage when you are out doggin' him to your friends and airing your dirty laundry to others.

 

That is something private between husband and wife and a marriage counselor hopefully.

 

Does it make you feel like your better than him when you tell your friends what a terrible thing he did to you? Take your victim hat off if you really want to work on the marriage and stop putting your hubby down to others.

 

Did you stay because you love him and want the marriage to work or did you stay because it gives you the upper hand in the marriage and you can continue to wear your "oh poor me" hat?

That's an odd question. Why wouldn't you confide in a friend when you're going through some of the worst trauma you've ever experienced? The only person who would want it to be a secret would be the wayward spouse, who she really owes nothing to. He's still her spouse by her grace, alone.

[harleygirl92156]

Why is that an odd question? I do not understand why, if willing to work on the marriage, the BS would discuss it with friends. It is private, something husband and wife must discuss together if both want to save the marriage, bringing others into it just wrong. If you love the man/woman and want to stay with them WHY would you talk with others about their misgivings, dogin' them to your friends is just not productive toward a healthy relationship. If you feel the need to talk about it, well, that is what counselors are for!!

 

In my opinion, and it is just my opinion, BS who run all over telling everyone what the WS did to "poor little me" is just trying to find alias to side with them against the WS. Not condusive to working toward a healthy relationship.

 

If cheating is a deal breaker for you....have at it. Tell everyone you can or who will listen. Think it will keep others from dating them....haha....not, just makes them more attractive to some. Weird, but true.

 

This is just my opinion, it isn't gospel or law, just simply how I feel about it. Take what you want and leave the rest.....and yes I have been cheated on by my husband and I have stayed with him and we have worked out our marriage and currently have a healthy loving relationship. I came on here and ranted and raved, BUT no one on here knows me or my hubby so it was a safe place to vent and get it out of my system. I also counseled, but I never ran to all my friends and degraded my spouse. How uncomfortable would it be for him to go out for supper with another couple knowing I had spilled my guts to her about his cheating and you know she told her husband....no, he made a mistake and for a while I hated him and thought of revenge, but never in this way. Once I got healthy I realized, I had as many problems as he did and I needed to work on my problems before we could work on the relationship.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Mopar, I dont think you were wrong to tell. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Your friend just didn't know. We (all) never thought it would ever happen to us. It's so common. My friends didn't judge me. I thought they would, but they didn't. They shared their experiences with me and rallied around me.

 

Poor little me? WTF is that all about. I got friends all over the place watching FWS and the xOW like a hawk. You better believe people know, and don't think that they wouldn't know, even if it wasn't told to them. And you can think badly of me, or decide that I'm letting him down for telling people. I call it damage control for all the demonizing he did during the affair, you know, the bad wife/mother routine to justify his affair. Keeping me at home while he went out and had a good time while bashing my reputation.

[mopar crazy]

WTF is your problem Harley? I didn't post this thread to have your biker a$$ jump all over it b/c I told a friend about my WH infidelity. I posted it b/c ppl shouldn't ask BS why they took their WS back or didn't leave them and was wondering if anyone else had this happen to them. Who sh@t in your Cheerios?

 

MY H actually left me for the OW. I heard it from FRIENDS that they were having an A. Do you read that right? FRIENDS told me! I suppose they weren't suppose to say anything either? Oh, I suppose I wasn't suppose to tell my parents and my siblings either that my H left me for some skanky slut who gets off on f@cking other women's' H, right? You bet I was going to tell friends what a lying, cheating, pr!ck he was. You're damn right. That ***** was getting spread ALL over town. Oh, but wait, his stupid, cheating a$$ came crawling back to me when his poor little whore wasn't all what she was cracked up to be. Guess he realized what a dumba$$ he was for risking our M for some factory bicycle slut. I just loved hearing him beg for reconciliation.

 

My WH A was 4 years ago. I have moved past it. I will never forget his A but I can forgive him. I felt comfortable enough in confiding in my friend what happened in our M, why I moved back to my hometown, b/c of him leaving me and his A. I knew she wouldn't run and tell everyone. And besides, if H is so f@cking worried about me telling ppl about his A w/ some whore then I guess he should of kept his d!ck in his pants. Yes, I am the victim in the A, but I'm not wearing a poor me hat on anymore either. I don't want ppl to feel sorry for me, what I want is for ppl to say "I think it's great you tried reconciling on your M to see if it can survive." and not "WHY would you take your cheating S back?"

 

Not everyone knows about my H's A. I don't run and tell every person I meet.

 

Gotta run. I don't have time to explain myself to you.

 

Thanks to the other posters for their kind words.

[harleygirl92156]

my H left me for some skanky slut who gets off on f@cking other women's' H, right? You bet I was going to tell friends what a lying, cheating, pr!ck he was. You're damn right. That ***** was getting spread ALL over town. Oh, but wait, his stupid, cheating a$$ came crawling back to me when his poor little whore wasn't all what she was cracked up to be. Guess he realized what a dumba$$ he was for risking our M for some factory bicycle slut. I just loved hearing him beg for reconciliation.

 

My WH A was 4 years ago. I have moved past it. I will never forget his A but I can forgive him. I felt comfortable enough in confiding in my friend what happened in our M, why I moved back to my hometown, b/c of him leaving me and his A. I knew she wouldn't run and tell everyone. And besides, if H is so f@cking worried about me telling ppl about his A w/ some whore then I guess he should of kept his d!ck in his pants. Yes, I am the victim in the A, but I'm not wearing a poor me hat on anymore either. I don't want ppl to feel sorry for me, what I want is for ppl to say "I think it's great you tried reconciling on your M to see if it can survive." and not "WHY would you take your cheating S back?"

 

.

 

Yea, sounds like you forgave him......NOT.....if this is how you talk about someone you have forgiven I would certainly not to be someone you didn't forgive!!!!

 

All I can say is ''I feel very sorry for your husband he must live a horrible existance."

 

It isn't about love, its about you winning.

[Ruby Tuesday]

The same could be said for you Harley. Get off your high horse because your marriage isnt anymore "safe" than Mopar's (or mine is) because you didnt tell anybody, or because you claim you have forgiven him. It certianly doesnt mean you're a better wife, or that you have a better marriage than Mopar's. I think Mopar just might make it because she is strong minded and forthright about her feelings.

 

MC how much you want to bet Harley's FWS lied his (selfish) ass off and denied what happened? Well, it's true. He lied his ass off like every other FWS on the planet. Its not what it looks like! I always loved you, honey boo! OW never meant anything to me, sugar! I swear on the lives of my children! And dont forget the famous "I don't know" responses LOL.

 

In fact Harley, you really do sound rather naive and insecure to me, putting your fellow BS down and making snide comments about their horrible marriage. You're not gleaming example of a perfect marriage, my little shining star. Your old man tossed your M in the ditch too. He was a liar and a drunk and I know that you certianly got your hands full, why are you so worried about Mopar's marriage? I would think that you should be more concerened with fixing your own fu*cked up marriage to waste your time passing judgement somebody else's marriage.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Why would you tell a friend about your husbands cheating???? What good does it do you marriage when you are out doggin' him to your friends and airing your dirty laundry to others.

 

 

There are alot of reason why a BS confides to a friend.

 

First and foremost...becasue they want to be able to get it off there chest. They want consoling. Its very hard to live all alone with this betrayel inside.

 

I didnt tell many people...not at first.

 

I told my parents. because they KNEW something was up and I just felt the need to tell them what had happened, I asked them not to judge my wayward wife and I asked for them to support us in our recovery. I needed them to KNOW why I was in the dumps.

 

I also told my 2 bosses. Because I KNEW I was going to be a wreck and it would affect my job. I needed them to know what has happening in my private life so that when I needed time away from work...or if my work was slipping...they knew WHY.

 

I then told ONE close friend that was in my inner circle of friends. Only because he told me of some things happening in his marriage. And I felt safe in confiding in what I was going thru....so we could share some pain together and heal together.

 

I told one distant friend, simply because he is a christain and I need that kind of support at the time.

 

I didnt tell any one else, until MUCH later in the recovery....like 2 years later. Mostly because i was embarrassed. But over time I was able to share what had happened to me and my wife. I have shared my story with a handfull of other friends now. Mostly because most of them were either directly or indirectly affected by cheating in there relationships.

 

And after doing this....I have found a sence of relief. I dont have to hide it anymore. There are 3 friends in particular that I think I helped becasue I told them. They and I could use each others experince to learn and grow. There is one that I still help. he is in the middle of reconcile and hits me up with alot of quesitons about HOW a WS behaves in the early stages of recovery. I know were hes at...and by giving him my take on things...it eases his GUT. And it also gives HOPE that it can be repaired.

 

NOW....did I ever bash my wife in any of this. ABSOLUTLY NOT. Did I want to....HELL YES. But that aint me and it would only create tension I didnt need. I wanted to bash her...I wanted to paint the REAL picture so that these friends KNEW what a liar she was. But I only told them what she did, I did not demonize her though...I just told the facts.

 

Now I also know that info like mine is huge gossip in groups of friends. So I assume most everyone knows....and thats fine. But for what its worth, we are not looked at in a negative way. In fact people look up to us the work we have done to make it work. ALOT of them wish they would have tried harder like we did.

 

So in sence, by telling people....it helped us and them SEE that you dnt always have to divorce.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I told NOONE until I decided to file for a divorce, almost a year. All of my friends were his friends and I didn't want to drag them in (for their sakes), also, I thought I could fix it without the humilitation of admitting to my friends that I wasn't good enough to keep the H I had always been so proud of. I started to avoid everyone so that they wouldn't see what a wreck I had become, but I NEEDED some support. When I finally realised that the shame I had was undeserved I finally went to two friends I felt like I could trust. I told the two together so that they would have someone to talk to about it and asked them not to tell anyone. I over estimated one of those and pretty soon everyone knew.

 

When I decided to reconcile, about 6 months later, I first only told a guy friend because I KNEW what my girlfriend were going to say. The guy friend was nothing but supportive and positive and happy for us. The girlfriends were NOT happy for me, felt like I was going to be hurt again, but everyone said, we love you and support you and we'll be here if you need us again but we're hoping for everything to turn out right.

 

Only one friend has brought it up since then, in private, but it was because her sister had found out her H was having an A, so it was in a sense of figuring out her sister's position more than questioning me. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!

 

I believe keeping it in and not telling a few close people keeps you from healing and improving, wish I had confided in someone before hand.

[Darth Vader]

Why is that an odd question? I do not understand why, if willing to work on the marriage, the BS would discuss it with friends. It is private, something husband and wife must discuss together if both want to save the marriage, bringing others into it just wrong. If you love the man/woman and want to stay with them WHY would you talk with others about their misgivings, dogin' them to your friends is just not productive toward a healthy relationship. If you feel the need to talk about it, well, that is what counselors are for!!

 

In my opinion, and it is just my opinion, BS who run all over telling everyone what the WS did to "poor little me" is just trying to find alias to side with them against the WS. Not condusive to working toward a healthy relationship.

 

If cheating is a deal breaker for you....have at it. Tell everyone you can or who will listen. Think it will keep others from dating them....haha....not, just makes them more attractive to some. Weird, but true.

 

This is just my opinion, it isn't gospel or law, just simply how I feel about it. Take what you want and leave the rest.....and yes I have been cheated on by my husband and I have stayed with him and we have worked out our marriage and currently have a healthy loving relationship. I came on here and ranted and raved, BUT no one on here knows me or my hubby so it was a safe place to vent and get it out of my system. I also counseled, but I never ran to all my friends and degraded my spouse. How uncomfortable would it be for him to go out for supper with another couple knowing I had spilled my guts to her about his cheating and you know she told her husband....no, he made a mistake and for a while I hated him and thought of revenge, but never in this way. Once I got healthy I realized, I had as many problems as he did and I needed to work on my problems before we could work on the relationship.

 

 

HG, I don't really see a problem in the friends knowing, after all, as it's common for everyone else (friends and family) to know what's going on before the BS knows anything at all.

[Darth Vader]

Yea, sounds like you forgave him......NOT.....if this is how you talk about someone you have forgiven I would certainly not to be someone you didn't forgive!!!!

 

All I can say is ''I feel very sorry for your husband he must live a horrible existance."

 

It isn't about love, its about you winning.

 

 

This may be the typical response of a WS, this is a Theory of course.

[Trialbyfire]

hg, do you not confide in your friends and family? I do. When my friends and family have problems, they confide in me. It's a great way to get things off your chest and see other perspectives. My friends and family support but they don't molly-coddle me. If they don't agree, they are quite vocal about it. For friends, this is the type of person I tend to gravitate towards. Realists who don't wrap their opinions in fluff and stuff.

 

I don't see the need to protect a wayward spouse like a child who has done a "bad" thing. Your spouse is an adult. If they can't take the heat, they shouldn't play with fire. I also don't see a spouse as being a reflection of who I am. They are individual adults who need to take full responsibility for their actions.

 

As it stands, everyone knows. My ex now has no close friends, is shunned by our social circle and has lost the respect of his family. His ex-OW blew the whistle on him at work and now his job is in jeopardy. I don't know one person who appreciates being lied to, on a consistent basis. Golden boy tanked to Sewer boy, all by his own handi-work. Too bad, so sad.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Realists who don't wrap their opinions in fluff and stuff.

 

 

bingo....a true friend is one who tells you the truth...something you dont always want to hear. I wouldnt want all my friends to just agree with me....

[Trialbyfire]

bingo....a true friend is one who tells you the truth...something you dont always want to hear. I wouldnt want all my friends to just agree with me....

Exactly. My friends and family aren't afraid to tell me when I'm out-of-line. Trust me, I've heard an earful over this situation.

[LakesideDream]

Mopar, I'm sure that most people make the "BS" comments you are angry about because they are afraid of it happening to them, and they want to voice their "opinion" of what they would do in your situation.

 

Until it happens to them, they have no idea what they would do. Most of it is just bluster, said out of the uncomfortable reality that the person making the comment(s) is insecure.

 

I wouldn't pay any attention to it. You did what was best for you in your situation. It's working fine, and you are proud of it. Don't worry about what others think. Opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one.

[mopar crazy]

Yea, sounds like you forgave him......NOT.....if this is how you talk about someone you have forgiven I would certainly not to be someone you didn't forgive!!!!

 

All I can say is ''I feel very sorry for your husband he must live a horrible existance."

 

It isn't about love, its about you winning.

 

First, thanks to all who had positive and kind replies to my thread instead of the nasty, bitter one like harley's.

 

Now, to comment on your reply hg. I did forgive WH for his A. When I was telling friends about his A and feeling he was a cheating ********* was during his A four years ago. It has nothing to do w/ winning. I beat the whore of a OW before she even set foot into our lives. She is a pathetic excuse of a woman! I know her personally...could of even been friends until I found out she was pursuing my H. The bitch doesn't care if a man is M or not, she will go after him, her words during the time of their A. She is a disgrace to decent women out there. She only thinks of herself, her twat and what man is going to fill it and make her happy. She doesn't care if their is a W or a GF. I'm not upset solely b/c she pursued my H and had an A w/ him. I disliked her the night I met her, three years prior to their A. I liked her for about an hour and that is all it took to find out what kind of slut she was.

 

 

My friend asked me a harmless question. She asked what brought me back to my hometown and I simply told her the truth. My H filed a D to be w/ the OW so I moved back to my hometown where all my family was for support. I could of just said I felt like moving back and given no reasoning behind it but that wouldn't be the truth and I wasn't going to lie.

 

I had ever right to drag his name through the mud during the time of his A, he deserved it! He hurt me, my children, his mother, my parents and siblings all for her. Why should I care what I said about him? He was filing for a D to be w/ his slut. Like I'm going to paint a pretty picture of his A to friends. If I didn't tell them, someone would have. We lived in a small town, it would of gotten around. It was already around the large company they worked for. Everyone knew they were f@cking. You are thinking I'm calling my H a cheating ********* to ppl to this day...I'm not. And if my H is living such a horrible existence he knows where the door is, he can use it, he hasn't.

Why? B/c he knows I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. If I wasn't, he wouldn't of woke up and came back to me. He was out of the M, starting over w/ someone else. If I'm so a horrible b!tch he would of never came back to me. I am a b!tch, I will admit to that, but only when ppl try to take advantage of me. I wont let him run all over me, nor anyone else.

[InaPanic]

Well, i am the one who cheated but i do imagine my husband is put thru the 'why did you take her back' question often. I know on here, when i had posted threads asking for advice i got blasted a lot with the whole 'if my wife did this i would NEVER take her back'. Ya know, for some it may be true but the simple fact is no one knows for certain what they would do until put in that situation. The BS has a hard enough time trying to get their lives back to normal that they don't need to hear that kind of ***** from people, especially people that are supposed to be friends & supportive. Because as everyone knows, those that like to act like it can never happen to them, well....sometimes it does happen to them.

 

As for her telling a friend. I think that seems pretty normal. I know few people who are strong enough to keep something like that inside & if they do i can't imagine it's very healthy. I know my husband talked to friends. Did i want him to? Hell no! Of course not. But did i ever express it? No way. He needed to have friends to talk to & confide in. Of course it was an embarresment to me but i am the one who put myself in that situation so i am the one that has to live with it. That's part of the bed i made that i have to lay in.

 

I do wonder tho, if you have forgiven him. You still seem so angry Of course you had something happen to you that would be reason to make you angry but it seems there is still a lot of resentment 4 years later. Do you still talk about it with your husband?

[LulaMae]

As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with HG. What I don't agree with is her approach...I believe that it's not what you say but how you say it. We should all be sensitive of each other's dilemnas even if we don't agree with someone's position/actions....

 

I am not married - currently engaged and dealing with my own drama (Found My Fiance's Sex Photos), so the Marriage Threads are of particular interest to me at this point. I have not told any of my friends about what's happened with my fiance and that is generally my approach when there are issues. There should be a bond between two people and even if one of them breaks it, I don't think it's right for the other one to do the same and air dirty laundry just to feel better. Counseling or chat rooms like this seem like a perfect method, BUT "to each his own". I'm just a very private person.

 

IMO, I think that you can't beat the advice of a trained professional who has seen these things before. That is true healing. Most of the time our friends are on our side and really talk about what they would do when they often don't know. The one exception IMO is finding an older confidant/family member who you respect and who has lived a lot longer than you. They can often provide guidance and wisdom that our counterparts are not able to do - which is evidenced by the Q "why did you take him back?".

 

Here's another way of thinking about it - even if other people/friends know, if you have not discussed with them, etc. then it's fair game to state when asked the question that you prefer not to discuss something so personal. Even if a friend has given you the news, you can thank them for bringing it to your attention and then respectfully state that it's something you need to work out on your own..... Too late for that in many cases but just a few thoughts. Even if it's been 4 years later, counseling from time to time may help alleviate some of the anger that still seems evident. Good luck!

[4whatItsWorth]

All I can say is ''I feel very sorry for your husband he must live a horrible existance."

 

That is an EXTREMELY unsensitive thing to say - coming from someone who apparantly got cheated on herself.

 

I don't agree with you. People can forgive but it doesn't mean they won't have hurtful feelings about the topic. The way you put your response to MC is the sound of someone who is HERSELF hurt that she must taker her anger out on everyone else. If you were perfectly fine and forgiving with your H's affair, then you would not post in such an agressive way towards the topic.

 

Your approach is to sweep the dust under the carpet - but sooner or later people are going to realise the place ain't clean. Therefore, it is much healthier to talk about it. If a husband did something wrong, he should be man enough to admit it. My friends all know my dad cheated on my mom. I have no revenge in it, I do it because they ask why they are getting divorced.

 

MC, good for you for working on your marriage and good luck! ^^

[mopar crazy]

I do wonder tho, if you have forgiven him. You still seem so angry Of course you had something happen to you that would be reason to make you angry but it seems there is still a lot of resentment 4 years later. Do you still talk about it with your husband?

 

I wasn't angry at all when I started this thread. But when hg opened her big mouth and spewed her venom everywhere, that is what pissed me off. If she wants to keep her WH A a secret and not confide in any friends/family about the A then that is her prerogative. BUT when someone else does it doesn't mean it's wrong or she should jump all over that person's a$$ either.

 

My H and I try to stay away from talking about the A. Once in awhile it gets brought up, but not very much. We have tried to push it into the past where it belongs and not bring it up anymore.

 

4WIW, pay no attention to hg. I think she has some anger issues she needs to address w/ her own counselor. Thanks though!

[Darth Vader]

Well, i am the one who cheated but i do imagine my husband is put thru the 'why did you take her back' question often. I know on here, when i had posted threads asking for advice i got blasted a lot with the whole 'if my wife did this i would NEVER take her back'. Ya know, for some it may be true but the simple fact is no one knows for certain what they would do until put in that situation. The BS has a hard enough time trying to get their lives back to normal that they don't need to hear that kind of ***** from people, especially people that are supposed to be friends & supportive. Because as everyone knows, those that like to act like it can never happen to them, well....sometimes it does happen to them.

 

As for her telling a friend. I think that seems pretty normal. I know few people who are strong enough to keep something like that inside & if they do i can't imagine it's very healthy. I know my husband talked to friends. Did i want him to? Hell no! Of course not. But did i ever express it? No way. He needed to have friends to talk to & confide in. Of course it was an embarresment to me but i am the one who put myself in that situation so i am the one that has to live with it. That's part of the bed i made that i have to lay in.

 

I do wonder tho, if you have forgiven him. You still seem so angry Of course you had something happen to you that would be reason to make you angry but it seems there is still a lot of resentment 4 years later. Do you still talk about it with your husband?

 

 

I noticed that you havn't posted an update for awhile.........

[Darth Vader]

LM, the WS forfits any and all rights of privacy concerning their "affair", this isn't an addition to their attitude "it's all about me" Bullcrap. This is a way that a BS can "deal" with the situation that was forced upon them, BS's shouldn't be expected to just take that kind of crap and hold it all in, that's just a form of self destruction that they don't deserve. Chances are, they're already feeling the embarrassment, even the fact that everyone else knew what was going on behind their back before they did, and for the length of time it occured in, possibly without their suspision.

[mopar crazy]

As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with HG. What I don't agree with is her approach...I believe that it's not what you say but how you say it. We should all be sensitive of each other's dilemnas even if we don't agree with someone's position/actions....

 

I am not married - currently engaged and dealing with my own drama (Found My Fiance's Sex Photos), so the Marriage Threads are of particular interest to me at this point. I have not told any of my friends about what's happened with my fiance and that is generally my approach when there are issues. There should be a bond between two people and even if one of them breaks it, I don't think it's right for the other one to do the same and air dirty laundry just to feel better. Counseling or chat rooms like this seem like a perfect method, BUT "to each his own". I'm just a very private person.

 

IMO, I think that you can't beat the advice of a trained professional who has seen these things before. That is true healing. Most of the time our friends are on our side and really talk about what they would do when they often don't know. The one exception IMO is finding an older confidant/family member who you respect and who has lived a lot longer than you. They can often provide guidance and wisdom that our counterparts are not able to do - which is evidenced by the Q "why did you take him back?".

 

Here's another way of thinking about it - even if other people/friends know, if you have not discussed with them, etc. then it's fair game to state when asked the question that you prefer not to discuss something so personal. Even if a friend has given you the news, you can thank them for bringing it to your attention and then respectfully state that it's something you need to work out on your own..... Too late for that in many cases but just a few thoughts. Even if it's been 4 years later, counseling from time to time may help alleviate some of the anger that still seems evident. Good luck!

 

LM, I'm sorry about finding your stbh sex pictures. I hope you are both seeking counseling b4 you decide to make the biggest decision of your life by getting M.

 

I don't blame you for not telling your friends, or anyone for that matter. If you are trying to make your R work w/ your fiancee it's best that you keep that kind of info secret w/o ppl always judging why you are working on it. It's your choice if you want to talk about it, no one else's.

 

As for my situation, I was getting a D so the M was over. He was leaving me for the OW. Sure, I was going to make him out to be the bad guy in this situation, at the time. I am not doing it now which everyone seems to be thinking what I'm currently doing.

 

I am not angry at WH anymore, if I were I wouldn't of never taken him back. What pisses me off is what hg said. She can voice her opinion all she likes but she didn't need to be such a bitch about it.

 

Why does everyone think I'm still angry at my H for his A? I'm not.

[Can'tGiveUp]

It really bugs me when ppl ask BS "Why did you take them back?" Or "Why are you staying w/ him/her if they cheated on you?"

 

A few years after my sister married a d*ckhead, she told me she was tired about everyone asking her why she married him, why she was still with him, why she allowed him to treat her the way he did. She said she wanted everyone to stay the f**k out of her marriage.

 

When he cheated on her several more years down the road, I was there for her to talk to and to support her. When she took him back I never asked why or how she could do that. When he left again for the OW, I was still there to talk to and support her.

 

Unless one is in EXACTLY the same situation, you shouldn't judge the actions of another. Though it is nice that I can call him a d*ckhead to her face now without fear of her reaction.