fray718 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 When i initiated the talk with this one guy I dated for 5 weeks, he seemed happy and agreed with our heading towards a relationship at the time and he ended the date with 'I'll see ya soon". Then he stopped calling for a week, deleted me from facebook, disappeared from AIM, did not return my phone call....he resurfaced 3 days after all that hoopla and told me he had been depressed for past few weeks (he was engaged and broke it off just 7 mnths ago, new to area, new job, away from family for first time in his life) and that he started thinking about 'us' after the talk and he got anxiety and not sure why he deleted me from facebook but said it was a knee jerk reaction one day. He said the talk triggered something and he hit the panic button and got anxiety on top of his depression cuz of me and he said he needs a therapist. He said he didnt want to drag me into it as we've just started dating and said we should go our separate ways . Is he just not that into me or is he really just not able to date me right now cuz of his issues? Anyone ever got an anxiety attack cuz of this same reason and if so how did it really feel? I just need to know I guess. And I wonder if its possible for us to maybe have another shot in the future once he fixes or at least learns how to deal with this relationship-phobia issue.
nicki Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I would believe what he says about the depression and anxiety. He sounds like he knows himself pretty well, and what he needs. At this time, he most likely can't "be into" anyone. So I wouldn't take it personally. If he's not into you, it's because of his dysfunction -- which he's trying to work on. Tell him you are disappointed, but understand, and that you want him to be healthy and happy. Ask him to call you in the future, if he wants to. Then back off and let the guy heal. This really is more about him than you. He can't give you all a true boyfriend should, and he knows it. Thank goodness for that! There are a lot of guys walking around out there who are charming and seem together, but really aren't. They can catch a woman, and then they have no ability to grow and sustain a relationship.
SouthernT Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Let it go..... I learned the HARD way that when a guy says that he's not ready or that he needs time...that's exactly what he means. He's being upfront and honest about it. If you choose to stick around I promise it will be the most emotionally draining thing that you will ever go through. 7 months is NOT long enough for him to get over somebody that he was ready to spend the REST OF HIS LIFE with. Everybody handles things in different ways and its not fair to put a time limit on how long it should take him to get over it. He will appreciate you more and possibly even want you more if you back off and allow him the time and space that he needs. It will also build up his trust for you. He will understand that you care more about his well being more than anything and you have to do it with a POSITIVE attitude. If you want something bad enough, then you have to be willing let it go and trust that it will come back to you. Alot of the time, doing LESS will prove MORE. Think about it...
Author fray718 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 So on Wed afternoon I replied to his email to me bout going our separate ways...I told him I sorry for what he is going through and that I sincerely wish him the best and told him that perhaps one day we can at least be friends but that I'll leave that up to him to decide when he is ready. Then last night there was this one thing that was really bothering me (that is a whole diff issue though) and I got alot of anxiety from it so I IMed him asking him to explain so that I can get closure. That was a very impulsive move on my end. He seemed nice and understanding still about it and for awhile the conversation was fun but then my bad I used the words 'my previous relatinship' sh*t and then the convo slowly died away and I just said goodnite. Then this morning I felt bad about invading his space so I sent him an email telling him oops i was so flighty to say I'll let him contact me first but then sent him an IM all of a sudden last night. Then I said "I understand that you are dealing with certain things in your life right now and I want you to have all the time/space you need to become happy and healthy as you truly deserve it. I know you will do what is best for you and I will completely respect and support it." Hopefully he understands that I really want to give him space. We'll see what happens from here on if anything does happen..... But really, a part of me is already tired from this and I think I might really just let it go entirely like you all suggested. Its already putting a drain on me emotionally and nothing has really happened yet. But maybe i'll wait and see for awhile what/if anything happens next and go from there....
Star Gazer Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Let it go. Let it go. Say it with me: Let it go. My lord, girl, look how draining this is, and it's just the very very very beginning!! 7 months is not enough time for him to have gotten over his failed engagement. That was certainly a very big deal for him. If you say you're going to leave him alone, you have to leave him alone. You're showing him you're inconsistent and can't control your impulses. For someone with anxiety, that's bound to freak him out.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 One thing you have to understand about anxiety, panic attacks and depression is, it makes one feel quite isolated and not want to be around people. If he is anything like I am (I suffered from anxiety) he doesn't want to show that side of him to many people, and doesn't want to be a bother to anyone... And, his frame of mind right now isn't on the straight and narrow. Anxiety and depression can warp ways of thinking, making it more negative so he can't cope with things in life right now like you can...(Google depression and anxiety, you'll see what I mean if you do some research on it.) What you can do is suggest he find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy.
Author fray718 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Yea I know what u all mean. I'm going to do the best thing for both me and him and I'm going to just let it go. Gosh even I've been getting alot of anxiety from this lately...losing my appetite and cant sleep till 3am for past 2 nights. At around 11am today I logged off AIM....anxiety must be contagious or something lol....and I feel like I just cant go back on there cuz if so I"d just be hoping all day that he'd IM me eventhough I know that if he do what's best for himself than that would be to let me go....and also cuz I want to give him space. I usually feel hurt when someone lets me go, but for first time here I'm actually not taking it personally at all. In fact, I feel the right thing to do and the best for him would be for me to just leave entirely. I was so upset about this last night I kept sobbing because I've started to care for this person and it breaks my heart to know that he is suffering and he's suffering because of me . I'm not the root of the problem, but I'm the reason he's probably more depressed than ever right now.
annabelle75 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 TURN OFF THE COMPUTER !!!!! When the last relationship I was in ended it was impossible fro me to sit at my computer and not want to talk to him. We use to IM every night and email each other through out the day. I was so use to it that I could not seem to make myself not do it. I had to make the choice to only turn on my computer to check my email once when I got home from work and then to leave it off for the rest fo the night. It was hard, but necessary. After about two weeks I was finally able to have it on without feeling the need to talk to him.
Author fray718 Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 TURN OFF THE COMPUTER !!!!! When the last relationship I was in ended it was impossible fro me to sit at my computer and not want to talk to him. We use to IM every night and email each other through out the day. I was so use to it that I could not seem to make myself not do it. I had to make the choice to only turn on my computer to check my email once when I got home from work and then to leave it off for the rest fo the night. It was hard, but necessary. After about two weeks I was finally able to have it on without feeling the need to talk to him. I know what you mean...I signed off from AIM at around 11am and I saw that he signed off as well just an hour or two after me (I can tell because I look using a diff screenname lol). It wasnt because I get urges to IM him, but rather because I know just my sn on his buddy list probably makes him nervous because he is scared that I will IM him again...and thing is, I know he tells himself not to respond but in the end he always gives in and responds anyway. Because last night I waited for 30 mins before he responded but afterward the conversation flowed nonstop. I think I am as bad to him as he is as bad to me lol. I think by keeping off AIM for a few more days his anxiety of me IMing him out of nowhere will hopefully calm down a bit more. This might sound funny to you all, but thought of me possibly giving him more anxiety or a possible anxiety attack again is giving ME anxiety myself haha. Somehow this is sooo different from me and my ex before him because my ex broke my heart and I wanted him to burn in hell haha. But with this guy, I honestly and sincerely wish the best for him and I want him to get better even if it means I will never be a part of his life again...
Author fray718 Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 I know what you mean...I signed off from AIM at around 11am and I saw that he signed off as well just an hour or two after me (I can tell because I look using a diff screenname lol). It wasnt because I get urges to IM him, but rather because I know just my sn on his buddy list probably makes him nervous because he is scared that I will IM him again...and thing is, I know he tells himself not to respond but in the end he always gives in and responds anyway. Because last night I waited for 30 mins before he responded but afterward the conversation flowed nonstop. I think I am as bad to him as he is as bad to me lol. I think by keeping off AIM for a few more days his anxiety of me IMing him out of nowhere will hopefully calm down a bit more. This might sound funny to you all, but thought of me possibly giving him more anxiety or a possible anxiety attack again is giving ME anxiety myself haha. Somehow this is sooo different from me and my ex before him because my ex broke my heart and I wanted him to burn in hell haha. But with this guy, I honestly and sincerely wish the best for him and I want him to get better even if it means I will never be a part of his life again... oh gosh i googled 'relationship anxiety' and look what i read from a poster. Thank goodness for this and other posters....I am sooooo OUTTA this guy's life!!!!! -------------------- Hi all, I'm new to this, so bare with me. I've been dealing with what I can only describe as anxiety and panic attacks for nearly ten years. I got hit by my first big attack a month or so after I began a dating relationship 10 years ago or so. I don't know why, but it was related to the girl. I'm not sure why this happens, but ever since every time I try and start a serious relationship I end up waking up at night, not being able to sleep, having attacks and being overwhelmed by the "feelings" of "just got to get out of this relationship". I just lost another relationship because I can't "handle" it. I've been to counselor, tried medication - most recently Lexepro - and nothing seems to work. Anybody have anything like this? Does this sound familiar to anyone? I'm depressed and tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of hurting the girls I get involved with. All have been relatively sympathetic and willing to "work" at it, but after awhile I just push them away to find relief. Anywho... just trying to find out if anyone else out there deals or understands... fpk
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