Separate now or wait (long)

[foxylocks]

Married 2 years, no children. We're both aged 38. My husband left 2 weeks ago out of the blue, says he doesn't love me anymore, the spark is gone, "it's not you it's me", "please forgive me", etc. I knew we had our problems and there were signs, but I certainly didn't think we were in that much trouble. He had been really stressed at work for the past year and I asked him many times to quit his job. He said he wanted to stay there, as a few years at the job would look good on his CV. He became increasingly more withdrawn and moody since Christmas, which I blamed on his work situation.

 

START APRIL - We went on holidays abroad for two weeks. The day before we left, I got a call to my cellphone from an unidentified female caller - "Your husband is having an affair with someone you know" and hung up. I was absolutely stunned and tried to call the woman, no answer. I didn't mention the call to my husband but tried to call the number a few times at home and on holidays. After a few days, I deleted the number from my cell as it was wrecking my brain. On holidays, he was quiet and disengaged and I asked him to talk to me about whatever was going on in his head. He said "we'll battle this out when we get back from holls". I was absolutely terrified that the phonecall was true. There was very little communication for the next 2 week.

 

MAY 8 - I'm not a great person for talking about feelings (he's even worse!), so I wrote him a letter saying how worried I was, I mentioned the mystery phonecall and "whatever it is, we can work it out, please talk to me". I got an email from him at work, ending the relationship, denying an affair and "we'll talk later after work". It was so surreal I couldn't even cry. I got home and he handed me a sheet of paper with house valuation and sums. He said I could have the family home with mortgage and he would move out and take the holiday cottage with mortgage. He also wanted a payment of €40k from me, as the house is worth more than the cottage. (This sounds like we're mega-rich, believe me the bank owns nearly everything!!) He categorically denied having an affair and I still believe him because he's just not that type of guy. He has never lied to me and never would.

 

For the next few days I cried and cried. I asked him if he'd go to counselling together, he refused saying "what's the point?".

 

MAY 11 - I had planned to go on a study weekend away with my college class and, when I returned on May 13th, most of his stuff was moved out. He moved into his brother's house ACROSS THE ROAD. HELLO!!!!???

 

That night, I found a letter dated late-March from his bank approving him for a mortgage in his own name, so he had obviously been planning the break-up for some time.

 

MAY 14 - I met with my bank manager and there's no prob with me taking over the mortgage in my sole name and paying €40k to him. However, the bank needs to see a signed Separation Agreement.

 

MAY 21 - I had a panic attack in bed which frightened the living daylights out of me, I thought I was having a stroke or a heart attack. It passed after 20 mins, but I was absolutely terrified. My doctor has now prescribed a very mild dosage of Xanax to calm me. I'm not an anxious person but the situation is obviously getting to me.

 

MAY 22 - I met with a lawyer who advised me not to rush into anything until the dust settles. I told her that my husband was adamant that there would be no reconciliation, he has no interest in counselling or getting back together. She told me to give it another month or two, to give him time to sort out his feelings. She asked me to imagine that I had a crystal ball and "Where do you see yourself in 6 months time?". I said "Alone, but happy for the first time in a long while".

 

I am having good days and bad (mostly good!), I have wonderfully supportive friends and family. However, he is being really cold, all communication is by email and is very business-like. I told him that I thought he was having a mid-life crisis or some sort of breakdown, but he says he is not depressed and his mental health is fine.

 

Advice please!!!! What should I do? Should I just let things sit, or plough ahead with the Separation Agreement? I cannot ever imagine us reconciling, I am too hurt and disappointed to ever trust him again. At this stage, I feel I just want to get the house signed over to my name and get on with my life.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

xx

[Lady Aurora]

I am so sorry, foxylocks. This must be terribly hard on you right now. I think this is a horrible situation, and affair or no, it is gut wrenching to have things seem to deteriorate so quickly.

 

I am afraid my advice to you is to go ahead with the separation and move on. It takes two people to sustain a relationship. His actions are showing that he clearly has no care to try and reconcile. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, pick up the pieces and forge forward. As hard as it may seem, you need to think of what is best for YOU, not the relationship. He is obviously putting his needs first, and to protect yourself you need to do the same. Don't drag it out, that will just make the emotional toll harder.

 

With Love and Strength,

Aura

[Shameless]

i feel for you sis, but my advice is just plough ahead, you are youngand can pick up the pieces from where he has left you. I am in a similar situation though more complicated as she has not yet told me she hasnt yet made it clear what she wants so i hang on. i know the pain you must be going through but you are still alive and thats the most important thing for you.

 

Let go and move on, the best is still out there.

[foxylocks]

Thanks for your words of support. I hardly slept a wink last night with worry.

 

I suppose I knew the answer all along - separate now and get on with my life! I just needed to hear somebody tell me. My friends can't advise me as they know both of us well, but I know there can be no reconcilliation.

 

I'll keep you updated on my situation.

 

Thanks again!

 

xxx Foxylocks

[lovely01]

i am sorry you are going through this. very sorry. i agree with everyone else . move on. you can do it!!!!!!!!!!i have had those panic attacks before after my husband told me about the affair they suck . hugs for you