corazoncito Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 My partner and I have been talking about starting a family together. Neither of us has any children from prior relationships. We've been together a year and half. I'm 32, he's 37. He's a got a good, stable job that he loves and that offers him a lot of flexibility. I'm finishing up grad school and currently unemployed. We feel that financial we're on pretty solid ground with one income. We want to be sure we are equally solid as a couple because of all the challenges that being there for tiny, innocent humans can bring to a relationship. Of course, in an ideal world, we'd wait until we were 100% sure we were ready and have planned for it from every angle. But we realize there is a reality to age related fertility issues and that we have to find some kind of compromise. The current plan is to take no baby making action for at least the next 6 months (of course we will still practice ). But those of you with families, looking back at your own experience, what are the most important things we should be doing and discussing during this time to really prepare ourself for what's to come?
SummerBreeze Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 To be quite honest, you can't really prepare for the complete life altering changes that come with having your first baby. As a mom of 2, I've learned there's so much you just can't discuss or do until the baby arrives. You just learn as you go. Every baby is different, with their own temperments and personalities. My first child was intense, high maintenance and sensitive...still is at 5 years old. She cried constantly and slept very little. The first few months of her life were extremely hard for me and looking back I probably should have asked for help, but didn't. I didn't want to admit I had no idea what I was doing. That was a mistake. Seek out the support of others. The second time around, my son was born with a very mellow personality. He slept a lot and was no problem at all. I had a great support system and I was more relaxed. Thank God! However, our lives went from 100mph to 100,000mph with the addition of a second child. It's amazing how much more work is required when there's 2. But that's a whole other story... The best advice I can give you is to stay close with your partner. Share the responsibilities. Enjoy the tender moments and remember that they don't stay small forever! Good luck!
ThumbingMyWay Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Get this book "What to expect when you're expecting". Every question you'll every have in regards to being pregnant will be in that book. The get "What to expect in the first year" for when you ahve questions about the new born in the first year. There only a baby ONCE...enjoy ALL OF IT ..next thing you know they are staring kindergarden...I am serioious...it goes WAY TOO FAST....enjoy every single moment. and most importantly....DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP....once you become comforatble...get a good baby sitter and maintain your MARIIAGE RELATIONSHIP with your spose by doing datenights and such....YOU MUST do this. Do lose sight of your relationship with your spouse just becasue you have a kid....alot of couples focus just on the kids...then 10 years down the line....they forget who each other are and a few more years later when the kids leave....they are left alone...wondering what to do with themselves....casue they never kept there relationship as strong as there bond with the kids.... good luck....oh and babys CRY...thats what they do....cry eat and *****....get used to it..LOL
Lizzie60 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Yes I think it is VERY important to get ready before you have children... (of course when you have the luxury to to that) I hope you have discussed about how many kids you want... You have to discuss what your priorities are regarding raising a kid... As far as the discipline goes, what do YOU both think is important for your kid (sometimes it's surprising what people really prioritize). The most important thing for the parents.. is to be on the exact same page regarding the discipline... this is probably what killed my relationship with my first ex. Good for you that you are preparing to be good parents... This is awesome... my daughter is also expecting for next Fall... and they, too have talked a lot about the way they want to raise their kids... it is extremely important if you don't want to create frustrations for both the parents and the kids. and last but not least, take care of yourself as a mother... and take good care of your couple... don't become a 'mommy' and a 'daddy' you are, firstly, a husband and a wife, make time for your 'couple' without the kids. Good luck! I bet you will be amazing parents!
Author corazoncito Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 SB, TMW, Lizzie, Thanks a ton for the advice. Every bit helps. Just the reminder that it is important to remember to ask for help is great. I am bad about wanting to do everything myself, and we're not currently near either of our families. So I realize I'm going to have to make an extra effort to reach out for help from friends (who often freely offer help in other aspects but I always feel like I'm imposing on by accepting). I also am a planner and I get kind of stressed when my plans are thrown off. So I realize I'm really going to have to work on being MUCH more flexible because nothing is predictable with babies and children. We will just have to figure out what is most important and as long as those things get done, we're happy. I think the points about caring for your relationship are really important. My parents are one of those couples that were just in it for the child and although I think after 30+ years they've figured out how to make it work in their own way, I don't want a relationship like that. My partner is also pretty adamant that our relationship must come first because it's where the energy to nurture the children comes from. He also enjoys getting out of the house regularly (although that may be an area he'll need to adjust a bit. I couldn't help cracking up the other night when he told me that it's no problem if we can't find a babysitter, we just bring the baby with us! He was 100% serious too! I'll refer him back to the point about being flexible about planning and that our total number of nights out per week is likely to drop...a lot. But we can make what we do have count!). I think Lizzie, your point about discipline is very important. That is something we haven't really talked much about at this point. We have to work that out. He has a fantastic 3 year-old nephew and he's pretty much simply the fun uncle with him. His sis and BIL are great parents, but I do see that we have different ideas about what kids are capable of at different stages of development (like at 2 they insisted he eat with a fork and drink from an adult cup. Dinner frequently ended up an epic struggle. For me, at that age, I'd just be happy that the majority of food got in the mouth, via fork, hands, feet, it's all the same to me! ) so I should talk with my guy to see if he has those same kinds of expectations. Thanks again for the encouragement!!!
quankanne Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 to all those suggestions, I'll add "health." if there are certain diseases that run in your family (high blood pressure, anemia, diabetes), ask your doctor what you can do to prepare yourself physically for pregnancy. also look into family medical history – my nephew and his wife miscarried two babies before finally getting lucky on the third attempt. Turns out she had an Rh condition that made her body treat the fetus like a foreign object when she hit a certain stage and its blood supply was cut off. Happily, the fertility specialist said that all she needed was some supplements to cure that problem, as well as a daily dose of baby aspirin to help control her blood's heavy clotting capability. And, so far, so good. remember, even the littlest health factor can throw monkey wrench in the plans. good luck on the baby-making, it's a pretty exciting adventure to embark on!
Lizzie60 Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 I forgot about that important point. My daughter, prior to get pregnant got all her tests done... plus the test about immunity (German measle) I think... to see if she needed to get a shot (if she did, that meant she would have had to wait another 3 months or 6 to get pregnant)...but she still had immunity so she was OK... she had absolutely no health problems. She also went to a private clinic to get some preliminary tests done on the baby, she will get more tests done soon... (that would tell her if the baby is normal). So far so good. I just can't wait...I'm totally 'gaga'. My guest room is already full with baby stuff and she's due in November. I am already planning to have a play house built for her/him. As a kid I dreamt of having a play house...
Author corazoncito Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 Sorry Lizzie, I forgot to congratulate you when I replied before. You sound very excited and I'm sure your grandchild is going to be one lucky kid! :bunny: I'd like to get a check up before we start, but I did have to have a major physical last year where they updated all my immunizations (I had a fellowship to go to a "third world" country, so they were pretty thorough. Actually, it was kind of ridiculously overboard, but I believe I now repel all microbes within a 100 foot radius). I saw my gyno about three months ago and her advice for now was to start taking prenatal vitamins three months before starting. Thanks for the tip on the Rh factor Quankanne. I need to check on that, but I'm 99% sure my blood type is positive, so I think that means we'll be ok? I'm a little nervous about all the trying to conceive stuff. The thing is, almost all of my friends who have had children in the last few years are 35 or over (in to their early-mid 40's) and have had NO problems getting pregnant. But then I see all these horror stories of younger women who try for years and can't figure out what might be preventing them. I'm not so worried about it not happening right away, it's the obsessing part that scares me. Like when these couples no longer want to have sex outside of the"fertile time" and even then it's just a "chore". And when they start to call sex "baby dancing", that's kind of creepy ...I understand it's very stressful and maybe I'll think differently when I'm walking in their shoes, but right now I just hope we will be able go on like a normal couple and not have everything revolve around getting pregnant.
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