SamanthaX Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hi all. I was in a 5 year relationship that ended with him betraying me. I had been friends with this other guy for quite a while and he began to pursue me when the relationship ended. he had ended a bad 6 year relationship with a total psycho about 8 months prior and acted like a wounded bird. I felt for him, but told him I was not ready to date, but he still stuck around. We started casually dating a few months later and things were amazing. He was nicer to me than anyone had ever been. I moved into a new home and asked that he sleep over the first couple of nights until I felt safe. We ended up staying over every night and soon we started talking about moving in together. As much as I loved being around him, I did not think this was such a great idea and told him we should not do it. Then one day, he tells me he gave notice at his apartment because he wanted to find a cheaper one since he was here all the time. By the end of his lease, he had no where to go, so I said he could stay here until he found a place. He agreed to pay me rent as well. Things started to get a bit tense between us. I had never lived with anyone before (I am 30) and he works crazy hours at a restaurant so we never got to spend much time together. When we did, it was fun, but he is quite absent-minded (forgot to lock the door to the house many times and I live in a bad neighborhood) and was just generally too tired to help out around the house. I started nagging him a lot (bad on my part) and he started to grow distant. I started telling him I was not sure living together was such a great idea and he really needed to find another place to save our relationship. I contemplated breaking up with him, but I really care about him and did not want to end it just yet. I though we could work it out. One night, he told me he was going out for drinks with friends and did not come home until 4:30 in the morning. I asked him where he was and he told me this elaborate story which made me feel a bit worried if he was lying or not. I found out later he was at a strip club with some other guy and I was furious. I put him out of the house and he stayed with friends. I was especially mad because his new job has been riding him and we had not had sex in quite a few weeks. I was planning on going on a trip with my family for ten days to Europe and asked him to please find somewhere to live but I still wanted to date him. I called him often from the road and he seemed distant. Two days before I got home, he told me he found a place. The day I got home, I was ehausted only to find that he had not taen care of my house as I had asked him to. I yelled at him over the phone and he never showed up that night. I called and called...no answer. He ansewered the next morning and came over. WE made up and he came home from work late that night, sick and tired. He did this the next two nights and I picked a fight in the morning because I felt he did not miss me when I was gone. He took all his stuff to move into his new place and then never called. I called and texted like a mad woman (that is how I felt) and he never answered. The next day he answered and said he just needed time to get his life together (he is 38 and in a new career) and move into his apartment. He came over and we talked and I asked him if he wanted to break-up. He said no. He was holding me really tight and trying to kiss me but I was playing coy because I was so hurt he did not seem to want to spend time with me. I threatened to break up with him and took his key, but in the end told him I wanted to stay together. He tried to say we would cook me dinner, but I could tell it was because he felt bad. I pushed him away and told him he was not sincere. We talked as he drive home and then he said he would call me back-he never did. I called him in the morning and we talked again. He said he needed time to himself. That we had moved in too fast and he needed time to work on his business plan and get settled in his own place. I asked him if he wanted time away from me and he said no, def, not. He just needed some time to do things outside of work (he works about 13-14 hours a day). He said he loved me and would call me back. That was 3 days ago and he has not returned any of my calls or texts. I stopped calling 48 hours ago because I don't want to look crazy or needy. Still nothing. He used to call 5 times a day...now nothing. We had plans for tonight, but he has not called so I am assuming I am gettin brushed off. What the hell is going on? Did me pushing him out push him away and hurt his pride? Is there someone else? What am I suppose to do? Doing NC right now, but it is driving me mad because i want to know wtf is going on.
Author SamanthaX Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 So, we finally spoke and he said he was going througha major depressive episode. He said he has not even answered his mother's calls. He has come over twice this week and I have tried to cheer him up. We were supposed to hang out tonight, but he never called, showed up, or answered my calls. I keep asking him if he wants to break up, but he says no. I am worried about his erratic behavior, but don't want to abandon him if he is truly depressed. What should I do?
BlueEyedSarah Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Leave the ball in he's court, dont keep jumping at him and being needy ect. Read up about depression, get information to understand more about it.
Author SamanthaX Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 I suffered from depression many years ago, but still wanted to be around my bf at the time. I just don't get it. He has become increasingly distant and keeps making excuses not to see me. We spoke yesterday (after I called him asking to have a face to face conversation) and i kept pressing him to answer me why he was suddenly behaving this way. He said he did not know if he could be with anyone right now. I kept asking him what I had done to deserve such treatment and he said I did nothing. I finally got him to say that might just not want to be around me right now. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said "that sounds so final." Wtf? Why can't men just give it to us straight? Why does he have such a hard time saying yes? Ugh. He said he'd be over to talk in a few hours and never showed. He has stood me up 3 times in the past week and I am just tired. The thing that sucks is that he just put me in a bad position. Suddenly moving in because he had no where to live and then freakng out on me when I told him we were not ready to live together. I knew this guy might not be a good fit for me, but never thought in a million years that he'd give me the brush off. While this is probably for the best, I guess my ego is just hurt and I am confused because I really thought I was a good gf to him despite the nagging. I guess it is over and I should just move on. I just wish it did not hurt so much. 2 breakups in 8 months is just too much for one woman.
BlueEyedSarah Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 All I keep hearing is you you you, nothing really much about he feels. You need to stop thinking of yourself and thinking you did something wrong when he has told you that you havn't. He told you he is suffering depression right now, lots of things are on top of him that he can not handle right now and just wants to get he's head straight. Just because you suffered depression in a diffrent way does not mean everyone who suffers depression will want to be around people. you need to stop hasseling him with asking if he is going to break up with you because that WILL make him break up with you. Just respect that he wants to have time to himself to sort himself out right now, respect when he does come to see you when he does and has time. If you are unable to handle he's depression then your better off to just leave him until he figures things out for himself.
hardcase Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Samantha....dump this jerk. He cheated on you once and sounds like he is doing it again. And if he has you, why does he need a strip club? he sounds like a real jackass....throw him out like yesterday's trash....cuz thats what he is.
hardcase Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 So, we finally spoke and he said he was going througha major depressive episode. He said he has not even answered his mother's calls. He has come over twice this week and I have tried to cheer him up. We were supposed to hang out tonight, but he never called, showed up, or answered my calls. I keep asking him if he wants to break up, but he says no. I am worried about his erratic behavior, but don't want to abandon him if he is truly depressed. What should I do? Ya...some depression...he is out to strip clubs and staying out late. He's feeding you a line....if he is so damned depressed..then why is he at strip clubs instead of with you? I went through a little depression in college and all I wanted to do was be with my girlfriend.....not in some strange girl's boobs at 4:30am.
Author SamanthaX Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 All I keep hearing is you you you, nothing really much about he feels. You need to stop thinking of yourself and thinking you did something wrong when he has told you that you havn't. He told you he is suffering depression right now, lots of things are on top of him that he can not handle right now and just wants to get he's head straight. Just because you suffered depression in a diffrent way does not mean everyone who suffers depression will want to be around people. you need to stop hasseling him with asking if he is going to break up with you because that WILL make him break up with you. Just respect that he wants to have time to himself to sort himself out right now, respect when he does come to see you when he does and has time. If you are unable to handle he's depression then your better off to just leave him until he figures things out for himself. I am saying me, me, me because it is really making me feel sad and upset. That is why I posted here. To make me feel better. I have not called him since last night and don't intend to. If he needs his space, he can have it. I am totally able to handle his depression. I have been trying to be there for him and he has not let me. I just don't understand his behavior. To not want to see me or talk to me after all this time when I did nothing to him is what is driving me mad. That and the not showing up thing. I just honestly don't think that depression is an excuse to have no manners. A call takes 5 seconds and does so much. All of this just seems out of character for him. I know he is lost right now, but him saying maybe it is you was a red flag for me. He had mentioned the fact that my life is "so together" (which took a long time) and his life is a mess. I told him I wanted to help him, but he said I could not. He has no one else here and I am just plain worried about him. As his friend and gf. Why does he have a hard time just telling me that he wants to break up? Why the "it sounds so final" comment? Does he just want to have me there in case? It has been 2 weeks of this not calling or showing up after living together. Should I pretty much assume we are over?
Author SamanthaX Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 So, I have still not heard from him. The last time I talked to him was Wed. I guess I can assume we are broken up. I thought he would be decent enough to tell me he wanted to break up since we were friends before this all started, but no dice. Great. I feel like crap.
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