My Parents Hate My Wife.

[ARDriver01]

My wife and I have been back in our home town for about 8 months after three years of service in the Air Force. I was stationed in N Carolina. I was deployed a little over a year ago during which we were real Christians, I mean totally in love with the word and our church. My wife had an affair with a young boy in our church youth group. I slowly and violently died inside. Okay... So that was over a year ago. My wife and I are still together, I have been painstakingy trying to make things work. When we came back to SoCal in December, we were living with my parents for a short time. My wife was moody on and off and somtimes isolated herself from the fam. We all went out for a nice dinner with my wifes dad. At the end of dinner she was looking at the menu trying to figure out what she wants for desert, I said "what are you getting?" she threw a quiet scene (which I think is worse than loud ones from an outside perspective) privately with me, stood up and proclaimed to everyones ears that I was implicating her fattness (She's a super model, no joke. So there is no fattness) and storms out of the Daily Grill. For the next two days she sulked in her room and didn't talk to anybody. My mother, having been completely intregued by this whole thing and constantly asking how I felt about all of this behind her back (very f-ing childish) finally confronts her and tells her what a horrible person she is, how she's going to drive me to suicide, how she's going to bring me to hell, that she's selfish, has no reguard for anyone but herself, that 'her son was bright and happy once and then he met you!', and stuff like that all in one sitting. At this point I knew is was time to leave. So we left. I come back with my brother-inlaw to get our furniture and boxes and stuff, I come outside to the truck to find my mother cursing at my brother-inlaw! I suppose she just came out to say: 'You've known Kate a long time, is she always like this, I just don't know what to do blah, balh, blah' and my brother-inlaw stood up for us and said that it wasn't any of his buisiness and that she need not sabatage our marraige. For months now I've been living with this manipulative, sad and depressing discontent. My wife would make comments about my parents in anger to hurt me (not anymore), my mother begs me to leave my wife and continues trying to grieve me with her "feelings" WEEKLY! If I'm okay, and my mind is somewhat off of my memories, My mother will call and say: 'You know, my feelings are really hurt, I was just thinking about the time when, and why this, why that, why do you stay with her' etc... I'm so jaded at this point in life that I can't and won't simpathise with these people (my parents or my wife) I don't care about their stupid self absorbed feelings. They enjoy their Hell. It's all they know. To break things and hurt people. I want a real wife. I want my mom to stop trying to sabatage what little marraige I have left. Sorry it was so long. Someone help me please.

[a4a]

1. you and your wife need MC- demand it or divorce her. She would benefit from some IC.... sounds like she has some very deep issues to deal with.

2. you need to tell your mother to nicely shut up and stay out of your marriage.

3. you decide if you want to stay married or not.

4. take action on all the above immediatley if not sooner.

 

You need to approach this in a logical manner since it seems you are the only sane one in the bunch.

[quankanne]

addendum to A's list:

 

move some place far enough away to keep your mom from meddling as you work on your marriage.

 

if nicely telling mama to butt out doesn't do the trick, you may just have to be nasty and in your face about it. Because it really doesn't sound like your mom will listen unless aggressively taken off-guard … not very nice, but I think your crisis situation merits it.

[Moose]

My wife had an affair with a young boy in our church youth group. I slowly and violently died inside. Okay... So that was over a year ago.

Emotional? Physical? How young? Only a little over a year ago?

storms out of the Daily Grill. For the next two days she sulked in her room and didn't talk to anybody.

How old is your wife?

[ARDriver01]

Both, 17 (which is not considered a minor in NC) my wife is 24.

[Moose]

I meant to ask your age as well.

 

I'm concerned that she was able to have an affair in such a setting as Church.......big red flag. It shows me that she's not concerned with any of the potential ramifications both secularly, and spiritually.

 

Easy way out is to divorce her immediatley. (you have every right to do so)

 

The honorable thing to do is to search your heart, pray earnestly, and the decision will come to you.

 

Granted, if you decide to fix this marriage, you will have a long and sometimes painful road ahead of you.....

 

As far as your parents hating your wife......they need to let their son go, and you need to live your own life.....

[Woggle]

Your mother sees how much you are in pain and if you ask me she is right.

[ARDriver01]

I'm 24 also. It's insane how it happened, huge tragedy in my life. I was asked to go to another church by the pastor only weeks after learning of the affair. (due to the fact that the communication had yet to cease and I saw them looking at eachother during service and I was like: 'THAT'S IT!!!'. I went after him on the lawn after many attempts to calm me by church elders. This was a Pentacostal church) I was very angry, stuck in the military and unable to retaliate against anybody. He ran away from me as I approached and I was lifted off the ground by a very large Special Forces Colonel who pulled me aside and counseled me. Of course the whole church knew after the little f*ck bragged to his fellow idiots. I haven't been to church since. Like... I needed the church and its guidence and told me to leave. I didn't have to leave. He should have left, the family should have left, they were nothing but rude to me through all of this. Iv'e prayed to exhaustion and Iv'e been through living hell. I love my wife but she hurts. We're definately going to counseling soon.

[Moose]

This was a Pentacostal church)

Oh boy.....that in itself is baddddd news brother.....chances are, they've recognized this, "boy" to have a, "gift", (tongues or interpretation), and was deemed, "rightgeous" in the eyes of the Church, "edlers".....that sect has some serious issues.

Of course the whole church knew after the little f*ck bragged to his fellow idiots. I haven't been to church since. Like... I needed the church and its guidence and told me to leave. I didn't have to leave.

Another potential follower bites the dust due to religous zealots......sad indeed.....

Iv'e prayed to exhaustion and Iv'e been through living hell. I love my wife but she hurts. We're definately going to counseling soon.

I'm sorry......you may have a super model of a wife.....but I don't think she's worth the counceling at all......sorry to say that so bluntly, but this situation with the Church and all would've ended it for me right then and there......

[annabelle75]

Oh boy.....that in itself is baddddd news brother.....chances are, they've recognized this, "boy" to have a, "gift", (tongues or interpretation), and was deemed, "rightgeous" in the eyes of the Church, "edlers".....that sect has some serious issues. Another potential follower bites the dust due to religous zealots......sad indeed.....I'm sorry......you may have a super model of a wife.....but I don't think she's worth the counceling at all......sorry to say that so bluntly, but this situation with the Church and all would've ended it for me right then and there......

 

Woo woo woo ..... hold on there. I'm a Pentecostal and what you just said is way off base. Now, there is a small sect (or as I like it to cal it CULT) that refer to themselves as "Pentecostals" that are rather nutty. They don't allow their women to wear jewlery or makeup and stuff like that. If that is what you are referring to, than I agree. But if you are refering the basic Pentecotsal (Foursquare) churches in the US, you might want to check your facts first.

 

I can tell you that at the church I grew up in this behavior would not have been acceptable and those in charge would have doen their best to support him through this.

[Zona76]

Annabelle ease off.

You are reading from the inside. What Moose meant in saying Pentecostals are zealots you assume to be bad.

Being a zealot in what you believe in, is not wrong nor demeaning. It only means you wont back down nor compromise in your religious decision. (That is a good thing) But outsiders see this as *cult* Yet a zealot see themselves as following the law.

 

The pastor should address this with the members. But he can't ardriver01. He can't with YOU and your WIFE still in attendance.

You both need to move on and forward. Move to another congregation.

I feel too you need to sit your mother down and tell her that she is YOUR wife and it is HER whom you are loyal to. Tell her if she forces you to to decide who to chose you will pack and move very far away.

 

Your both need counseling. The issues go beyond your family.

She may have had some eating disorders in her past to have these feelings about food. You are back in the world now and making a new start. You both need to think what to do next.

I am going to stand in defense of your marriage.

Perhaps she misses her career.

So many things you need to talk about.

Councilors can show you how to talk about it. Show you both what to say and how to move to the next subject.

There is a lot of healing that needs to be done. But first you need to discover where the pain is most needed to be healed.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Does your wife want to stay married to you?

[Yentush]

Hi,

 

I have been a lurker here for quite some time, but this is the first time that I have posteed here.

 

Your post hits on many areas, and I will try and reach them all.

First, your mother is wrong to approach your wife and in using guilt about HER feelings (your mother's) as a reason to leave your wife. I understand her reasoning for telling you to leave your wife, but the way she goes about it is WAY off base and totally out of line.

 

Next, the affair.

 

You have to look at things in the proper perspective. Your wife is not some innocent lily here. She is an adult who decided to screw around (sorry if that is blunt) with a 17 year old KID. Yes, he bragged. He is a child. Should he have? No, he should not. HOWEVER, she is as guilty as he is. She knowingly and willingly had continuous sex with another man, while married to you. No one forced her to do this, no one attacked her. She opened her legs of her own free will. Once caught, she had no shame in making google eyes at him in church, in a House of the L-rd. they both did. BOTH of them were wrong. While I understand your taking your anger out on this boy, as it is easier to blame him than your wife, they are in it together. In fact, she is more culpable than the boy, as she is an adult and she is the one who strayed her marriage vows.

 

I understand how much easier it is for you to blame this child, than to look at your wife and wonder how she could betray you and her vows. How much more simple it is to blame him, than to wonder what she found in you that was wanting. Has it not occurred to you that the lack is in her and not in yourself?

 

Next, her mopish and spoiled behavior. Your wife cheated on you, she had sex with another man. She betrayed everything you held dear. She should not be moping around, going on infantile tantrums. She should be kissing your feet and begging for forgiveness. She should be showing you loving attention and proving that she regrets her actions and trying to prove that she repents her mistakes and that she wants to remain your FAITHFUL wife.

 

You are, I am afraid, blaming everyone other than her and she is reviling in the drama of it all. Your mother was wrong in her actions, but right about your wife's behavior and the effect that it is having on you. The boy should not have bragged and made google eyes, but he is a teenager. Your WIFE is a spoiled little piece of selfishness and you should tell her that either she grows up and repents ALL of her actions, or she can hit the streets.

 

I am sorry if I am too blunt, but I see your wife as being a selfish little twit, who relies on her good looks to get her through everything. That is probably why she hat that *****fit in the restaurant. If you think that she is fat, she will have no hold over you any more.

 

You deserve better. Start standing up for yourself and remember that YOU were wronged her and that SHE has to make up for it. Stop finding excuses and forgiving her vile behavior.

[Zona76]

Oh CRIPE!

Mothers of adult children need to back off. She can advise her opinions. Not to change the life of her kids. Because they are NOT kids anymore. They are ADULTS. She can't stand this boy is no longer asking, "Mother may I have a cookie!"

This is his wife. This is HIS life and His decision. If he screws up then he's learned a new lesson.

As for her career; maybe she's bored. I don't know. Having a career gives one a since of self, belonging and value.

Mainly though Mom needs to back off.

ardriver knows that the mistakes he may make are his. He doesn't need Mom's help.

That is why I suggest a councilor. They are trained not to tell you what to do, but to see what paths are available.

The windows to this room are wide open. Don't let your Mom back you in a corner.

[ARDriver01]

Thank you very much for you support Zona76, I really appreciate it. She does have an eating disorder and has for many, many years. That's a whole other subject. Iv'e dealt with that as much I know how to but she's more than determined to beat herself up over body issues. She's been given more mind exploding advise from me, her friends and family about how she's wasting her life on the last thing she should be worried about, but she's like: 'Wow that's so true, I'm going to get Magnesium Citrate now'. But like I said, that's a whole other thing. But Thank's again for your encouraging words.

[ARDriver01]

Daimonds&rust, You don't know how many times I've asked her that. Apparently she does. Like, doesn't know what to do without me.

[Trialbyfire]

Daimonds&rust, You don't know how many times I've asked her that. Apparently she does. Like, doesn't know what to do without me.

Might I ask why you're responsible for her? Is she 5 years old? She gets to be the child with no responsibilities and you've become the adult who must take care of her. Do you feel this is a healthy relationship, as it stands?

[YellowLioness]

That's the name of the game, here. Your wife sounds just like your mom, only 25 years younger and with a better body.

 

You just need to think for yourself. You don't NEED to be told what to do by anybody, and no one has the right to tell you how to feel just because they don't like your situation.

 

Enough about mom- now I'll head to wifey: Wifey sounds really annoying to me. Here you have a grown woman who isn't mature enough to handle a marriage, and uses her crotch to get what she wants.

 

Sure, she wants to say married to you. You'll put up with anything from her. Sheesh! You know...if she wants an open marriage, then you could have your freedom, too.

[huh]

Your mom is concerned about you, but her showing it in the way she has isn't helping. Maybe you can sit down with her and calmly tell her you appreciate her concern and you need to work things out with your marriage one way or the other. But that the way she's expressing concern is adding to your stress levels and makes you reluctant to talk to her about the situation. Ask her if she can show her support in a different way. She's afraid of losing you. Some reassurance that it's not going to happen may help.

 

As for your wife, counseling is a good idea. Her behavior has been pretty unacceptable. The affair, the drama at dinner, etc. As for the church, the reason they may have not asked the boy to leave is they might be thinking a 17 year old having an affair with a 24 year old is being exploited?