Author 2005lexus Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 That is a part of why I need feedback on my honest answers. I am a very open minded man and if I see the flaws in my ways I will change. I know you can't buy love but I think every man at some point goes astray even with good intent. When desperate enough you think if you shower her with financial aid then surely you will get her attention. When I end up in a rut at times I try to weasel some avenue to be the knight in shining armor, even if its just to help her with throwing mulch down in her flowerbeds, or yes, pay some bills. Wrong answer I know but I needed to be told the truth from a third party so I don't keep doing it. I do not want to keep score and I do not want to buy her off. My pain is what causes that to come out.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 She might also be holding back until you actually get divorced...She may be guarding her heart, so if the divorce doesn't go through, she won't be totally devastated... Try to see it from her stance...
frannie Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I gave her what I could given my circumstances. So far since December I paid her bills and took care of her as if I was her full time man. To the tune of $30,000, helping with her mortgage, bill etc. I gave her all my energy, time and emotion. I basically overloaded her, and probably did all that in error because deep down I think she didn't earn it. My expectations of her were high because of the effort I put into her. Well you're talking here of money...? well that's again a whole different thing. You might pay all sorts of bills and so on and so she has to behave in a certain way..? Are you trying to say she should behave in a certain way because you paid bills... so she can't hang out on the beach with people because you handed over all that money? This is getting way, way too complicated, and to be honest every time you post there is something new... You may have given her 'all your energy, time and emotion' but what..? she still isn't good enough? You're repeating yourself over and over here. And I'm ending up doing the same... you are married... no matter how 'good' you are to her, you're still married. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what she is, who she is, or whatever... you're the one with the problems...
frannie Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 When desperate enough you think if you shower her with financial aid then surely you will get her attention. Well perhaps you do, but not all men do, and not all women respond to that either. Are you really suggesting that if you 'shower her with financial aid' you will buy her attention..? lol... and not only attention but total commitment forever..? Or is that just when you're 'desperate enough'..? And how desperate are you..? You cant buy someone's attention, and this post just made me feel like your entire questioning has been just a little bit trollish.
Author 2005lexus Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 I prefaced my statement about money by saying even with good intent a man can go astray in his mind out of the pain of trying to win a girl. If that makes me sound trollish i'm sorry. I already said I do not think that money buys attention etc. Even if I risk sounding shallow in some of my posts I value the continued feedback no matter how much it slams me. Last night I spoke with her and asked her why she says I love you when at every turn it seems she reminds me that we are just friends. She said she has a hard time letting go of me, that when she closes her eyes I am only an arms length away and the thought of me being truly gone scares her. She said she is scared of the hurt. She said even though in her mind she has made her choice, she still has me and doesn't want to let me go. The reason I am an arms length away is because of what I said before. I find ways to be there for her and be in the picture. I respond to her missing me etc because I do too. I try to change her mind by being an ever present source of things she needs and attempt to give her security. I respect your views of me Frannie but am I the only man that gives gifts and support hoping to win over a girl? You make me sound like a real ass. Either way I know even between the lines there are things that you can pick up about me and those things that your comments, they make me do more soul searching to determine true or false and adjust. The overall picture I think you all see, and I see is that I am needy, looking for the security blanket of a love relationship to feel happy and misguided in how I am going about getting it. Now is time to change and stop talking about it. I wish I had a pill to take to cover up the void I feel that she has chosen to be gone. Yes I am separated, but still married and what should I expect from any woman. I got myself in this mess emotionally. Any advice on practical ways to get out of the emotional pit without depending on a relationship fix to do it?
4whatItsWorth Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Well, I am happy to hear that you are wanting to work o´n your issues - that is way more than my friend does. He believes he is perfect and deserve perfection...hm. Although, stop making your wife being "in case of". It is honestly not fair on her, it really isn't. You married her once, she can't be that bad of a person - doesn't she deserve to find happiness too? File for divorce, that is step one. You keep wanting this girl to prove her love to you...so here is example two of my friend: He dated another girl few weeks after the first. He claimed to be in love after 3 days. Then he would block her on msn to make her "miss him" so that she could shower him with love. That is what he does - he BLOCKS the woman FORCING her to love him?! Thank GOD he lost interest and she could find someone better. (He lost interest because she wouldn't say she loved him too after 4 days together...) So, I sense you are at least a bit less needy and more clever than my friend. He is beyond help. However, you are not. Lesson number one: Do not be "cold" to a woman in order to make her love you. You need to start writing down 5 things you like about yourself and tell them to your face every morning. The first thing is to love yourself - otherwise you won't ever believe anybody else could truly love you. (If you can't love yourself - how can anybody?) Then, once you have told your wife you do NOT want to reconcile, that you wish her best of luck in finding a man who will love her as she deserves, you file for divorce. Once you have filed for divorce you tell this OW that you need some time alone to work on your issues and take some time to get over the divorce. This is the time for IC and self-esteem building. Meanwhile, you should improve your friendship with her - go to movies, hang out - but on a friend basis. Get to REALLY know each other. Once you are feeling more confident, that you CAN be alone and DOES NOT have to be in a relationship to be happy - then you are ready to for real have a relationship. TRUST me on this, you will never be able to have a functional, healthy relationship before you are able to love and respect yourself enough to realise you do not need someone to shower you love to live happy. (It's a bonus - though!) Please, do not end up like my friend. You do NOT want to do that. Best of luck!
Author 2005lexus Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 This coping is hard stuff for me. She calls me and tells me she is going with her girl cousin to the flea market all afternoon but maybe would like to see me afterwards. I'm looking forward to it and get kinda anxious when she doesn't call. I text her but no response. I finally call and she is all happy. She says she is just finishing up. I ask about her cousin and if she liked the flea market. She says she went with this guy from next door and is with him right now so she can't talk. My stomach hurt from that and right now I feel terrible again. I hate this feeling. I know I have to go through it but thought writing this up here would help get it out.
Author 2005lexus Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 I just about did 200 pushups just now in between the tears. I made a promise to myself a couple days ago that when a curveball is thrown my way I would do something the TOTAL opposite of what I would normally do. Instead of laying in bed moping, I either work out, buy new clothes, or spend time with my kids. I think I need to go over to the coping forum now and start reading.
Author 2005lexus Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 In my search for stability I am reading up on what ails me. Here is a bit of what I read. "What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent? Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility. An emotionally responsible person does not take others' behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others' feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours. Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self - the ego self - you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are "in love." However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you can't live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is "in love" is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another's love, which is why you can't live without that person. " As you can see I am on my way. I know its a day to day battle but soon I hope to be free from my dependency issues. Just a bit of info to keep you posted on my situation.
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