stepdadinarknasas Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I currently live with my wife and her 11 year-old from a prior marriage. The step-daughter (SD) has been a good kid for the most part, but as she has gotten older, she has started to have more of an attitude. She is argumentative, does not listen well, and has really mastered the art of playing her two biological parents off of one another. She also has learned that she can get attention by embellishing or flat-out manufacturing illnesses, to the tune of 11 ER visits in 7 years. Some of these were legit, but many were "attention-seeking" complaints of non-specific pain, which lacked any objective findings. My wife has always said that she and the SD were a "package deal," and has made it clear that her kid comes before me. She always denies this, but the truth is evident. For instance, my wife takes the SD's word over mine. She is also very lax in disciplinging the SD when she misbehaves, and gets mad at me when I am forced (out of neccessity) to step in. She constantly questions my authority in front of the SD, and over-rules decisions that I have made when she (the wife) was gone. Sometimes it seems like they "gang up" on me, so that I can be made the bad guy, and my wife can be the "hero" for vetoing me on an unpopular decision. My wife expects me to provide for her and the SD, as if she was my own daughter. In fact, it should be my "privilege" to provide for the SD. In my wife's mind, there is no difference between a step-dad and a biological dad, at least when it comes to responsibilities. I am expected to do all of the day-to-day leg work that a "real" dad would do, such as running errands, helping with homework, and, of course, paying for almost everything. However, I do not receive from the SD any of the love or respect that a "real" dad would get, and my wife is just fine with that. She says, in a nutshell, "Tough **it, that's the way it is, deal with it. She does not even listen to me when I try to tell her how much this hurts my feelings. I put a lot of effort into raising my SD, and I get none of the rewards that a "real" dad would get, and that is what hurts. It also hurtful that my wife does not express one iota of appreciation for what I do for the SD. The biological dad is worthless. He talks to the SD once a week on the phone, and gets her one weekend a month. He never buys the SD anything, and often leaves her behind when he goes on trips with his "new" family (he remarried right after he divorced my wife). He bends over backwards to try and avoid paying the proper amount of child support. Of course, anything that he **does** do is worshipped by the SD, who is constantly trying to win his love and approval. She also tries to "protect" him, by not telling him about things that she does with me and the wife. For instance, if we go out for dinner, the SD will specifically avoid mentioning this to the biological dad, so tat his feelings won't be hurt, because he never takes the SD out for dinner. I guess what it boils down to is this: I have all of the responsiblities of a "real" dad, few if any of the benefitis, a wife who does not support me, and an essentially absent biological dad who is worshipped for doing virtually nothing. Does anyone have advice for dealing with this situation?
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 has made it clear that her kid comes before me This is good, this is the way it should be. Now talk to your wife about getting some respect. Tell her you can't do what she expects of you if you're constantly undermined, and that while you can tolerate the SD not liking you, you have to have respect in your house--from both the young one and the wife.
Jinxx Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 How long have you been married? Are there other children involved or just the 11 year-old? I am a former stepmom and can certainly relate to what you are going through. My husband was custodial which made it even more complicated. The important thing is to have the backing of your wife. Without that you are in a whole world of hurt. Think about counseling if both of you are not on the same page as that is vital. It is natural for kids to manipulate both sets of parents and also natural to put the out-of-sight biological father on a pedestal. My daughter did this too and it was just as frustrating for me as it was for my husband -- he never gave up, was extremely a wonderful stepdad to both of my children. With that said -- there is hope. As they get older (my daughter is now 17) they come around to see who was there for them when needed. Even though I am now separated from my husband, my daughter sees her stepdad as more of a father figure then her biodad. You are doing all of the right things. If you love your wife and your stepdaughter then give it time. Be patient and keep being as supportive as you have been and thing will eventually turn around to your favor. Good luck to you.
curiousnycgirl Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Almost everything you typed is to be expected. I would expect an 11 year old to have attitude (which will only get worse over the next few years), and I would expect her to idolize her absent father, the kid playing one parent of the other, etc. The only thing that sounds unacceptable to me is your wife not supporting you and making you out to be the villain. That simply has to end. I agree with the other poster - discuss it, and if that doesn't work, get counseling. The stuff with the kid will work itself out - it's the stuff with your wife you need to work on!
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