D-Lish Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I have been seeing a guy who is pretty decent by most accounts- it's still new, only 3 weeks- and we are taking things slow, which is what we both want. Some problems have become evident of late. We only see each other twice a week at most- so the fact that I am seeing these problems so quickly make me leery. Anyway- I know he's anxious- because he gets panic attacks. I have no issue with that- that doesn't phase me. But I am starting to see signs of depression to go along with the anxiety- and from experience, I know that anxiety and depression often co-exist in a person. He hates his job, doesn't make great money- and I can tell those things really affect his mood. Now, he's nice to me- and we get along well so far- I am just wondering if by staying with him that more of these issues, perhaps something darker may surface. That worries me- mostly because I am just getting over facing my own demons.... and still am working through some of my demons. I guess I am asking if people think that it might be detrimental to my own recovery and success if I hook up with a guy who is facing things and dealing with issues that I have already faced and recovered from. Does that make sense? On one hand, I do like him. And that nurturing side of me wants to help him through this difficult time- mostly because I remember how lonley and frustrating it can be to deal with those things alone. I also know how it feels to be low, and then be abandoned. However- it's only been a short time dating... so I am pondering if it is healthy for me to get involved with him ~ especially if it could potentially suck some energy out of me that I have worked so hard to build back. And if I do make the choice to walk away... how does one find the strength to do that? I already like and care for him, and I know leaving him would be hard because of that. But if it is the right/rational decision for me to walk.... how should I go about it? Anyone have any advice on how to conjur the emotional strength to leave someone you like but know they may not be good for you? Any advice would be appreciated.
fray718 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120014/ go to my thread above....near the bottom of the thread you will see that my guy had the SAME problem! Except here the panic attack happened because of me and so he ended up walking away from me. While it hurts, I mean this guy is obviously screwed up and it wouldnt work out anyway. So yea maybe you should considering bolting before ya get hurt. If you need emotional strenght, read my thread for it haha. Either that, or take it realllllyyyyy slowly (I think what happened there was that I sorta rushed it and he felt the pressure that triggered the attack...I got the impression that was the first attack he got...cuz of me).
progressioncity Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Bolt. People like that will suck you dry and then blame you for their problems. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I guess I am asking if people think that it might be detrimental to my own recovery and success if I hook up with a guy who is facing things and dealing with issues that I have already faced and recovered from. Does that make sense? Yes, it makes sense. And yes, your fears are reasonable. Sorry, I know that sucks. I know the part of you that really likes this one will entertain the fantasy of you both getting better and being really happy. You don't gotta bolt though. Why not continue to take it slow with him until you've totally worked out all your issues, and who knows, he might too?
marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Does that make sense? On one hand, I do like him. And that nurturing side of me wants to help him through this difficult time- mostly because I remember how lonley and frustrating it can be to deal with those things alone. I also know how it feels to be low, and then be abandoned. However- it's only been a short time dating... so I am pondering if it is healthy for me to get involved with him ~ especially if it could potentially suck some energy out of me that I have worked so hard to build back. And if I do make the choice to walk away... how does one find the strength to do that? I already like and care for him, and I know leaving him would be hard because of that. But if it is the right/rational decision for me to walk.... how should I go about it? Anyone have any advice on how to conjur the emotional strength to leave someone you like but know they may not be good for you? Any advice would be appreciated. I cannot tell you whether to bolt or not..I can only say that I am in the midst of a similar problem...I have been dating him for eight months and each day it gets worse...I too am a nuturing type, that combined with the fact that I fell for him, makes it hard to let go!!! But yes it is something to definitely consider .. these types will drag you down and in my my own experience (which may not occur in your case) a darker more ominous side might surface..These are deeply disturbed people and as such have a distorted sense of reality and tend to misinterpret things, often projecting their own issues onto those that are close to them. Everyone is to blame for all the ills in their lives but themselves ...They are incapable of accepting responsibilty for whatever is ailing them.. a touch of narcissistic behaviour couoled with sociopathetic I am not syaing bolt ...give it a chance for a while but ALWAYS be weary and alert....and above all, protect yourself! Expect the worse and hope for the best!
Art_Critic Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Stick it out...for now But keep your eyes peeled for any swelling of those red flags.. if they seem like they are going to create any drama in your life then boot him..
marlena Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I think I just coined a new word!! "Sociopathetic"!! A Freudian slip, perhaps? Sociopathic, I meant of course. Amazing what a couple of beers can do to expand your vocabulary, huh? DDlish, I hear you! Just tread very carefully!
saturnalia Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Bolt. You're only three weeks into it, and if you're having any hesitation, NOW is the time to act, not later. I met a man several months ago and things started out very intensely. He was great, the sex was mindblowing, we seemed to have lots in common. However, he was faced with significant stress in his life due to a career change which wasn't working out and, after about a month of dating, all I heard when we spoke was his problems at work. He would never really ask about me - I just felt like a sounding board and cheerleader all the time. I tried to be supportive, but things weren't getting better and the positive aspects (sex, affection, activities together) vanished as his anxiety and stress took over. It was at that point I had to end it. Life is simply too short. I told him I am there for him as a friend, but he blamed me for not sticking through it and promised me things would get better. I don't regret it. The timing was wrong for our relationship, and that's the way it things turn out....
oppath Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Great...now I'm certain that my depression followed by the failure of my PhD project led to my breakup. I was surely more depressed and anxious and needed support...crap. I definitely wasn't as inquisitive to her. That said, people with depression are fully capable of being in loving relationships. Having that illness should not deter you unless it impacts you negatively. I say give him a chance. Don't nurture him, that is not your job. But people with depression and anxiety are perfectly normal. What is most important is (a) how long has he been struggling and (b) if he has been receiving any treatment and is committed to getting better. Crap...now I'm going to be thinking all day that my ex left me because I had gotten depressed, or that because I suffer from depression, women won't want me. Depression is a treatable illness and the people who have it are NORMAL and fully capable of relationships. The stigma needs to be dropped. To those using terms like sociopath your are mistaken and uneducated about the disease. Depressed people are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for the things in their lives. There is no evidence to support a darker side will surface. That is CRAZY. 1-in-5 people will have mental illness at some point in their life, that means you or someone really close to you, or if you have a family, someone in your family. Are those people necessarily crazy, dark, or severely disturbed? NO!
progressioncity Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I wouldn't say a darker side will surface, nor that depressed people are incapable of relationships--I wouldn't say that at all. Three weeks into it though and you just getting back on your feet? It's easier to leave now.
Kamille Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Tricky. I've noticed you're always very much on the alert for red flags with every guy you date. I understand that this is you looking out for yourself and really I admire you for that. Yet maybe this is a bit pre-emptive? Maybe after three weeks, and him treating you well thus far, it might be a bit too early to really make that kind of decision. At the same time, I just walked away from someone because 1) not over his ex 2) very unstable about what he wants in life right now. But my gut feeling was really strong about me walking away because he wasn't giving me the reassurance I needed to stay there. And mostly, I am just very proud that I am finally putting myself first. I think, since you do have a nurturing side - and it shows in your responses here- the best thing you could to if you decide to stay a bit longer is HOLD OFF on helping him out. I've positioned myself as the nurturer in previous relationships and it always blew up in my face. Let him prove to you that he is a strong man, you know? good to hear from you D! K
Author D-Lish Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 Great...now I'm certain that my depression followed by the failure of my PhD project led to my breakup. I was surely more depressed and anxious and needed support...crap. I definitely wasn't as inquisitive to her. That said, people with depression are fully capable of being in loving relationships. Having that illness should not deter you unless it impacts you negatively. I say give him a chance. Don't nurture him, that is not your job. But people with depression and anxiety are perfectly normal. What is most important is (a) how long has he been struggling and (b) if he has been receiving any treatment and is committed to getting better. Crap...now I'm going to be thinking all day that my ex left me because I had gotten depressed, or that because I suffer from depression, women won't want me. Depression is a treatable illness and the people who have it are NORMAL and fully capable of relationships. The stigma needs to be dropped. To those using terms like sociopath your are mistaken and uneducated about the disease. Depressed people are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for the things in their lives. There is no evidence to support a darker side will surface. That is CRAZY. 1-in-5 people will have mental illness at some point in their life, that means you or someone really close to you, or if you have a family, someone in your family. Are those people necessarily crazy, dark, or severely disturbed? NO! That is what I am saying.... I am depressd too. And maybe that's not a good mix?
Reckless Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 If you are a natural caregiver you will tend towards people who need taking care of. If you want a happy and balanced relationship you will need to find a soul that is happy and balanced. Your choice. Now, don't get me wrong, we are all of us 'damaged' to some extent and even those that have been crushed by life and will never function normally, have the right to love and companionship but, if you have the choice between someone happy and healthy, content in his life and comfortable in his skin and someone that is anxious depressed and looking more for someone to 'save' him and make him happy, choose the person with the least issues because in a relationship ALL your partners issues become your issues. You have seen signs that indicate the path you will walk, if co-dependancy is your goal go forth, if depression and anxiety are major turn-ons for you, go ahead this is not a judgement just a statement of fact. He may be worth it, he may not - three weeks is too early to tell but whether he is worth the price you will pay, or not you WILL pay a price.
Author D-Lish Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Thanks for the responses. There is always good advice to be found here. It's such a dilemma to like someone, yet recognize that they aren't compatible. I'm seeing him tomorrow- so I think maybe I'll actually discuss my fears with him. Probably a good route to take. i just don't want to walk away and leave him hanging. Thanks everyone. D
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