4peace Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Just need a little pep talk. I ended things but know things were not right for either of us. It's been three months ish and NC from either of us, only dated 8 months, (things were semi good throughout) when I ended it, we were both quickly on a personal's site seeking others. LStory Short- Whether I made a mistake or not, the timing was all wrong. I'm onto making my life what it needs to be and I haven't a clue about him but I miss him terribly. NC has helped to not revisit uncomfortable feelings even though there was so much left unsaid when I split. I was angry and he was an a_ _ the night I made the decision. He is rude when he feels cornered to just communicate, cocky when he is wrong and even though I know he had feelings for me, I think he may have cheated on me during the time we were together once.(never confirmed) My Q- I still think strongly about him and his child he adopted. We both need to grow up and possibly re-visit things some time in the future. Do I wait until I have my life sorted out or should I make contact, appologize for leaving so drastically and not saying what I needed to say and see where things stand? (so as to get on with my life if there is NOTHING left between us) Or should I just let life bring us back together naturally? (if only just to finally make closure between us) I only struggle with all of this because I would have liked to have been an adult about it all and COMMUNICATE. (He has trouble with communicating) He is ten years younger and still acts very immature in relationships. When we broke up, he judged me over four things that are very real but oh so temporary circumstances in my life. But he was so rude, angry and frustrated, he just blew a fuse and blew it with me, then. this all happened on Valentines night. It was almost unforgivable. Even though he tried to appologize, I was so hurt, I just broke it off and went on with my life, well, almost. Guess being here says I am not quite done even though I have dated a couple of people since but they are just not HIM. What does everyone think?
Author 4peace Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Sorry about that, it was really late when I posted.
shockandawed Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hi 4peace, Without knowing for sure the positives here, it is hard to say for sure. It appears that there are serious communication problems between the two of you. He is not able to communicate with you at a level you desire. Those seldom change. Do you want to try to rekindle a relationship with that? Ten years is a big difference. While you miss many of the positive aspects of the relationship, the issues that unraveled it will still be present. Sounds like you need someone a little more mature. As far as contacting him, I would pass. You have gone this long. Closure is overrated and unless you are positive you can handle any response from him, I would avoid it. You will get knocked back emotionally.
Author 4peace Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Excellent advise and greatly appreciated! You've re-confirmed everything running around my head but neatly and consise. Just what I needed. THANK YOU so very much. I will continue forward and count my blessings. Oh how wisdom does make all the difference in the world. it does get better for all who struggle! There are no coincidences, things always happen for a reason, usually a very good reason. And sometimes the 'why' behind it doesn't get revealed but in other and more positive ways. Live life in the present or be stuck in another place but not the present !
randuff Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 My ex just dumped me after 4 years, we are 12 years apart. I think the fact that our SO were younger has a huge impact on the situation. I know that my ex still hasn't had time to herself to discover her true self so that is why she left me. As hard as it is to swwallow maybe you (and I) need someone older and more mature. Oh and as far as contacting him goes...... Everytime I tried to contact my ex it threw my prgress back to day 1... You don't want that, trust me, it sucks.
dazz187s Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 "A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it." -Unknown wow, just love that quote. sorry for what your going though, all i can really say is its better to have been loved then not been loved at all. like the quote states, its better to not put the broken mirror. Let life direct this, once we lose something, we gain it in time.
Author 4peace Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 You know, age does make a difference if one or more are not mature enough to handle the difference. Yes, I think finding someone our own age helps but one cannot always predict new love or attraction. I look much younger than I am, early 40's and always get hit on by younger. I love the mirror quote. It is better to throw it out than try piecing it back together and possibly cut yourself again and again. Love that and will remember it! (thnks) I did make an accidental contact but no reply, thank goodness. I think the universe was taking care of me, because the minute my hand hit the send button, I paniced. It's been three days and I'm much better now. It was as if I saw him for the first time and wanted to run far far away. All the feelings came rushing back, it was horrible. (was on my space, but instead of delete, i hit the send an invite. Dumb, really dumb. So, yes the advise above about not making contact or you start at day one, is SO true. Keep looking forward everyone! 4peace
randuff Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I can tell you that personally I have broken NC myself numerous times and it threw me for a loop. Let the past be the past and move forward. If things were meant to be then by some way the situation will pose itself in front of you without you even trying, thats when (I think) you know that it was meant to be. But by trying for it or searching for it, it just won't work out without someone getting hurt all over again.
Author 4peace Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I can tell you that personally I have broken NC myself numerous times and it threw me for a loop. Let the past be the past and move forward. If things were meant to be then by some way the situation will pose itself in front of you without you even trying, thats when (I think) you know that it was meant to be. But by trying for it or searching for it, it just won't work out without someone getting hurt all over again. thank you randuff: Yes, we are all wondering if things were 'meant to be...'.I see a lot of LS posts that wish they had the answer to one thing! 'Was it meant to be?' I have to say, AGE in this case does lend some wisdom to at least allow things to continue going forward and when and if they,the OP, present themselves again, then we can ALWAYS revisit that at that time. It's the change and sometimes starting all over again, that messes with our heads and hearts until time has healed. If there is anything that is disturbing here on LS is that some posters want to hate the ex, I guess so they have a reason to let go?? They want to tag the way an ending happened, as cowardness or rejection or whatever else is quickly assumed. What I've found is hating our ex's will only maintain animosity between the two of you. We have a choice to do things differently, and with kindness. As hard as it is, please everyone remember, this was someone you loved and were willing at some point to spend the rest of your lives with. Circumstances, whatever they are, individual personality differences, or simply incompatibility, may be the only things we can honestly conclude inorder to completely move on. Just letting 'it' go, the relationship, is an adult and mature way. (Please do not take this as a slight to younger LS posters, I just mean we have to learn to forgive and heal for ourselves. And hating someone or refusing to talk to them if they ever approach is simply unattractive, unhealthy and keeps us stuck in that place and usually repells them from us.) I read a post, can't remember which one, that had a quote. It went something like this, "When hatred docks, happiness finds another port." I whole heartedly believe this and have found it to be true across the board in my life. People gravitate to kindness not anger in every encounter, personal, business or acquaintance. keep looking forward with a genuine smile, allow time enough for it to come, it will, and attraction will flock, almost guaranteed! 4peace;)
madgun68 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 4peace, I just wanted to comment on your post. I think that you are right on in how to handle things when it's over. As for myself, I just wasn't in the right place with myself for my last relationship to have lasted. The difference was only 6 years, but the issue wasn't love. I loved her dearly. I just needed to make some changes in my life, and even the breakup didn't allow me to see that those needed to occur if I were to contribute to any healty relationship. I don't see how some can truely move on if all they've done is replaced the love they once felt with bitter hatred.
JCD Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Hatred is only temporary and is then replaced by indifference.
NorCalDave Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 A 10 or 6 year age gap is nothing. Try 20 years. It's all about the emotional availability and maturity level of the partners involved. When it comes down to it, age really doesn't matter unless child-rearing abilities come into play and that can make or break any relationship. But if both are mature, both are comfortable with themselves and emotionally available, age gaps really don't matter. The sad thing is, with my ex and I, I am the more mature and emotionally available one, and she is 48. She still has alot of growing to do as a person (she was an alcoholic for all of her 30's, which stunted her emotional growth) and so do I. Maybe in the future we will be in better places to be with each other. I just wanted to comment that I don't think age gaps make that much of a difference, but moreso the insecurities that they can bring. If both are secure with themselves, it can work. There are lots of couples out there with age gaps of 12 years, 15 years, 17 years, 20 years, even 25-30 years and they are VERY happy with each other because they are first comfortable with themselves and they can love and be loved. I am comfortable with who I am and I can definitely give/receive love. My ex on the other hand hates that she's aging and doesn't have the porcelain skin she had when she was 25, and she has been scarred by so many things that she doesn't allow herself to be loved. It's sad. That is why we are now ex's. The great thing about life is you never know what's going to happen. As long as you take care of yourself and can be totally happy by yourself, you will never find the love you are looking for. I am just now starting to follow that advice. It's hard, I know.
InvisibleTouch Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 4peace The feelings of hate stem from anger which in the healing process is a natural and recognised phase of recovery...
Author 4peace Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 MG68- thank you and You are right on as well, it's not an age thing. Age is relative to the maturity that is or is not developing. let's get our selves/lives together and make it right for only ourselves. Who knows what is ahead, we are 'in the meantime' when between relationships, real relationships. Ilanya Vanzante wrote that book, read it many moons ago. Very enlightening. Keep things clear and we will travel far. take care. JCD- thank you for posting, you reminded me of something a good friend of mine always says very similar to indifference is detachment. A very hard thing to do but looking back it takes back my personal power and puts me on the right track and back into my own perspective. I also happend on some other advise regarding 'feeling rejected or fear of rejection', which says to turn things around for a moment in the face of a possible 'rejection' (which is what a break up can feel like) And think (remember)YOU are the one who is sizing them up for a potential, whatever. If they fail at this, move on. Simple as that...well almost. (After an invested amount of time with over looking things about a person that would ordinarily be deal breakers because of great sex, good looks or 'the potential one', our own judgement is side tracked, more like hijacked voluntarily, of course). Guess, what I am trying to convey here is I agree, detachment/indifference gains perspective and often insight. Our own. Acceptance is a form of indifference, or is indiff a form of who cares? Acceptance is the final stage of all other grief cylces, anger, sadness, denial, etc...and while we go in and out of all of them, regardless of order and we often repeat them or we repeat them because.... Just DON"T stay stuck on one (hatred) because it feels good not to hurt and it feels good to plot, attack, act out, etc... Yes, we have to go through these in order to get to the other side, but alone or around people who love us unconditionally, like close friends, is best. Thus NC allows each of us to personally process the grief. God, I sound like a f**ing therapist. so what, it's the way I have learned to deal with heartache, disappointment, anger, FEELINGS. It's healthy and I'm getting better at that which brings me to the next reply. NC works as a healing process if done with self intentions! gluck sincerely, 4peace NCD- excellent and good for you for seeing the reality in your sitch. Age is relative and not the deciding factor as in your case. I should have just referred to maturity. It sounds like you love her very much but know things are just not right for you to align with her at this time. Communicating this may or may not be heard but you know this is what is right for you. We all have to look out for ourselves, no one else is going to do that. LS has helped and continues to help so many because it gives us an anonymous place to vent, write and get objective feedback from others. Sort of a free therapy session in group form. I love you LS, thank you thank you. I know it's sometimes just confirming to read these posts but getting clarity is truly the reward. keep your clarity my friend and you will rise from the ashes every time.
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