A little bit shocked!

[whichwayisup]

I think too there's alot more going on behind the scenes than BB realizes.

 

I do agree, he should be helping his son understand, not sit there and let him hate his mom. The kid is going to blame himself anyway, that's a given, so he can make it easier, and definately TRY his best to mend the fences by honest himself.

 

He can't (MM) control what his STBXW does or doesn't say, so all he can do is buffer the fallout. Eventually it WILL come out that he had someone on the side as well...Especially if some of his friends, family know already. The truth has a way of coming out on it's own...

[herenow]

I think too there's alot more going on behind the scenes than BB realizes.

 

I do agree, he should be helping his son understand, not sit there and let him hate his mom. The kid is going to blame himself anyway, that's a given, so he can make it easier, and definately TRY his best to mend the fences by honest himself.

 

He can't (MM) control what his STBXW does or doesn't say, so all he can do is buffer the fallout. Eventually it WILL come out that he had someone on the side as well...Especially if some of his friends, family know already. The truth has a way of coming out on it's own...

 

This is proof that these MM who say they love their kids so much, that they can't do anything to hurt them (like leave for the OW) are full of it. If this man loved his son, he would do the right thing, right now, but he chooses to protect himself. Who does he love other than himself? No one, Babybird, no one and unfortunately that includes his son and you.

[herenow]

I don't remember if anyone mentioned it in this thread, but you might want to get an STD test, since MM's wife has also been stepping out on him as well.

 

And his wife should have the benefit of knowing that her husband has been sleeping around so that she can get tested as well.

[NoIDidn't]

I can't say that he never would've left her and I can't say that he would've. His plan was to leave this month, right after his son got out of school. School isn't out yet. Yeah, takes real balls to tell her husband she wants a divorce AFTER the BF's W discovered them and was going to call and tell MM. Yeah, real courage. They were both cowards and were afraid to lose the financial security. And I never said he was sad over them M ending, I said shocked. He is sad for his son and how the break-up is affecting him.

 

Your opinion might be that once a cheater always a cheater but mine isn't and never has been. Being a coward in one aspect of your life doesn't make you a complete p*ssy. Haven't you ever been scared to do something life altering? If you haven't then damn are you lucky.

 

How the he.ll did you jump to the conclusion that I believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" from the post you responded to? I said the man is a COWARD. C-O-W-A-R-D. That's what I said.

 

You are so bent on defending him that you aren't even considering yourself here. He is letting his W take the fall for the demise of the M. They both did that. He is allowing his son to hate his own mother.

 

Again, caught or not, she STILL has far more balls than her cowardly H, your MM, ever had.

 

As far as having been scared to do something, of course. That comes with living. Not such a profound thought or concept. But being a coward in relationships will spill over into ALL relationships in your life. That's the problem you are going to deal with Prince Charming.

 

I don't apologize for my delivery. It was in response to yours.

[Babybird]

SO let me get this straight:

 

They stay: They're selfish.

 

They Leave: They're selfish.

 

They stay for the kids: They're cowards, selfish and horrible parents.

 

They leave for the OW: They're cowards, selfish and horrible parents.

 

They don't tell they had an A: They're selfish.

 

They do tell they had an A: They're still selfish.

 

So anyway you look at it, this man is going to be a selfish coward that only thinks about himself. He also is a horrible, unloving father because he isn't willing to tell that he had an A. Oh, and because he is 'letting' his son hate his mother by not telling that he had an A. He doesn't love me or his son and only loves himself because he isn't willing to tell about his A in addition to the fact that he had one. His son has the impression that the M was peachy keen and it is all the W fault that the M ended and this is because MM has never contradicted any of this. The W is a hero because she decided to tell their son she was f*cking someone else and he didn't.

 

Wow.

 

Did I miss anything?

[NoIDidn't]

BB

 

You have done an excellent job of not addressing anything that *I* was talking about. Maybe someone else will let you change the subject, but I am not that someone.

 

Nowhere have I adressed him staying or leaving, so I don't know why you bring it up other than not so clever deflection. His mind is on his W and M and every conversation you have with him (and relate back here) only betrays that fact. He is in blame her mode. You are helping him (blame her, what about him and his part of this whole mess). How convenient.

 

Yes, he is a coward, that has also added cheating to his repertoire. Now he gets YOUR pity because he's all messed up because his W wants to leave him? How does THAT make any sense?!!! You want to defend him to defend your own honor. How about you let him defend himself? Wait, he's a coward. That's not likely to happen.

 

What is likely to happen is that he will lean on you through out his divorce so much so that you won't have time to think about what YOU want in all of this. Besides him, what else do you want? Have you considered that? Or is having him tantamount right now?

 

You really should start considering things beyond what is going on in his home right now. First, its none of your business. Second, his child is in NO shape to be meeting some new woman messing with his dad. Third, you have no idea of what you are walking in to.

 

So I am not dogging you like you are attemptin to do to me. Think about you. Think about what this situation will mean for YOU, not for the relationship that already doesn't have the best odds. Think about what you are ready for and able to handle. Until you do, you are placing yourself at the biggest disadvantage.

[NoIDidn't]

So anyway you look at it, this man is going to be a selfish coward that only thinks about himself. He also is a horrible, unloving father because he isn't willing to tell that he had an A. Oh, and because he is 'letting' his son hate his mother by not telling that he had an A. He doesn't love me or his son and only loves himself because he isn't willing to tell about his A in addition to the fact that he had one. His son has the impression that the M was peachy keen and it is all the W fault that the M ended and this is because MM has never contradicted any of this. The W is a hero because she decided to tell their son she was f*cking someone else and he didn't.

 

Wow.

 

Did I miss anything?

 

I am having to assume that this was to everyone and not just to me upon re-reading. Was it a summation of what's been said in this thread?

[Reckless]

This is an interesting thread. It raises the classic question of character and that I do think, is relevant in the future relationship.

 

Someone said everyone should be happy - so why aint they laughing?

 

Thing is, a man that has an affair for over a year has, in my opinion, a serious character flaw - I don't buy the 'staying for the sake of the kids' one: because when the kids find out they are still devestated as this story illustrates, and two: there are other solutions (leading 'seperate lives' or simply biting the bullet: the fact is that there are many, many recontructed families and their children are happy and well adjusted) that do not include deceit and sleeping with two people at the same time.

 

 

The wife isn't happy. Her affair with a MM is doomed from the start, she's lost the respect of her son and at a certain age, especially with sons (dunno why) this is near impossible to win back and whatever the misery/mental emotional disfunctionment lead to it will surely come back on her times 100.

 

OW should be very very wary. Despite all the hand holding and candle lit dinners, tears over lobsters and promises of undying love you have a few undeniable facts:

 

The man is not coming clean because he want to loose his son's love and respect as well as the respect from their entourage. Understandable but cowardly.

 

The man was in a "sick" marriage and neither left nor did anything constructive to fix it. Understandable but not a good recommendation for future problems.

 

He is set to start a 'new' relationship fresh on the heels of a divorce (always, always bad news).

 

Whether he would have left? the point it moot (most married men don't no matter how dire their marriages are, maybe this one would have) the point is he didn't.

 

Relationships born out of lies and deceit are built on shakey ground. Tread carefully!

[Babybird]

I am having to assume that this was to everyone and not just to me upon re-reading. Was it a summation of what's been said in this thread?

 

That was a pretty vague summation of what's been said. It wasn't directed at you in specific.

[Babybird]

BB

 

You have done an excellent job of not addressing anything that *I* was talking about. Maybe someone else will let you change the subject, but I am not that someone.

 

I didn't intend on changing the subject. It gets frustrating reading nothing but negative comments after a while and I was clarifying all of the things that have been said and exactly how narrow-minded and judgmental the comments can sound. Even after reading the same story over and over for years people presume that ever story is the same and the people in A are all horrible people. I just don't agree with that. They're not all the same and I am hopeful that mine will be different.

 

Nowhere have I addressed him staying or leaving, so I don't know why you bring it up other than not so clever deflection. His mind is on his W and M and every conversation you have with him (and relate back here) only betrays that fact. He is in blame her mode. You are helping him (blame her, what about him and his part of this whole mess). How convenient.

 

I can see how it seems that all of our conversation revolve around his M and W but in actuality they rarely do. He doesn't blame her. At all. He has no animosity towards her except for her blowing off their son. I don't help him blame her. I pointed out things that he has done wrong and that he needs to remember that he had an A too. His attitude has changed.

 

 

Yes, he is a coward, that has also added cheating to his repertoire. Now he gets YOUR pity because he's all messed up because his W wants to leave him? How does THAT make any sense?!!! You want to defend him to defend your own honor. How about you let him defend himself? Wait, he's a coward. That's not likely to happen.

 

Nowhere, in any way, shape, or form did I imply that I felt sorry for him or offered him my pity because his W left him. Why on earth would I do that? He isn't messed up over it anyway. His biggest worry is his kid.

 

What is likely to happen is that he will lean on you through out his divorce so much so that you won't have time to think about what YOU want in all of this. Besides him, what else do you want? Have you considered that? Or is having him tantamount right now?

 

There is no way in hell that I would get so wrapped up in a man that I change who I am and forget about what I want in life. I have never been that way nor will I ever be that way. Through two M I have managed to accomplish exactly what I want, get what I want, and raise my kids to be great little people. This man won't change any of that or I'll boot his ass too.

 

You really should start considering things beyond what is going on in his home right now. First, its none of your business. Second, his child is in NO shape to be meeting some new woman messing with his dad. Third, you have no idea of what you are walking in to.

 

His home is at his mothers until the first of July. No it isn't any of my business and I don't usually ask. He offers. His child is now living with his mother and her new boyfriend. The context in which he knows me is as a friend of his his dad that his dad works with. No, I don't have any idea what I'm walking into. I never have when I start a R. It takes time to learn about people and thats what he and I are doing. We are starting over. Dating, the old fashioned way. Which we should've done to begin with. It's amazing how much it is to have a R out in the open.

 

So I am not dogging you like you are attemptin to do to me. Think about you. Think about what this situation will mean for YOU, not for the relationship that already doesn't have the best odds. Think about what you are ready for and able to handle. Until you do, you are placing yourself at the biggest disadvantage.

 

I know the R doesn't have good odds and I never thought you were dogging me...just trying to open my eyes to the reality of situations like this and how they usually turn out. The situation involves not only me but my 3 small children and I'm not willing to risk hurting them for any reason. I take every single one of his actions and apply it to my life and how it would be if we were together. Thank you for your advice. Even if I can be snotty back I listen to it, take it in, and watch to see when you turn out to be right or I can gloat because your wrong.

 

Sorry I can't figure out how to multiple quote!

[Babybird]

This is an interesting thread. It raises the classic question of character and that I do think, is relevant in the future relationship.

 

Someone said everyone should be happy - so why aint they laughing?

 

Thing is, a man that has an affair for over a year has, in my opinion, a serious character flaw - I don't buy the 'staying for the sake of the kids' one: because when the kids find out they are still devestated as this story illustrates, and two: there are other solutions (leading 'seperate lives' or simply biting the bullet: the fact is that there are many, many recontructed families and their children are happy and well adjusted) that do not include deceit and sleeping with two people at the same time.

 

 

The wife isn't happy. Her affair with a MM is doomed from the start, she's lost the respect of her son and at a certain age, especially with sons (dunno why) this is near impossible to win back and whatever the misery/mental emotional disfunctionment lead to it will surely come back on her times 100.

 

OW should be very very wary. Despite all the hand holding and candle lit dinners, tears over lobsters and promises of undying love you have a few undeniable facts:

 

The man is not coming clean because he want to loose his son's love and respect as well as the respect from their entourage. Understandable but cowardly.

 

The man was in a "sick" marriage and neither left nor did anything constructive to fix it. Understandable but not a good recommendation for future problems.

 

He is set to start a 'new' relationship fresh on the heels of a divorce (always, always bad news).

 

Whether he would have left? the point it moot (most married men don't no matter how dire their marriages are, maybe this one would have) the point is he didn't.

 

Relationships born out of lies and deceit are built on shakey ground. Tread carefully!

 

If there was a handbook for people having A's and the publisher wanted to put an advisory on the cover it should be this posting. Very well put and to the point with out the sting. Thank you.