Not meeting his family?

[Lost Student]

Here is the deal, I have been with my boyfriend (age 30) for about 8 months. Our relationship has been very serious – he has been practically living with me for the past 6 months, and he plans on moving in officially next month.

 

Overall, we have a lot in common. We always have a great time together, and he is always respectful and treats me well. I am very happy with him, but recently I have been concerned that he may be a commitment phobic.

 

Although I am not expecting to get engaged or anything at this point in time, I feel that there are certain signs of commitment that one should expect by a certain point in a relationship. For example, one major conflict in our relationship has concerned his unwillingness to introduce me to his friends or family, despite the fact that he has already spent a lot of time with my friends and family. I feel that after 8 months, and at the point where you are planning on living together, then it is appropriate to introduce the other person to your family. I have read that one the key characteristics of a commitment phobic is their ability to compartmentalize their lives, ex: keeping their significant other and their family in separate compartments or different parts of their life. And in this regard, I have gotten increasingly frustrated by his unwillingness to include me in his life and pessimistic about the future of our relationship.

My boyfriend’s family lives in another country, and I know that the distance and cost is a concern, but if I take it seriously enough to invest that in the travel, that is my choice. My boyfriend is currently visiting his family, and prior to his trip, I expressed my willingness to meet his family many times. If I bring up the subject of meeting his family, he promises to bring me along “next time,” but then in other conversations, he’ll mention not planning on visiting home for the next 2-3 years. If I question whether he is really serious about the relationship or not, he’ll tell me that it is still early in the relationship, and claim that he is slow in relationships and takes a long time to be sure. Yet I know in the past he was willing to bring an ex-girlfriend (also from the U.S.) home to meet his family after only a year, which is not much longer than current. In contrast to his unwillingness to specifically not introduce me to his family, I am left wondering if he is unable to commit to a serious relationship, especially to a more mature, adult one.

 

Am I over-reacting about the not inviting me along to introduce me to his parents? For me making an attempt to introduce your significant other to your family and other aspects of your life is a really critical and serious thing, and it is one of the few criteria that I am not willing to compromise on. I am starting to feel that 8-9 months is enough time to invest in a relationship, and if the other person does not seem serious, then it is time to move on. I know at this point moving in together is not an option, but as for what next I am confused. I think the biggest concern of mine is this gut feeling that he never intends to introduce me or really include me in his life ever, and that it will not happen, regardless of how many years we could possibly stay together.

 

Please tell me what you think – am I seriously over-reacting or do I have reason to be concerned?

[My Fair Katie]

Could be lots of reasons. Maybe he is embarrassed of his family. You say they're in another country, are there cultural differences that will cause the family to shun you? How did the introduction with the ex go? Was the family rude to her?

 

Sorry, I'm nosey.

 

I think you are *probably* overreacting.

[shockandawed]

Lost Student,

 

I think you are at a stage where it could be a red flad, although them living in another country does complicate things.

 

Looking back on my failed, 3 year relationship with my ex-fiance, those are the major red flags which I didn't see during the relationship.

 

My ex-fiances parents divorced several years ago and both live quite a distance from here. One in Florida, the other in W. Virginia. I did meet her Dad on a couple of occassions, though I never was allowed to meet her Mom. She was here on visits at least 3-4 times during our relationship. She always told me when the timing was right, I would, but that I would think her Mother was crazy and dump her. Complete nonsense.She also never introduced me to her lifelong best friend who lived in the same town as her. We did run into her shortly before we broke up and it was a hurried conversation. I introduced her to nearly all of my friends, some out of town ones and we did quite a bit with my family. Everytime I would bring it up, she would get defensive and tell me I was over reacting.

 

Looking back, those were huge red flags. If your relationship progresses any farther, I would expect to be introduced.

[dropdeadlegs]

Is his family in Asia? Middle Eastern, Far Eastern, and Indian families seem to have stricter preference that their children marry within their culture. Not that I know much about this, but that's my perception.

 

Could religion be a factor?

 

You said his ex is American, but did she match his cultural or religious background?

 

All guesses. Stabs in the dark. Since they live so far away I don't think that 8 months together means much. Not introducing you to his local friends is jumping out at me as weird, though.

[Trialbyfire]

unwillingness to introduce me to his friends.

I agree that the friends component is strange, if they are local. If so, I would be leary about moving in with someone like that. You might want to slow things down a bit and keep separate residences until you've had the opportunity to at least meet his friends, who can sometimes be a good indicator of who he really is.

 

A family at a substantial distance might have to wait for awhile.

[Lost Student]

About the ex - she was the same as me, white American, not from the same culture. And the boyfriend is East Asian by the way. I have asked before if his parents dislike foreigners, and was told they don't have a problem, and since it was not an issue in the past, I don't think that's the problem. As for whether the parents were rude to her - I am not sure, although I do know that they did not like her, so perhaps they were rude to some extent. Although from the stories I've heard (not having met the girl myself), it sounds like she was really poorly educated, childish, and irresponsible. Honestely, I am perplexed why he would have been dating anyone like this in the first place, and I have to admit I find it a little insulting that he could actually bring someone like that home so quickly, but won't consider bringing me to meet them.

 

And about the friends - they are from his country as well, so again same excuse. As for the local ones, we know them mutally because we have all met through the same means, at work.

 

Prior to meeting this guy, I had dated another foreigner in the past. He was South Asian and from a very conservative culture. In his culture arranged marriages were common, and dating itself was taboo. Marrying someone from the same culture but a different ethnic group or caste was considered wrong, so you can imagine how radical dating an American must have been. Yet my ex-boyfriend didn't hesitate to introduce me to his parents or family. So sometimes I think back and wonder what the problem could be now if it worked in a previous more extreme situation.

 

I think at 8 months with a family in another country, I wouldn't normally be this concerned. Honestly, if it was like "Well, I'm going to visit my family again next year, and I'd like to invite you along - let's make plans" etc. I think I'd be fine. But what concerns me is that he does seem to plan on visiting them again anytime in the near future ("maybe in 2010"). And I know for a fact that I am not willing to tolerate waiting 3-4 years to meet a significant others family, especially if it's been a serious relationship.

 

I think too, although I didn't mention it in the original post, that there are other signs that he's afraid of commitment - for example, he seems emotionally disconnected at times and preoccupied with forming ways to keep himself separate. For example, he is a bit of a workaholic, but somtimes I don't know if that's really because he has a lot of work to do, or more that he just wants an escape. Even the living together decision came after about 6 months of staying with me all the time, but maintaining his separate apartment, even though he only stopped by there once a week to pick up his mail and clothes for the week. I just feel like something is holding him back from really trying to build a relationship or from forming any kind of commitment.

 

I guess my biggest fear is that if I stay with him will I end up in a difficult situation in 4 years or so, where we've been living together, yet he shows no signs of making any serious commitment, and he still hasn't introduced me to his family or friends yet.

[Hitman10000]

I know an Asian guy in his late 20s who is with a White girl in her early 20s who is kinda doing the same thing you're doing except his family lives half an hour away.

 

All I know about him is that:

 

1. He's a loner, feels no need to make friends or talk with them.

2. He doesn't have much conversation with his immigrant parents, in fact he doesn't get along with one of them.

 

If his "family/friends" is that important to you, then address it. If he doesn't budge or give a reasonable explanation then you should consider chucking the relationship out of the window. If he considers this relationship to be important, he'd try to meet halfway (at the very least you could wave hello to his family/friends.)