It's officially over...

[ratingsguy]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a long time since I've posted an update, and much has happened in the last few weeks. Everything started really well, but then ended sadly.

 

Me and the separated MW saw each other for the first time after three months of NC last week. Things went incredibly well. She was hesitant to meet me at first, but all the emotions came back to her all at once. It was as if she fell in love with me a second time. We hugged and kissed... talked about the future together. This was not at all what I was expecting. I was prepared to hear her ask for more time... and I was prepared to give it. But instead we shared our feelings and it was very intense. We agreed to see each other once a week and take things slowly.

 

The second time we got together was Monday night. We went out to dinner and a movie. Something very simple. We both had a great time... held hands, the whole deal. I really thought that after three months of being apart, she was starting to see that she really did miss me in her life.

 

Then it all came crashing down. Yesterday morning I get an e-mail from her saying that she needed to let me go... and this time it had to be for good. I was shocked... but part of me saw this coming, and honestly I understood exactly where she was coming from. She said that she had thought things over and the same things that bothered her in January continue to bother her... the big ones - our difference in age (I'm 31, she's 46), difference in background (she's a multi-millionaire, I'm not... not that it should matter, but in the context of a relationship, I can understand how it would), and difference in life experience (she always said that she would feel bad that she couldn't give me kids... she wants to see me with someone my own age so I can go through a lot of the things most young couples go through).

 

I was a little disappointed that she couldn't say this to my face and chose to send an e-mail instead. But despite that, I e-mailed her back saying that I understood, I would always love her and hopefully down the road (maybe a few years out) we could be friends.

 

But I really felt the need to see her one last time to say goodbye... and also to have her face the reality of what she did. We texted back and forth, but she couldn't commit to meeting me. I said that I just needed to say my final goodbyes. After suggesting a few times she texted back something like "let it go no more goodbyes".

 

That really hurt. So, against my better judgement, I drove over to her place last night uninvited and got there at around 9:30. I really wasn't going to let her get away with not facing me one last time... and I really did want to hug her and kiss her goodbye. She wasn't home, but I stayed a while waiting for her to show up. But she didn't. I gave up around 1am.

 

The next morning I checked my e-mail. From the timestamp on an e-mail I sent her, it showed being read at 1:15am... so I missed her by 15 minutes! So I showered and drive over there again uninvited and got to her door at 8:30am. She answered, was polite and not angry (I've never seen her angry) and invited me in... as if she had never mentioned that "no more goodbyes" comment. I apologized for coming over uninvited, but told her that I needed to do this to move on. We sat down and talked. I asked her to put herself in my shoes and try and imagine how it would feel to not only be broken up the day after a wonderful night together, but via e-mail! And I also asked her why she couldn't even grant me a final goodbye. She didn't have much of an answer, but she did concede it was the easy way out. I let it go and didn't dwell on it. I talked about what she said in her e-mail and I did tell her that I understood and respected her decision. I told her I would miss her with all my heart and love her always. I did break down and it caused her to get a little emotional.

 

I asked her also what happened? How could her feelings change so suddenly? She explained again what she said in the e-mail... the differences that she couldn't get past. She told me that honestly, she didn't think she would ever get past them. I told her that I appreciated her honesty, even though I didn't appreciate how she conveyed it. I said that maybe in a few years we could be friends, but it's going to take a while. I also said that maybe in our next life we can be together, where the circumstances sourrounding us now would be non-existant. She said that she would hope that's the case because I was the one man who truly loved her more than anyone. It was nice to hear that though all the sadness.

 

In the end, I wished her luck with everything. We hugged and kissed a final time. I told her I loved her and always would. And that was it. She's out of my life... at least for a few years now when maybe we could be friends. I'm sadly resigned to the fact that we will never be in a R. I'm understandably depressed over this, but I think I can recover quickly. The three months apart helped prepare me for this. But it still hurts. I love her deeply... but the age difference and difference in status killed any potential for a R.

 

Maybe in our next lifetime. That's all I've got now. I'll miss what could have been.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that things didn't work out. That sucks.

 

Take care of yourself, spoil yourself and try to be with friends that care about you. (And ofcourse your family!)

[scaredinlove]

Sorry for your pain.You seem to be a very nice person,I am sure you will find someone who will really love you and be with you.

 

Good luck!

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm really sorry that it didn't turn out RG...

 

Now you can find the one who will love you without reservation...

 

(((HUGS)))

[annabelle75]

So you are 31, single, loving and a genuinely decent guy? Where do you live and would you like to meet for coffee some time?

 

Sorry, I had to throw that in there. You just seem like a really nice guy and I'm sad that you feel so bad now. I know you have had a few months to get use to the idea, but its still just as painful now that you know it is really over. I wish I had some more advice to give but all I can say is keep doing what you have been doing. Try to look at this as freedom to live your life instead of being on hold for her.

 

You're a good guy and you deserve a woman that would do anything to be with you.

[greengoddess]

I'm sorry it ended this way but she;s right. You will move on and meet a beautiful woman who you love and can't wait to have a family with.

 

 

Hey how about those phillies? Almost blew it tonight.

[JamesM]

RG, tonight I thought I would check on how you are doing, and here is an update.

 

I also feel sorrow for the pain you are going through. Words may not be of help, but hopefully the fact that you have friends here may be of some comfort.

 

For me it is easier to move on once I know for sure that it IS over. I wish that for you as well. Time does heal wounds, but in the meantime, the pain is real.

 

I wish for you the woman who can make you happy, and who appreciates you for who you are. Having said that, I know that this is not what you want now.

 

Hang in there...we are your friends.

[movinon05]

I'm sorry as well, RG. Hopefully you will come to realize that while a door has been closed, another one has been opened - for you. You're young and have a lot of life ahead of you. As you slowly come into acceptance and start to put this all behind you, try to visualize a future that WILL come some day, with someone else, who will love you that you can love in return. It may be hard to think that way now, but you will work your way there. Baby steps.

 

And hey, for all you know, that someone may be sitting in the row right in front of you at the Phillies game!

[Meaplus3]

Oh RG, I am so sorry it did not work out for you! You are such a wonderful heartfelt guy, she clearly does not know what she's giving up! I know there is not much anyone can say right now to ease your pain, but hang in there my friend it will get better. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[Jinxx]

She said that she had thought things over and the same things that bothered her in January continue to bother her... the big ones - our difference in age (I'm 31, she's 46), difference in background (she's a multi-millionaire, I'm not... not that it should matter, but in the context of a relationship, I can understand how it would), and difference in life experience (she always said that she would feel bad that she couldn't give me kids... she wants to see me with someone my own age so I can go through a lot of the things most young couples go through).

 

This says it all right there. I'm sure she cares volumes for you.

 

You deserve to be happy. I think she is looking out for your best interest no matter how much it hurts right now.

 

Good luck to you RG. I'm sure you'll meet another nice woman -- someone closer to your own age whom you can have a wonderful future with.

[oyster]

Hi there,

 

Sorry things did not work out. Think it was best for both of you.

 

I wish you find a woman to have a family with.

 

Should that not work out (family thing), the course of life will get you reunited with her.

 

Don't leave this forum as I am sure other new OM will love to hear from your story and guidance

[PoshPrincess]

Hey RG, SO sorry to hear how bad you are feeling.

 

What everyone is saying is right, you WILL meet someone one day who you can be truly happy with. Someone who is available to be with YOU. Until then, you have to take something good from this. You now know what love really is all about and you will know what you want from your next R, when you are ready for one.

 

I am STILL trying to get over MM and if you take one piece of advice on board make it this one - DO NOT get involved with anyone else until you are totally over your MW, no matter how tempting it may be. And I am speaking from experience. This is where I f*cked up big time. I think starting a new R (with a SG) has just prolonged the healing process and has taken me longer to come to terms with what happened.

 

Have fun and do what you enjoy doing. Just keep busy and surround yourself with friends and family, especially with people who don't know about MW so that you HAVE to talk about it something else, otherwise you just end up going over the same old ground time and again and it will eat you up inside, believe me.

 

Best of luck. Look after yourself and keep smiling

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

So sorry to hear that RG. To be honest, you've sounded stronger in the three months of NC than you ever did and things can only get better now.

 

Its still going to hurt, but I reckon you're strong enough to deal with what has happened and move on with this experience under your belt to a relationship where your love can flourish properly.

 

Stick around, I'm sure there's lots of OM who could do with your insight and your heartfelt words

 

Good luck x

[frannie]

Ratingsguy I'm sorry to read that things didn't work out in the end. But I'm glad that you finally got 'closure' on that and can move on to happier times.

 

Best wishes.

[SadandConfusedWA]

because I was the one man who truly loved her more than anyone.

 

See you want a woman who will tell you that you are the one man she truly loved more than anyone.

[ratingsguy]

Thank you so much everyone for all the support! You people are amazing and all the words of encouragement mean so much in this difficult time for me. I wish I could give you all one big hug. You guys truly mean that much to me.

 

I visited my therapist yesterday and talked some things out. I think the three months apart was probably the best thing I could have done... it gave the MW time to make a decision and explore single life, and more importantly it gave me the tools to be able to recover from an eventual split, which is exactly what happened. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did in January, but it still pains me deep inside. I have cried in the last few days, but not nearly as much as in January.

 

You guys might think I'm crazy, but in late August I'll probably contact her again. After even more time apart, a possible rejection won't hurt as badly as it does now, and certainly not as badly as it did in January. But I love this woman so much, so I have to keep fighting. The worst she can say is no. It doesn't hurt to ask.

 

That being said, I still plan to live my life as I did in the previous three months. I dated a lot, and that probably won't be any different going forward. And yes, I have kept my mind open to new Rs.

 

I'm a big believer in patience and persistence. When you combine the two, you can truly get anything you want in this world. I compare this experience in a way to a radio job I had. I had to move, so I quit. However, when I moved back to the area, I wanted the job back, but my boss already hired a replacement. So I called him once a month for 5 months asking if he would rehire me. On the 5th month, just a day prior to me calling, my replacement quit and my boss offered me my job back. Patience and persistence is what did the trick.

 

Of course in matters of the heart, things are much more complicated. I don't know what the future will hold. None of us do. But I do know that I won her heart... unfortunately her mind didn't concur. If I keep dripping on her who knows what could happen. I've done a good job moving on to this point (the last week notwithstanding), so anything unexpected down the road will be a very pleasant surprise.

 

Thanks again everyone. I will remain on the boards and check in every once in a while. You all mean so much to me that words couldn't even give it justice.

[GregsBad]

I can completely symapthize with this. I went through something similar for a long time.

 

Please let me make a suggestion - one of the things that helped me the most. Look into a set of DVDs by David DeAngelo. Spend the money - couple of hundred - listen to them over and over and over. Pay attention until you "get it". I did this, it works, trust me.

 

It caused a change in me. You need to learn this and go through the same change!

 

This is not an add!

I'll give mine to you if you can't afford your own.

[Hugh_950]

RG -

 

I sympathize too buddy! But I agree with Greg.

 

And I believe that most of the girls here who are sympathetic (which is sweet) would like to have a friend like you and they could enjoy long hours of chat with dinner and a nice wine. You're cool that way!

 

But few of them could get seriously romantic with a man who is doing what you're doing.

 

You know what I'm talking about. Being polite and respectful is fine but you're being a door-mat and even a quasi stalker.

 

You're single, over 21, a citizen, with a valid driver's licence! You're FREE! Snap out of it! I don't mean to be mean but lemmee come and give you a hug ... and then a butch slap.

 

Go chase girls! The dating is good.

 

But drop the needy weak part of you - it's doing much more harm than good. You want the dating to work don't you? Or do you want another dose of the same pain?

 

The needy weak part of you won't go a way over night - but make it go away!

Then the dating could do for you what it should do for you.

 

I love ya man!

[dignityback]

Ratingsguy, you have to stop humiliating yourself.

The writing was on the wall at the beginning of the year.

If she was interested in getting back with you she would have called you or at least hung around places where she might bump into you.

 

She does not love you-that is clear.

My cousin loved a man 28 years older than herself (he was older than her own dad) and they managed to have a good 25 years together until he died a happy man. So the age difference your xmw talks about is a sop. It is an excuse for her to get away from you while she tries not to hurt you. She finished with you by email and then you drive round for one last goodbye. How many goodbyes do you need?

 

DO NOT contact this woman in August or ever again. She will start to think you are stalker. You cannot be friends with her as you love her too much.

 

You do sound like a nice guy but you really have got to shape up and accept that she doesnot want you and you won't wear her down. Love is something you either feel or you don't; you cannot convince or pressure someone into loving you.

[Rubber_Chicken]

Ratingsguy, you have to stop humiliating yourself.

The writing was on the wall at the beginning of the year.

If she was interested in getting back with you she would have called you or at least hung around places where she might bump into you.

She does not love you-that is clear.

 

While what you wrote is 100% true and I believe that she no longer loves him I don't think he will stop.

He needs to print out his original post and show it to his therapist, His therapist is where this issue needs to be presented.

 

By the sounds of it she hasn't loved him for a very long time and since he can't take no for an answer then she has turned into letting him down nicely instead of cutting him off at the knees.

 

Ratings Guy, Please start telling the therapist your feelings today and about what you have written here, You are still thinking of contacting her in 3 more months.

[frannie]

Hm I'm not sure it matters so much whether they will eventually be together or in August it will all get messier or what. I think ratingsguy is right in a way to just do what feels right for him. Especially as he's dating others and keeping his options open.

 

I'm saying this because sometimes situations change... people realise what they lost... people's needs and expectations change... and I'm saying this for his sMW AND him. Either one of them could change in either way.

 

I'm not a big fan of NC... in the days before the internet it probably never existed. I live with one ex, and see others, and you know I never think oh this HAS to be over forever... because you never know.

 

Sometimes I think that going NC can actually do what the old saying says... make the heart grow fonder, not from the ex you're trying to avoid's point of view necessarily, but from your own. How often are exes seen as someone amazing with which it could have worked out but didn't blah blah... and you hold a torch for them and keep comparing new lovers to this paragon of perfection... well, being in contact with them can blow that romantic notion out of the water. HA!

 

Nothing like running into an ex who has suddenly become old and unattractive for making you realise how glad you are to have moved on...

 

So... ratingsguy, you do just exactly what you need to... because one day she may not look all that attractive to you at all

[ratingsguy]

Thanks everyone for your input. Like I said, the three months apart helped me detach from her emotionally. However, my feelings for her haven't changed. And a week after this happened, I am a little sad, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was back in January. As far as I'm concerned, that's pretty remarkable.

 

My therapist asked me to revisit these feelings in a couple weeks, but didn't caution me in any way. I like the idea of dripping on my sMW every once in a while. Knowing that I'm in a good state of mind, I don't see the harm in touching base once every few months. I don't think that's the behavior of a stalker. What stalker disappears for months at a time? It shows I'm still interested and haven't forgotten about her and there's nothing obsessive or obnoxious about it.

 

This way I'm being persistent yet patient. And I'm focusing on other things in life in the meantime. But I will dispute the fact that she doesn't love me. She does, but it's the circumstances that are keeping us apart. Her brain has won the war over her heart... for now.

 

So even though life does go on, that doesn't mean I have to give up forever.

[lessonlearnt]

Thanks everyone for your input. Like I said, the three months apart helped me detach from her emotionally. However, my feelings for her haven't changed. And a week after this happened, I am a little sad, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was back in January. As far as I'm concerned, that's pretty remarkable.

 

My therapist asked me to revisit these feelings in a couple weeks, but didn't caution me in any way. I like the idea of dripping on my sMW every once in a while. Knowing that I'm in a good state of mind, I don't see the harm in touching base once every few months. I don't think that's the behavior of a stalker. What stalker disappears for months at a time? It shows I'm still interested and haven't forgotten about her and there's nothing obsessive or obnoxious about it.

 

This way I'm being persistent yet patient. And I'm focusing on other things in life in the meantime. But I will dispute the fact that she doesn't love me. She does, but it's the circumstances that are keeping us apart. Her brain has won the war over her heart... for now.

 

So even though life does go on, that doesn't mean I have to give up forever.

 

 

Her feeling for you have changed even if your's haven't.

She does not want a relationship with you. How many more times do you need telling?

She finished with you by text or email, I forget which and then you rushed around for yet another "good-bye" which she didn't want.

 

She has said that she thinks you should find someone younger and to me that is a sop (easy way out) for telling you that she is not interested in you.

You are a stalker-not in the usual sense -but because you won't leave her alone. You are already talking about August. Do yourself a favour and move on.

Don't become yet another OP who can't get it into their heads that the married peson is not in love with them and is clearly demonstrating it.

You might drive her out of state if you keep popping up like a bad penny.

You need long term therapy. Best of luck.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I agree with people who said that you need help. After following your posts for a long time, it was clear to me ages ago that this is going to be the outcome. You were in love with her WAY WAY WAY more than she ever was with you.

 

She is still trying to be polite but has her more honest moments when she says things like "how many goodbyes do you need". However, if you keep poping up every few months or so, her politness will wear thin. You might even end up with restraining order.

 

She is giving you excuses with the age thing. If she truly loved you, it wouldn't have made one bit of difference. She is even divorcing her husband and she still doesn't want to be with you. How much more proof do you need?

 

The classic thought process of a stalker is beleiving that a person is in love with them despite all evidence to the contrary. Furthermore, poping up uninvited when it was made clear that your presence is no longer desirable is another example of stalking behaviour.

 

You are living in complete denial and are bordering on delusional. This may sound harsh but you do need to hear this. While presistance works in other areas of life, in matter of feelings it makes you look crazy and pathetic.

 

You need to know when to cut your losses. At least leave her alone and let her have nice memories of you instead of replacing them with thinking of you as someone she wished she has never met.