goodmom Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 First D-Day in October, second in March, third in May. Contact with OW through entire "reconciliation" process. WS now has an apartment and we are in the process of splitting up household items, mostly kitchen things. He is taking the spare bedroom furniture. I will not allow him to take anything the children use. I know my marriage is over. He has moved on, hoping to have a life with the OW. He has rewritten our marital history to justify his behavior the last nine months, with my permission, because I certainly gave him the space to do it. How does the healing process begin when there has never been one ounce of remorse or guilt for the cruelty of the whole situation? That is what I am having the hardest time with. (I have moved past thinking that the OW won. Wait until she gets a look at him wearing his sleep apnea machine and his surgical compression socks!)
polywog Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I'm sorry you're having to go through this . I think people don't realize the power of apology. You must be so angry, and he's not giving you what you certainly deserve, a heartfelt apology for hurting you and your kids. Maybe he is too proud, or trying too hard to feel justified, but it's lousy. I'm sure others here will have more to say, I've never been in your position, but I just wanted to chime in as your post struck a cord.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Unfortunately some people either don't know how to say "I'm sorry", or worse yet, they aren't sorry at all. Remember that healing is internally, not externally, motivated. You don't have to forgive to heal, and the flip side is you don't need an apology. Even a heartfelt sorry often doesn't come near alleviating the pain. I don't know of any offhand, but there are surely some great books at moving on and healing with or without an apology. There must be tips on websites that could be accessed quickly. Maybe some other LSers can make some suggestions in that area. I'm so sorry about your pain and the breakup of your family
dgiirl Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I dont think there's much your ex can say that will make you feel good. And most likely, anything he does say will only leave you with more questions. What is an apology anyways? An admittance that a person was wronged. What does an apology do? Give the wronged validation that the action was wrong. You dont NEED your ex to give yourself validation that you were wronged. The most powerful gift you can give yourself is learning to self validate. It's OK for you to feel the way you feel. It's OK for you to feel wronged and you dont NEED him to admit it. Give yourself the freedom to allow yourself to your own feelings. Next time you feel the anger come over you, say out loud to yourself, "I am right to feel the way I feel. What he did was wrong, plain and simple". You dont need to replay his justifications for why he did what he did in your head. It might take a while, but healing always comes within. You dont need an apology nor "closure" from HIM. It all comes from within.
ilmw Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I dont think there's much your ex can say that will make you feel good. And most likely, anything he does say will only leave you with more questions. What is an apology anyways? An admittance that a person was wronged. What does an apology do? Give the wronged validation that the action was wrong. You dont NEED your ex to give yourself validation that you were wronged. The most powerful gift you can give yourself is learning to self validate. It's OK for you to feel the way you feel. It's OK for you to feel wronged and you dont NEED him to admit it. Give yourself the freedom to allow yourself to your own feelings. Next time you feel the anger come over you, say out loud to yourself, "I am right to feel the way I feel. What he did was wrong, plain and simple". You dont need to replay his justifications for why he did what he did in your head. It might take a while, but healing always comes within. You dont need an apology nor "closure" from HIM. It all comes from within. Damn Dgiirl... that was a really great post... I know it was not for me.. but thank you anyway... and I will add... it never ceases to amaze me what one person who claimed to have loved another... and then does this crap.. They should be made to were big scarlet letter 'A's
azianpride143 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hi goodmom. I doubt if your ws will apologize or feel guilty for their actions. I know mine did not even try. But does it even matter at all. What's important is this person is no longer in your life. You don't even need to worry about him anymore. You just have to be civil because of the kids. My suggestion is do activities that you have always wanted to do and never got a chance to do because of your marriage. Take this opportunity to better yourself and get your life back on track. You only have control over your own life and no one else. What you do with your life from now on is up to you. Do you want to wallow in what could have been? Or how it was before. Those days are long gone. Think about how you want to turn your life around and everything else will fall into place. Good luck and stay strong.
norajane Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 What is an apology anyways? An admittance that a person was wronged. What does an apology do? Give the wronged validation that the action was wrong. You dont NEED your ex to give yourself validation that you were wronged. The most powerful gift you can give yourself is learning to self validate. It's OK for you to feel the way you feel. It's OK for you to feel wronged and you dont NEED him to admit it. Give yourself the freedom to allow yourself to your own feelings. I agree with this. I will add, though, that an apology is an admission, and it can show that the person recognizes they did something (in this case) despicable. Sometimes it's not enough for you to know they were hurtful; you also want them to realize they were hurtful, to feel guilt for it, and to express their regret at hurting you. It's also somewhat satisfying to see them squirm as they admit to their despicableness. However, I agree that you don't need the apology to move on. In fact, the lack of apology makes it even easier, as it adds to the list of his dishonorable qualities. You know what this man is about now, and that's enough for you not to want him tainting your life anymore. That knowledge can help you excise him from your heart, in time, and make your way to indifference.
Trialbyfire Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Yup dgiirl has it dead on. I got a couple of apologies, albeit lame and forced. They were worse than none. Even if they were heartfelt, I doubt it would have mattered. The damage is done. Absolutely validate your feelings. Anyone who says you're not allowed to experience those emotions is insane or speaks from a position of no knowledge. If you feel raging anger and heartrending pain at the betrayal, get it out and feel it. When your children aren't around, cry until you can't cry anymore, break something if it makes you feel better. Better to bleed the poison, rather than repress it and have it manifest later in life. I would highly recommend individual counselling or therapy ("IC"). It was excellent for providing tools to channel my anger.
LakesideDream Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Goodmom, your post forced me to search my memory, and emotions. I'm not sure a "sorry" early on "in the heat of battle" would have been heard or appreciated. I'm fairly sure my wayward ex said "sorry" a couple of times. In a perfect world, a "sorry" a year later, delivered after the dust settled... would have made a difference. I've kept track of your posts, and really feel for your situation. You got a raw deal. Almost everyone here says that "it gets better with time".. You've never read that from me. I lived through it, never got over it. I'll never forgive the betrayal, and theft of my youth. I could never go back. My "revenge" is that it isn't worth much thought anymore. I have a very different life now. It's enough. Good luck to you, you are still young, I hope you find a new world of happiness.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 These folks are right, Goodmom. What value is an apology from a turd? Is it any less of a turd if it apologizes for it's existence????
Author goodmom Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 I am in IC and my therapist has been discussing narcissistic personality disorder with regard to WS. I have been reading up on it and it sounds like my life for the past 22 years. If it is true, an apology is not his nature. The pain is so deep and the cruelty so hard to understand. Thanks, all.
raincloud Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Yup dgiirl has it dead on. I got a couple of apologies, albeit lame and forced. They were worse than none. Even if they were heartfelt, I doubt it would have mattered. The damage is done. Absolutely validate your feelings. Anyone who says you're not allowed to experience those emotions is insane or speaks from a position of no knowledge. If you feel raging anger and heartrending pain at the betrayal, get it out and feel it. When your children aren't around, cry until you can't cry anymore, break something if it makes you feel better. Better to bleed the poison, rather than repress it and have it manifest later in life. I would highly recommend individual counselling or therapy ("IC"). It was excellent for providing tools to channel my anger. Goodmom, I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. I have read your posts, guided toward them because I am in a similar predicament. My husband apologized just yesterday and confessed his guilt over our situation, but it just made me feel more confused and hurt - if it was true then why would he be doing this? I agree that you are justified in feeling the way you do. My husband at times has tried using my weaknesses as a wife to validate his straying. I am learning to be strong and realize that this is his screw up, not mine. When my child is at school and the husband at work sometimes I do just what Trial suggests, cry out loud, get it out, release the pressure until it builds up and you end up hurting yourself even more.
quiet1one1 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 In my situation an apology wouldn't mean a damn thing to me. Now the truth...coming from her mouth...would mean a lot to me. I really feel I need to know everything in order to grieve properly. I don't want to stumble onto it later and have to start all over again.
Author goodmom Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I went on a retreat this past weekend. The topic was "The Care and Feeding of Your Soul." One of the exercises was to find a stone and on that stone write one thing you wanted to remove from your life. I wrote OW's name. I threw that stone as far as I could into the river behind my parents' house. Everytime I start to think of OW, I tell myself I threw her away. When I think of the wasted hours spent obsessing over the OW, I almost get ill. Yes, she invaded my relationship and took WS, but she could not have gotten in unless there was an open door--and he was a willing participant. I was having a hard time dealing with "she won", until I started thinking about WS as a booby prize. The lies, deceit and cruelty of the last nine months are the foundation of their relationship. I sat at the dinner table last night, laughing and talking with my children, and I had one of the first peaceful moments I have had in a long time. Maybe I need to ask for forgiveness from myself, too, for what I have done to them.
Sheba Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I feel I need an apology (or many!) from my husband in order to heal within the relationship. I do see it as an admission and I think he also sees it this way, which compounds the importance. If he apologizes/admits he has been wrong about certain things I will feel more confident those things will not happen again. In your case, goodmom, given my perspective, I do not understand your need or wish for an apology. Your husband's behaviour is objectively wrong and hurtful, but he is gone. Think of it this way: if he believes that he has done no wrong, who will suffer from his twisted point of view? The OW, of course. She will now get the "benefit" of his belief that lies and betrayal and sneaking is justifiable. Lucky her. You have the good part of the marriage - the children. I do not know why you feel you need their forgiveness, but I am a great believer in being transparent with your children, if they are old enough to understand. If you owe them an apology, give them one. Good luck!
azianpride143 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I agree with Sheba. There is no need to apologize. Just be the best mom you could be for your kids. The realization and acceptance that it could never work out between you and your STBXH will help with moving on. There will be times when you can't help but re-visit the past. This happens to me once in a while. But I don't dwell on it as much as I used to before. I take a deep breath and then think of something else positive. In time, all wounds will heal. It will get better everyday.
Author goodmom Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Hence the term "booby prize"--. The last time I brought up the affair, the OW and all that goes along with it, my WS actually told me to grow up and join the real world--that affairs and other women happen all of the time. So, in his world it is acceptable and justified. My children (who are teenagers) and I will work this through. They are good kids who also didn't deserve the "booby prize."
azianpride143 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I heard that same line before from my STBXW. She basically told me since it's out in the open you should just live with it. I refused to be a "doormat". Helped her get her own place, helped her pack, helped her out the door. Life could not be better without her. I don't even have any regrets. When they make their selfish choice. All I have to say is, just make sure that door doesn't hit you on the way out. Do what you can legally to protect yourself and the kids. Get some counselling. All I have to say is your better off without this loser. You and your kids deserve better. Let us know how your doing.
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