axisdenied Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I'd like to solicit a few opinions on this phenomenon. For those who are not familiar with the concept, it is based on the joke "What do lesbians bring on a second date?" -A moving van. I don't necessarily mean this in a strictly 'lesbian' context. I'm talking about a more generalized version of the idea: Two people meet and within a matter of weeks become attached at the hip, so attached that it impairs their functioning in the lives they led before they met one another. On whatever level(s) it may be, is this really love? I could easily see how people in their teens may exhibit behaviors consistent with this idea, especially if both individuals have never experienced being in love previously. What about grown adults? does it make sense for, say, a pair of 30-year-olds to do this? Do experienced people who have already established a home/career/sense of identity really want to immediately abandon these things for the sake of a relationship that offers instant gratification? I mean, I'm sure that they do because I've witnessed it. How common is this? and what actually comes of this type of situation? In my view, nothing good comes of it in the long term.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Seems they are looking for quick fix and that no good will come of it. People who react rashly and according to their emotions tend to just bounce around from one bit of drama to the next and are always wondering why these things always happen to them. I had a friend ask that (in all seriousness) the other day. Well,,,, because where ever you go there you are.... she seemed to consider it for a minute but I don't think it ever hit her that I meant to say that she was choosing that behavior and life for herself.
Trimmer Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I mean, I'm sure that they do because I've witnessed it. How common is this? and what actually comes of this type of situation? I have no experience with this, and I can't comment on the general "phenomenon" as I think theoretical generalizations are less useful than considering people and relationships on a case-by-case basis. I'm interested in what you have witnessed yourself. What kinds of relationships and people have you seen that have done this, over what kinds of time periods have you been around them, and what have the results been so far? Does your opinion that nothing good comes of it come from observations of crash-and-burn scenarios, or from your own feeling that you would not be well suited to such a setup?
Touche Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't really get the question. My H and I were insperable after the first date. Our whole lives didn't come to a screeching halt though...we just included each other in our respective lives from the first date on. Is this what you mean?
Author axisdenied Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I don't really get the question. My H and I were insperable after the first date. Our whole lives didn't come to a screeching halt though...we just included each other in our respective lives from the first date on. Is this what you mean? The question applies to situations where two people meet and have an instant amazing chemistry, but choose to make major life decisions based on the relationship within the first few weeks (changing jobs, moving long distances to be with the other person, not spending any of their free time with anybody but the other person). If you healthily incorporate another person into your life over time because you like that person very much, that strikes me as a good foundation for a workable long-term arrangement. But skipping all of the preliminary 'field testing' with personal interaction to dive into an arrangement where the other person is immediately the center of your whole life strikes me as very unhealthy. Your thoughts? I'm trying to avoid terms like 'codependent' and other rash judgements to find more acceptable reasons that people do this because I'm trying to understand.
Touche Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 The question applies to situations where two people meet and have an instant amazing chemistry, but choose to make major life decisions based on the relationship within the first few weeks (changing jobs, moving long distances to be with the other person, not spending any of their free time with anybody but the other person). If you healthily incorporate another person into your life over time because you like that person very much, that strikes me as a good foundation for a workable long-term arrangement. But skipping all of the preliminary 'field testing' with personal interaction to dive into an arrangement where the other person is immediately the center of your whole life strikes me as very unhealthy. Your thoughts? I'm trying to avoid terms like 'codependent' and other rash judgements to find more acceptable reasons that people do this because I'm trying to understand. Well, how's this? I'll let you be the judge. Four weeks after we met, he proposed. Three months after we met, I moved in with him. Eight months after we met, we got married. And 18 months after we met, we had a child together. We're happily celebrating our 12-year anniversary next month. Any questions? Do I recommend moving this fast to anyone? Absolutely not. We were both in our 30's. Both married before. Both wanted to marry again and have a child. And neither one of us ever wanted to be divorced again. So we spend a LOT of time discussing things like the lifestyle we want together, our goals, child-rearing philosophies, religion, financial goals, etc. etc. We also paid VERY close attention to our conflict resolution skills (or lack thereof.) We became best friends very fast. Our sense of humor is similar and we have very similar philosophies on so many things. So you tell me what you think? Are we co-dependant? Or are we just compatible?
Author axisdenied Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 I have no experience with this, and I can't comment on the general "phenomenon" as I think theoretical generalizations are less useful than considering people and relationships on a case-by-case basis. I'm interested in what you have witnessed yourself. What kinds of relationships and people have you seen that have done this, over what kinds of time periods have you been around them, and what have the results been so far? Does your opinion that nothing good comes of it come from observations of crash-and-burn scenarios, or from your own feeling that you would not be well suited to such a setup? Trimmer, these are all good questions. Definitely some food for thought. To answer your last question: I have been personally involved in such a set-up. At the time, I had barely graduated from high-school and was standing at the edge of transformation into 'adulthood' already, but my decisions revolved around establishing a long-term arrangement based on my emotional whims at the time. The relationship *did* crash and burn, within just a matter of months, after moving a long distance to be with that person. We never took the time to be fully cognizant of all the reasons we would be incompatible in the long term, so we found out the hard way. I'd say that from the beginning of the long-distance fiasco to the end of the live-in arrangement the interval spanned perhaps 7 months. As for what I have witnessed outside of my personal experience: I have one friend who has, for the past few years, made a habit out of meeting a new person and dropping off the face of the planet where I or any of the rest of her friends are concerned. As soon as the relationship shows signs of failure to her, she reappears for a bit, until meeting the next person. Then, the pattern repeats itself. In some situations, it has resulted in her moving in with the other person for a few months before the relationship goes sour. She's a serial monogamist who can't sustain a relationship in the long term because they all dissipate in a cloud of overstimulation. I have another friend who is in the process of abandoning her entire life for the sake of a person she met just recently. Forgive me for my vagueness, but she is now changing careers, changing residence, changing the way she relates the other people, a lot of transformation spiked over just a few weeks. What I find so fascinating about it is that this is completely inconsistent with her previous conduct. So, seeing as though I've participated in and witnessed some of this, it can't be too horribly uncommon. I am personally hard-pressed to change anything in my life so drastically for any reason. The heart of my question is: is this healthy?
Author axisdenied Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Well, how's this? I'll let you be the judge. Four weeks after we met, he proposed. Three months after we met, I moved in with him. Eight months after we met, we got married. And 18 months after we met, we had a child together. We're happily celebrating our 12-year anniversary next month. Any questions? Do I recommend moving this fast to anyone? Absolutely not. We were both in our 30's. Both married before. Both wanted to marry again and have a child. And neither one of us ever wanted to be divorced again. So we spend a LOT of time discussing things like the lifestyle we want together, our goals, child-rearing philosophies, religion, financial goals, etc. etc. We also paid VERY close attention to our conflict resolution skills (or lack thereof.) We became best friends very fast. Our sense of humor is similar and we have very similar philosophies on so many things. So you tell me what you think? Are we co-dependant? Or are we just compatible? Ooh, Touche. This is fascinating. I couldn't tell you if you are co-dependent because that would require me knowing you better. Congratulations on making it to the 12th anniversay! So here's what I get from what you've told me and my questions for you on the situation: The connection was amazing, it was immediately obvious to the both of you that you were highly compatible and based on this the relationship progressed quickly. During this time, did either of you rearrange anything else in your lives for the sake of the relationship itself? did you both live in the same town? did either of you change careers or the way you lived your lives outside of one another to be together? Thanks for your response! you are exactly the person I wanted to hear from.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I never moved far away or changed jobs, but I did move way too fast at least twice. The first time I practically moved into his home within weeks while still keeping my own place. the I found out he was involved in a LDR with someone out of state. Glad I didn't give up my home or anything! The second time I dated him a few times, then he suddenly starts dating someone else. When she dumped him a few weeks later (he was the separation rebound) I took him back, almost immediately moved him in with me, and even married him 9 months later. The marriage was a big mess almost from the beginning. Although it lasted for 7 years due to my sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to be a two time loser, it ended absolutely disastrously and with immense pain for three children. I still tend to have amazing chemistry when I find it, but I move a LOT slower now and haven't lived with a man in nearly 4.5 years. I've been with the same man for nearly three years. Moving so fast hasn't worked well for me, but there are a few fairy tale endings to fast courtships.
Touche Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Ooh, Touche. This is fascinating. I couldn't tell you if you are co-dependent because that would require me knowing you better. Congratulations on making it to the 12th anniversay! So here's what I get from what you've told me and my questions for you on the situation: The connection was amazing, it was immediately obvious to the both of you that you were highly compatible and based on this the relationship progressed quickly. During this time, did either of you rearrange anything else in your lives for the sake of the relationship itself? did you both live in the same town? did either of you change careers or the way you lived your lives outside of one another to be together? Thanks for your response! you are exactly the person I wanted to hear from. Oh wow, thanks. I'm usually the LAST person people want to hear from! No, neither one of us changed anything. We were living within two miles of each other. No change in careers or anything else. The only thing is that we moved in together three months after we met. But everything else outside of our relationship stayed the same. And thanks for the congratulations!
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