broknhearted Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Hi all, this is the first time i've posted. been reading the posts from everyone for the past couple weeks. You have all really helped me and given me some insight. ok, so here's my story... I am married with 3 kids. I met this man last year when my husband and i were going through some really rough times. I honestly was miserable and i thought we were going to get divorced. at that time, my husband was very controlling and verbally abusive, so i was very unhappy. I visited a couple chat rooms one evening and this guy IM'd me. we chatted all the time after that, i guess it was sort of revenge on my hubby at the time. i've never cheated before, ever. we exchanged photos and i had no intentions of meeting him but before i knew it he was pushing to meet me telling me he loved me, calling me, i felt a deep emotional connection. Things were spiralling down hill with my marriage so i thought, well... if anything comes out of it we'll see. I agreed to meet him, he flew here to meet me. i know i should have told him to slow down, i mean why rush things, he's married too. we spent two days together, it was great. exciting... like it used to be with my hubby. He went back home, called me every day and texted me as well. that was a year ago, he still calls me just about every day and we see each other every couple months for a couple days. at first, i felt no guilt whatsoever because of how my husband was treating me. now, i knew from the beginning that OM wouldn't leave his wife, guess deep down though i was hoping, i mean, he has no kids. at the time the kids were the only reason i was staying with my husband. he had killed all the love i had for him, i started to hate him. well, my husband picked up on my being distant, i guess it shocked him because he never thought i would think about divorce, we have been together for 16 years, married for 13. over the past 6 months, hubby and i have had several heart to heart talks, said he's sorry for the way he's treated me and he wants to make it up to me and he wants to change. he said he knows i didn't love him anymore but if he could win some of that back his life would be complete. since our talks he has done that, he's been wonderful, attentive, and loving. don't get me wrong, we still fight, not as bad as we used to, he doesn't say the harsh things to me anymore and he always says he's sorry and he loves me after, he never used to do that. anyway... i have been doing a lot of soul searching... the guilt is overwhelming at times. i want my marriage to work, i want to be happy. i could kick myself in the a** for doing what i did. hubby has no idea i had an affair. ok, so here's my dilemma, OM wants to meet up with me again in about 3 weeks, last time i seen him was February. let me tell u a little about him... he's been married for 20 years, a travelling business man, always flying here or there so its easy for him to carry on affairs. he told me he's never done anything like this before. i kinda believed him because he was so nervous on our first meeting, hehe, his heart was racing. he's kind and gentle, everything i wanted my hubby to be and wasn't at the time. he never says anything bad about his wife. i asked him once what was missing in his marriage that sparked the interest in me and his cheating. he said his marriage lacked spontaneity. ok, so i thought, he loves her, and i'm his being spontaneous. (when i was contemplating divorcing my hubby i asked OM where he thought our relationship was going to lead to and he said, we will be "good friends". hmmm, i got to thinking... ok, no serious intentions with me, i'm just a booty call, he will never leave his wife, he has too much time invested. sorry this is so long you guys.... i'll make it quicker, lol... i think he does love me and i want to let him down easy. i want to make my marriage work, i want to end the affair. i do want to remain friends only with OM because i do care about him, like i do a friend now. any ideas on how to best break it off with him? He's pushing me all the time about hooking up or going out of town together for a couple days. don't judge me too harshly, i just need some advice, i know i have to do whats right for my family and i plan on doing that. I have slowed down with the contact, i seldom text or call him anymore, even though he does call me, sometimes i just don't answer the phone, i'm just trying to ease out of the relationship. It's been such an emotional roller coaster, i just want it to end. Thanks for all your advice and good luck to all that are in similar situations.
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 You can't be friends with the OM, it won't work. Focus on your marriage, your husband, and your family. Don't beat around the bush about it, just tell the OM that the affair has to end and it's pointless continuing seeing as neither of you are leaving your spouses. It doesn't have to end badly.
quankanne Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 i want to make my marriage work, i want to end the affair. i do want to remain friends only with OM because i do care about him, like i do a friend now. any ideas on how to best break it off with him? "I like you, but this relationship cannot progress any further because I am committed to making my marriage work." Then initiate no contact, because frankly, no matter how well you think you can transition this into a working friendship, you still have the intimacy of the affair hanging over the relationship, and that's not what you need when you're trying to rebuild your marriage. you can only choose one, when it comes down to it, otherwise you're going to create a lot of hurt by trying to maintain both relationships.
NearlyThere Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 You know, there is nothing worse, when your the OP in the A, whether you are the OM or OW, than being the one waiting for your phone to ring or buzz from a text and nothing happens. I bet he is puzzled as to what is going on and your just fobbing him off but in some ways still leading him on. I think trying to ease out of it, is the sort of behaviour, JIMO, that turns the OP from being just an OP into a Bunny Boiler/Stalker/Psycho type of OP. Dont let him travel there in 3 weeks and then do it. Just do it as soon as you can, pick up the phone, speak to him in person, tell him your sorry, tell him you are ending the A and want to work on your M. Stand firm and dont waiver, sound like you mean it.
Recommended Posts