Author randuff Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 I like to be with people who want to be with me. So screw her and move on. It will make you miserable to be friends with her. Do you want to be miserable or do you want to grow and get stronger without her, and at that point have a new, hot, available sexy thing walk into your life? These are the things I think I need to hear. When I read it it hits home and makes me think. I don't need to punish myself for being a great boyfriend/fiance/confidant. I did great things for her and treated her with love, compassion and understanding, UNCONDITIONALLY. I did the best I could and it isn't my fault this didn't work out. There is a woman out there looking for a man like me, we just need to bump into one another.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 That feeling you have that you are going mental is being PROJECTED onto you by her. It is a pefectly normal thing to happen to victims of people like this. You are living her nightmare. She is using you. Why are you tolerating her madness? I'll repeat it in case you missed it. It is called CODEPENDANCE. Look it up, dont ignore it. Understand it and start looking at the real problem in your life which in case you haven't figured out, is you!!! One last thing - if you want to stop feeling like you do ie weak and pathetic then CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!! NO CONTACT. JUST DO IT!! You have asked for advice and you have received excellent responses from people who have had first hand experience so listen up and try what they suggest...
Author randuff Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Last night she called me and I picked up not realizing it was her. We talked for about 10 minutes like nothing was different, just 2 friends chatting, then I said it..... I told her I couldn't do it anymore. She immediately said ok, I'll let you go. I told her that when she ended our relationship she ended our friendship. That I was unable to be her friend and still have the feelings I have for her. She said she completely understood and reminded me that the night before she said that she didn't want to hurt me anymore and that if this is what I need then she is ok with it. I proceeded to tell her that this wasn't easy for me but it is the only way I could move on and told her that it was hard because it might be the last time I ever speak to her. She said no it won't be one day we will become friends again and everything will be fine.... I said Good-bye ***** I love you, and she replied with I love you too and that was 10:15pm last night. I have mixed feelings this morning. Relief, sadness, anxiety... Good thing my counselor visit is today. Thanks again for the input, it does help and this probably would have taken me longer had I not come here and read it all.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Good man. What you have done requires great strength but I think you know you have no other option if you are to heal from this. Yes it is sad and yes it will be extremely difficult but unfortunatley there is no other way - I promise you 100%. Over the coming minutes, hours and days you are going to ache so much and your mind will be in turmoil but like any addict, cleansing the system inevitably brings pain. Do not give in. We all know she is moving on and any communication will be like jumping back into the dark pit from which you are trying to extricate yourself. Dont look back, looks forwards and get yourself that partner that can provide you with all the aspects of love this other lady was unable to do. Stay strong.
KaneNAbel Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 IT gave some really good advice. I got out a short lived relationship and it hurt like heck. I'm almost 2 months NC and trust me, there were times I almost broke down. Even if not to get her back, but to tell her off and let her know what really was on my mind that last night. It's not worth it. And I've never been a drug addict before,but I can see what people are saying with the feeling of withdrawal. One of my best friends put it best when he said 'It's a two step forward, one step back process' Also, he was with his first love for over 2 years. It's been about a year and a half after that break and we talked about it. He even says at this point, looking back, she wasn't even that great of a person and doesn't feel like he wants to know her. And it's not out of resentment either.
oppath Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 Hahahaha...my ex gave me so much false hope when she dumped me, and I did the right thing. I politely requested no contact, explaining to her why, so I could move on and because we have mutual friends, perhaps maybe, several months down the line, friendship could be possible. I was devastated but doing ok those first two weeks. She invited me to a mutual friends party, and I again asserted via email that it was too soon to be friends, and that I didn't want to be around her until I had no feelings for her, and even then, it might be difficult. Her response was "I understand. Want to be friends with benefits?" TAILSPIN! I made the mistake of reacting at all because bitch needed to be told she was selfish, but it didn't matter. All it did was make things worse. In hindsight, I wish I would have just ignored her alltogether, deleting the email instead of reading them. In the future, I'm going to have a 2 month ex email haitus, meaning I won't read one from them at all. If they want to contact me, they can call me. Also, if it was a non-mutual breakup, I'll cut out alcohol for 2 months. I didn't escape into alcohol but I did drink more (with friends) and it didn't help. Relevancy to you...BE STRONG. In fact, if she keeps throwing tidbits, just ignore them. If you don't, all that will happen is you end up feeling disrespectful, and eventually some nasty words will be exchanged. Hopefully she'll care about you enough to respect your wishes. You've been polite, respectful, and assertive, but I'd honestly suggest IGNORING HER for at least two months if she does contact you. She set fire to the bridge when she dumped you. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES APPROACH THE BRIDGE. Don't put yourself in a position to get burned or to add fuel to the fire. If the fire dies down and several months down the road the bridge is still standing, walk across if you want. But if you approach it's edge and it looks like it has fallen and you are ok with that, you'll be fine. For right now, let it burn. And if it somehow burns more bright by her actions, turn your back and walk away. Don't stoke the flame at all. IGNORE HER COMPLETELY at the moment unless it's extremely casual contact, as in friends of friends. No two hour conversations. No emails. No texts. No calls. If she leaves a voice mail, listen to it. If something is important, yes, respond, but otherwise give yourself 2-3 months MINIMAL no contact. Just do it.
Author randuff Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 Thanks oppath. I went to the counselor today and obviously he agrees with everything said here. Her birthday is coming up in July and I have decided I cannot send her any gifts, texts or calls. I must work on myself now and get myself better and move on. It will be difficult to do but I know that it can be done. I love her and if she truly loves me then she will respect the need I have for time away with no contact. If she doesn't care for me enough then well, that's self explanitory. Thanks for all your input guys/gals, I will be posting in the future to get my feelings out in the open as opposed to calling her to get them off my chest so I hope you guys won't mind lending a listening ear. Randuff
Author randuff Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 Ever since I told her that on the phone the other night I have constantly been thinking of her. I can't et her out of my mind and it is driving me nutso!!!!! And I am taking my kid to his mom's this week so I will basically be by myself for 5 days, ugh I dread it.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Dont obsess over it. Keep reading things to help you understand what has happened to you. Did you look up "codependance"?
Author randuff Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 :/ I did..... Any books out there I should pick up to read? I need something to help me understand why I feel the way I do. I mean I know what my mind says I should be doing but my heart decides to do something else. Grrrr.. Frustrating but it gets better as the day progresses then I have a bi*ch of a time sleeping because she pops in my mind. I want to call but I refuse to do it. I just worry about her being able to pay her bills since I help support her for 4 years but one of her reasons was to see if she could make it on her own so I have to let her.... Oh well, I really shouldn't worry about it so much...She was the one who decided to leave me after what happened. I did nothing wrong. I shouldn't feel guilty.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Try "Tears & Healing". Ive just ordered it, mainly out of interest but also because I want to know why my thoughts occasionally default back to what might have been. I think the main thing you need to keep in focus is that you have been abused emotionally. Abusers are mentally ill, remember that point to. I read this following paragraph recently which again keeps me focussed. If you dont feel this fits you then look up "Commitment Phobia". But most of all keep asking yourself why you tolerated the abuse. The answer you are looking for lies there. "No one expects the mentally retarded to one day not be mentally retarded. But people consistently think one day a permanently personality disordered pathological will one day not be that. They can no more undo their disorder than a mentally retarded person can. They are the same types of pervasive disorders that are permanent structures internally. One is the cognitive function (mentally retarded) and one in the personality function (pathological)"
Recommended Posts