he barely finished high school

[bluetuesday]

just throwing this out there.

 

i've met a guy who's unlike any guy i've ever known before. actually unlike any person i've ever known before. he is, by a mile, the sweetest person i've ever met. he's on the same spiritual path as me, he's funny, he likes to muck about like a kid and climb trees (so do i), he is PERFECT to look at - i mean, he'll walk down any street in the world and (i witnessed this happening all the time) people will look at him and smile, wink or just light up inside. i saw a women who must have been 70 years old wink at him, it was pretty funny. it's because he's so tall - 6ft 4 - with the face of an absolute angel, women can't seem to help themselves.

 

yet, he doesn't see or appreciate the attention. he's working on his insides (which i find similarly gorgeous) and, as he says, his looks have been a problem because that's ALL people tend to see. he takes the view they're just an accident he had no control over and he values other people not on their looks, but on what's inside. i would normally think this was a pick-up line, but considering the circumstances of our meeting (at a spiritual retreat) and spending time with him, i don't think this is the case.

 

anyway, i knew pretty instantly on meeting him that this was someone i had a very deep connection with, had amazing chemistry with and wanted to be around all the time. he's a yank, and i don't want a LDR, but i'd move to new jersey in a heartbeat if it came to that, just to hear him say 'cawfee' or 'dawg' anytime i wanted to.

 

we can talk in depth about the spiritual path, which is one of my favourite things to do. BUT he's not educated in other areas. he barely finished high school, he's working but in a kind of basic job, he's not well read at all, he asks me to explain what some words i use mean... etc. he is childlike in many ways.

 

i find this such a refreshing change from the hardened, cynical, wordly people i usually meet that it doesn't seem to matter, but there is quite an IQ gap between us, and i wonder if it will matter unlimately.

 

my mum married a man of much lesser intelligence. don't get me wrong, my dad is a wonderful man and father, but he isn't clever. now the guy i like isn't clever, but he IS as caring and nurturing and supportive and amazing as my dad. only in a much hotter body.

 

anyone out there think dating someone with lower intelligence would be a major problem considering that everything else about him is sensational? after all, i can speak to my clever friends if i want to discuss einstein or shakespeare. but none of them can give me what this lovely guy can.

[Diamonds&Rust]

i went to one of the most brilliant, intellectual colleges in the country. every single student had a ridiculously high I.Q. and a wide array of general and specific knowledge also.

 

for the most part, those people suck, as people.

it's very easy to lose your soul in pursuit of education.

 

does he express an interest in learning?

it's amazing what just reading a newspaper can do for a person's intelligence.

[Art_Critic]

i've met a guy who's unlike any guy i've ever known before. actually unlike any person i've ever known before. he is, by a mile, the sweetest person i've ever met. he's on the same spiritual path as me, he's funny, he likes to muck about like a kid and climb trees (so do i), he is PERFECT to look at - i mean, he'll walk down any street in the world and (i witnessed this happening all the time) people will look at him and smile, wink or just light up inside. i saw a women who must have been 70 years old wink at him, it was pretty funny.

 

I think this is what you should pay attention to..

As long as you don't make him feel like his lower IQ is a problem then roll with it..

 

I also think you are closer in intelligence than you think..

Test scores are not really a worthy relationship compatibility gauge

[Pink Amulet]

Art Critic is right, IQ scores generally don't mean to much in a social context.

 

I think if you two have fun together and find each other endearing, it shouldn't matter who is deemed more or less intelligent.

 

On a quick note, why is it that the first two posts from intelligent and well educated people contain no capital letters at all yet include many sentences?

 

I am just stirring

[Lizzie60]

that the guy didn't finish high school... that wouldn't bother me...

that the guy is not as intelligent... that WOULD bother me.

 

I want my men to be at least as smart as I am... a guy that is not clever is a huge turn-off.

 

My 2 exes didn't finish High school...but they were intelligent... My daughter's bio father had a PhD but he was a jerk, clever but a total jerk...

 

not being clever has nothing to do with social skills or being nice, it has everything to do with the chemistry... and for me, chemistry is about intelligence among other things.

[NearlyThere]

Well I had the same dilemma, the ltr that I have just come out of, the guy had a lesser IQ than me. To start with I was not too bothered and didnt think it would matter.

 

However, I found as time went on, it did. I had to always help him do all his finances, I had to fill in any forms he had. I had to take phone calls for him if they involved anything complicated. In the end it wore me down and I felt more like his mother, running round after him all the time. Conversations were not always the most stimulating.

 

He is a very nice guy however, people seem to take to him very easily, he was fun to be with a lot of the time.

 

Funnily enough though, I would probably still make the same choice.

[a4a]

This is so interesting that you would think he is less intelligent because of a lack of formal education.

 

Having language skills or knowing that salt cellars still should be used does not mean one is intelligent. (what is wrong with people not using salt cellars- that is so trashy not to)

 

That means there was a lack of exposure to those things..... not that person is "stupid".

 

 

Only you and he can decide if you are a match and have similar goals and desires and can work as a team.

 

Because you do not know how to replace a fuel pump on a car does that make you stupid....... or because you do, does that make you intelligent?

 

However if someone chooses not to learn or expose themselves to learning about new things..... I do consider that person to be stupid.

[polywog]

This is an interesting thread. My LTR which recently ended was similar. I am well educated from a family that is the same. I was always with men from backgrounds similar to mine, or who at least had broken out of the mold and made themselves educated. Until I met the ex 9+ years ago.

 

He is incredibly smart, and creative and finished HS, but only tried out college for a year. I fell in love with his creatvity and spunk. But there were many times that it felt like a conflict; I suspect more for him than for me, though he never admitted it. My friends are like me, and I don't think he was very comfortable with them. As a result, we often had separate social lives, which didn't really bother me, except that he rarely attended the same social events that I did. We had what I thought was a solid, loving, magical home life, and that meant the world to me. And I got along well with his siblings and parents who all live here in town, they love(d) me. My family loved him, as well.

 

Well he broke up with me, and now he is with a woman who is not very educated or smart; I've met her and know other people who know her. She is very sweet, but I think is way below his level in brains, and about the same level of education. Maybe he is more comfortable with her because of this, I don't know. But I have wondered if he felt we were mismatched and it bothered him, and he would not admit it. His siblings all went to college, and his mom did (she's a retired nurse), but his dad (who is incredibly smart and a retired fisherman) did not, for what that's worth.

 

Just my 2 cents, as I am still grappling with this.

[Krytellan]

anyway, i knew pretty instantly on meeting him that this was someone i had a very deep connection with, had amazing chemistry with and wanted to be around all the time.

 

... wanted to boink...

 

Anyway, if having someone that is intelligent and in a situation to be in a successful (financially) career isn't important toyou, then have at it little one.

 

By the way, how does one barely graduate high school?

[dropdeadlegs]

This really made me think. Hardly any of my relationships have involved people of the same education level or IQ level. The one that did was absolutely the biggest failure.

 

I think having the same spiritual/moral/ethical values is more important than education or IQ.

 

The fact that you live far apart would be the biggest hurdle I see. Some people are funny about those with big differences in income or motivation to achieve. How do you feel about those?

 

My current BF used to stop me mid conversation with "definition, please" because my vocabulary is much larger than his. Actually my written and verbal skills are better trained than his are, but he has a way with manual skills that outweighs mine. I like that we compliment each other. I am better with certain things and he is better with others. We teach each other new things all the time. If I always balance his checkbook and he always maintains my car that is fine with me!

 

My BF did not graduate from high school and never even bothered with getting a general education diploma. I am certain he could have graduated but for some reason he felt it was a better decision to enter the work force. Like most who have done that, he wants his child to graduate and even attend college. I suppose it all depends on how much importance was placed on education during ones youth by their family.

 

My BF doesn't read much and I am compelled to read and learn new things. While I didn't finish college, I feel the need to continue my education through self administered means.

 

I suppose for some people a lack of formal education would be deemed as an inappropriate "match" but I think it is only a small piece of a very large puzzle called compatibility. The more pieces that fit together, the better, but no one person is likely to complete the puzzle 100%.

[Craig]

anyone out there think dating someone with lower intelligence would be a major problem considering that everything else about him is sensational? after all, i can speak to my clever friends if i want to discuss einstein or shakespeare. but none of them can give me what this lovely guy can.

 

What's not to like?

 

People have companion-animals (pets) that they call their family and have very close relationships with--so intelligence is not a requirement for a fulfilling relationship.

 

I'm not in any way suggesting that your potential SO is not intelligent just illustrating that intelligence can be over-rated when it comes to selecting a LTR partner.

 

PS - Do you mean that he is not intelligent or that he is not intellectual? There is a huge difference.

[lindya]

anyone out there think dating someone with lower intelligence would be a major problem considering that everything else about him is sensational? after all, i can speak to my clever friends if i want to discuss einstein or shakespeare. but none of them can give me what this lovely guy can.

 

It sounds as though he can give you a lot of emotional intelligence. Something that intellectuals sometimes lack, if they've a tendency to analyse the heart out of everything.

 

My concern here would involve a possible power imbalance. Knowledge and intellectual capacity give people a certain degree of power and influence - as well as the ability to very subtly manipulate people and situations. I think if you're contemplating getting involved in someone who's a bit less worldly wise, then you need to look inside yourself quite thoroughly and ask "will I make this person happy? Will they feel valued and respected by me? Is there any part of me that's attracted to this person because I want to be the more powerful one in the relationship - and, if so, what impact might that have on him?"

 

This isn't a criticism, btw. I think I'm talking more to myself than to you on this particular matter, BT.

[Trialbyfire]

What do you value? Does intellectual or witty conversation matter to you a great deal? What drives you? Do you get bored with same old, same old, easily?

 

Don't let chemistry fool you, although it can be incredibly strong. When chemistry calms down a little, after the honeymoon period, will he still be able to keep your interest?

 

Also, sorry to say, many people have egos or self-esteem issues that can't take one party being more intelligent than the other party, particularly men because by nature, men prefer to be dominant. I know, I know, I'm going to get beat up about this but I can spout it, like woggle.

[bluetuesday]

i would guess the IQ difference i am talking about is 50 points or so. he's not subnormal, but mine is freakishly high at 155. and that means i do like talking about concepts, playing with ideas and i'm quick witted. not yanking my own chain, i'm just pointing out that it's quite a difference. he is of average mental capabiliy, i would say. nothing very sharp or quick. sometimes it takes him a few seconds to get jokes. but then i adore my kitty cat, and she NEVER gets jokes and sometimes poops on the kitchen floor.

 

he almost didn't graduate high school because he said he was two points under the mark and would have failed unless his english teacher, who liked him, let him pass. i'm not american so i don't know the system, that's just what he told me.

 

i have no desire to have control over this person. i think he's amazing. i would never want to hurt him in any way whatsoever. i am just aware that the mental differences between us are consderably larger than with anyone else i've ever been interested in.

 

thanks for the replies, guys.

[Touche]

Who can say if he's right for you? It's such an individual thing.

 

Speaking for myself, and knowing my history/preferances, I could never be with someone who I felt was my intellectual inferior. It just doesn't work for me, no matter how nice/sexy the guy is. Intellectual compatibility has always been a requirement for me.

 

I once went out with someone who was very nice but just not educated at all. He was smart in many ways (in a street-smart kind of way) but we had nothing to talk about really. Many of our conversations were over his head. We never could have an in-depth intellectual talk about anything. I became frustrated and really bored. And all of his friends were the same way. I often felt out of place.

 

And as has been pointed out, when the sparks fade, what do you really have left? A companion.

 

Twelve years later, and my H and I can grab a drink at the end of the day, head for the back deck and talk for hours about all kinds of stuff.

 

Have you ever seen those old couples in restaurants who have absolutely nothing to say to one another? They'll sit through an entire meal in complete silence? I never wanted that for myself.

 

I hope that when we're in our 80's we can still have active debates/discussions like we always have.

 

So really, it's up to you to decide what's important to you. Speaking for myself, friends - no matter how intellectually stimulating they may be - would still be a poor substitute for a mentally engaging and challenging mate/companion.

[Art_Critic]

he is of average mental capabiliy,

 

If you only think of him as average and have judged him then you need to find someone you would feel more compatible with or you will need to learn to accept the fact that you are of different IQ's and that is okay..

 

Your lack of enthusiasm for his intelligence ( yes he has intelligence ) will spill out in other areas and you will in the end offend him and hurt him.

 

Having a higher IQ doesn't make one person better than the other..

Some of the smartest people I know are not college educated

[allina]

For me this would be a deal breaker, as intelligence and articulation are high on my list of traits I want in a partner. I would be turned off my someone who was unread, uneducated and needed words explained.

 

However that doesn't mean that that's the best way to go about things. If you see a lot of good in him and feel a special connection he may be worth a shot. I suppose only you can decide how much this would bother you. I think couples work better when they're pretty evenly matched on things like this, but that's not to say this can't work and be great.

[Art_Critic]

I think couples work better when they're pretty evenly matched on things like this,

 

I would agree with this Allina.. it is all part of finding one's match..

[Storyrider]

bluetuesday, if someone asked me to name the five people on LS who most value the intellect and approach issues from an intellectual standpoint, you would be one of them.

 

This makes me think it might not work. The intellectual sphere seems huge for you. The only thing that might balance things out is that the spiritual sphere is also huge, and that is where you overlap with him.

 

The fact that you (I know, jokingly) compared him to your cat does not bode well.

 

Now this is just me, but I like a man's mind to be sharp and at the same time somewhat mysterious to me, so that I could potentially take years to explore all its nooks and crannies. I don't only want an equal, I want someone who challenges me and of whom I'm a bit in awe at times. And I want him to have mastered areas of knowledge with which I'm unfamiliar. I like that feeling that he has an expertise which I lack.

 

About the jokes, my H. is extremely intelligent but often doesn't get my jokes. And it annoys me. But that may or may not be an intelligence issue with your guy. It could just be the way his mind works and his interests. I suppose if they are literary or philosophical jokes his lack of literacy could come into play.

 

BTW, are you sexually attracted to him? How does this fit in with the celibacy thing, if you don't mind my asking? Are you thinking of taking a break?

[lindya]

i would guess the IQ difference i am talking about is 50 points or so. he's not subnormal, but mine is freakishly high at 155. and that means i do like talking about concepts, playing with ideas and i'm quick witted.

 

That's a major IQ difference, but only you can decide how much it matters.

 

It often seems to me that down to earth "blokes" have a more instinctive understanding and enjoyment of femininity than the intellectuals/aspiring intellectuals. Even in my teens, I got this sense of the "blokier" boys genuinely liking me, whereas the more bookish ones often seemed uncomfortable with me and I often got a sense of contempt/hostility from them. Polite and well bred as they were. So I can very much relate to your fascination with this guy. Perhaps he's capable of meeting certain basic needs and desires that the stuffier, more intellectual men you've encountered would prefer not to know about.

 

Maslow's hierarchy of needs - spiritual and intellectual development might be at the top of the pyramid, but it's not much good having your need for those things met if the most important basic needs are being completely ignored.

[a4a]

Hey BT if you are so smart how come you are asking a bunch of strangers a question?

 

There are a multitude of "intelligent" people without such high IQ's ...... I did know the inventor Noble, he was brillant but he couldn't boil water for his own cup of tea....... often would get lost driving home.

 

Looks like you already feel this guy is beneath you..... cat comparison..... so do him a favor and keep it just friends.

 

And are you sure he wasn't just playing stupid with you...... to make you feel special? Did you all drop some acid at the retreat?

[Art_Critic]

I was goggling around with IQ compatibility in relationships and found some interesting stuff..

 

I myself have never been in a mismatched relationship of this type.. but some of the things I read talked about successful relationships falling within a 10 point IQ difference of each other..

[Touche]

I'll have what ^ she's having!

 

Also, I noticed that your post was a lot about the superficial when talking about him..his height, his looks, etc. Something to ponder.

 

Another quick thing I wanted to add is that some time ago I seem to remember a study that said that intellectual compatibility is one of the most important determining factors in the success of a relationship. Unfortunately, I can't tell you the whens/wheres/whats concerning this study but maybe you can look it up. Of course there were other factors as well but I distinctly remember that being one of them.

 

I tend to believe there's truth to it.

[Touche]

I was goggling around with IQ compatibility in relationships and found some interesting stuff..

 

I myself have never been in a mismatched relationship of this type.. but some of the things I read talked about successful relationships falling within a 10 point IQ difference of each other..

 

I just saw your post after I posted, AC. Did you find anything about that study I was referring to? About the top most important factors in a successful relationship?

[a4a]

I have a hard time dealing with some people with lower IQ's myself. And maybe you can just tell him to hush and look cute.

 

.... if you are just looking for fun and he is. I bet he would not mind having sex with a smart girl.

 

Honestly, I do get the part about not wanting to be serious about someone that you cannot converse with on a level that you enjoy........ and trying to keep a conversation going while they stare and drool is very difficult and stressful as well.