IpAncA Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well thanks for every single post even the horrible one. I know this is wrong but people here should read the pinned thread before commenting. Now I understand what I've said is wrong but I haven't acted upon it. I've told my husband that our marriage wasn't working and he blew me off and told me this feeling would pass. He won't go to counciling. He comes home late every night and I'm pretty sure he's cheated. I've found msgs to prove it. He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex. I'm mad at myself for thinking this. There are married women and men out here that come to this site for help and just to vent. Its not fair for other people to just bash them. So what ever problems other people have or are bitter towards om/ow affairs don't come around here to brink other people down. How about ending the marriage? Cheating will only make it worse.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well thanks for every single post even the horrible one. I know this is wrong but people here should read the pinned thread before commenting. Now I understand what I've said is wrong but I haven't acted upon it. I've told my husband that our marriage wasn't working and he blew me off and told me this feeling would pass. He won't go to counciling. He comes home late every night and I'm pretty sure he's cheated. I've found msgs to prove it. He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex. I'm mad at myself for thinking this. There are married women and men out here that come to this site for help and just to vent. Its not fair for other people to just bash them. So what ever problems other people have or are bitter towards om/ow affairs don't come around here to brink other people down. Well if that's the case, then you should be on the separation and divorce board. If you're in a crappy marriage fix it or get out, don't make it worse by cheating. What an absurd way to solve marital problems. You must really love drama.
NearlyThere Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well thanks for every single post even the horrible one. I know this is wrong but people here should read the pinned thread before commenting. Now I understand what I've said is wrong but I haven't acted upon it. I've told my husband that our marriage wasn't working and he blew me off and told me this feeling would pass. He won't go to counciling. He comes home late every night and I'm pretty sure he's cheated. I've found msgs to prove it. He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex. I'm mad at myself for thinking this. There are married women and men out here that come to this site for help and just to vent. Its not fair for other people to just bash them. So what ever problems other people have or are bitter towards om/ow affairs don't come around here to brink other people down. Hey look. I'm an OW. All I will say to you is, finding an OM will only find you temporary respite from what the REAL issues are in you M. They do not go away, they will not vanish, you need to try and find away to sort it out and I can see with a child you might find that hard. As far as the replies you received you might have got slightly more understanding if you had printed the full story not saying you wanted an OM, because you are bored, really if you just read that back to yourself from someone else, how would you feel. As far as the first pinned thread, well you are going to get people telling you as they are seeing it, you won't get people telling you to go ahead, not even people like me, which I know is slightly hypocritical, but I am here and although I'm not married or have any SO, not any more, I would say, please do not do this. NT
GregsBad Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Hatred, my words are hatred?!? wow that's a new one for me, not to T/J but hatred is strong a word. It's more like a bitter disgust because your going out there saying I want to cheat on my husband because my marriage is boring. That hurts me. I was a BS or hurt person in alot of my relationships so I can actively just say what I feel as if I were in her husband shoes. Nothing more nothing less. It's not hatred it's more like tough love. If you see someone about to crash into a brick wall at hgih speeds do you stop them? Or let them continue? I'm not going enable a person to single handily destroy their family because they want to F other people while married. If that's the case why get married? Your marriage is a joke and all your words of truth and commitment and honor were a bold faced lie. Like I said it's tough love, not hatred. The choice is hers to make. If she wants to cheat, she has free will to cheat. I cant stop her but I only hope my words can dissaude or unnerve her. But it's my opinion nothing more. I know you were betrayed and want to stop others from screwing somone over. But this is what I was talking about. You used ... "bottom feeder", "lying whore", "In my time on this earth I have never heard anybody say something so nasty and horrible.", "U mad selfish yo" "self absorbed cow" You've good some good advice man, and it really comes out in your other posts. And I'm really sorry to hear about the betrayal. I'm truly sorry that happened to you.
NoOneKnows Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well thanks for every single post even the horrible one. I know this is wrong but people here should read the pinned thread before commenting. Now I understand what I've said is wrong but I haven't acted upon it. I've told my husband that our marriage wasn't working and he blew me off and told me this feeling would pass. He won't go to counciling. He comes home late every night and I'm pretty sure he's cheated. I've found msgs to prove it. He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex. I'm mad at myself for thinking this. There are married women and men out here that come to this site for help and just to vent. Its not fair for other people to just bash them. So what ever problems other people have or are bitter towards om/ow affairs don't come around here to brink other people down. A divorce is in order especially if he's abusing you as stated above. The last thing you should be worried about is being bored. If you do have an affair, how abusive will your husband be then? You need to think rationally. Forget having an affair & go to the authorities or family & get help.
Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If you do have an affair, how abusive will your husband be then? A very valid point. If he's capable of hitting you now, when he finds out, you will be in far greater danger. If you want to look at it from the perspective of your child, what good is a dead mother? Also, if your husband is capable of hitting you now, what kind of abusive father might he become to your child?
Author SecretWish Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 By no means am I saying this is right. I understand everyone. I don't want revenge. I want out but I'm scared not to get my child. And I know how stupid this sounds but its what I want.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I know you were betrayed and want to stop others from screwing somone over. But this is what I was talking about. You used ... "bottom feeder", "lying whore", "In my time on this earth I have never heard anybody say something so nasty and horrible.", "U mad selfish yo" "self absorbed cow" You've good some good advice man, and it really comes out in your other posts. And I'm really sorry to hear about the betrayal. I'm truly sorry that happened to you. Um yeah I get it, maybe I was a bit too harsh. lol. But seriously because I'm bored is that such a great excuse to have an affair I think not. and also I think she's lying about being abused, She wants someone to condone her affair. Knowing it is wrong. Iread what she said about being abused and I think she's seriously lying about that. Because if that's the case why stay with her husband for so long. the abuse factor merits a seperation if it is true. But like I said she's upplaying minor stuff trying to justify it. I seen it happen a million times. "I'm pretty sure he has cheated." You need concrete proof and state that. Bottom line cheating isnt cool, she's hurting her family, her children and herself. Oh and thanks for saying sorry about being hurt. But anyway's I'm past all that. The new me is confidant in moving on. All of my ex's at one point or another has apologized for their actions, so whatever I did wrong I manned up and said what I did and owned it. But hey life goes on. What can you do?
GregsBad Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 A divorce is in order especially if he's abusing you as stated above. The last thing you should be worried about is being bored. If you do have an affair, how abusive will your husband be then? You need to think rationally. Forget having an affair & go to the authorities or family & get help. Divorce might seem easy to some - but not to many that hang around here. Most of the people here are OW/OM trying to get the courage to dump their MM/MW. Damn, you don't even need a divorce for that! Real divorce is easy to say but hard to do. A lot of people who see it as nearly impossible. In cases of abuse, there is a thing called "Rasputin Effect" where a person can not break free easily. Maybe SecretW needs professional help to get the courage to divorce. To help her see there really is pleanty of good life - even after divorce.
frannie Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I've been married for over 3 yrs and I've been wanting an affair for the past year. I don't have the courange to do it because I don't want to get caught and loose my child. But I want another man to have some fun some exciting relationship with. I know its wrong but I just want this. I want to be able to learn to approach men who will be up for this. Any advice? Am I crazy? It's as simple as doing an online search for 'philanderers', and I know it's pretty popular. But none of what you write makes a lot of sense to me. Why not look for what you are missing with your own husband first? Three years seems a very short amount of time to be giving up on something (coincidentally it's exactly as long as I've been seeing my MM)... and you already married him and had a child? Why not try to fix what you have first? How dull and boring could it have got in such a short time, and why..?
Author SecretWish Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Um yeah I get it, maybe I was a bit too harsh. lol. But seriously because I'm bored is that such a great excuse to have an affair I think not. and also I think she's lying about being abused, She wants someone to condone her affair. Knowing it is wrong. Iread what she said about being abused and I think she's seriously lying about that. Because if that's the case why stay with her husband for so long. the abuse factor merits a seperation if it is true. But like I said she's upplaying minor stuff trying to justify it. I seen it happen a million times. "I'm pretty sure he has cheated." You need concrete proof and state that. Bottom line cheating isnt cool, she's hurting her family, her children and herself. Oh and thanks for saying sorry about being hurt. But anyway's I'm past all that. The new me is confidant in moving on. All of my ex's at one point or another has apologized for their actions, so whatever I did wrong I manned up and said what I did and owned it. But hey life goes on. What can you do? You're something else, you don't know my life and why I've been through so don't say I've lied when I've lived through it not you! Keep your assumptions to yourself. You seem pretty damn bitter to me. Deal with your crap somewhere else. Don't be a jerk because that woman you were the "om" to hurt you.
Owl Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I've got to agree with what some of the other posters have said...if he's abusing you now...just WAIT until he catches you cheating...or even thinking about it!!! I know that women (and men) often stay in abusive relationships for various reasons...but you DO know that there's ALWAYS a way out, right? And I'm serious about what's likely to happen if you cheat...do you really want to subject your child to THAT?!?!?! Get to a battered women's shelter, get the paperwork started on a divorce. Start documenting the abuse...in a journal that you know is completely SAFE and that he can't possibly get access to. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW...take your child...get the help you need. Once you've got this guy safely removed from your life...THEN think about being with someone else. Morally and ethically the right thing to do...and infinitely safer than what you're currently contemplating.
GregsBad Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I want to be able to learn to approach men who will be up for this. Any advice? I can't help much with men. Would you consider being a lesbian? I could help you pick up women! Wanna' be my wing woman? Seriously, I know that SecretW said the "bored" word, but ... I belive in all my heart that sex is soooooooo powerful that a sensual woman can't be happy without it. It will never just go away ... never! If she's going without, she's struggling with some difficult things. If she's being abused too ... I don't even know what to say. End serious part Sex ranks with Air, Food and Water. Let's see, If I had to I could go without ... - Air for minutes, - Water for days - Food for weeks OK so then sex ranks with water
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 LMAO!!!!!!! Usual defensive pose cheaters take when they feel cornered. I'm not placing anything from my past on you, I am clearly giving you my opnion. I aint calling you a liar. I just simply dont believe you. First you say, your bored, then you say he abused you? which one is it? You wanted the truth dont blame me if you cant handle it! Now listen having an affair isnt right, nor is it just. You want out, then tell him the truth and tell him why? You still love him but desire other's. There's no shame in the truth. Who knows he may desire others as well and agree that a seperation is in order. Matter of fact there's no need to divorce. If you want to seperate and fool around with other people, then just say so. There's no reason for you to soil your own self respect because you cant control yourself and contain your desires. Affairs are scripted, whether you believe it or not. I love him, my husband hates me, this man understands me, We'll never cheat on each other, he understand's me. Blah,blah,blah. The only thing that changes is the ending. Give your husband the choice to either divorce and find someone else or you work out your marriage and make it stronger than what it is. And you know dont go in half-assed. Go in 100% nobody else on your mind. Extend an olive branch. You should read HC's thread, that guy is still dealing with resentment, and he only found out 8 months ago. Do you want your husband to hate you? Is it worth it?
GregsBad Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 DO know that there's ALWAYS a way out, right? Get to a battered women's shelter, get the paperwork started on a divorce. Start documenting the abuse...in a journal that you know is completely SAFE and that he can't possibly get access to. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW...take your child...get the help you need. Once you've got this guy safely removed from your life...THEN think about being with someone else. Morally and ethically the right thing to do...and infinitely safer than what you're currently contemplating. Yes ... do that! Please Or at least see a professional for help.
Sunset Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Not sure how old your child is and some of the words are very harsh in this post but I agree with the gist of breaking free from your current relationship before embarking on a new one. OM/OW relationships are really really soul destroying and most of us on here would turn back the clock and not have got involved if we could. What starts off as exciting quickly becomes horrible. If not careful you can turn from an independant woman into a clinger. You will end up really screwed up. Either work on your relationship or get out if he does not want to. You will have a harder case for getting custody of your child if your husband finds out you had an affair. Good luck to you - and don't get on her case too much fellow posters, the poor girl hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Herzen Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Well thanks for every single post even the horrible one. I know this is wrong but people here should read the pinned thread before commenting. Now I understand what I've said is wrong but I haven't acted upon it. I've told my husband that our marriage wasn't working and he blew me off and told me this feeling would pass. He won't go to counciling. He comes home late every night and I'm pretty sure he's cheated. I've found msgs to prove it. He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex. I'm mad at myself for thinking this. There are married women and men out here that come to this site for help and just to vent. Its not fair for other people to just bash them. So what ever problems other people have or are bitter towards om/ow affairs don't come around here to brink other people down. I'm sorry about the bashing but that's par for the course, here. For some abusive posters, infidelity is akin to murder, rape, incest, child abuse. Those posters--with their so-called "tough love"--are never insightful, and rarely helpful. As for your situation, in the short term it's easier to have an affair than separate and divorce. There's nothing sexy or easy about the separation/divorce process. Unwinding a marriage and family is much more difficult--emotionally, financially and psychologically--than the "rush to divorce" posters would leave one to believe. I know, because I'm a divorced OM. Your marital issues are extremely serious and you should be seeking guidance from family, friends and professionals. An affair won't keep your spouse from beating you, but I understand why you wish to be in the arms of another man. You're only human as opposed to the morally perfect scolds that grace these threads. An affair would only be a stopgap measure, however. It might make a bad marriage more endurable at first, but then things will start to unravel. I recommend that you take you and your child to a women's shelter and obtain professional counseling and advice from those people. Once you're free of your husband, then you can date once again.
Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 By no means am I saying this is right. I understand everyone. I don't want revenge. I want out but I'm scared not to get my child. And I know how stupid this sounds but its what I want. Look at this logically. The courts normally will not break up a mother/child relationship, if the mother wants to keep the child. Also, you have an abusive relationship. What court on this earth would give your child to the abuser? Think, woman, think.
Darth Vader Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 SW, if you are in an abusive marriage, get proof of your abuse, contact an abuse hotline, they could help you with filing for divorce. Say if you did ride another man, had a really good time, had lots of orgasms, do you realize the ramifications of your actions? It would be like throwing gasoline on a fire (BOOM!). Imagine if you two were caught in the middle of having sex, how destructive would your husband become. He would kill both of you instantly, he might even be able to get off on temporary insanity, get your son, and procede to beat him. It probably wouldn't happen, but, stranger things have happened. Just think, the actions that you want to take are EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! Get help from a professional!
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 He's abused me physically as pushing me, throwing me, socking me and trying to start something in front of my child. he's no angel. I want to find real love its not only sex Then do the honourable thing and get a divorce. Not only because you want love and sex with another man, but because your husband doesn't want to go to counselling, because he has physically abused you, emotionally abused you and shown bad behaviour infront of your child. Why are you still married to him if you think he's cheated on you, and is abusive towards you? Finding an OM will only make your life more complicated and hurt your child. If your H is abusive, imagine HOW he is gonna react if he finds out YOU'VE cheated on him? Think ahead abit, not just in the short term.
annabelle75 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 LMAO!!!!!!! Usual defensive pose cheaters take when they feel cornered. I'm not placing anything from my past on you, I am clearly giving you my opnion. I aint calling you a liar. I just simply dont believe you. First you say, your bored, then you say he abused you? which one is it? You wanted the truth dont blame me if you cant handle it! Now listen having an affair isnt right, nor is it just. You want out, then tell him the truth and tell him why? You still love him but desire other's. There's no shame in the truth. Who knows he may desire others as well and agree that a seperation is in order. Matter of fact there's no need to divorce. If you want to seperate and fool around with other people, then just say so. There's no reason for you to soil your own self respect because you cant control yourself and contain your desires. Affairs are scripted, whether you believe it or not. I love him, my husband hates me, this man understands me, We'll never cheat on each other, he understand's me. Blah,blah,blah. The only thing that changes is the ending. Give your husband the choice to either divorce and find someone else or you work out your marriage and make it stronger than what it is. And you know dont go in half-assed. Go in 100% nobody else on your mind. Extend an olive branch. You should read HC's thread, that guy is still dealing with resentment, and he only found out 8 months ago. Do you want your husband to hate you? Is it worth it? You said in one of your previous posts that you were "over it." No, you are not. In fact you are still obsessing over it and lashing out at others. You really are capbale of giving good advice but it gets lost amongst your bitter diatribes. Maybe its time to back off and take a break from visiting this forum. I don't think you are able to give objective constructive advice yet.
Jinxx Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 By no means am I saying this is right. I understand everyone. I don't want revenge. I want out but I'm scared not to get my child. And I know how stupid this sounds but its what I want. And why would you not get your child? If you want out then go talk to a lawyer. Learn your rights. There is usually no charge for a consultation. You'd be making a huge mistake by entering into an affair. Don't do it.
Author SecretWish Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I'm just wondering where do people get the "bored" part? My husband doesn't beat me, he just becomes physical with me( I see how its physical abuse). I guess I need to find a way out even though he doesn't want it. It all comes down to being in a loveless marriage. How sad. I just thought a om would have truly loved me.
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