Can you believe this? You think she will ever contact me again?

[trent25]

I feel better writing about it. I want to move on, but I just want answers. That's all. I may never know, but maybe one of you can make a logical answer out of this events. I know she was no good for me, my friends didn't like her. But I wanted to help her. So here it goes.... Long story short, this girl (20 yrs old), suddenly dissappeared on me. She called me seven times one day (I was studying). 3 weeks ago. I called her back that night many times (I thought she was dead). She called me next day saying why should see call me when I don't pick up her calls. I called that night, the next day, went over to her house, and she was gone. She dissappeared! After seven months of almost hanging out everyday and calling, gone. I texted and texted to see if we were broken up or what. I wanted to know where I stood. After four god damn days I see this on a text "Im sorry just couldn't do it anymore". Can you be anymore spineless than that? For four days I didn't know what the hell was going on and probably looked desperate. Anyways, She cut the intimacy four months ago, we would argue alot about it. She would want to be taken out to dinners, but then would come home and fall asleep. I would get offended. I got an apartment she came over twice in two months. I took her out on dates she would argue and say she was tired at the end of the night. One night, when I broke up with her saying things need to improve, she called me and confessed that she threw up to stay skinny in the past and that she had problems with weight and family since she was a little girl. She said she needed help and was going to get it. I said great. Than two weeks later, she did this dumping...

 

 

But, as of today. After two weeks I sent her an email saying that I would help and support her during her depression and weight problems. I told her I wasn't begging her back but that I didn't realize how big of a problem this was. I truly felt guilty for this so I wrote and wrote about how she should get help. I get this back the next day " "Thanks for your concern. I am glad I met someone as wonderful as you, thanks for everything you did for me. Right now, I think its best for both of us if we didn't make contact".

What the hell? I said in my email, if you don't want my help than I wish you the best....

My question is this.....Did this chick have another guy? Did she burn me cause she is selfish, not attracted to me, and so on? Or is she sick and just hates herself and so cannot be intimate with anyone. I need your opinions. I am so damn confused. I want to let her go but I don't want to make the same mistake again. This chick went from calling me five times a day to see you later. It has to be another guy....What would you guys do in this situation? Thanks a lot. I will get over her, but I am so damn depressed and angry. i tried for months. and tried and tried. Then this. Why do people always push away those who care. Some shmuck will come along and she will fall in love with him because he doesn't care. Why is it like this? I don't understand. I can get a lot of girls but ones I care about never recepricate (spelling?) anything. Damn this is confusing....

 

 

Its been a week since her email, three weeks since the break up....

[wlminfla]

Hey man,

 

I totally understand how you feel. I have been there before, and I completely understand how agonizing this is for you.

 

But since you asked for advice, allow me to offer some for you.

 

First of all if what you say is true, and I'm sure it is, then there is absolutely nothing more that you can do for this gal except to let her go. I strongly recommend that you just simply cut your loss, leave her alone, go on living and trust that she will be okay. At this point, she has more/less rejected your help and trying to help her further will only make matters worse. I know how frustrating it is for you because, as guys, we want to help and fix problems. Believe me I tried and failed miserably :-).

 

As far as there being another guy involved, I doubt it but I would also leave well enough alone. Believe me...you REALLY REALLY don't want to know if there was. BUT, the bottom line here is that she's 20 years old, she has some problems, she needs to fix those problems and she clearly wants no help. If she did want some help, she would ask you for it. This is a time where you have to face rejection right in the face, accept the reality of it and don't fight it anymore. The absolute best thing you can do is to privately (in your heart and mind) wish her well and be on your way. Again I say, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change her mind and I strongly suggest that you leave it alone.

 

Don't get me wrong...I know it hurts. It took me FOREVER to get over my last girlfriend (whom I was also almost engaged to). It will take time, but believe me you will be fine. I know this sounds cliche, but trust me when I say that you will be a better man (and yes you do want to be) if you just leave her alone and let her go.

 

Don't swallow your pride, just chew on it for a while. It gets tougher that way!

 

Hang in there!

 

WLM

[trent25]

Does anyone else have any opinions? I do want to let go, but I want to know if I pushed her away, or if she just can't be with me right now? I am so damn depressed.

[InsanityImpaired]

If she does have an eating disorder, chances are high that her self-image is bad. And have issues which stem from that. Her fatigue (self-inflicted, through not getting enough food in her system?), did not really help the relationship.

 

We could speculate for hours, whether this or that is the case - but all to no avail - it does not change the situation. Even if you knew, the only one who can help her, is she herself. And that will take a long time.

 

This is one of those times, you will not get your answers. Better to move on, and let her go.

[sarebear87]

Hi Trent.

 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you advice as to what your ex is thinking.. but seeing as I suffer from an eating disorder, I thought I might be able to shed some light on it??

 

My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and part of the reason was that he became a little aggressive in the way that he approached my eating disorder. Rather than say 'I'm here, talk to me when you need to, and we'll get through" he accused, and turned every time I couldn't eat into an argument. It made me resent him, and in a way, the stress from it made me restrict even more. (NOT saying he was the cause of it, just that my ED stems from stress among other things, and it didn't help).

 

In saying that, it seems you went about it the right way in telling her that you were there for her and would give her space if she needed. And with her reply, I can honestly say she really is thankful you understood and care enough to stick around for support, but at the same time, now that she has 'confessed', she probably has freaked out and needs time by herself, for however long, to sort out her head. Its probably not so much that she doesn't like/want/need you, but hates herself so much that she needs to learn how to love herself a bit again before she can give any to you. I know that when my eating disorder spiralled again at the beginning of this year, I started becoming less interested in 'intimacy' right down to hugging etc. because every time I did I felt horrible, and retreat back to somewhere in my mind. Then I would get upset because I knew the impact it was having on my boyfriend, who was hurting so much, and who couldn't understand a)my behaviour b)Why I couldn't love myself and c)Why nothing he could do or say helped.

 

I can honestly say telling someone you have an eating disorder is the scariest and most confronting thing someone suffering one can go through, and a lot of emotions get thrown around once its happened. It's admitting that not only do you hate yourself enough to put your body through hell, but it also admits to hurting other people with your self-hate. I would say that while she's pushing you away, she still wants you there. Its unfair, and hard on you to make you wait. I guess the only thing you can do is let her know you're there, that you care about her and that you wish her all the best. If you feel game, and its what yu want, tell her that you can wait until she's ready to be with you and that you can take things slow, but she has to let you know. If you don't hear from her, then I guess its up to you whether you leave or not. From what it seems though, you have done everything right and shown her your care without being pushy.

 

Good luck with it, and I hope in some way I shed some light on it??

 

ps. Reading what you said about her wanting to go for dinner etc, then coming home and wanting to sleep... its probable that she really did want to go, but when it came down to it, the thought of having to sit in front of food, in an environment like that probably flipped her out, and it was easier to be 'sick' or 'tired'. I don't thin kthat it had anything to do with a lessening interest in you.

[outspoken]

it just sucks!

 

i have been there trust me and i do understand your frustration with this, through out many hours of conseling it come out my ex is either bipolar and or suffers from depression, i gave up everything of myself and my life trying to help her, when i say everything i mean my business, my home, and my family, but she was not ready to help herself and there for nothing i did helped her.

 

i am all for helping someone but you have to be carful not to, one enable that person, and two do not let their need for help control your life, because if you do you may find the day to come that you have lost everything that was you. does that make since?