crushedMan Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I need someone to just tell me that everything will work out in the end. My wife has decided that she wants to leave me and she has already started dating other men without a separation officially in place. She changed her status to divorce on her myspace, etc... Could someone please give me some advice as to how I can handle this? I dont want to read her emails anymore. I want to stop wondering where she is. I dont know how to extricate myself from her as she took my $ though she says she'll give me it back. I know that if I do all the things I should be doing - turning off the phone, cancelling accounts - it will only make things worse- and for some reason I have some hope inside of me that says we'll get through this. I keep blaming myself because I wasnt a good husband- lover- I work alot and have long days and havent spent alot of time with her in the last 6 months. She says that I have two weeks to work on her - seduce her as she puts it - but she isnt around! She is out and I cant reach her by phone. What can I do to get her back? Should I try? I want to but I am just so hurt I have no compass. My head is spinning and my stomach is in knots. Someone please tell me something positive and help me get through this.
azianpride143 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I would walk away. What guarantee do you have that she will not do this again? My wife did the same thing and had an affair and got caught. I am in the process of a divorce. You need to man up and grow some balls. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You can only control your life and not hers.
Author crushedMan Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 azianpride143 Thanks for the advice and I do agree with you - it's the pain that I am trying to cope with the most. So, how did you handle it when you found out?
Wedded25 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I'm afraid I'm not qualified to address the pain of potential or actual breakups, having not been through one, but I can speak to one point, FWIW: She says that I have two weeks to work on her - seduce her as she puts it ... What can I do to get her back? Should I try? Not if she's going to keep pulling this crap. Truly loving couples don't fix problems via one half becoming "boss" and making the other "subordinate" and subjecting him/her to a "performance review." We can all get threats of reprisal for missing deadlines at our jobs; the whole point of a loving relationship is to give each other a respite from such behavior. {{{{{crushedMan}}}}}
Author crushedMan Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 I'm afraid I'm not qualified to address the pain of potential or actual breakups, having not been through one, but I can speak to one point, FWIW: Not if she's going to keep pulling this crap. Truly loving couples don't fix problems via one half becoming "boss" and making the other "subordinate" and subjecting him/her to a "performance review." We can all get threats of reprisal for missing deadlines at our jobs; the whole point of a loving relationship is to give each other a respite from such behavior. {{{{{crushedMan}}}}} Wedded25 Thank you for the sensible advice. I will take that and use it.
azianpride143 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Go read my thread and you'll see I have been through what your going through right now. So did others in the Divorce forum. There's great support here in LS and you will find that your not alone. I feel for you. When I first found out I was in a state of shock. It felt like I got hit by a wall. In the beginning I was begging her to give it one more shot. When I look back at how I was behaving I realized my actions may have pushed her even further away. The one question you need to ask yourself is can you live with it. When I asked myself that question the answer was no. I love her a lot and I still do. What she did wrong was that she never gave the relationship one last try. Went out of the marriage and had an affair. I would have preferred her to have ended the marriage first before having to put me through hell and back. You will go through emotional ups and downs. The acceptance and the reality would be the hardest thing to overcome. First you must grieve. You have to realize that the only thing you have control over is yourself and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. So pick up what's left of your life and begin working on yourself. This situation your in will get better as you start channeling all that anger, pain, and frustrations into a positive. Also go seek counseling for yourself coz it does help. Once you get yourself and your life back in track everything else will come naturally. You don't need to re-live the unhappy marriage your living in right now. You deserve to be happy. Now is your chance. Go and take it. "Like what they say another woman's trash is another's treasure."
Author crushedMan Posted May 24, 2007 Author Posted May 24, 2007 AP, I read your thread. WOW. Good for you for making the choice and you have inspired me - Gunny has too - to now man up and deal with this. My STBXW, when I came home today - immediately threw me an attitude. I had told her that I wanted half the $ she took from our savings so that I could move out soon and we could start to work on healing. I guess she never expected for me to accept the reality so soon. The more and more I think of what has gone on between us in the past 8 years since we met - 3 years married - tomorrow actually. - the more I can see how it would eventually come to this. She cheated on me though she considers it isnt cheating because in her head and verbally to me she stated it was over and then went out and met another man - all within 2 weeks. And no she isnt 40 she is 35 - so am I. She blamed the lack of intimacy as a problem which I will admit I have been so focused on work and trying to fit in exercise that my days were long.... but that I do not apologize for - work puts food on the table and exercise keeps me sane. So does sex but with all the arguments who could possibly be up for it - no pun intended. So looks like I am going to man up - already spoke to a friend who is getting in touch with a lawyer and I am going to take care of some other thing so she doesn't completely wipe me out financially - emotionally I am numb but I could actually eat today. Still have the anxiety though.
CaliGuy Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 She says that I have two weeks to work on her - seduce her as she puts it - but she isnt around! She is out and I cant reach her by phone. The best thing for you to do is go AWOL. Disappear from her life. Don't answer her emails or calls. Show her that you can and WILL live just fine without her. No strict NO CONTACT with her for at least two months. That means do not answer her calls or emails and don't respond to her at all. Show her what life would be like without you. She is pulling away from you. The best thing you can do is pull away from her. Go buy and read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you good, sound, HONEST advice on how to deal with this situation in a rational manner. Right now, that's exactly what you need. Buy the book and read it ASAP.
azianpride143 Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 It may be easier to just disappear. But now may not be a good time. Do the lawyer thing first. Get your affairs in order. Move out. Attack the problem head on. Feel every ounce of pain. Channel your anger in your workout. Keep yourself busy to keep yourself from going crazy. Take good care of your health. Your going to need it. Grieve alone and let it all out. Do not let her see how hurt and devastated you are. When you communicate just discuss only the terms of the divorce and nothing else. Hope this helps. "The light is hard to see when your wearing sunglasses at night".
CaliGuy Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 The reason I think he needs to disappear is for the reason I quoted in his post. She wants him to WORK for her love. She's expecting him to fall over himself to fight for her. In this case, the opposite reaction would do much more for him and the relationship then catering to her whims. Expecially if she is dating other men.
Author crushedMan Posted May 26, 2007 Author Posted May 26, 2007 Thank you all for the advice so far. The problem with me going AWOL is that I don't have a place at the moment and if I leave she stays and I would have to pay half of the rent. I have made some progress though. Took some more action in getting my affairs in order so that if I need to go AWOL out of desperation I can. Just need to get a little bit more of a plan together. Any advise on how to extricate myself out of this mess without letting on as I plan it and go about executing it?
CaliGuy Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 Do you have a friend you could stay with for the time being? Maybe a relative? I really do believe you need to get away from her and create some space and lots of it.
Darth Vader Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 I would turn off the phone, cancel the accounts, cancel credit cards, get a separate account NOW! So what if she gets PISSED! Let her! Drop this Chic FAST! Stop paying for anything for her, cut her off entirely! Don't take her blame game, WS's always do that, try to shift blame, that's Bullcrap! When she does that, you nail her right between the eyes and tell her that you never cheated on her, there's no justification for cheating, ever!
Author crushedMan Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 I would turn off the phone, cancel the accounts, cancel credit cards, get a separate account NOW! So what if she gets PISSED! Let her! Drop this Chic FAST! Stop paying for anything for her, cut her off entirely! Don't take her blame game, WS's always do that, try to shift blame, that's Bullcrap! When she does that, you nail her right between the eyes and tell her that you never cheated on her, there's no justification for cheating, ever! I have already taken care of joint accounts, electronic billing and other stuff. The cell phone situation is something I just brought up with her and I tried to be as nice as I could stating that I am not going to pay for her to speak with other men. She said she would think about but come Monday if she doesnt want to get her own phone then I will cancel it. I don't know how to handle the car scenario, one is owner and the other is leased - both are registered to me though. I still love her and care about and despite being crushed I can't find it in me at this time to nail her between the eyes. Am I the only one holding out that there is a chance this will work out? I keep going back and forth in my emotions and decisions. Sleeping is tough and just getting through the day is tough if I dont have to go to work. Glad I actually am busy at work and have to work tomorrow on Sunday - I may even go in on Monday too just to be occupied - go for a bike ride and then a run. I'm out of my skin now. Cant stop thinking that I wont get to have a family and die old and alone...ugh
CaliGuy Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Now is not the time to be Mr. Nice Guy. She sure as heck isn't playing NICE or FAIR.
Darth Vader Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I have already taken care of joint accounts, electronic billing and other stuff. The cell phone situation is something I just brought up with her and I tried to be as nice as I could stating that I am not going to pay for her to speak with other men. She said she would think about but come Monday if she doesnt want to get her own phone then I will cancel it. I don't know how to handle the car scenario, one is owner and the other is leased - both are registered to me though. I still love her and care about and despite being crushed I can't find it in me at this time to nail her between the eyes. Am I the only one holding out that there is a chance this will work out? I keep going back and forth in my emotions and decisions. Sleeping is tough and just getting through the day is tough if I dont have to go to work. Glad I actually am busy at work and have to work tomorrow on Sunday - I may even go in on Monday too just to be occupied - go for a bike ride and then a run. I'm out of my skin now. Cant stop thinking that I wont get to have a family and die old and alone...ugh Listen MAN! There's about 6 BILLION other women out there for you to choose from, I think you have a better than very GOOD chance of getting someone alot better than your STBXW. And TRUST ME, there is better than her!
Author crushedMan Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 Darth You are right - It is just the pain that I have that is killing me but then there is the anger. The anger that she keeps screwing with my emotions telling me this past weekend would have been different if I didn't over react when she took my phone and tried to look in to who I was calling. The prob I have is that financially I don't want to get wiped out. If I leave the apt. she will get to live here. Both of our names are on the lease until next April. Now if I start taking some drastic action like canceling her the cell phone that her line is on under my name I know it's only going to lead to massive problems. She has already threatened to call the police for no reason. What the hell am I supposed to do?
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