Walking away

[WonderWater]

As I sit here this very last evening in the house that I shared with my husband and raised my daughter in for the past 5 years, I take this opportunity to bid my previous life farewell.

 

I have recently become a sounding board for a friend going through some relationship issues of his own. Life is really funny sometimes, because it is just what I needed to be able to close this chapter in my life. I have seen a lot of myself reflected in him and his actions. And I am not proud.... I have been very mean and vindictive on these boards to people that I care about deeply.

 

It has been the reaction of hurt and betrayal. I see my friend doing this exact thing. Bringing out my dark side is not something that I am proud of. But, that is what I have displayed here. And I need to walk away from it. I need to start anew with the people near and dear to me in my life.

 

My (ex) husband --- How I destroyed him. I may have been able to end my marriage with little effort, but the emotional struggles are beyond difficult. It kills me to know that because of my actions and selfish choices, he is now on anti-depressants and in therapy twice a week. I want to help him heal in whatever way I can. I turned him into someone so angry with me one night that he verbally attacked me so badly. He is a good man. He is an amazing father, with some flaws that he is working at. (Who doesn't have those?)

 

He was a supportive husband for the past year when I broke down and told him I wanted the marriage to end. He is willing to take me back and forgive me for the affair. But, he deserves so much better than me. I hope that he finds it and that she treats him like he has earned. When he left on vacation this past week, I gave him a hug. We must have held each other for 5 minutes - no words. We sobbed on each other's shoulders for the entire time though. As painful as it was, it needed to be done.

 

My (not-so-ex) MM --- *Sigh* I don't know what to believe in regards to him and our relationship. I've read my previous posts and every single one is the result of me attacking him from in a fit of anger, confusion, or depression. I regret many of the things I said. Deep down in my heart, I know that I am not "his whore". I know that he cares me for deeply as a close friend, a person, and a partner in passion. Whatever else is there is there. I am going to let that play out for what it is. But, he is so very dear to me because he knows me and everything that I have been through and become because of more than anyone else in the world.

 

As it currently stands, he is suffering through a very difficult emotional crisis of his own trying to decide what to do with his own marriage. He puts up the walls and the facade when friends are around, but when I see him alone, he breaks them down. It breaks my heart to look into his eyes and see the confusion. He attacks me for the same reason that I did - as a defense against the confusion in his heart. All I want to do is wrap my arms around him and let him sob on my shoulder. I want to help him find the courage to make the decision he needs to.

 

To all of you out there who I have shared this emotional journey with my reading other's posts and just learning, I wish you the best of luck as you come to your own decisions and closures in these strange relationships.