jennsana Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I feel like such a jerk but I am not in love with my husband. I actually get anxiety when I think he wants to have sex. How do I tell him I want a divorce or separation which i think leads to divorce ...kindly? jenn
Trimmer Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Have you made a firm decision? Do you want to try a separation because you think you will be able to rekindle some emotions for your marriage, or are you thinking of it as an "easier" path to your goal of divorce? Are you still with the other man from back in January? Were you able to bring yourself to have any substantial conversations with your husband since then, at which time you were also agonizing over how to talk to him? Bottom line: the longer you wait to be honest with him, the more duplicitous you will seem. You have talked about how to make it easier on him; there isn't really any way to make it less painful, but waiting and hiding will gradually make it more painful. Be honest with yourself. If your real goal is divorce, don't tease him with a separation that he may think has hope for reconciliation. There is no shortcut through the pain. But you can make it even worse by hiding from the truth.
Author jennsana Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thank you for responding so quickly. I have tried to tell himI am unhappy with out revealing the other man. I tried on saturday and things didn't work out as i had planned. Basically I caved because I felt like I hurt him. I think now I am hurting him more. Advice?
Trimmer Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 All I can tell you is from my perspective, when my wife left me. It changed my world. There is nothing you can do to "not hurt him." But here's the only advice I have for you. In retrospect, in the big picture, anything my wife was honest and upfront with me about, I still respect her for. Anything she hid or deceived me about - and the longer that went on - I still resent her for (well, I've worked at getting past that, but you get my point...) Just a little first person experience from the other side.
Author jennsana Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Thank you form the bottom of my heart. Could you tell me of a nice way or easy way to start this terrible conversation?
azianpride143 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I don't understand why you had an affair if you were worried about hurting him in the first place. When you made that choice you knew what you were getting yourself into. So why stop now. Go ahead and tell him the truth. He deserves it.
mammax3 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 There will be no easy way - there can't be. You're potentially ending a relationship and it WILL hurt both of you. The best you can hope for is to be sensitive to how he's feeling and listen to him when he responds to you. You don't need to accept any abuse, but he will be angry no matter how you present it and will likely have questions. You need to think of your answers now. Good luck.
quiet1one1 Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Boy can I ever add something to this thread.. I've been married 23 years and in my situation, I play your husband. My wife has dropped the the "I don't love you like that anymore" line on me and after months of fighting it, I believe we're coming to an end. I have pretty good proof that there is somone else (and I'd bet your H at least suspects the same about you). If we do end things, I know that I will need to grieve and I feel *strongly* that I cannot grieve and heal until I know the truth. There's just something in me that needs to know everything...now. So far I have not gotten the truth and doubt I ever will. This is killing me inside to the point where I don't know how I'll ever trust again. Look, you made a "big girl" decision to cheat! Assuming you still care about your H, it's now time to human-up and do whatever you can to help your him (and you) grieve and move on. Whether you move-on into counseling, a separation, or divorce who's to say but regardless both of you will need to heal and you cannot ~really~ heal without truth and honesty. He deserves at least this much from you...doesn't he? Clear the slate or let the guilt eat at you and the doubt eat at him...what's it going to be? Oh...and sorry, NO - there is no easy way to tell him. It seemed like such an easy thing to do to *fool around* with someone else but...now you are going to have to pay. Sorry, you asked.
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