DanielMadr Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 How to tell her off and not to hurt...that much? She is close friend of my friends. She has been through some serious shyt (and I mean serious shyt) recently but is quite OK now but fragile. I ask her out to accompany me while jogging. Some pitty was in there, which I of course denied (She asked me later). Later I was busy. We exchanged some funny messages. Long story short, she dropped the bomb....to tell her how is it with me and her. I avoided that and settled "date" instead. On the date she was demanding to tell her either yes, or No to end her suffering. I told her she is pushing me against the wall and that Im not good in telling No and to cool down etc. etc but I didnt say No. It would be dumb to tell her NO aka I dont find you worthy, which is not exactly truth. I like her. But I dont see future with her, so I would drop her some time in the future. I tried to explain that but I dont think she got that. I warned her I might go abroad and that Im not relationship material etc. Next time I see her what should I tell her to let her go without her losing face - least damage? I considered to start to act wimpy or telling her Im gay or something but Im not sure she can buy that. What do you suggest?
Pyro Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I honestly don't think that there is an easy way to end this. She will probably be hurt by whatever response you give her. Just tell her that you don't feel the chemistry. She'll respect you for being honest.
curiousnycgirl Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I agree there is no easy way to say it. Simply be honest and direct, without being hurtful. I don't think she will respect you, at least not immediately - she'll probably think you are an *******, but in time, that should change too.
oppath Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 But seriously, honesty is the way to go. "I would love to hang out with you as friends but I don't feel we are right for each other long term."
Sun_Conure Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 If you do not see a future with her, you do not really like her. I think that the chemistry explanation is the best. Also you can tell her that you still have feelings for your ex or someone else. And that she is a wonderful girl and a good friend but in current circumstances ... you are just not capable. If things were different with your emotional state, then .. who knows ... Well, that would be a lie but it's better then explaining to her that she is just not a right person for you.
Pyro Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I agree there is no easy way to say it. Simply be honest and direct, without being hurtful. I don't think she will respect you, at least not immediately - she'll probably think you are an *******, but in time, that should change too. Well that will depend on how mature or not mature she is about it, but chances are she will think that at first.
Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If you do not see a future with her, you do not really like her. I think that the chemistry explanation is the best. Also you can tell her that you still have feelings for your ex or someone else. And that she is a wonderful girl and a good friend but in current circumstances ... you are just not capable. If things were different with your emotional state, then .. who knows ... Well, that would be a lie but it's better then explaining to her that she is just not a right person for you. If you don't see a future with her, if you don't feel the spark, that's not going to change. To say that under the "current circumstances" you are not capable and/or if things were different will only cause her to hold on for hope, and stick around, waiting for those "circumstances" to be different. I've been told by a guy that he just didn't feel that "something special" with me, and I actually took it pretty well. Telling a girl that circumstances prevent you from being with her actually makes her feel worse - because she thinks if she were enough, you wouldn't let those circumstances interfere. But by making it about chemistry, there's nothing she or you can do about that - and if she's any level of an adult, she'll get it. Honesty is always the best policy.
Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 If you don't see a future with her, if you don't feel the spark, that's not going to change. To say that under the "current circumstances" you are not capable and/or if things were different will only cause her to hold on for hope, and stick around, waiting for those "circumstances" to be different. I've been told by a guy that he just didn't feel that "something special" with me, and I actually took it pretty well. Telling a girl that circumstances prevent you from being with her actually makes her feel worse - because she thinks if she were enough, you wouldn't let those circumstances interfere. But by making it about chemistry, there's nothing she or you can do about that - and if she's any level of an adult, she'll get it. Honesty is always the best policy. Exactly. Don't string her along. While it might be easier for you to do so, it's unfair to her personal well-being and also the length of time it takes for her to get over you.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I ask her out to accompany me while jogging. Some pitty was in there, which I of course denied (She asked me later). Later I was busy. We exchanged some funny messages. Long story short, she dropped the bomb....to tell her how is it with me and her. I avoided that and settled "date" instead. Your not going to be able to get out of this without hurting her because you have led her on already. If you had ripped off the band-aid earlier it wouldn't have been as bad. I agree honestly is the best way to go. Talking about circumstances could lead her to think maybe down the road there is still a chance. I think you should tell her you have been asking for her company because you do enjoy the company but don't feel any more than friends. Which is what I got from what you said.
oppath Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I can't argue with a woman if she doesn't think we are right for each other because it shows that she values me enough to be honest and cut the strings so I can heal and find someone who is right for me. I take the honest approach extremely well. When I can sense someone is dishonest, I am deeply cut. And I despise anything that can be construed as false hope. My ex mind-****ed me. Her: It's not you, it's me, I don't know who I am and need to find myself. Me: That means you don't want feel it and don't want a relationship with me. Her: Of course not. If I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you. Don't think I don't have feelings for you, I do. Me: Not romantic ones, or you wouldn't be breaking up with me. He: That's not true. I don't know who I am, and I've always been in relationships. I feel like I am giving up the most amazing relationship of my life but it is something I need to do; I'll hardly have time for myself let alone another person. I'm not emotionally ready to keep making you happy, but all the the romance, passion, and chemistry are there, don't think I don't have feelings for you. Later that night to mutual friends: "yeah, I broke it off. I'm over it. He's a good guy, fun to hang out with, and I really like the sex, but I don't love him." (I found this out 2 months later). But can you understand my confusion? I was deeply hurt. She kept all the strings intact yet was walking away. How could I move on? If she hadn't persisted in having feelings and that everything was there, I could just accept the "lines" she gave me, but because she followed them with false hope, I was conflicted. Clean break. Don't make it about you, don't make it about her, make it about the relationship! It's not "you're not right for me," it's "we're not right for each other" or "I don't feel xyz and I want you to be free to find that person". It's about the relationship, not you, not the girl. And hijacking with relevancy for once...when she asked me to be FWB two weeks later, TOTAL mind **** and confusion. As a result, what probably would have been 3 months to get over, was pushed to 8. Not fair. Be honest AND be considerate. You can be both.
Sun_Conure Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Honestly, "I do not feel any chemistry for you" does not sound believable either. He did hang out with her for some time and then went out on a date. If he did not feel any chemistry, then why date her? Was it hard to determine that there was no chemistry when they hang out? As the conduct was misleading already, I would blame all on circumstances. Otherwise, the whole situation does not make sense.
Author DanielMadr Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Thanks boys and girls. That 'I have someone else in sights' is tempting approach...it is almost true but I had bad experience telling 'My heart is somewhere else'....they sniffed wounded animal and went for a kill. The chemistry is there, she is quite attractive and I like her. I just think it is not powerful enough and given the circumstances (fragile personality) I just dont want to risk hurting her in the future if it eventually wont get better with the chemistry. And you were right not to mention circumstances. Its BS. The same BS as 'Its me not you'. She is not that dumb. And I dont want to mention 'not attractive enough', it might hurt her on 'am I attractive' level. In circumstances like this I just eject myself doing some stunt like telling them I have HIV or giving ultimatums (like she did) but she knows me and her friends know me, so it wouldnt work. Id like to defend myself here....I asked her to go jogging - it was a mistake but I feeled she had feelings for me already and I was under constant pressure of "innocent" indicating of her and our friends. Instead of half a year of playing dumb and keeping distance I wanted to solve it for her good and mine. I hoped she could find me unattractive, considering how I look when jogging or eventually she will get the hint when I dont go for her panties. But she just was too fast and caught me unprepared. I dont f@ck what I wouldnt date. And I dont think we would date for much longer.
oppath Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 You haven't lead her on yet, you haven't been intimate, a simple "I like you and enjoy spending time with you, and find you quite attractive, but I don't want to lead you on as I don't feel a romantic connection with you" will suffice. If you make it about circumstances, or, if you say "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" she might be like "that's fine I don't need anything serious right now" and she'll still want to date you.
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