selarom Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Hi people, this is my first post and would love any advice you could give. My girlfriend of about 3 years broke up with me, citing what seem to be fairly common reasons from looking around this site: "I need to grow", "I'm confused", "Lets try being friends for awhile", etc. I fought the urge to go try and "win her back" and have been in No Contact since we broke up one week ago. I am definitely not over her, I don't want to be over her, but I realize I can't (nor would want to) force someone to be with me. So I'm in No Contact but I don't want to look like a jerk, thus killing any chance of us getting back together. Here is a summary of our contact: Day 1: Break up Day 3: She calls because she needs something at my house for work. I agree that she can come and get it. I meet her at the door, hand her the item, and say I don't want to talk to her right now when she starts trying to talk about things. Day 4: She leaves me a voice mail saying that she is really sad and wants to talk with me. I leave a voice mail back saying I'm sorry she's having a rough day, but I'm not ready to talk to her. Then she leaves another voice mail begging me to please come over and talk later that day. I never responded to that second voice mail, its now day 8, and have heard no word from her. I don't want to get sucked into a friends relationship where I am an emotional crutch for her. Does no contact mean not returning calls? Or contact is fine, just no initiating contact? I don't even know what I'm doing or where I am right now. I guess I would just appreciate any general advice on how I should handle this as I really have no one to talk to at this point. What is the best way to proceed that includes a chance she will come back? This is a person I envisioned that I would spend the rest of my life with. 2 conflicting thoughts are always in my head: "If you love something, let it go, and if it returns to you...etc etc." and "Something you love should be worth fighting for".
curiousnycgirl Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 I wish I had the words of wisdom that would work for you. Best I could come up with is the link below. I thought it was so comprehensive when I first saw it - I added it to my favorites! Hope it helps. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54435/
Author selarom Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Yes, I've read that article, its a good one and what I am currently basing most of my strategy on! The part I get blurry on is the "practicing no contact section". I dont know whether or not I should respond to her second voice mail she left me. Reasons not to: 1) It was basically the same plea to meet up that I had refused that night. 2) Since she mentioned having a bad day, calling her now several days later and offering to meet up wouldn't really be in response to that voice mail, and might be seen as ME contacting HER (thus violating no contact and wrecking whatever it is Ive built up here) Reasons to contact: 1)She was technically the last one to try and contact me. Why should she try again? 2) She may think I've moved on or dont care about what she's going through (this point is less likely)
Author selarom Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Just thought I'd update my situation, and see if there's any further thoughts people have on the situation... She initiated contact again several days later, in an email explaining why she felt we needed to break up, that I did nothing wrong, she still wants to be friends, etc. I responded the next day with an email apologizing for not being there for her several days ago when she had a bad day, but that I was pretty angry and wouldnt have been much help. I also explained that since she wants space, being friends will not help anybody, and that we can be friendly when we run into each other etc, but I'm not going to be a friend and come and hang out all the time etc. She emailed back briefly saying she understands but we can talk if I wanted. After this followed several days of no contact, until I ran into her at a local bar. We took a short walk where we talked about the same thing we had said in our emails. It was friendly, and there was a bit of longing on both sides, and we made out for a little bit but I tried to keep that to a minimum. I don't want to get involved with her again unless its serious and heartfelt. I explained to her that I wasn't going to let her keep parts of the relationship that she likes...I was very nice about all of this. At the end I told her to call me when I could come and get my stuff out of her house, which I did a couple days later. We said goodbye to each other, and she seemed to want me to stay, but I left. Despite her seeming to want to see me, she hasn't recanted her friends type attitude so I feel no contact is the way to go. I had been out of town and had bought her a present, which I gave to her as a farewell gift. I don't know if this was a mistake or not, but she seemed to really like it. A few days later it was my birthday and she stopped by to give me a birthday present, which surprised me. Several more days of no contact have elapsed, and I'm able to better evaluate our relationship and feel a little better about myself. I still think about her everyday, but I now realize she wasn't into the relationship for several months before she broke up with me. I am still not over her, and still secretly hope things will eventually work out, but logically I realize this is unlikely and I'm trying to move on as much as possible. Its now been 1 month since our break up. She has sent me a few short messages and emails asking me to please come to a performance she is doing...its a hobby she is very involved in...despite the fact that weeks ago during our face to face conversation I told her I didn't think it was a good idea that I should go. So should I go? Should I not go? Should I tell her again I'm not going or just ignore these messages. No Contact so far has helped, I think.
Jack'a Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Selarom, it's hard to be in your position since she was the one that initiated the break up. But I think you should ask yourself this question first "Why did she say all the things she said?" Could it be that was her way of saying "sorry, I just don't love you the way I used to do"? Since you mentioned that she wasn't into the relationship for several months leading to the break up... I'm in a similar situation I guess. but with my ex admitting that she doesn't love me, nor care about me all that much. It had been about a month of very low contact straight after the break up, and I only started NC last week ( for my own sake, don't see why she would actually want to contact me anyways... LOL ) Personally, I don't think it will be a good idea to go to her performance if you are not COMPLETELY ready to go. Because it's very likely you will start thinking about her more and more... And if you read through all the posts up here in LS, it's really not worth it undoing all the mending during NC over the sight of an ex. When 2 people part, their lives become their own. There is no need to still "be nice" or be involved in each others hobbies... really.. The person who initiated the break up should be more thoughtful of the other person's feelings. TBH, I wouldn't even bother telling her that I'm not going... I'll just not show... Because it seemed to me like, she broke up with you after she was pretty much over the relationship... ( that's wot my ex did to me... and I'm still in a mess because of her)...
Author selarom Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Sigh...still going through no contact and still lost as to were I am...there has been no real contact since June 4th and I just got an email from her. I'll get to those details in a minute but first I want to give you a bit more background on myself and this relationship. I'm 28, the relationship lasted 3 years, and its the only serious relationship I've been in. I have a hard time meeting women...I'm fairly introverted when it comes to the dating game but I'm getting a little better at it. Things were great for the first 2 1/4, maybe even 2 1/2 years of the relationship. We were both in love, she was always talking about marriage but I wanted to hold off...not because I didn't want this as well but I thought we should live together first...give the relationship some time...anyway we couldn't get enough of each other. Then many warning signs came up...she started losing a lot of weight, she got a new circle of friends that became her primary friends, sex became a lot less frequent, she wanted more distance (which I gave)...pretty classic signs from surfing around here. However there was never another guy, which makes me want to think my situation is different....I tried several times to start a conversation to figure out what the problem was and why the relationship was heading this way...but I couldn't get her to talk to me. Finally, the last time I started up this conversation, we broke up. Into no contact I go as mentioned above. So since June 4th I have not contacted her...I ran into her at a bar here about a week ago and said "hi" and nothing else. Ran into her last night at the same bar, said hi and gave her back some cds and her key which I forgot to give her earlier. And thats the only contact I've had. In the past couple months, Ive tried to focus on myself....Ive been exercising, Ive been going out almost every night, I've flirted a little bit with some other women, and have tried to move on. I don't want to move on, but reading on this site convinced me I have to. What can you do when you love someone and they're not willing to put forth a real effort to solve your relationship problems? When this person you love sees the easiest option as just breaking things off and takes it? But I still think of her all the time, and mostly at this stage am just disappointed or angry that she could throw away such a good thing (in my mind) so easily. So lets get to this email I got last night, I'm guessing she was spurned to writing it after seeing me out having fun with my friends. She talks about how lately all she thinks about is me, she misses me, its hard without me, its hard seeing me because it makes her want things to be like they used to be...she mentions a lot of stuff like this. She mentions she's lost doesn't know what to do. (I'm guessing her new circle of friends is not as close as the gym they were all involved in shut down). She's worried shes messed up things with us forever...its hard for her to let go because she loves me... What am I supposed to do with this? What is she expecting me to do with this? I'd love nothing better than to go back to our relationship...but Ive spent the last 2 months trying to cut her out of my life and out of my heart. And sure she's confused...but is someone really in love you if their response to being confused about their life is to break up with you? I have a feeling her new friends aren't hanging out with her as much and she's using me as a fall back...but I could be wrong. I'm very cynical about the email but on the other hand, I want to take it on face value and it effects me deeply. And if I'm cynical all the time, I'm automatically canceling any chance of us getting back together. Sorry for the long post, I thought I would update my situation and see if anyone with more relationship experience than me had any advice or comments.
brokensunglasses Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 You are expereincing the worst of the worst. BUT, she DUMPED YOU. Screw her. it sucks, it really does cause I have been there, but she is going through dumper's remorse. She is asking you premission and acceptance for her actions, not for your heart back. Woman, most of the time, ask to remain friends so THEY don't carry as much guilt. When a girl loses interest in her man, it can very rarely be raised again. She dumped you; if this was her action, she has no reason to be calling you and as a result, her actions have said she doesn't need you... so you're doing the right thing by not contacting her. An ex is an ex for a reason; it's called a break up because it's already broken. My advice, only because I've been there, is to change her name in your cell phone to "Don't Answer" or "I will hurt you." It may sound silly, but hurting you is what she will do, though not intentionally. When a guy gets dumped for no specific reason, it says one thing... he's a good guy and the girl is immature--this means she's not worth your time... take all your good traits and share them with a woman who deserves what you're worth. Best.
frd150 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 When a guy gets dumped for no specific reason, it says one thing... he's a good guy and the girl is immature--this means she's not worth your time... take all your good traits and share them with a woman who deserves what you're worth. Best. Thank you for for posting this. It fits my situation to a tee. Selarom, I have gone thru pretty much the same thing as you but i am a few months out. Still hurts and i am still sorta on the perverbial hook. You and i are about the same age, the age where we start to get serious about what we want. Unfortunatly i am at work and my 1:30 meeeting just showed up. I will post more later. Sorry.
Author selarom Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I replied to the email today. I basically just said that you are always going to miss someone you spent 3 years being constantly with, that what happens in a break up, and that I can't be friends because it would be painful for me, I'm focusing on myself now, and I need to live in the present and not think about the past. I tried to keep it as short and polite as possible. I appreciate all the feedback, and while I agree that no contact is the way to go and I should be moving on, I feel like I should try one last time to make this work before giving it up forever. I feel there is hope since she has not been seeing other guys (at least not seriously...I probably would have heard about it through the grapevine) so I feel she is sincere about being confused. So I have this idea, thats either the greatest idea ever or the the worst idea I could possibly come up with, I don't know. I've made it extremely clear to her in every communication we've had that I refuse to be just friends. So what if I asked her out on a date? Let her know it was a date, and it will starting over from day 1, no baggage no assumptions no guarantees about anything...make it as clean slate as possible. She is constantly wanting to see me it seems (to my severely clouded mind)...so is it that much of a mistake to say she can...if its a date? I'll wait for people's replies on that one, but for now I move straight back into no contact.
frd150 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I guess if you are prepared for the worse it will not be that bad if she refuses. I myself am trying to decifer some recent conversations with my ex. I am pondering the same idea. I am just not sure how i will take it if she rejects me. My heart has a scab over it now and i think rejection will just rip it off. I have done my one big effort but it came at a time when emotions were raw. Maybe now is my window of opportunity and i just am not fully realizing it. Maybe i need to start another thread?? Maybe for you it might be too soon. You need to guage the level of emotions because her heart might say yes but her brain will cause the a no to come out of her mouth. Funny how that works. Pride i guess.
sao2 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I think you have given her enough of an idea that she would not be rejected. Every situation is different but I generally think that if she broke up with you she has to be the one to swallow her pride and come after you now.
heartoutside Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 As frd150 knows, I think the 3 of us have somewhat similar situations. Although, you're ex does seem to have or want more contact. Mine did want the contact, but hasn't called and now won't text message (see my posts) in 2 days. But I've got a question for selarom and frd150. What is/was your ex's family history? Did they have any troubles with parents, or were they adopted, raped, etc etc. The reason I ask is I almost know for a fact that my ex had severe abandonment issues. Her mother left her and her father when she was 4 leaving my ex in the shopping cart at the grocery while her father was in another aisle. Her father then years later became an addict and she moved out on her own at 14 or 15, dropped out of highschool. She was also hung out with gangs when she was younger and saw one of her best friends get killed. She's 24 now, I've been dating her since she was 20 and a half. I'm now 28 so 4 years older. The funny thing is she always talked about marriage when I was going to ask her, and I always felt it was best to wait for her to finish college, and then out of no where she runs for the hills, pushing me away before I can hurt her.
Author selarom Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 heartoutside: Her parents divorced when she was young, but neither really abandoned her. They always lived close by and seemed to care for her. Her father is a workaholic and probably didnt have much time to spend with her. She never got along well with her step dad, and got heavily into drugs towards the end of high school and some other bad situations. She has been in a string of constant relationships (most of them pretty horrible in my opinion) since she was 14. She is 25 now. It is one of the reasons she broke up with me; she mentioned how she has always been in a relationship and is confused and wants to just be single for awhile. Her last email really affected me and I'm feeling pains similar to the beginning of the breakup. My brain keeps telling me that if she's confused, the only one who can figure out what she wants to do in her life is her. And thats what I've been saying in my emails. But my heart tells me that she is confused, and indirectly asking me to make the choice for her, to make a grand gesture to win back her love. Confusion breeds confusion I guess. Stupid heart and brain. I wish I was just a mass of bloodless, brainless organs and flesh, then I'd have no problems at all.
heartoutside Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I started going to a counsler last week, which does help, and after about 30 mins of question after question (which the first session always is, a get to know you session) she gave me her opinion. She said that 50% of her wants to say my ex is confused, and that trying to contact her would just make her feel more pressure, that I need to let her contact me and just be her friend. Which kind of surprised me to hear. Most "normal" people would say being friends is a stupid idea, but for some reason my professional counsler said for now being a friend is what she needs. But that is in my situation, every situation is different, and you have to be the judge. But this kind of "break" or break-up sucks. It's probably the worst kind of break up because there may never be any true closure, in fear of risking her return. (You force an answer or push for a choice of never getting back together or getting back together) I know in my situation that we are broken up, that she doesn't intend on seeing anyone (but I kind of suspect there is a guy trying his hardest to get in) and that she needs her space and time to figure things out. I also know that I need to focus on myself right now too. The hard part for me is hearing different things from different people, such as her telling her "adoptive" mother that she doesn't want to move on, or hearing from another friend that she's acting like she doesn't even care. Or finding out that not many of our friends and hardly any of her close friends know what is going on or why she broke up with me. As one mutual friend put it, she must have hit her head. But as much as it sucks, writing her a letter, or "forcing" something like going on a date I don't think will work. If your ex is trully confused, asking her out on a date isn't going to be the answer. But again only you can judge. As for breaking up being the answer to one's confussion, yeah it doesn't seem to be the right answer. Talking it out, getting help....those seem like good options, I would love to be going to my counsler with my girlfriend. I know in my situation, my girlfriend has never been trully alone, she's always gone from BF to BF since she was 15. Then she started thinking about marriage with me and she saw her father, and her whole childhood flashed before her eyes; at least that's how i see it. But we've got to go on, and it sucks for 2 reason. 1: We don't have closure or any answers. 2: We have to walk a very fine line for possibly a very long time (with communication, and interaction), until we are either in one of two situations. Totally done and over with, or back together.
sao2 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 heartoutside: My brain keeps telling me that if she's confused, the only one who can figure out what she wants to do in her life is her. And thats what I've been saying in my emails. But my heart tells me that she is confused, and indirectly asking me to make the choice for her, to make a grand gesture to win back her love. Confusion breeds confusion I guess. Stupid heart and brain. I wish I was just a mass of bloodless, brainless organs and flesh, then I'd have no problems at all. YES!!!! I agree completely and as much as you want to, I feel the same way in my situation. But what you have to do here is hold back. If you make that grand gesture it will probably blow up in your face. She wants you to make that grand gesture because she wants the ego boost, but really in order for this to work she needs to make the grand gesture here. She broke up with you remember, you can make small gestures, you can go 10% of the way(at least I like to think so) but she has to make the big step here. She has to swallow her pride and fear and let you know that she is looking to reconcile.
Author selarom Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Well she responded to my email yesterday with a lot of good signs. She said her last email "wasn't a plea for friendship", that she wants to "work things out" with me, and a lot of stuff about a new job (actually a promotion) she got that requires to work in a city about an hour from here. She said that she wants to move closer to work but doesn't want to send me the wrong message by moving away. She also said she would love to talk to me in person sometime. So I'm going to talk to her tomorrow night (wednesday). I think I'll just try and keep it light, see how her life is doing, talk about current and future events, etc. But I feel that even if it goes well and I decide to do the date thing, I'm not sure I want to start with as clean of a slate as I stated before. I think eventually we'll have to get communication going about what was pushing her away from the relationship...to both resolve any problems we have and to decrease the chance of it happening again. But I think it would be a mistake to pressure her with all that tomorrow, and just try to keep the meeting short, light, and current. Is that a good idea? I think I'm abandoning no contact, and will be doing more of a "light contact" thing. I'll keep you guys updated...and if it ends up we do reconcile I'll start another thread in that section to keep up with how it goes.
frd150 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 As frd150 knows, I think the 3 of us have somewhat similar situations. Although, you're ex does seem to have or want more contact. Mine did want the contact, but hasn't called and now won't text message (see my posts) in 2 days. But I've got a question for selarom and frd150. What is/was your ex's family history? Did they have any troubles with parents, or were they adopted, raped, etc etc. The reason I ask is I almost know for a fact that my ex had severe abandonment issues. Her mother left her and her father when she was 4 leaving my ex in the shopping cart at the grocery while her father was in another aisle. Her father then years later became an addict and she moved out on her own at 14 or 15, dropped out of highschool. She was also hung out with gangs when she was younger and saw one of her best friends get killed. She's 24 now, I've been dating her since she was 20 and a half. I'm now 28 so 4 years older. The funny thing is she always talked about marriage when I was going to ask her, and I always felt it was best to wait for her to finish college, and then out of no where she runs for the hills, pushing me away before I can hurt her. Hey Heart and selarom, On the surface her family seems perfect but when you strip away the layers you will find problems just like any other family. Communcation seems to be the biggest problem hence our problem. you see her father works alot and is gone alot but when he comes home he and her mother do not say much to each other. He comes home has dinner watches the game and falls asleep in his chair. Their are times when he comes home from buisness trips just to leave again for their vacation home. I used to recieve alot of last minute calls from him wanting me to go. I guess what she is afraid of is that her life might end up like that. We were both real busy and well you can read back but i think like her grandmother told me "she lost her spark". For my part in this i can hardly blame her but we all know that relationships are a two way street. As for the rest of her family.... She is the oldest of three and the only girl in a family dominated by men. This is probably why she she is so not a whimp. In fact i only saw her cry twice. Once on an extremely cold chair lift ride ( her hands felt like thet were going to fall off and honestly i was pretty miserable too) and then in a post break up conversation. Her aunts unckles grand parents were all great but again they all have their share of problems. I guess she unknowingly took on some of the communication traits of her imeadiete family.
frd150 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Her last email really affected me and I'm feeling pains similar to the beginning of the breakup. My brain keeps telling me that if she's confused, the only one who can figure out what she wants to do in her life is her. And thats what I've been saying in my emails. But my heart tells me that she is confused, and indirectly asking me to make the choice for her, to make a grand gesture to win back her love. Confusion breeds confusion I guess. Stupid heart and brain. I wish I was just a mass of bloodless, brainless organs and flesh, then I'd have no problems at all Or a sexual island where it is all sports, bars, hangin with your buddies. A place where we have no worries about the oppisate sex. Could work for women too. Naw, I still love women.
frd150 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I started going to a counsler last week, which does help, and after about 30 mins of question after question (which the first session always is, a get to know you session) she gave me her opinion. She said that 50% of her wants to say my ex is confused, and that trying to contact her would just make her feel more pressure, that I need to let her contact me and just be her friend. Which kind of surprised me to hear. Most "normal" people would say being friends is a stupid idea, but for some reason my professional counsler said for now being a friend is what she needs. But that is in my situation, every situation is different, and you have to be the judge. I would agree with your counsler. I decided a while back to give my ex all the space she needed and i did not want to manipulate her decision in any way. No pressure. I know it got me know where. They make this decision for what ever reason and going against it only solitifies their decision. Being friends and to what degree is a choice that is your own. Be prepared for some hurt. Even though love and friendship go hand and hand friendship outside of love post break up can send your emotions into a tailspin. I think that the three of us are probably on the same page here. Heart, remember i mentioned yesterdays phone call from the ex? Well, two more followed. No real reason just to talk. She also was venting about traffic( I loved watching her get angry at bad drivers). I keep it light no relationship talk. You just need to be an easy place to come back to. But guys, do not forget about you in the process. But this kind of "break" or break-up sucks. It's probably the worst kind of break up because there may never be any true closure, in fear of risking her return. (You force an answer or push for a choice of never getting back together or getting back together) I know in my situation that we are broken up, that she doesn't intend on seeing anyone (but I kind of suspect there is a guy trying his hardest to get in) and that she needs her space and time to figure things out. I also know that I need to focus on myself right now too. I think that in a situation like ours closure may have to come from within. What defines closure?? Who knows?? The hard part for me is hearing different things from different people, such as her telling her "adoptive" mother that she doesn't want to move on, or hearing from another friend that she's acting like she doesn't even care. Or finding out that not many of our friends and hardly any of her close friends know what is going on or why she broke up with me. As one mutual friend put it, she must have hit her head. Ditto But as much as it sucks, writing her a letter, or "forcing" something like going on a date I don't think will work. If your ex is trully confused, asking her out on a date isn't going to be the answer. But again only you can judge. I wrote a letter a while back ago but i never sent it. Do the same for your self it really helps. DO NOT send it. She would just take it as another push. I re read it the other day. Man, i was so sad, i mean i still am but i wrote it on a real emotional day. My ex has dropped a few "get together hints" but i am so afraid of the rejection if that is not what it is. (Man up frd) i know. Btw i have not seen her in two and a half months. As for breaking up being the answer to one's confussion, yeah it doesn't seem to be the right answer. Talking it out, getting help....those seem like good options, I would love to be going to my counsler with my girlfriend. I know in my situation, my girlfriend has never been trully alone, she's always gone from BF to BF since she was 15. Then she started thinking about marriage with me and she saw her father, and her whole childhood flashed before her eyes; at least that's how i see it. But we've got to go on, and it sucks for 2 reason. 1: We don't have closure or any answers. 2: We have to walk a very fine line for possibly a very long time (with communication, and interaction), until we are either in one of two situations. Totally done and over with, or back together. And ditto again. I wish i woud of had the opportunity for a long two sided conversation. We cannot fix what we are not aware of, right? The father fears, yeah, my ex fears the same thing. Will i (frd) be just like her dad? Never but i can understand her concern I was myself pretty "lame " at the end. Guys, I will ask you the same question i was asked by a girl i know. " How long are you willing to let this go on?" I still do not know. I wish I could just let her go completley. I can't I love/loved her like no other. We fit so well. I was always so proud to call her my girlfriend.
heartoutside Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Well I just got back from my 2nd session of counseling and to be honest, it didn't help. At this point I may need therapy more then counseling. I came in with a list of questions such as; why did she tell her adoptive mother that she didn't want to move on? Does she miss me? If she wanted to get back together would she try? Can I call her? I fear she's trying to push me away. Is she really confused or just can't tell me the truth (a fear I've gotten from this site, there seem to be 2 or 3 guys that will automatically answer with that answer). Is she contacting me just to help her conscience? Am I being strung along when she calls asking how I'm doing? Should we hang out, it was something we were talking about 3 weeks ago. When I got back from my vacation, she wanted to hang out....but that changed because she kept texting me and I thought she needed her space. Anyway, the counselor basically said all these quesitons I you should be asking my ex and if I do this 1 of 3 things could happen.... 1: She will give me another confusing answer 2: She will give me an it's over answer 3: She give me an answer such as because I'm no longer attracted to you or something along those lines (a personal rejection) I personally don't think it will be 2 or 3 in my situation, and my counselor feels that if I do ask why my ex feels confused, then theres's 95% chance that I just get another confusing answer and maybe half a percent I'll get an answer of personal rejection. I'm not sure how she came up with those numbers though. She also said there will only be 2 reason why I should return to her for more counseling and that would be because 1: For myself, to figure out things about myself or 2: If I have no more contact with my ex. I guess her def of no contact is out of you life totally, I guess. I tried getting an answer from her as to what she meant by that, and she really had no answer, she just felt that I was trying to force her to make a decision for me. Anyway, so I'm kind of back to square one. It's been 1 whole day since I talked to my ex (sunday afternoon) and that was after I called her. I told her at the end of the conversation that she can call anytime, and she asked, "are you sure?" and I told her yes. I hope that is enough to keep the lines of communication open. I'm worried that our mutal friend may have burned that bridge a little for us.....time will tell. But I had a wicked hard morning today. I mean hard. Last night, as I already posted, our friend told me that he doesn't think my ex is interested in this guy, which is good sign, I guess. But he did tell me that she said she just wants to better her life. Why she can't better it with me in it...I don't know, maybe that's part of it, she needs to figure out if me being in her life will make her life better or not? I don't know....but that comment at first, didn't really set me off....and I finally went to sleep, but then I woke up around 1 or so and I couldn't get back to sleep. I got up finally after a few hours of sleep, and I didn't want to do anything, (I usually go to the gym). But I was super depressed...and here's the sad part....I went on myspace again! WHY?? And my ex changed her song again to the Smiths, "How soon is now?" with the line You shut your mouth how can you say I go about things the wrong way I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does again, I don't want to read into, but why does she keep changing her song????????? It's been about a month since I've seen my ex, which is nutz. I couldn't have ever imagined not being able to see her for a month. But it's only been one day since talking to her....what's the longest you guys have gone with NC...? Did you ever break it? My brother is suggesting that I just go NC, no myspace, no facebook, nothing...cold turkey for about 2 weeks and then give her a call, to make sure the lines of communication are open....but who knows! UGh
frd150 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 It's been about a month since I've seen my ex, which is nutz. I couldn't have ever imagined not being able to see her for a month. But it's only been one day since talking to her....what's the longest you guys have gone with NC...? Did you ever break it? My brother is suggesting that I just go NC, no myspace, no facebook, nothing...cold turkey for about 2 weeks and then give her a call, to make sure the lines of communication are open....but who knows! Ugh Hey Man, Sorry your having a bad one. Over two months for me and yeah its hard to fathom that i spent just about waking minute (and sleeping) for three years with this person and she and her family are out of my life just like that. All in a matter of a few minutes without warning. The longest has been a week and a half straight. What confuses me is that she says to everyone that we are taking time apart, then in a heated conversation she says that she no longer sees herself with me. As soon as i stopped calling (to give her space and time to cool down) She called me . About 4 days later. I agree with your brother. If she calls in the two week period dont answer. at least not right away. Maybe call back later because you will be busy. Right?? Yeah i have broken it myself. Im human. I have always been good at nc in the past but this time is different for some reason.
Author selarom Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 I met up with my ex yesterday. I tried to keep a positive attitude...and be as relaxed as possible. It helps to try and not think about the past...the past is never coming back and you just have to move forward as a person. We took a walk around the block and talked about what was going on in our lives. She seemed willing, if cautious, to start things up again, or in her words "work things out between us." So I asked her out on a date...said we could go on a date in a couple weeks without any expectations or baggage from before...and she thought it was a great idea. She actually said she was thinking about the same thing. She also brought up that she thought she was moving to this new city but didn't want to send the wrong message...I told her to go ahead and move. She's going to be going to work everyday, and she'll be right there. On the other hand we have no idea what's going to happen with our relationship, and even if we get back together she'll still be going to work more. Anyway, time for some conclusions maybe? My story isn't over, and once I start on these dates I'll post a new thread in the "reconciliation" section. So did No Contact work? In a way. But throughout these last months my goals and tactics have changed. I use words like "strategy" and "tactics", but really I don't think playing any kind of games is a good idea...I just tend to think in these types of terms because I approach things from a very scientific point of view. Early on, I think no contact was a great idea. My girlfriend wanted space earlier, so I know wound up in our breaking up was me being too smothering of a person. No contact kept me from trying to chase her down, and thus push her farther away, while simultaneously working on my own peace of mind. But when she did initiate contact, I tried not to shy away from it. Going complete NC is good if you want to completely heal yourself, but if you want to try and get back together its good to let her initiate some contact and to reply honestly but non-judgementally. And since she was the dumper, I'm still going to let her be the one to initiate contact. My challenge now will be to simultaneously give her plenty of space...and keep my heart unguarded and open to whatever our new relationship will consist of. NC also helped me to get an honest view of our relationship, and where I wanted things to be back just like they were during the first few weeks after the breakup, now I want anything but to slip right back into our same relationship. I actually want these dates to be without any prior assumption, and see if we can still hang out together and have any mutual interest. I'm sorry if my ramblings are confusing but maybe they can help someone in a similar situation. Like I said Ill start a new thread in Reconciliation in a few weeks when I do the date, and post a link here.
heartoutside Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 So how long did you go before you saw her? How long did you go without her calling or contact? I re-read your post and I'm starting to see some things that I didn't before. WE had fun together always, but the one thing that was lacking lately was sex. But she was really stressed out about school and always said it was because of that (and she worked 30 hrs a week as well), so I didn't think much of it. But that's really the only thing..... I guess I have to stop dwelling on the past? And move on.....hard to do....
JCD Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Selarom, you need to stop beating it around the bush and straight out ask her what the problem was in your relationship and whether she likes to fix it or not and if not then be done with her. This cat and mouse game you're playing is crazy. You need a strong woman who doesn't change her mind when the little thing comes around. I like your posts and you sound like me but trust me you'll be much happier with a stronger more determined woman, one who knows what she wants out of life and is ready to give her love and commit to you. One that has her stuff together. You don't want to walk on thin ice with these dates you're going to have with her and hoping that the littlest thing changes her mind about you.
Author selarom Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 So how long did you go before you saw her? How long did you go without her calling or contact? I re-read your post and I'm starting to see some things that I didn't before. WE had fun together always, but the one thing that was lacking lately was sex. But she was really stressed out about school and always said it was because of that (and she worked 30 hrs a week as well), so I didn't think much of it. But that's really the only thing..... I guess I have to stop dwelling on the past? And move on.....hard to do.... Sorry to take so long to respond, I have been real busy this past week. If you go back through my posts, I chronicled every single instance I had any contact with her, I didn't leave anything out. Sometimes it was days sometimes it was weeks, and she initiated it, or else it was coincidental. I also think if 2 people want to have sex, they will find the time to. Sex was a big problem for us prior to the breakup, down to about once a month, but she claimed it was because she had ovary pain. She went to the gyno a couple times for it, so I don't think my ex was lying, but maybe exaggerrating it. Who knows. Its definitely something that will have to be resolved if I start serial dating my ex. As far as the past goes, you can't let go of it, but if you focus on yourself you will stay more rooted in the present. Focus on your hobbies, go to as many parties or friends gatherings that you can, exercise. And the less contact you have with your ex the less you think about her. Thats what I mean by focusing on the present.
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